I chanted in the morning with full intention to have a good day. I thought I'll read a bit and sit to write since rehearsals are starting from today.
I was just heating something in microwavable plastic and Pa started arguing with me about the plastic. Then he said something very dismissive, something he says everyday and I keep quiet.
He said: "Do whatever you want because you always do whatever you want. You don't listen to anybody." He tells me this everyday.
And I blew my top today. Don't you think it's dismissive? It feels like he is such an opposition to whatever I want to do in life. What does he really want me to do?
I told him that everybody, and especially everybody in our family, does whatever they want to do. He sits and watches TV all day, not writing, not reading. Ma watches movies or is on her phone all day long. I read and write.
I feel the burden of expectations on me. And I feel judged. I feel like the people I love don't see me the way I see myself. And that makes me very sad. I'm also feeling sad that I scathingly came back upon Pa because I know his struggles and pains, and I know that he also feels alone.
He's a great father. He supports me. But he calls me up everytime I go out, saying, "You've started it again." What does he really want? And why is he so acerbic? Why is he so cold? And he is so judgmental of my friends. He doesn't greet them. He's become Mr Scrooge really in his old age. So judgmental, so cold.
Bda has actually stopped coming home because of him and quite a few friends have told me that Pa is so cold towards them.
What are his aches and pains? What does he really want? And why am I burdened with so many expectations?
If only he'd read his mind would open up a little bit. Or he could even watch a movie but he won't. But you can never make anybody do anything. Each to his own volition.
I'm frankly in tears. He bangs the door when he's angry and forces me to do things.
Well, journal I'm very hurt. My father is opposed to any acting, he hasn't let me drive a car and all my life he's forced me at various junctures to do things I didn't want to do, he never came to watch my first professional play that ran for over a year. I feel like I'm not the daughter he wanted.
Even Arun introduces me to everybody as an actress. Now what actress am I? I'm a poet, I'm a writer, I do Tarot and now I'm doing a play.
People feel pride for me through the lens they see me through. Nobody is really proud of me for the person I am or the person I desire to become.
Well, I shouldn't be so sad. I'm too sensitive, everything hits my heart straight to the core.
And I mustn't grumble.
When things have cooled off and Pa is ready I'll definitely give him a massive hug today.
I love my simple father, who sits with his wife, has plenty of friends and yet chooses to have his whiskey with her each day. My father who has made many sacrifices for his family with not an ounce of selfishness, my Poppa bear, my darling, my simple sedate old man.
Dad, I'm so sorry. I love you.
Love,
Me.
11.43 am
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