Arun says he doesn't want to talk to me or see my face ever again.
If anyone knows, you know how much I love him.
I'm in pain. But I'm not in denial. This was never going to work out because he's married. So good, very good that it's over.
I have chewed his brains a lot. I've written him tomes in messages. Hopefully he'll understand my perspective. This relationship was shrouded in betrayal right at the outset.
I often think about what he told me some astrologer did to his Kundli after his 53rd birthday. The astrologers refused to make predictions after his 53rd birthday.
In my foolishness I used to think it's because I've entered his life and this would last a lifetime.
But he cheated on me.
I'll always love him. He's kind of immature and full of faulty perceptions.
My kundli says this is the golden period of my life. Also, three astrologers had predicted Arun's entry into my life. So much for astrology. This has been a significant one year and I feel guilty about fighting with him on his 53rd birthday but he hadn't met me or spoken to me for a month till then. Of course, he has found someone.
He was unhappy with me that is why he went astray.
He has a lot of faulty perceptions and doesn't have wholesome values. He instead has a very base value system, causing his life to be such. He has the most beautiful heart I've seen in a person. He told me he loved me like his daughter but he didn't keep me with him like he would have kept his daughter no matter what. Of course. I didn't give him any reason to be with me. This break up is all my fault.
Whatever I feel happens. For a long time I had the feeling that my heart was going to get broken.
Pa supports Ma so wholeheartedly and he loves her so much. All men should be like Pa. I have a stoic father of exemplary character.
Hopefully, I'll be able to make peace with this break up soon. Arun was very difficult to date with his demands and criticisms and comparisons but i still loved him. He'll treat any other girl he dates just the way he treated me. He's not a very positive person. He always criticises everybody.
I wish I could kiss his hands. I'll miss kissing his hands.
Our last date on the 6th of August, 2024, will be remembered. He told me he had been abducted and is losing his memory, something I didn't believe but I still played along and gave him lots of kisses because I love him so. I will always love him, always.
Hopefully he will stop hating me soon and find it in his heart to think well of me.
He has his flaws. He is a Casanova who can't keep his eyes off pretty girls. He has roving eyes.
And he is an emotional sweetheart who finds himself embroiled in his lovecapades with all these pretty girls.
May be all those comparisons he made of me with other girls were because he was not happy finding me. But I was so happy to find him. The initial days of our relationship he really made me cry. In the run up I made him cry. After a point he stopped comparing me and became loving but I was not happy with his flaws like telling me the mean things he said when we fought in Quarter Deck when he said Candy is his best friend. Even then i kissed him. He is a Casanova. But men tend to be like that. But Pa is not like that. Neither was dadu.
Hopefully, Arun will remember me favourably. I know he doesn't talk about me favourably with his friends which is another flaw he has. May be it was getting trying for him because at the drop of a hat I always hinted at a break up. But it's not like he promised me marriage even though he did mention it a few times.
If at all I had taken things with a more favourable outlook and we had got married it would cause so much pain to everyone. That is why may be I kept wanting to break up to avert the pain. His children and wife would have been so hurt. My parents would have been so hurt.
May be we should have just been friends but then I would not have smelled him.
In every couple there is always one who loves the other more. I think may be I loved him more. Because I was true to him.
I think I'll do my meetings tomorrow and spend the day writing in my notebook many poems to keep his memory alive.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for everything.
5.11 am
No comments:
Post a Comment