I understand that it's over between Arun and me. He doesn't love me anymore and I'm not important to him at all.
It's a good thing that we broke up. He's a married man.
But he became a huge part of my life and mindscape so it was difficult to let him go. This break-up has been made easier with the two months of distance.
I'll always remember him well and wish him well.
Let me not talk about love for him today. That's an idealistic vision, unreal.
It happened. And it was good while it lasted. He's a chump of a guy.
I hope he remembers me well too.
It was a pleasure handling his tantrums and his crazy. It was lovely talking to him over booze. Every moment was special. What is an ending thing is also a beginning thing.
This is a fresh start and a new beginning with many lessons learnt. Chiefly, how not to bug.
And how to invite grace into my life.
I'll always love him. May be after a point I may not be so in love with him because out of sight is out of mind.
I may find someone else. But I hope I don't have any crazy guys running after me. I find that kind of attention irritating and annoying.
Arun was a great boyfriend. I'll always be grateful for the love he bestowed on me.
He is a half mad cap himself and I loved that about him.
I'll always remember his cute expressions and all the conversations we had.
"Carry a comb, dress well, wash your hair...," I loved his Virgoean practicality.
I'll miss him for a long time especially when I'm pouring my thoughts into this Journal.
He was so inspiring and he is so sweet.
I was a terrible girlfriend to him. He gave me so much love that it seemed so true.
I hope he remembers my love too. And I hope he remembers me well. Not for the times I fried his brains. And that he forgives me for stressing him out. May be he thinks I'm not such a nice person because I troubled him so much. I'll always love him. I hope he is in favourable circumstances and that he is happy. And that he had a good Onam with his family.
I won't find someone in a long time. I don't date that much. I find half the guys I meet boring. But I'll embrace life differently now.
This is a new chapter in my life, a new beginning.
Love,
Me
9.42 pm
Ps: I hope Arun is not too upset and angry and is able to process everything positively. I wish to God he doesn't hate me. I had the world's best boyfriend. And I took him for granted. And I harassed him and stressed him out. And I lost myself and didn't take care of myself. I'll always love him from the core of my being.
I have two interviews in the coming week. Hope they go well and a bunch of other meetings. Plus I hope to attend the open mic on Wednesday.
One night last month Arun called me when I was asleep and said he's going through bad times. I hope he's out of whatever it was that was bad. He doesn't want to talk to me. But I'll keep praying for him and his loved ones. That's the least I can do today. Someday when I'm making money I'll call him and treat him to booze and food. Have been wanting to do that in a long time. I wish we had had the sex. The mohabbat was amazing. Total pyaar for this rockstar of a man.
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