Journal 13.5.23 1.18 pm

 Dear Journal,

I am finally kind of settling in and learning that I probably do have schizophrenia. My story is so similar to other patients who suffer from the disease. I understand that it is a physical disorder. This is after 15 years of denial.

I have imagined that I am a reincarnation of many beautiful women. I have imagined fantasies that are most alluring. I have imagined that I am loved by some man dearly. I have been deluded. And yes, I have hallucinated.

My biggest fear is being rejected by society and that makes me feel a little dejected. I am still loathe to take the Allopathy medication but the Homoeopathy medicine by Dr Dh does help. Everybody on my social media knows now that I am wonky tonky. I don't really at this point have anyone to talk to.

The few friends who message I feel seek connection themselves. A long time ago (about 9 years ago) I was told that the first step to recovery is acceptance that there is a problem. Today I accept that yes, there is a problem.

I don't know if I will ever get married. If anybody will be willing to accept me just the way I am.

I am grateful for life's miracles. I am grateful for life and love.

They say that nobody can love you more than you love yourself. I hope to love myself and accept that I do have a condition.

Schizophrenia can be quite debilitating. Delusions can be very limiting. Real life is more enticing than the fantasy world a patient builds.

Schizophrenics have a more vivid imagination than children do. I wish to live my life to the fullest and enjoy each moment in every facet.

I hope people will forgive me on the point that I am not normal. I am Schizophrenic. I have had experiences that have stalled me. I don't know how any other person in my shoes would have dealt with the experiences I've had.

They say that schizophrenia is inherited. Who have I got it from? My sweet Dadu had told me that I should take the pills. May be I should. And I will. Baba spends money on the expensive medication after all.

I have done many many things in a deluded state that I regret deeply. I hope to reach an understanding and forgive myself.

I am twisted but I'm whole. I'm like  a delicious chocolate cake that got out of the oven bent out of shape. I am 38. I am not alone. It's time to shed some friends. It's time to embrace me, my loved ones and life. It's time to conquer the world.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for this office.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful for Nature.

I am grateful for birds.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for discipline.

I am grateful for forgiveness.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for smiles and laughter.

I am grateful for cake.

I am grateful for my next boyfriend.

I am grateful for me.

I am grateful for God.