Dear Journal,
Part 1
All this writing is causing me to reflect a lot in a creative disciplined manner and something has shifted in me in the saga of my life. And I want to put it to words. This might be a long post.
I just got back from rehearsals a while ago. Ra Ti translated my essay on non-judgmentality into Hindi and shared it with all. I'm so grateful to him for that. It's a sweet gesture.
Firstly, looking at my circumstances from the point of truth and being completely honest with myself is imperative. I feel persecuted, literally, by all in being labelled mad, I feel that my circumstances and the way everybody perceives me is a jailhouse from which I need release. I have been treated dismally, abysmally, insultingly and derisively by so many, especially by the ones I love the most to the point of trauma. If any trauma caused madness the aftermath of it has been worse.
To be spat on, thrashed, insulted and criticised and judged in front of the whole world is not a small reality to deal with.
And frankly, despite my birth into a high caste royal family I feel like an outcast, as a pariah, viewed by people as someone who doesn't deserve to live with basic human dignity. Forget feeling judged but I actually feel the pains and the struggles of Dalits, harijans, shudras, sewage cleaners, the poor, the downtrodden, who are outcast by circumstances. It doesn't make me sad. This is my karma and I'm grateful for it.
Life is a kalpavriksha, a wishing tree. And it gives us what we ask of it. You don't really need to pray or manifest, you just need to live life to get what you want. Prayer disciplines the mind and is a great tool.
Now I don't want to go into the details of my life right from childhood but let it suffice to say that ever since I was small I wanted to work for the poor, the downtrodden and marginalised. I felt their pains and I think discrimination, bias and the caste system are pure evil.
When I was a journalist (and I was a good one) I faced many disillusionments. My pitches to effect a porn ban, write about the labour unions, unemployment crisises, and a few others were rejected as unsuitable. A very senior reputed journalist, much celebrated, explained to me that the media is elitist. But I became a journalist for the masses to talk about the problems of the masses.
Somewhere down the line I realised that if I had to continue being a journalist all I have to do is cover powerful corrupt politicians, crooked rich businessmen and superficial stars and starlets and that was my career. I was passionate about my job but at the end of it all this dissatisfaction ate me up and I decided to take a break which has now resulted in me thinking I'll never go back. I want to advance from hereon and that's why I'm writing this.
The media is replete with the public relations machinery, quite a lot is paid for and it's basically just advertising people. If you want to pull someone down in a newspaper it's not something encouraged as shown in the movies, if you want to break scams or problems an editor will mostly try to cover it up. It's consumerist, elitist and shows only the elite's point of view. It's about editors sitting in their high ivory towers.
There are rules that you learn like you can't criticise the Bachchans, or the Ambanis or srk no matter what they say or do. And I developed my news sense and became a successful journalist but I didn't quite grow as a person in those 12 years. I didn't see life outside the newsroom, dated two journalists in that course, the most superficial relationships of my life, because the news today, the job in the newsroom today is very superficial.
And by the time I left I was sad, I was broken and very critical of the media. I read the news only sometimes these days and that too just to keep abreast lest i have to have those conversations with my friends.
Life since then has shown me that life is very different outside from the editor I was sitting in my high ivory tower. It's a struggle for the common man, there is so much poverty and disparity in society, we as Indians are so harsh to our brethren creating barriers in opportunities, deifying some people like Srk and Mukesh Ambani as if they were Ram or Lakshman, superstition that I wrote a little about as a journalist is rife in the world, not just in India, and we human beings are really cruel towards each other, very very, putting our brethren down by virtue of wealth, status, caste, creed, birth. Women are objectified, children are raped and there are many evils all around us but just enough goes into a newspaper to fill the 16 to 32 pages and much of it (or may be all of it) pandering only to the elite. And I've realised that I have no need for such stories, I want to explore real human life, be friends with the real survivors of life and have conversations with them and that is how my life has turned out, me an outcast neglected pariah (that's not what I wanted but those are my circumstances). Like I said life is a kalpavriksha and we can always change destiny's course by the dent of intention.
On the issue of being persecuted as crazy and mad I have just a few things that I'd like to say. Firstly, mental health is a stigma. People look down upon, reject, outcast, spit on, beat up those seeking mental health help and it's the system. Doctors give a stark prognosis with little hope there and then snatching the beauty and freedom of that person's entity and life setting off a vicious circle.
Secondly, I rarely tell anybody to take help from a mental health professional because of my own experience but the few times I have I shouldn't have. You should not wish such an experience upon anyone. But what I realise delving into my own experience and the experience of those who act crazy sometimes (and we all do, I've never met a sane person in my life) is that any disturbance, delusion, pulling away stems from fear. And far from healing trauma the entire mental health system is traumatizing causing people to further alienate. Fear seems on the surface of it as irrational but I've come to realise that fear is quite natural and it could be the fear of anything. The entire mental health machinery is truly scary, no one, and I mean no one should go through it. It's one of the worst things that can happen to a human being.
Small disagreements with loved ones escalate into you being labelled as unwell and mad and a mental health survivor is asked to never be angry or sad while everybody around him rejects him and is angry or sad with him to the point of being violent.
Now that was a lot of processing.
I'll end this journal entry here because I can't deal with this.
All I want to say, dear Journal, before I sign off is that I'm not resigned to my fate, I have rejected the label that people want me to wear and I have decided to vanquish the fear that causes me to overthink and I feel like an outcast who people feel right in casting out and for once life has made me feel the pains of those rejected by society like a criminal's children who have no future. Even though I haven't done anything wrong people are ashamed of me, reject me and have an irrational fear about me. I am seen as someone with no future by all.
My psychologist actually told me may be I should work as a waitress.
And people become as they are seen and all I can do is not wish my fate upon anyone. I bless everybody these days but I think the person who needs those blessings the most is me myself.
And people being bigoted by nature won't understand this dilemma of having become a pariah. My next journal entry will give more clarity to me.
For now. Good night!
Love,
Me.
9.17 pm
Part 2
So about life being a kalpavriksha. There is a desire to be seen bigger than my circumstances. I haven't given up. I definitely don't want to work as a waitress even though I've thought about it after my psychologist said that.
There is a deep desire to heal the pain and the trauma that continues since I live with my parents.
Just like all the outcasts of society I don't want to remain an outcast, I want to be accepted into the regular fold. I want my writing to be read and understood.
I want my voice to matter. I want my voice to carry on centuries henceforth and yes, I do want wealth, a lot of it, and deep-seated recognition and respect.
Personally, I want to be the change I want to see in the world. And no, I don't want to be patient anymore.
Even though I know Arun doesn't want anything romantic with me because even he sees me as an outcast pariah --A few tears and he says you shouldn't be drinking alcohol, or rejecting me by calling me mad or insulting me in front of his friends that I know he's done a lot behind my back -- I do want his friendship because I understand the complexities of human bonds. I love him even though he doesn't. And ten years hence I want to sit with him and sip my beer and I want to pay for it.
I see him as someone who has entered my life to teach me lessons of love and for me to be able to expiate my karma. I want him in my life. And I don't want to be angry with him for how he views me.
With my mom I want to repair the relationship. Ever since I was small she's shown me that she hates me as I am and I get the same feeling from Arun that he hates certain things about me. I see Arun as someone who helps me understand my mom better and thus change myself.
I want my father to survive the next ten years. I want to have deep conversations with him and I want him to grow very old and I want to do my duties by him and love him and care for him.
I want my brother to love me and be proud of me and not see me as a person who should be spat on.
I don't blame anybody for ill-treating me because sometimes we do fall into hell and the fires of hell cause us to behave abysmally and it doesn't define a person, how they reacted to circumstances in hell.
All human beings are respectworthy, all of them deserve my respect and love and care. How I treat the next person is how I'll treat everybody so my love and respect and care is for all.
I have actually removed arrogance from my life but sometimes I feel angry at the way the people I love view me and I always tell myself I will channel that anger into this journal and that is what I do.
For my life I see myself being a life-changing person, a strong voice of survival and hope, who brings joy and happiness to all while mirroring the truths of life.
I want to smile more, joke more and really cherish human relationships. And I want to be accepted as a creative mind and I want the people I love to love my mind. Do they love me for my mind?
For my career... uff what should I say... these rocky past few years... I want to take the world by storm with my voice, with my writing, that's my hope. I want to touch people's nerves and marrow with love and hope.
And I know if I consistently keep writing, all day long, something or the other i'll actualize it, I'll attain my vision. I want to be remembered for my writing and all my other work long into the future after I'm gone. May be I want fame and recognition and I shouldn't deny it.
And finally, you can't control how others view you and you can't change anybody, perceptions, inclinations, decisions... in granting the other person the freedom to form his own judgment you become free yourself.
I've learnt to keep my opinions to myself and pour them into writing because nobody, not Buro, not Pa, not Ma, not Arun is interested in what I want to say... they just want me to understand them, which means in certain aspects they feel misunderstood too. That is their need.
But Ra Ti translating and sharing my essay firstly shows how kind he is and secondly shows that there are people out there to whom my voice matters and I want to find these people, I want to meet them, I want to reach them, I want to write for them and welcome them into my world. That's my soul's greatest yearning right now.... connection.
I feel that there is a lot to do and a long way to go.
And despite my dream I don't think I'm dying tomorrow.
Charity begins at home and I want to love and respect and honour these four special people in my life first while I build my own world.
And finally, I know Arun is just a friend today and he probably doesn't think about me romantically anymore but I love him.
I don't obsess over him, it's just that he's very special to me and an important aspect of my life.
I feel happy to hear his voice on the phone and to receive messages from him.
And I've learnt to kill my expectations so I don't expect anything from him.
But I don't want to fawn and all the attention I give him is genuine.
I've learnt that you can't change anybody, you can't change their opinions or their views but you can change yourself and that requires discipline which is my new mantra.
Somehow I've become free from Arun in setting him free. And I realise I still love him quite deeply even today.
I'm so grateful that he respectfully picks up my calls, messages back and meets me. No one gives you exactly what you want them to give you, no one. The onus is on us, we have to understand the people in our lives and give the love and care and respect we think we deserve.
To quote Gandhi again: "Be the change you want to see in the world. Do unto others as you would have done unto you."
And I just want to be love. Believe me despite wanting so much that's all I really want. Just to be love.
So with no more complaints dear Journal I'll start my blessed day.
I bumped into Su Ke in the morning on the road, my journalist friend. And I have no money to smoke cigarettes so I cease. What has to be done must be done.
And change is always within not without.
I think I'll craft a short and sweet message for Arun, a gratitude one; hope he receives it well.
Love,
Me.
10.37 am
