As I sent Arun a thank you note my mind remembered Ternan and his beautiful, very very interesting letters of love he wrote me when I was in Xaviers and he in Loyola.
I kept those letters to revisit them along with all of Dimma's letters to me and Pa's birthday cards and Buro's letters to me and Ma just threw them away. She was and still is so cruel.
People don't really change.
I didn't really value Ternan's love and friendship then as I do today. I wish I could meet him and talk to him.
Today I realised Ternan actually loved me as a person a lot and that says he's a lovely human being. I was young and innocent and didn't expect a guy to love me and give me the attention he gave me. I wasn't ready at that time to receive his love and some things are just destiny.
I also think a lot about Murphy's Law: "If something can go wrong it will."
And I think that despite not wanting it Arun will definitely, most definitely move out into the playing field, probably find the kind of girl he likes well-dressed, well-groomed, of high status and conversant in cinema and I don't want to go on... that day I will be very very sad.
And then some day when he's very old and sipping his rum and coke he'll remember me and how truly I loved him and miss me the way I missed Ternan's friendship today.
Sometimes we are just not ready to recognise and receive the love being offered. Sometimes it's not what we need or want in the moment and it takes two to tango.
The thing is to keep offering the love and respect till it doesn't feel like you are offering it to a void and to offer it to all indifferent ways according to will and capacity because that in itself invites like-minded friends into our lives.
And you never offer love and respect to a void because people are never so empty... that's impossible.
That day when Arun realises how much I loved him I want to be available for him, present in his life so that he can call me.
Not the way things are with Ternan and me.
I am that light
Burning with might
Because the raging winds have eased
And to hurt me have missed
Because in my burning
I am that torch
Though one tiny spark now
Will illuminate the entire world.
Love,
Me.
12.28 pm
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