I'm very sad. I have nobody to talk to. I was telling Ma about Guz's father dying and she started pointing fingers at me telling me that I'm a despicable humanbeing, that nobody loves me, that everybody hates me and that I have no friends when I told her that she didn't let me invite Guz or any of my friends for the wedding. She told me that the maids keep complaining about me which is a lie when they in fact keep threatening to leave because of her.
She was so aggressive. She told me that she won't keep quiet. She said she doesn't love me and is tired of me and insulted me in many other ways.
I don't think anybody loves me. I remember the many times Buro has spat on me and beaten me up. I feel so sad.
Even Ma and Pa had a huge fight today. Today seems to be a day of family disharmony. And I'm feeling very sad and beaten down.
She has anger all over her face. I don't want Arun. I don't want him in my life. Even he will treat me just like this and he also has a habit of always pointing fingers at me for all problems.
Ma told me I have no friends. All the times she has beaten me up with cricket bats and tennis rackets violently with whatever she could pick up in her hands comes to mind. She still gets that much in rage. All the times Buro has thrashed me and she has encouraged it come to mind. I feel so small in front of people's anger and in front of my anger. I feel so small and unloved and so insulted. I don't think all families are like this, so angry, so bitter. She complains about all her students, about me to everybody.
Each day Arun's words play in my mind: "Mere paas char aur ladkiyan Hai iski Tarah par Mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal Hai." That was the most disrespectful thing he's ever done, ever said.
I don't think Arun will ever be true to anybody and I shouldn't think about him so much and I should avoid people who view me so disrespectfully. I should not talk to and depend on my mom who disrespects me like this and insults me to my face and to everybody.
Dear Journal, I feel so alone, so broken, so beaten down. I'm in shambles today. We each have our own tendencies and our own karma and I can only tend to my karma.
If all the people in my life defend their ill-treatment of me and their insults towards me it's their karma. They would treat any other life that way too.
It's my responsibility to respect life and honour people. That's my responsibility and my karma. And dear dear dear God, let me not falter in that endeavour. Let me respect myself and all beings. Let me be that person who can rise above insults and endure such persecutions by near and dear ones.
Let me prove myself. Let me feel worthy and be worthy and let me honour the many lives in front of me as worthy even the ones who persecute me and insult me. Let me find my reason and my meaning. Let me find my rhythm and my melody.
Let me be able to forgive these persecutions and insults. Please dearest God, give me my happiness and my peace, make me a worthy performer on this stage of life.
If the people I love so much insult me and persecute me like this it goes without saying that the world outside will be even more ruthless. And I must as Dimma always told me face all moments of life with dignity.
Why did I lash back at Ma with anger? She has always been like this, insulting, enraged and aggressive. She treats everybody this way.
She always tells me that she is not my friend then why do I talk to her? I should be the hermit I see that my self has become and embrace myself. I am my own best friend. I am my only refuge. There is nobody to save me but myself.
I am my responsibility. Nobody will love me if I don't love myself. Nobody will be proud of me if I'm not proud of myself. I have to prove myself to me and not to anybody else.
I don't want to eat anything today.
I should see Ma's Buddha nature. If I were to qualify her as a Buddha I would call her Buddha Fire of the Nine Worlds unto Buddhahood. Even though she practices Buddhism she doesn't shy away from insulting people; she bitches so much about her students. Such is life.
These are my problems. Other people have other problems. I must not wallow in these problems even though it's important to see them for what they are.
I've finally stopped crying now.
If Pa were to be qualified as a Buddha he would be Buddha Silence as a Vow Discrimination and Buro would be Buddha Serious Small and Big Things.
Now there that makes me feel much better.
I would be Buddha Realisation of Small and Big Vows of Love.
We are all trying to be happy. I don't know what Ma wants in life. She definitely doesn't pray for the kind of things I pray for because then she wouldn't be so dismissive and angry and insulting. She is definitely not praying for Buddhahood because then she would venerate the Buddha nature in her students and not complain so much.
I remember an essay by Tagore on beauty where he describes beauty as grace in action in terms of pots. The pot may be broken or may be whole but beauty lies in the grace with which you hold it, the grace with which you use it.
Today I slipped. Today I conducted myself ungracefully. Today I was angry and sad and beaten down by the same things that have dogged me all my life-- an aggressive brother, an enraged mother and a terse father. These are the same problems I've had all my life. And as this is my reality, I don't expect anything better from Arun. He will insult me again if he's not doing that already because my problems have followed me and nobody has changed.
I must be the change I want to see in the world. I must. I must change.
Nobody ever says sorry to me. People are so impolite and dismissive. Let me be that polite, colourful, joyous, fun person... let me paint life with colours vibrant and strokes bold and let me write those stories with love and everybody's heart hold. Let me see beauty when the ugliness of it all stares right at me.
I'm feeling better.
Thanks journal.
Love,
Me.
2.54 pm
Ps: Today dear Journal I'm walking away from these repeated insults. They will rain down again on me as they have all my life. But from today I'll keep quiet in the face of insults. Ma must be very unhappy from within that she treats people with so much aggression, Pa must be so bitter that he is so dismissive (in fact he is the lamb and the gentleman here), Buro must have been eaten up from within that he is like this, so violent, Arun must really despise me that he said that to his friends in front of me. Firstly, I forgive all of them... I'll try my level best... I'll forgive all of them absolutely and the parts of me within that are hurt and broken I will heal speedily and with a lot of love and care. I won't fawn and I won't succumb... I'll be my own ball of love and compassion... no one else treats me this way, not one friend close or distant. But the people I love treat me like this with insults. Am I too humble? What is it? I must look within in silence and understand myself so that I can change myself and be a better person, attracting better circumstances and more love.
Nothing is lost. Abhi to bas shuruat Hai... I know things will get better because I have the intention to make it better.
3.30 pm
I won't be bitter and I won't complain.
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