I've always sought an answer to why I am so insecure, why I don't trust easily and why I sabotage healthy, nurturing relationships.
Yoga gave me the answer-- it's a weak root chakra, that hasn't been nurtured. When I do yoga I have tough times with exercises that strengthen that chakra and my pelvic region has a perpetual pain.
It's all psychosomatic-- all illnesses have their origin in the mind.
I think this is partly due to an unhealthy relationship with my mother and that has partly led to all my misfortunes, all my failures and even though today, just today in fact, I have accepted that I'm probably sitting at the pit of my lowest and I think this is all due to my weak roots, an unhealthy relationship with my mother.
As memory would have it my mother has a streak of cruelty. She threatened to kill my brother and I once as I remember when we were small, many times in her depression wished us dead, beat us up in her unhappiness, often called me ugly that has wounded me for life and said I'm unlovable and have no friends.
She of course read a lot and passed on that love of reading to me but it took a lot and still takes a lot to get her appreciation. I think today I've given up trying to make her proud.
As an adult she's often told me that I'll die a pauper, and she continues to complain about me to all, to family and friends alike and has coloured my father's mind towards me.
Ever since I was small she's viewed me as weak and still points out only weaknesses in me.
The times when she's spoken of me proudly is when she's praised my language skills (which is cosmetic praise), told her friends that I look snooty like a princess (showing that she would rather have a snooty daughter than me).
When I was small she often said I am not intelligent and cried about it to all, comparing me to my brother and seeing him as whole.
She is bitter and complaining and I hope to be able to forgive her absolutely and forgiveness comes only with understanding that is why I'm writing this.
Few times when she's nice and appreciative are just bandaid to the wounds. Any appreciation is coloured by scathing personal judgment and complaints and means nothing.
And I live with her and she is harsh day in and day out. And I don't want to grow up, 40 that I am now, to be like her.
She complains about me to everybody and does not like to hear praises about me because I know even I have hurt her in retaliation to all the hurt she has caused me. She complains about her students too and fails to nurture the ones she is duty-bound to nurture.
She admires women as I see, young women in the Gakkai, who are snooty and very superficial and materialistic and I'm not like that.
I know that I won't be her daughter in the next life because parents change from life to life but I wish to heal my heart, my roots and my relationship with her even though I'm not the daughter she wished for and has shown me that ever since I was small.
I pray each day to heal our relationship and to forgive her but something or the other at the height of my praying period causes her to be cruel towards me as if she doesn't want my prayers for her.
I hope to heal my root chakra speedily so that I can lead a more secure, prosperous life built on respect and trust and not die the pauper as she has often cursed me to be. We become as we are seen and my mother views me very very poorly.
I think her personality and nature is steeped in unmet needs and desires. I don't want to become like her but I hope to love her and heal our relationship and my root chakra soon.
She definitely never desired a daughter like me and that hurts my roots a lot.
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