For some reason my heart is feeling a little bit hurt for no apparent reason.
Today I woke up in the morning and chanted and did a wee bit of yoga. Then Ga Mo messaged that she wants to come and Ta Ag invited me to a film screening that I first agreed to attend and then declined.
I ate a late lunch because I poured all my time into reading the Arts Division Handbook. Then Ga Mo came looking radiant, in a beautiful brown crepe dress with that forever glow on her face.
She came in with mixed feelings. She announced that she is the lead in a web series which I think is a huge victory but she also spoke of the death of her cousin and fighting depression.
Somehow I find her scary just like I find Buro scary or I found my first boss Aman Khanna scary. They are all three extremely strong heroic people but their some deep desire is discordant with those around them and hurts people in their lives; they are all three very angry because they are consumed by wanting the fulfillment of that desire which will cause the alienation of those around them; they are all three forceful about manifesting that desire.
I told her about developing a healthy relationship with herself as I learnt in Vipassana because what is within is without -- our environment reflects our inner life. I told her about peace of mind and in turn asked her about how she's effecting such great results in her career.
And she told me that she's chanting wholeheartedly for all her desires. She manifested this webseries, fame etc.
I really love her. She has a very very strong personality. And even though Ga Mo, my little brother and Aman are strong in the hunger of that one discordant desire are we not all like that in some way?
I may be more gentle than them in general but even I've been a handful. We all have some skeletons in the closet and are angry about something or the other and want something so bad.
What I learn from the three of them is to really go after what you want because nobody else will.
She invited me to join her and Dee for Badminton and then she gracefully left.
Then I mulled and wrote a bit.
Oh yes! Arun messaged me in reply to a poem I sent him and that was absolutely delightful. I love him. I wrote another poem and sent it to him. And frankly, I don't know if he reads my poetry! He is Mr Peacock... I am Doel and he is my peacock, beautiful, strutting about, dancing in glee... I love his personality and I love Ma and Pa's personality. Some people just have my heart and there is no reason for that.
I'm waiting for Ma to return so that I may see her beautiful face and kiss her. Till then I'll read and then write.
I went down to buy cigarettes for myself and the scenes of poverty after stepping out of this house all about me that I witness each day may have hurt my heart, the jarring disparity of it all. Why do some people have so much and some none at all?
May be its because of the discrimination steeped in society and ignorance. Anyway seeing Su Bha and Bhal and their friends with nothing on them, nothing with them, in their ramshackle home makes me feel helpless and deep sadness. But I talk to them and I know for a fact that even their hearts carry big dreams but I feel that just like Ga Mo, Buro and Aman they are also very angry you know journal at being seen through, at being ignored, at being trampled over. There is not much difference there. The humanity is the same that flows through us all.
That is what is on my mind at the moment. I really want to find a solution to discrimination, disparity and poverty... I've always wanted to ever since I was a small girl... The disparity between the Haves and the Have Nots really hurts my soul deeply and makes me very sad.
Now I don't want to dwell there and will read.
I am feeling:
Serious
Happy
Hurt
Love,
Me.
6.28 pm
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