Anger is the greatest disrespect not only towards another but to ourselves. I've been to blame and I've often been at the receiving end of rage ever since I was small.
What makes someone angry? It's I think lack of love and understanding and the need to prove that the soul that is getting angry has the right to love and understanding. When we get angry and disrespect another we usually tend to think that we are right.
And that is why active absolute forgiveness is healing; It is deep, freeing and requires understanding. That attempt to understand another is itself love.
I can't expect from others what they can't give me but I can definitely give others what I think I deserve and that is love and understanding and forgiveness and care and belief.
So next time Ma gets angry I will not retaliate. I will be peaceful, probably even hug her.
It's also a great disfavour to ourselves to bear grudges and to criticise others for things they do, the attempts they make to live and work.
We all have free will and everyone is doing the best they could.
Our circumstances are of our making. And I must not begrudge my circumstances. May be these are the experiences I need to live the life of my dreams. And I should be grateful for all I have.
I must not criticise Ra Ti and I must not criticise and feel bad when Arun is distant and refuses to love me. May be that's the best he can do in his thinking and circumstances. May be that's what he wants.
We get angry when our wants clash because each wants something different and nobody wants to feel that they are being judged and criticised and bitched about by their friends and family and other people.
Everybody wants love, understanding and respect; everybody craves care.
Right now I don't think I'm loved, understood, respected and cared for in the way I would do for another but I must not begrudge my circumstances, my life and myself. May be this is the best for now.
"Be the change you want to see in the world. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.": Mahatma Gandhi.
I'm alone today, with nobody to talk to and yet Ra Ti in his own understanding chooses to hang out with me, talk to me and I'm very grateful for that.
Most people think their discernments are right. I do too. But what if we are wrong? Because there is always more than what meets the eye. Treasures always hides beneath the surface and not on the surface so I must not judge people superficially and on a surface level and really see their potential, their good intentions, their dreams, the love they hold in their hearts and appreciate their journey. Everybody's journey is worthwhile and some time all souls suffer. The goal is emancipation.
Everybody is doing the best that they can and we are no one to judge them. A little encouragement goes a long way.
I've completely detached from Arun right now but some thought, some memory will fill my heart again and it's a constant tug of war.
But I'll win because I'm blessing him maximum and they are blessed who bless others.
Life is good. I have my ageing parents by my side and I have this journal and my reflections. I have Ra Ti to talk to and I've given up craving for Arun. And I also have the faith that I'm a good person despite mistakes I've made because I mean well.
I did achieve a lot as a journalist but I left because I realised that there is more to life. After that I craved rest.
That has taught me that work hard but get that me time otherwise the stress is immense. After Arun I've learnt that self care and self love are more important than any love you can give another. If you don't take care of yourself and love yourself nobody will.
I am my own refuge.
I really don't want romantic love anymore in life. It comes with stress, pain and heartbreak.
But I'm not escaping it because it's life's many experiences that shape you.
I am grateful for all my life's experiences, all the people, all the love, all the conversations I've had and going forward too life is bound to be colourful.
The laurels will come and there may be disappointments but I have nothing to prove to anybody as I once wanted to. If there is anybody I have to prove anything to it is myself.
This is how I'm feeling now.
Love,
Me.
10.55 pm
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