A few months ago I fought with Arun and I prayed to God that I would quit smoking if we patch up. I never quit smoking.
In fact I ended up borrowing money from him to fuel my cigarettes.
I think it's high time I kick the butt.
May be Arun was in Nagpur but he was clearly lying. His lies are so obvious.
May be I don't need to chew his brains further. It's been a while since my last cigarette and I think I'll make it. I hear that the first and third days are the hardest and 12 hours after quitting smoking.
I'll always love Arun but it wasn't meant to be, the biggest reason being him being married. That's why it was rocky from the start.
Also, he wasnt happy with me. He stopped calling and messaging for the longest time.
I'll miss his kind eyes. The sweetness in his eyes is so profound. There's never been a dull moment with him. And yes there's been lots of fighting. I'll cherish all our memories. I don't think I'll be able to date for a long time.
That guy a few weeks ago at Veda Factory Nitin Srivatsava was so interested in me. But I blocked him.
I don't think Arun and I were on the same page when it came to our committment.
Also, I think he was really unhappy.
So was I. Everytime he spoke about his wife lovingly, which was on every date, and compared me to other girls I was very unhappy.
I really hope he gets over this fear that he's going to go mad. He won't go mad. His sweetness will tide him through. He may face some other troubles in relationships because he does nothing to build trust and when he's caught clearly lying it boils your blood.
I myself will not lie henceforth and I will not smoke cigarettes. Then I won't be burning money away.
I think Arun is happier without me. What hurts is that he didn't really value my love and sincerity. May be he took my love for granted because I said I Love You so many times.
Also, may be my multiple messaging when I'm angsty got to him. I would love for a guy to love me more than he did and gel more with me than he did. Someone I'm more devoted to and someone who accepts me just the way I am.
Quitting smoking is not hard. Dealing with the urges is the easiest. It's the fickle finger to pick up that one more cigarette that one has to be mindful of.
Frankly, Arun is a rockstar. I think the world of him and I wish him all the happiness in the world. Even fighting with him makes my love for him grow more. I don't think it does the same for him since he's so tired of me.
I wish I could kiss him one more time and caress his hair.
I'll miss him always.
Love,
Me.
9.01 am
Also I feel really bad that I fought with him on his birthday, the most special day of his life. I prayed so hard to have a warm conversation with him because we were talking after 12 days after I called him last. But the bird flew away long before that and the writing was on the wall and I missed it. I did see three dreams of us breaking up. I think he was in the throes of cheating on me then. And the betrayal card, I can't forget that. I should have realised he is cheating on me. It was so obvious. I don't think he respects me or has faith in me. And hopefully some day I won't give him so much importance in my mindscape and still pray for him and wish him well.
I saw Naishad in my dreams last to last night and that Kali was letting me go to him.
May be I miss the kind of romance I had with Naishad or there are some unresolved feelings there. Anyway dating Kali was better.
Hopefully, he'll forgive me for this fight and understand me. He does understand me. But he's a cheater. He always extol his wife's virtues then why is he cheating on her? He really loves his wife. I wish he loved me too. Unattached me was really attached to him.
Tears idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair.
The truth is I am a girl who hasn't been married yet and hasn't carried children but when Arun called me one fourth the woman that his wife is he really disrespected me and my emotions.
I've always wanted to get married and have children. I absolutely adore children. I love the building kids and I love spending time with them. I absolutely dote on Neel and Naina. I would never ever hurt a child. What karma must it be that I haven't had one of my own and not yet found the perfect guy. I think if someone tries to understand me they would love me. Alas! Arun didn't find me likeable. And he had his cheating ways. He truly is not husband material but he's such a soft-hearted ogre and so interesting.
Bhab, Ro and all the other guys who proposed were so boring. I would never be able to live with them. Ma has become so agitated these days. She is always angry. May be her foot hurts. I'll make cabbage today and give Ma a massage when she comes back home.
I hope to find a guy I absolutely adore and to distract myself from the thoughts of Arun that I'm so used to I think I'll write. Hope to get Tarot calls today.
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