Journal 23.5.2023 4.48 pm

 Dear Journal,

For 12 years I was at it, chanting NMRK. I always felt like I was part of a cult but I kept at it because of my family.

Finally, 12 years later I asked one of them why I hadn't been made a leader yet.

I was permanently expelled from the SGI. 

This just goes to show that they don't practice what they preach. I was told I'm disharmonious for questioning the study (sic) 2-3 times.

Can't say I was not hurt. I have been dealing with mental health issues, and there was no compassion in sight.

Ma practises, and she invites people over. She had promised me she wouldn't, but when has Ma ever stuck to a promise?

I feel that it's not just society, but even people at home like Bu who judge me quite harshly.

There is love of course. But kindness is lacking. Ma is always screaming at the top of her voice, and she is a little too strong-headed. Once she, Bu, and Pa form an opinion there is no exiting. Pa has harsh, discouraging opinions.

I was also feeling sad about the scar on my head that resulted from Ma throwing a pair of scissors at me.

I actually feel kind of lonely and misunderstood.

I think the only thing I can do is rely on the 'no negative reaction' rule I have set for myself. 

I have become awfully quiet in social situations from a fear of being judged.

I feel like there is a lack of friends in my life.

I'm eating wafers in the office. (A great joy).

I feel that I contribute much more to society than I am.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I've left the SGI. I am away from their disrespect and brainwashing.

I am grateful for this beautiful life. It is majestic, and truly beautiful.

I am grateful for my healthy brain and healthy mind. It keeps me joyous and positive in the face of odds.

I am grateful for the cute guy who will marry me. I an happy that I hope.

I am grateful for potato chips. One of mankind's greatest inventions.

I am grateful for my parents. With all their faults they are wholly wonderful, interesting people.

I am grateful for birds. They are a pleasure to watch.

I am grateful I paint, A true delight.

I am grateful for this job. It is rejuvenating.

I am grateful that I have experienced love in my life. I feel I am blessed.

I am grateful that I'm writing this journal. I can write. I can read. That is wondrous.

I am grateful to be out of the SGI. It is definitely a cult.

I am grateful for this pretty heart, mind and body. I am happy!

I am grateful for time. It is a privilege.

I am grateful for Bu. He is a pleasure to know.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am happy.

Love,

Me.

5.10 pm