Journal 29.9.2024 11.07 pm

Dear Journal,

The days are just whooshing past me and I'm putting my best foot forward.

Yesterday I met Nidhi after a long time and then S Kum who told me he is gay. I treated him to noodles and generally just spoke to him.

In the end it's about being nice to everyone.

Today I went for the audition. S Kum told me there are other contenders. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Then I went and spent time with A Ghosh for his song. There too I put in a lot of effort. He was happy with the result and I hope this song turns out to be exemplary.

Then I met A Alam and Shar.

A Alam told me that I was not giving him any attention. Huh? What did he expect?

I told him that I was excruciatingly tired and needed food and rest.

Mainly I missed Arun a lot over the past few days.

That there is no forgiveness forthcoming hurts.

That there is a parting drives a shard of glass through the heart. 

Out of all the hurtful things my sweet Arun has ever told me that he doesn't love me anymore was the most painful to bear.

I've been an abominable bitch to him.

I miss his tuft of white hair, his bewitching smile, the smell of his skin, his endearing conversations a lot. I'll always love him.

He is a married married man and I'm very hurt.

I've been thinking about life. Ma presents her own set of problems to me. Pa also does.

I love my parents and there is no room to be shallow.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've lost myself in dreams and been negative.

I think I'm in a space where I am actively choosing to adopt a more positive mindset and respecting everyone.

I really regret some of the things I've said and done. At the end of the day it's about having a healthy ego.

Tomorrow I have to work on the article, the song and the novel.

I was out for over 13 hours today and I'm fagged.

I am feeling:

Tired

Heavy-headed

Pained

Loving

Compassionate 

Eager

Hopeful

A little scared

I am grateful that my days are busy.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for brains and beauty.

I am grateful for having had Arun in my life. I feel that I really grew in this period and I'm grateful to him and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for the money I am earning. (I hope to pay Arun back as soon as possible.)

I am grateful for prayers I incant.

I am grateful for D Ikeda's books.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents.

I am grateful for Buro, Sadhya, Melon and Kit Kat.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life across the three existences. 

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for all my Tarot clients.

I am grateful for my palms. They are beautiful. 

Love,

Me.

11.33 pm