When someone tells you they don't love you it makes you love them less. The feelings generated by Arun's betrayal has caused me to blame myself. But I am not solely to blame.
He gave me no reason to trust him. He didn't earn my trust.
Of course I still love him.
But I am hurt, flummoxed and sometimes sad.
Otherwise I'm in a generally gay mood.
Ma can be so threatening. She has been threatening to break my door down and of course I reacted. There must be something wrong with her. Her aggression is unwarranted.
Anyway I also shouted back. I really have to approach Ma and Buro's toxic behaviour more positively.
I met Debo and Reet today. Debo told me that when things like this happen just remove yourself from the situation instead of reacting. Of course I can do that and make it a habit.
The feelings generated by Ma and Buro are one of not being able to trust them, betrayal and anger and frustration.
I have to pay Arun back his money. Hopefully the jobs that I've applied for will work out.
I met Pkum yesterday. I really don't want to date him and I made it quite clear. I told him I just want to be friends with him. I think I'll reiterate it.
Arun brought a lot of growth in me. I am grateful to him for that. He taught me in a small way how to take care of myself and to love myself.
I'm reading a book that talks about not blaming yourself always for situations that are out of your control.
When someone doesn't love you back it's out of your control.
Arun is a lone wolf.
Anyway I'm going out in some time. I really don't want to meet PKum that often. Even though he is sweet. I'd much rather go to Creative Adda. I'll make it clear to him.
Whatever job works out I shall do it well and to the best of my ability.
How am I feeling?
Hurt
Pained
Present
A little agitated
Slightly relaxed
A little happy
Hopeful
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for the books I'm reading.
I am grateful that I have friends.
I am grateful for Qudsiya.
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for the food I eat.
I am grateful that Debo made me feel good today.
I am grateful for so many blessings and advantages I have that I take for granted.
I am grateful that God has endowed me with many good qualities.
I am grateful for the pleasant experiences of life.
I am grateful for the job that is coming my way.
Love,
Me.
5.39 pm
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