Today I woke up and just wrote so many things. I think I'm writing to save myself.
To love people and not be loved back may be the norm in my life. It's been the mantra of my life so far. May be I falter. May be there are things about me the people I love really hate.
And I'm trying to accept that and face the pain and sadness of that.
I think I give Arun too much importance. But that's only because I thought it would bring me happiness but it's not all happiness, it's also an experience of pain like all relationships are.
Let me be my best friend. Let me cultivate a relationship of love with myself. Because nobody else will, not the way I would love myself.
I've become very isolated.
Today I went for rehearsals and left early. Then I wrote an essay on non-judgmentality. Nobody needs my opinion. It's wrong to think that people and circumstances won't change for the better. The people who have hurt me may change for the better. You never know.
The human mind is truly a marvel.
As I was relaxing after rehearsals Ra Ti asked me if I'd like to meet him and I went with him to the beach and we had lots of cigarettes and Chai.
And he spoke about wanting to work with me.
We spoke about what each of us wants in our careers and I told him that I absolutely love writing. Words define me. I needed to say it to somebody.
His wife called him a few times and I spoke to her over the phone. They are a good family.
I don't ever want to have sex so I don't want a boyfriend or a husband. But as the good old saying goes Never Say Never.
You never know. Right now I'm embracing my aloneness, my solitude and learning many things.
People generally shy away from sadness and pain and difficult truths of their existence but it's so important to see the truth in true light as it is and still not cultivate a negativity bias.
Positivity is silly but happiness is not. Happiness is serious business and needs a lot of work to achieve. And happiness is a shared experience so despite everything I will forgive the people who've hurt me and I will always respect them as a norm.
Tagore said: "Jodi tor daak shune keyo na ashe Tobe ekla cholo re."
I don't expect anything from anybody because the people I've expected from have always disappointed me and people I never knew gave me the greatest joy. And life is part pleasure and part pain.
Dimma had once looked me in the eye when I was 12 and said: "One day you will understand everything." That's the greatest blessing anyone has ever given me and I know I will some day understand everything and that will bring me peace and happiness and I don't think I'll go mad. I think life will be rather good despite all the failures I've faced.
Failures don't define you, your attitude does.
I am feeling:
Old
The journey has been meaningful so far.
Nobody reads this blog and that's the beauty of it all. Secrets. Secret thoughts.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
12.42 am
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