It's Mayur sir's birthday today but I don't have his number.
I woke up about an hour ago to messages from Arun. He said he's travelling, and that in a way he's been struggling and I didn't quite know how to respond.
He is definitely my favourite human being in the whole wide world with his Arun smell and Arun cuteness.
The job market is abysmal and the media has just started talking about it and for those creative it's probably the toughest phase in the history of their work and in history in general with artificial intelligence. It's never been tougher for me personally. I've never quite struggled as much as I am now.
Forget those who are supposed to go through the rigours like me but even those accomplished like Tu Bha and Tillu (and even Arun even though I haven't spoken to him about it personally) it's the toughest phase.
Both Tu Bha and Tillu told me that they have never had such a lull before. And I don't know what to say.
Of course like all bubbles the artificial intelligence bubble will also burst some day and the markets will value raw talent again but it'll be different. This period is the greatest struggle for raw human talent and may give rise to a great recession soon which I think has already begun.
And I don't know what to say to soothe Arun's nerves. I could call him home for coffee and we could play Tarot or I could try to reassure him on a walk and hold his hand and hug him telling him how talented and wonderful I think he is. I really do love him, I can't deny that if I have to be completely one hundred percent honest with myself. I love everything about him. And nothing these days, nothing gives me greater joy than hearing his voice, reading his messages and seeing him. He's my cutest human being. I don't think anyone could quite understand my love, my feeling of devotion towards him.
'Love is blind and lovers do not see the petty faults that they themselves commit.' I'm blind to his flaws, sometimes I see them, but yes, he's wonderful just as he is, flaws and all.
Anyhow, I woke up from a dream where I saw someone who seems to be Ra Ti asking me where his children could go to learn something and enjoy at the same time and I told him about a swimming pool with a diving board and a water park that I've often seen in my dreams, and I told him that I'd take them.
But then I wanted to get out of it and made some excuse and went home after which I went to the water park myself to find this man, his wife and his children there enjoying themselves.
After taking a dip in the swimming pool I tell the man in my dream that I'd take care of his children and I start doing that.
It was a good dream. Teaching children to swim, means teaching them how to stay afloat in life. I like that.
I many a times feel very negative towards Ma. She's been quite a handful all her life and justifies her handfulness and anger and arrogance and doesn't really want to change.
She's also so critical about me, saying the most scathing things. When she's sweet it seems like she doesn't quite mean it.
And that hurts me.
"Hell lies within a person who hates his father and despises his mother," said Shakyamuni.
It's difficult with so many things going wrong to be positive all the time and to look past the flaws of Ma. But I don't want to regret it. I want to give her the best of me while she's here but she makes that so difficult. She can be quite ruthless and cruel.
And why has she hated me ever since I was small? She's just the same towards me as she was when I was a little girl. She is scathing, abrasive and angry. And today, I've kind of accepted that things won't be any different ever because nothing has changed at all, all my blessed life.
I don't really feel like chanting or attending meetings because Ma is a leader in the Soka Gakkai but she conducts herself so abysmally at home and especially with me that I don't feel like chanting.
I am grateful for my life with its many blessings. May I hold God's love with grace and beauty and this period of struggle, may it be the fire that polishes the gold that is me. May I come out of it brighter and stronger bringing much more value to society. And I wish Arun the same, my blessings.
I love him and this too shall pass.
Love,
Me.
10.31 am
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