Journal 21.5.2023 1.29 am

Dear Journal,

I went two pubs hopping with Ni Pan. He is well read, and a voracious reader. Interesting guy.

I came back. Popped pills. And lightly bantered with Sho on whatsapp. Sho was in office till 1 am he said. He doesn't chat that much these days.

I'm feeling slightly lost and lonely. May be because I also indulged in some self love. Just a little.

I need to achieve much more than I have. Several others are far ahead. But of course I must not compare.

I need to earn much more money. That I really need to.

I need to sell my art. I need to find avenues to sell my art.

I need to work on my novel. That is on my bucket list.

I need to quit smoking. That will give me more time and money.

I need to forgive myself for my abominable behaviour. I must come to terms with my ranting on sm. Many people rant. The Shanky kinds. Most people don't. I am ashamed of myself for ranting thus.

I am grateful for this beautiful life. There is so much meaning to life. There is so much beauty in it.

I am grateful for friends like Ni Pan. He is a good person to talk to.

I am grateful for my job. It gives me a sense of direction and flow.

I am grateful for my mind. It is a beautiful, decent, virtuous bit of me.

I am grateful for food. I ate kebabs and fish and tandoori and corn. I am satiated.

I am grateful for money. I can spend it and save it as I wish. It gives me freedom.

I am grateful for advertising. It is a crucial part of industrialism. It is growth.

I am grateful I paint. It allows me to express myself in colour.

I am grateful I read. It opens my mind.

I am grateful that I write. It allows me to express myself freely.

I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, Dada and Thama. Their genes fill my soul.

I am grateful for all those I have lost to death. I am grateful to them for gracing my life.

I am grateful for my soul. It is luminescent.

I am grateful for my body.it allows me freedom.

I am grateful for my cousins. They are a part of me.

I am grateful that I have experienced breakdowns. They have allowed me to be more conscious, conscientious, and mindful. They have made me a compassionate, understanding, loving human being.

I am grateful for cinema. Apart from the technicalities that I love observing, they open my mind.

I am grateful for music. It touches my soul.

I am grateful for tomorrow's dinner invite. I am looking forward to it.

I am grateful for water. It nourishes me.

I am grateful for parlours. They allow me care and some me time.

Love,

Me.

1.53 am