Dear Journal,
All of a sudden on a remembrance my heart sank into my stomach. I recalled writing a poem called "Sex is bad for health"on Facebook, which I recently deleted.
How did I write it? Why can't my behaviour be normal? Do I not feel horny sometimes? I'm stupid! I'm an idiot! These are the kind of things running in my subconscious mind, I know, even though I don't say/think it.
Of course at this point I agree with the poem a little. I don't like the idea of constantly having sex without conversation.
Come, come now. I can't belittle myself so. I must forgive myself.
Also, being booted out of SGI unceremoniously and with insults also has affected me. The last few years have been marked by blows so severe. Mostly of the kind of the darkness of my mind surprising me.
*My English is not perfect in my journal. I will let it be.
How does one look ahead after such severe blows?
I have also blocked a few insulting guys on dating apps. They are not my type. One guy asked me how my clit was feeling? Now I think that's insulting! And I told him so. He didn't take it too well.
Journalling is awesome. One can really structure one's thoughts.
I think I kind of need to pick myself up. Kind of like after the time I went to TIFR on a whim in the middle of the night.
I'm sure people think of me as that crazy girl. I don't know what people really think of me. May be they don't think of me that much.
Friends have shed. I have insulted many. Nobody except Ma and Pa seems to understand. Nobody except Ma and Pa want to forgive. Nobody except Ma and Pa accept me the way I am.
I wonder what are Ma's inner thoughts. And what are Pa's inner thoughts. I know both of them think a lot about the money. I don't know what the financial situation of the house is since it is never up for open discussion. But Ma does say we are struggling.
Anyway where there is a lack there is something else. We have a strong bond of love uniting us.
I wish Bu talked to me more.
I feel the need for a deep, meaningful relationship. Theres this one guy I'm talking to since today. He's talkative and interesting. Then there is Sho who I slighted last year. We talk. a little. But he replies with days of silence. He is a nice guy.
This whole no negative reaction thing is awesome. Pa is going to Pondi tomorrow and I'll be alone with Ma at home. I intend to party with Ma and enjoy with her,
I really love my family. My irritable angry mother and my caustic bitter but loving father are both gems of people. I think the world of my parents as most people do.
I think the biggest learning Ma has given me is that you don't need to buy expensive things to live a life of meaning.
My Values
Trust
Love
Integrity
Truth
Respect for life
Kindness
Compassion
Courage
Wisdom
Mindfulness
Happiness
Joy
Prosperity
Security
Romance
Adventure
Helpfulness
Altruism
Care
Respect for life
Honour
Awards
Respect
Beauty
Goodness
Judiciousness
Virtuosity
Fun
Frolic
Sunniness
Exapansiveness
Family
Friends
Equanimity
Brilliance
Excellence
Achievement
Love,
Me
6.02 pm
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