I used to always say: "Love is an abstract noun but also a verb. In order to feel love you have to love.'"
And...
"Love is understanding."
And...
"The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of."
Yes, love is all of the above. These are the truths of love and life. Love is an ocean. If you love one person and can feel the ocean in him you have immersed yourself into the infinite ocean of love that is life. And you can love anybody after that. But to the above quotes I want to add my own...
"Love is that indescribable feeling of wanting someone in your life so much no matter what whether they make you happy or sad. It's life's deepest desire... and you might as well accept these people with their flaws and your journey with them as lessons and give them freedom when they want it. And you might as well enjoy the journey because your deepest desires can't be denied to you."
My mother is the mother of my desires. My father is the father of my deepest desires. And I don't want any other brother, believe me. And Arun is the Arun of my deepest desires with all the complications, all the pain, all the sadness that I'm feeling. I desired him even before I was aware of his existence. He is life's gift to me. And if he wants freedom today as a person who worships his entity, worships his existence it's only my duty as a person who loves him to give it to him as a gift no matter how sad it makes me."
In loving and losing Arun I have learnt that one must not chase happiness, one must not even chase love, one must respect the object of one's love's desires and honour them no matter what. Love is not always the feeling. It is a decision made by God for you, God's gift to you.
In loving Arun, I have learnt to love Ma, Pa, Buro and myself truly.
And if this is what he wants, not having me, no matter how sad I am I give him his freedom, no matter what.
And he doesn't have to love me back or want me the way I want him in my life.
I accept my fate.
I must have done something wrong that he doesn't want me... I must have.
And I'm very sad journal... but I won't wallow in it. Love is sacrifice... love is absolute respect... love is absolute non-judgmentality... love is freedom... love is acceptance... love is everything...
And I want to feel happy for a bit today... and no, I don't want to feel lost and I definitely don't want to keep thinking about Arun.
Love,
Me.
1.58 pm
Ps: I've taken Arun's words as it is..
"We are not meant for each other... our paths are different..i am done with you... it is over... I don't love you anymore..." You should never overassume a person's committment ever... it brings a lot of sadness... I'm sure he was being truthful and honest when he said all that... I'm sure he doesn't love me... and I'm not wrong in still loving him... it just means that when I said it I never lied.. I do love him more... and this teaches me that you should never hurt anybody ever... I should not hurt my parents and my brother... I should respect them... I'm feeling so sad and so lost journal and as I've learnt you should not expect anything from anybody ever... I feel so lost, so sad, so very very sad... I think I'll have a bath and face my day... The past can never be brought back....
Ps2: If I really see it from Arun's point of view I'm just another girl he has hurt, another girl he had chased after for his own happiness and whose heart he broke, and there will be other girls after me because that is how he is but despite that he will never leave his wife or may be some day he will... and I'm sure he feels I shouldn't still call him and message him... and may be I won't... The biggest lesson I've learnt is that never NEVER chase happiness, create happiness, never chase love, create love... love and happiness are found within not outside of me... and of course never date a married man and of course, never fall in love with one who says he'll never leave his wife.... my mistake, my biggest mistake was going against my practicality... he did tell me he will never leave his wife... he's not interested in me or my life or my career... he has forgotten most of the things I ever told him... he says he doesn't read my messages and that he meets me only because I tell him to... and it shows that he would treat any other girl that way... if he always wants to be true to his wife he should not chase other women but he will never do that... and may be my heart chose wrong.. but I'll keep my heart whole and intact because I have so many more people to love and a whole life ahead of me.... I've learnt life's most valuable lesson from loving Arun and that is dil to pagal Hai... and don't waste your time after someone over yourself, don't sacrifice yourself for love... I'm very very sad... I've learnt if I don't love myself nobody will and I shouldn't expect people who don't believe in me to believe in me... I'm feeling lost and sad right now journal and I haven't prayed in three days... what has happened has happened... The past is over... and I've learnt my lesson... he will always treat me the way he has all the good and bad of it... and he will insult me going forward because that is how he is... so I'll be sad and sorry... and you shouldn't want to be with somebody who doesn't respect you ever... I don't deserve my family's disrespect or Arun's and I believe there are people out there who would love and accept me the way I am... I was not made to be disrespected... for all the love and respect Arun has given me I am very thankful... nobody could have done it better.... I think I imagined all the love Arun gave me and I should snap out of that dream... to save my own self... because it's nobody else's responsibility to save me.
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