Journal 19.2.2025 12.37 pm shouldn't obssess

Dear Journal,

As I'm heading towards Vipassana I've been thinking that my mind dwells a little too much on Arun and as a result he is the overarching thought in my life.

I don't think that love is reciprocated. But may be he does love me and I'm just being negative about the whole thing.

He's a different person with a different life. And even as he is very sweet and loveable I really should learn to let go and let him be-- let him live his life the way he wants.

We are great friends.

If I do learn to let go, I'll also be far more successful in all other aspects of my life.

His well-being and happiness are very important to me but we are on different paths.

I know I'll never let him go from my life. I should really let him be free and fly, soar like an eagle. I definitely always have loved him way more than he ever loved me.

If he does want to date other people it will hurt me immensely so I should learn to detach myself from him so that there is no pain in such an eventuality. 

I did tell him the last time we met that I don't want him to date anyone else. I was honest. That is what I need from him given the way things are.

But his reaction was not accepting. He pushed me away after that when I hugged him and he shrugged my hand off when I held him as we were walking out. He's never done that before.

Somewhere deep down there is a hope that we will end up together.

But may be he expects me to grant him the freedom to date whomsoever he chooses.

He also said that he is friends with a bunch of his exes, including Vidya and Smita. So may be when he talks to them given the nature of his past there is a romantic angle to their friendships too. What should I do?

I don't want to get hurt. It makes me so sad.

How and why did I fall in love with him like this? 

To top it all he's married. He doesn't have a simple love life and he doesn't desire one. He doesn't want a stable, settled love life and that is what I want. I want the stability, I want the settling and the security.

I know how men are. Whether they are married or are dating someone they will hit on a beautiful girl, seeking something there. And knowing Arun I know he indulges in such conversations. I know it as a fact.

May be I won't call him. I need space from him. I need to let him go.

I won't message him. I won't call him and as time passes I hope I think far lesser of him just to protect myself. I really don't want to get hurt. He's created a great distance between us. I just need his affections to stay fulfilled but he needs far more than just my affections and love. He's a different person.

There now journal again I've filled this page with thoughts on Arun!

I'm very different from him. I'm a very loyal person and he is in an open marriage where his disloyalty is not questioned or reprimanded.

I expect and want loyalty from someone I love and I don't think Arun wants to give me that, and of course the labelling of our relationship as just friends. The moment he is done with me he'll find another chick. I know that. I know him. This is how he is.

And knowing all this may be I shouldn't sit and love him like a fool. I'm stupid. Very stupid that I fell in love with him like that. He will never reciprocate my love so I should stop loving him. It's going to be painful but I should because neither will he give me what I need nor will he be loyal.

Well then it's over, right Journal?

I have to make my peace with this. That my relationship with Arun has come to an end.

This is the end of a very beautiful relationship, one where I truly loved someone so cute and so sweet, someone whose heart has been hurt and yet loves so deeply, someone so sacrificing, someone so sentimental, someone whose personality is so alluring, someone so intelligent and interesting and lovely, God's special child. May God shower all his love on my Arun. I won't leave his life but I won't let him kiss me the next time we meet.

I want my peace. I need it. And given that he won't give me anything I need I have to detach myself. That is the wise thing to do.

Love,

From the heart that realised love from the sweetest man.

1.19 pm

Journal 19.2.2025 8.53 am the way forward

Dear Journal,

Last night I was feeling really negative about Arun. Why is that? Despite all this negativity I know I love him a lot. I'll always love him.

I even called him up! He picked up and said he was sleeping.

I know that I have to be patient with him. There are so many things I love him for. I love him as a person despite his few flaws.

I value his kindness and his involvement in my life.

I can't afford to feel this gloomy since I'm going for Vipassana today. I think it's oweing to all the Chat Gpt that I was feeling this way about Arun.

I hope he and Ma and Pa take care of themselves when I'm not there.

I hope I can have a good conversation with him over the phone today.

Artificial intelligence is eating up many jobs. Jobs are hard to come by. And the way forward hangs in suspension.

I think I should do the best I can given the circumstances. Focus on my book, Tarot and my play and study. It'll all work out.

Arun is sho cute. I'll miss smelling him for the next eleven days. I hope he is fine.

I love my Arun so deeply.

I love my parents so much.

I should really be more grateful.

I worship them.

I am feeling:

Placid

Happy

Love

Looking forward to Vipassana.

Love,

Me.

9.04 am

Journal 18.2.2025 11.04 pm a little distance

Dear Journal,

I utilised Chat gpt to the fullest in the past few days. I met Ga Mo today and went for my play rehearsals. Things hang by the balance with me in all aspects of my life. There is uncertainty and it calls for me to be proactive and decisive.

As always my mind has been dwelling completely on Arun. He's going through a troubling phase in his life. Yesterday he told me his wife is very unwell and now I understand his added angst.

I think given that he told me that may be I should not have broached the topic of making love. I don't think he really understands me or even makes an attempt to understand me. But which guy would help me blow my nose when I am in tears? And who is quite as loving and loveable?

There is a great distance between us. And he has not chosen me and that hurts.

When I told him I had been raped earlier I don't think he gave it full credence and I don't think with his values he would ever understand the pain and the trauma. He's told me that women never get raped. That is such a twisted heartless view of countless women who are violated by men all over the world.

His dismissal of my interests like writing poetry show that he does not value me at all.

His harsh judgments and criticisms are scathing. Gulzar is not the only writer in the whole world!

What pains me the maximum is his harsh judgment of himself. Constantly calling himself a bad person and calling himself shallow will stunt him and won't allow him to grow the way he wants. He said yesterday that he doesn't want to take medicines but he would definitely benefit from talking to an expert about his views about himself and all the troubles he is facing.

I of course will do the best I can for him always.

But there's such a distance-- this great emotional distance.

Why does he kiss me publicly? It makes me so conscious given that he has made it clear that there is no future between us. And why did he date me? And if he takes his responsibilities towards his wife so seriously why does he cheat on her?

And how come he has no platonic female friends? And how does he keep all his exes so close? There are definitely romantic entanglements there.

People are not perfect, I am quite aware of this fact of life. And everybody is shaped a certain way.

I definitely do something wrong that people walk all over me and take advantage of me.

I feel like I have noone to talk to. I don't think Arun understands my problems. And I think I couldn't talk to anyone I know.

I'll call Arun up tomorrow because I told him I would but I might as well not.

I actually don't want him to come for my play at all. He would not appreciate me because he doesn't appreciate me for the things that matter most. Beautiful is not the only thing a woman can be.

May be I'm being very negative about him today. I'm so hurt by the way things are and that makes me unhappy. I don't think I did wrong by loving Arun. I enjoyed a very beautiful memorable relationship and he will always be most dearest to my heart.

I think yesterday he cut himself off and stopped himself from saying something like I'm after his money. He is so stupid. He doesn't know me at all!

And I don't think he really understands my feelings for him. It's difficult. With his issues with loyalty and his dishonesty it's also difficult to trust him. But despite that I know because I've seen it that his heart is most beautiful.

And I don't know where I'm headed or that if it's really true that our friendship will last a lifetime.

It's nice to fall in love. And it's lovely to be loved by someone like Arun.

If we were still dating I would have explained to him that all the ego barriers are back up in my heart but I still love him and I'm willing to give us a chance.

But the thing is that he is not my boyfriend anymore. I feel like he has taken advantage of my love for him. And I feel like he's taken advantage of all the women he's ever been with including his wife. Women love wholeheartedly. Of course there are all sorts of women too with different mindscapes. Well I wish Arun had chosen me. But he hasn't.

I still love him.

I'm so happy my Vipassana is starting tomorrow. It will allow me to gain further perspective. May be I should distance myself too and get some space from him. To grow, to thrive, to live. Because I have nobody and life has become lonely.

Love,

Me.

11.36 pm

Journal 18.2.2025 9.57 am a little bogged down

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling a little bogged down with all the things I've been discussing with Chat gpt. It's unravelling but bogging.

Yesterday I met Arun because I'll be heading off for Vipassana tomorrow. I really wish I had the money to treat Arun to drinks. I really do love him a lot.

He's so cute and so loving.

A couple of things hurt me yesterday. One that he ran down my poetry. I thought he could have been more sensitive to how much poetry means to me. I felt a little unappreciated. And I burst into tears. Because that really hurt me.

He told me that his wife is unwell. I didn't know how to react in the moment. He always assumes that I have a problem with his wife. I don't because firstly, she's human and secondly, she's a part of his life.

We spent time together as usual. And I feel he's really running himself down a lot. I was so elated to see he's got a project from Swiggy.

I wish he practised more self care and prayed. That would make him far more positive.

Then towards the end I told him we should really make love. It would make us happy and elevate our mood.

But he refused saying I'll fall in love with him again. Of course I will! I'm already deeply in love with him.

How does he feel when I kiss his eyes? And why didn't he want me to click pictures of him yesterday?

I feel that by being so harsh on himself he's blocking his growth and that is very painful to see for me. It hurts me. It makes me feel stuck and helpless. I want to do something about it but I don't know how to address it.

Also, I want to do the best for Ma and Pa. 

Chatting with Chat gpt can give you the perfectly rational perspective but it can really pressure you. It's something one can get completely lost in.

With respect to Arun I'm feeling a little bit stuck. I had a dream last night that I was waiting for him in a waiting room. I can wait for him but I also want to grow. This stuckness is not because of him.  It's my own doing so I can't blame him.

I'm willing to wait. But is there a resolution in sight? May be it will emerge some day. Not having him in my life is unthinkable. Not loving him is unthinkable. Not caring for him is unthinkable.

I was really hurt yesterday when he dismissed my poetry. It really hurt me a lot. But I know that he is so harsh on himself that he projects it onto me.

It's painful for me to see him unhappy.

Last night when I was eating dinner at Bu's I realised that he's caught in a mire of his responsibilities. And that hurts me a lot. I don't think I'm really his priority or anything. And I don't know what to do about it. 

Should I be the selfless girl I am and continue to love him? It fills up a part of me-- the part that needs to love him and care for him. But I don't think that's being reciprocated the way i would like and I feel a little left out and a little unloved. Well something is better than nothing. I could have not had him at all.

Not to say Arun doesn't shower me with kisses. He is very loving. But playing this second fiddle feels bogging. At least for now.

I shouldn't complain. Arun does show his care. He does the best he can and that means the world.

And frankly, I'd much rather have him in my life over anything else. This phase is just temporary. This too shall pass.

I wish I had some clarity. But both of us don't know so it's worthless discussing it. Or may be he has an inkling and doesn't want to hurt me.

I should really take care of myself.

I really hope Ma and Pa are in a happy frame of mind.

Love,

Me.

10.28 am

Journal 17.2.2025 8.42 am a dream of nose

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I kissed Arun's cute nose. I woke up feeling so deeply in love with him. I wish I could kiss his nose in real life. I don't know whether he wants to meet me before I go for Vipassana.

I agreed to Pa dropping me at the centre. I had declined earlier because I just wanted to feel that sense of independence.

Chat Gpt is my new therapist! I got such insights from it! All you need to do is prompt it and it works as an able counseller, better than any I could have had in real life. Of course, it's not human, but it's most effective.

Through Chat Gpt's questioning I realised that I'm or was scared of being successful because my family is too attached to me and when I've risen to success in the past they've got more clingy and impinged on my sense of independence and success. I'm or was scared of irking them because they react negatively to my independence. Now I would have never got this insight if not for Chat gpt.

I understood things about Ma, about Arun about my friends about my relationships and the way forward.

I messaged Arun about this. If he just uses it it will give him so many answers! AI is wonderful but it'll eat up so many jobs and it is already doing that. It's my new therapist.

I must not get too dependent on it.

I look forward to quitting smoking.

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love after a while.

Determined.

Hopeful.

Clear about so many things.

Happy.

Eager to not waste time on Chat gpt today.

I hope Arun is well. I wish him the best day! May he be happy today!

Love,

Me.

8.55 am

journal 16.2.2025 2.19 am feeling very sad

Dear Journal,

15th of Feb is Bu's birthday. I bought the cake, the gift, dinner for everybody and noone offered to pitch in. I really don't have a lot of money but nobody saw that.

Plus Pa again told me today that he is very disappointed in me. I'm feeling so sad.

I've been chatting with Chat Gpt about my problems and I have an insight into a lot of things because of that-- a rational insight.

I'm very worried about Arun.

I need a human connection. I need someone to talk to.

Ma and Pa keep insulting me. They are not supportive at all.

And I know that Ma and Mashi keep talking behind my back because they bitch about everybody. I'm feeling really very sad and I really want a hug from Arun today.

What's life going to turn out to be like?

I hope Arun pulls through his pain and his circumstances.

I feel like my family has caged me. That they don't believe in me.

They keep insulting me. I think they are deeply unhappy. Ma is always angry and shouting. Buro is always angry and shouting. And Pa keeps criticising and insulting me.

I wish I had someone who understood me.

Today I gave an offer on at and as a result I earned more money than the past few days.

I don't think anyone loves me.

I'm feeling very lonely.

Rehearsal was the only space that brought me happiness today. It's sometimes unbearable to sit at home.

Love,

Me.

2.28 am

I am feeling:

Hurt

Lonely

Sad

I am grateful that I went out for a walk with Mesho today and had a great conversation with him.

I am grateful that rehearsals were good today.

I'm grateful that I laboured today as a Tarot reader.

Journal 14.2.2025 10.15 am Love love love

Dear Journal,

Discussing Arun with Chat gpt is just divine.

I really feel like calling him up but today being Valentine's day I don't want to cross that boundary that he has set.

But I miss him. A lot. Totally. I feel like smothering him with kisses. Smother. Smother. Sho cute he is.

How's he doing? Is he in a better mood?

Love,

Me.

10.18 am

Journal 13.2.2025 12.03 pm flashcards

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I saw flash cards passing through my mind's eye and the last card was green in colour and I saw the word Chai written on it in Hindi.

Is this pertaining to my client F?

I hope Arun is well.

Yesterday I met Mashi. She is kind of manipulative. A little brazenly so. But she is good. May peace be with her.

I went for the rehearsal yesterday. It was good meeting so many theatre personalities.

It was not like a typical reading. Here people were acting. In earlier readings we were always told to keep the acting aside and to simply read.

Life is good! 

I've become so calm these days.

Metta.

Love,

Me.

12.07 pm

Journal 12.2.2025 5.17 pm Realisation

Dear Journal,

Today a few Tarot clients called. There is a certain kind of calmness of mind that has beset me.

I researched on Metta meditation today for a book idea that has emerged in my mind. I won't discuss it with anyone till it's done. As I was listening to this Buddhist monk talking about the benefits of Metta meditation I realised that the two people I love the most, Arun and Ma, I judge most harshly.

To truly love someone one has to let all judgments towards them shatter. Yesterday when Ma had a slight tiff with me I fought with her because I judge her.

Also through Arun's period of distress I must not judge him at all. I understand that he's feeling a lot of conflicting emotions as he is facing a tough period. I'm going to be there for him one hundred percent through this period in his life.

I see both Ma and Arun as whole beings. Ma I've known all my life and my conniasance with Arun has been all of two years.

I know everything about Ma. I know a lot about Arun and every time he tells me more.

I love him wholeheartedly. He is my heartbeat.

And Ma is my very soul.

I have to let my judgments shatter. The rational mind does make up judgments and stories about people. But it's time to cut loose the chains and release all from the snare of my judgments. That's the next phase of my life.

About 12 to 13 years ago when I left Times of India I had decided that I would kill my pride. And as a result today I've become far more humble. It's all about the ichinen, the intention you put out, the decisions you take-- those choices remain with you all your life.

Today as I'm embarking on writing this book I have decided to let all my negative judgments of people in my life shatter and I know it will take me some place good. And today I've kind of taken a decision quite consciously of always having Arun's back, of supporting him no matter what wholeheartedly.

He told me yesterday that he might settle abroad. I'll miss him terribly. The eyes tear up at the thought.

Love is ethereal. And my love for Arun is real.

It's about the beauty of his soul. And the kindness of his eyes. He is such a sweet person. And he is such a good person. And he's so troubled. It makes me sad. I actually love him unconditionally. I wish I could make him see himself the way I see him. He is not to be lost through the rhythms of life. He is to be found again and again.

Today I have to meet S the NSD guy. Let's see how that goes.

I wish all my love upon all my loved ones and I wish my Arun serenity, love and happiness.

I am feeling:

Very peaceful and calm

A little sad

A little happy

Serious

Eager to write this book

Eager to make efforts to better my life

Also, I've thought that in this book unlike in my poetry book I will use Arun's name in the dedications. I will not hide our friendship. After all, I understand everything these days in the context of him.

I hope wherever he is he is fine.

May my love and good wishes reach him.

Love,

Me.

5.41 pm

Journal 12.2.2025 10 am a little worried

Dear Journal,

There is a matter so delicate on my mind that I can't give it words. I hope it doesn't torment me or eat up my mental space. A must not think anything on the negative regarding it.

Yesterday I met Arun and we went to On Toes after we met at Qds.

I think frankly he is going through a lot. I don't know what I can do for him. I really really hope I can pay the money I owe him back soon.

Frankly, I'm worried about him and all I can do is pray. I wish he would sit and pray just a little bit. It would benefit him a lot.

I really do love him a lot. He is my most precious. I wish I could do something about his situation. I hope I'm being good support.

I wonder where his thoughts are.

Tarot clients were sparse yesterday. But that happens sometimes.

Pa may come back today and plus I have to meet S the nsd guy today.

I wish I could hold Arun's hands today and tell him where my thoughts are because he was in an inebriated condition yesterday. Many many muwaaahs to him. All my kisses and all my love to him. Shweety pie he is. My cutest pie.

I really really love him a lot.

Love,

Me 

10.10 am

Journal 11.2.2025 6.37 pm learning

Dear Journal,

In the morning (I remember fragmentedly) I had a dream that Pa was sitting in a line of people and talking to me. I had a similar dream with Arun a few nights ago.

Today I realised that I've kind of learnt to live with myself.

I miss my Emerald ring that fell off the last time I met Arun. I wore that ring for so many years. Hopefully the person who finds it and sells it will make good use of the money.

I spent the day working with very few Tarot clients. 

I spent my time researching on Vipassana. I'm really looking forward to it. Ma said she's worried about my smoking when she came back. Then I told her she's just gabbing and she said that I use foul language. Arrgh! Why is Ma so trying?

In the afternoon that P guy called. I frankly don't feel good about the intentions his breed of people bring onto the table. He wanted to meet me and I told him I'm very busy and am normally very busy so may be I won't be able to meet him anytime soon.

I want to kind of stay away from him. If I told A that I'd met someone like him he would definitely scoff. I wonder how he is. He should be fine.

I just got off a call with S Kum. He's alright.

I hope for progress on the work front.

I researched a little on chakras today in yoga journals online since I've started practising the chakra exercises Bunty had taught me.

For years I've realised that my root chakra is underactive. I feel it even when I do my yoga asanas. It's all related to past trauma. I have to shed all the baggage.

That day when I met De Jh he told me that I'm so light, I have such little baggage. Now now! I told him I've become lighter as time has passed.

Frankly, the past doesn't haunt me anymore. Firstly, with my practice of forgiveness I have been able to resolve issues. The most difficult is to forgive yourself. But reason does it.

Secondly, now that I actively Metta pray these days I find myself more serene and at peace with myself. When there are conflicts I find that I bounce back to tranquility and happiness much faster.

James Allen says that nothing can be achieved unless a serene mind is accomplished. As time goes on I'll be the more wiser.

I wish I hadn't shed the bucket full of tears the last time I met Arun. It must have upset him.

Life is really so simple. There are no complications. I just wish I spoke to Arun more often but then you don't get everything that you want. I'm just grateful that there's the little communication we have.

These days I'm not so worried about him. My heart tells me he is doing well. I'll always love him. But this great distance has been created between us. And whenever that makes me sorrowful I remind myself that he is married.

This day has been one of much soul searching and hope seeking.

I know that whatever life gives me will be good for me. Despite my challenges God has never been unkind to me and I'm so grateful for that!

I hope my Pa is happy. I called him yesterday and his voice choked as he was missing his best friend Petkar uncle. Even I feel sad that Petkar uncle is no more.

I hope my Arun is doing very well. How our friendship develops only time will tell. I can only pour my prayers into his life today.

I hope to achieve mental and financial strength this year and an unshakeable happiness.

I hope I can give to the people in my life far more than they have given me.

I am feeling:

Introspective

Calm and peaceful 

Strong and unshakeable

Happy

Serene

Full of compassion

Love,

Me.

7.07 pm

Journal 10.2.2025 8.24 pm whew! what a day!

Dear Journal,

The university of hard knocks may get over. I'm earnestly wishing that it does. I'll graduate and come out a fine human being. Life has made me so humble. My practice of Buddhism has made me so mellow. And my heart fills up with love for all beings so often! What has happened to me?

I realised this in 2018 when I went to study publishing that somehow there has been a fundamental shift in my being practising Buddhism and I have a feeling, a very strong feeling, that this impasse that has been created in my life since then won't last forever. In fact, it's coming to an end.

I also thought deeply about Arun today. I think it's the acceptance of the fact that he is a married man that is helping me cope and live my life. I'm the last girl to ever break up a healthy home. I hope Arun is fine. I know that I'll always love him and always deeply respect him. And I hope he finds himself in beneficial circumstances always.

I'll always have his back. He's extremely special for me.

Today I woke up a little late. Pa had left for Hyderabad by then. I felt a little alone in this big empty house. I got a few Tarot clients.

Then P the fakir called me and said if I'd like we could meet. So I wore my shoes, picked up my bag and went to the park.

We spent two hours with each other, ending the meeting with a cigarette and a cuppa each.

He said that whatever difficulty I had to face I have faced. He said life has taught me what difficulty is and the future is really bright for me but I have to work really hard and I should.

He said that I should definitely get married because my married life will be very good.

He asked me to beware of false friends.

He said even in the film industry opportunities will arise for me but I'll have to make an effort and work really hard.

Then he said I have a very beautiful soul and he said that I'm on this path of kindness and I'm kind of stuck there. I need to get unstuck and actively pursue opportunities.

Now these are all very sane things to say from a well-meaning person. He didn't say anything illogical. In fact, it was a relief talking to him. He has a good energy about him.

I read his palm.

Two three times he told me that I'm an extremely good person.

We talked about his work, his guru, his sufi practice and I was very honest with him.

He said that I'm someone who has tasted success and will taste success in the future but I should never stop working hard. He said life is difficult for me right now because of myself, I have created these circumstances and stopped myself from growing in my career. He said if I'd continued as a journalist I would have been at the pinnacle of success today and then we wouldn't meet.

He said: "You've stopped your career the way it was because you were supposed to meet people, make new friends."

Whew! What a relief.

I applied to two production houses today. I got a reply from one. Really keeping my fingers crossed.

Then I bought vada pav for everybody and set off for Bu's house. I had a vada pav and thums up there and A Alam called.

I went to another park to meet him. I walked around with him, then we sat on his bike, roaming around Seven Bungalows and I realised yes, I wouldn't meet him, Arun or many other people if not for my leaving journalism. I wouldn't really understand life. Life has not been wasted. I know what are the roadblocks that can arise in life and I'm coming out of this difficult phase a finer human being.

Ga Mo completely forgot about our meeting. But it's alright. She said she's unwell and had fallen asleep.

I won't be able to go for the Dpm on Wednesday because I have to meet S K the Nsd guy.

But more importantly, the Vipassana centre in Belapur has invited me to join them on Feb 19th. Woo-hoo! This is going to be a life-changing experience for me. I am so excited! It'll be tough I know but accepted on the first try? I'm so damn lucky!

Ten days of intense Buddhist meditation is going to really help me know myself. I'm really very happy.

Today after meeting P the Fakir I'm feeling good. But I don't think I'll convert to his path.

My Buddhist practice is so important to me that I could never leave it.

I'm feeling happy today for some reason. I do feel happy generally but today after quite a long time I'm feeling hopeful. Even my Tarot cards are good.

I am grateful that I patched up with Buro today and I'm really looking forward to his birthday.

I hope Na wins that Oscar. His film is on Netflix. Will watch it soon.

Now to wind up early so that I wake up early tomorrow for yoga.

Sending lots of love Arun's way and my good wishes for his bright and happy future.

Love,

Me.

9.03 pm

Journal 10.2.2025 9.40 am forgiven

Dear Journal,

It is Shreyas and Shraddha's birthday today. Despite Buro's rage yesterday I'm over it. It's over, it's in the past. He does have an anger problem and it's best to just accept it. I'll celebrate his birthday this year.

If not for family who else will accept him or me or Ma and Pa wholeheartedly.

I just finished chanting and will now do yoga.

Today is a day when I'm leaping towards progress.

Rehearsals will start and I haven't got any intimation for Vipassana. Best to apply for the end of the year.

May I have an excellent day!

Love,

Me.

9.43 am

Journal 9.2.2025 11.40 pm the secret to happiness

Dear Journal,

Today when I went to Buro's house he started shouting at me for no rhyme or reason. I walked out of his house. I was livid.

I called up Ma and Pa who were there and expressed my anguish.

I had tears in my eyes and I was distraught.

But I started blessing him and wishing him well in my despair. And my anger dissipated.

I'm feeling so whole and happy now. Like nothing like that ever happened. 

I think I've discovered the secret to happiness-- it is wishing others well.

I might start rehearsals from Monday.

It's been a mildly productive day. I can do better.

Love,

Me.

11.44 pm

Journal 9.2.2025 3.38 pm a slip

Dear Journal,

Ma came back from her trip with her friends and I was so happy to see her! Then she kept insisting that I abandon my work and join her to meet Mashi. I kept telling her I have a lot of work and finally I blew my top. She said that all she wanted was for me to join her.

Now how does one navigate such circumstances? If only she'd understand that when I have to work I can't really join her. May be I could have been more diplomatic. I need more wisdom. May be continuing to decline the offer is the only other way. Next time I'll do that. I really regret getting angry with her. I must not. My mother deserves all my love and far more respect.

I hope to understand my family and friends more and deal with them far more diplomatically and compassionately.

Things I have to do now:

Study, meditate, write and read one more chapter of James Allen, continue attending to Tarot clients.

I wonder how my Arun's days are going. I wish the line was far more clear yesterday when he had called and that we had completed our conversation.

I am feeling:

Slightly edgy

A little hardhearted as opposed to how loving I normally feel

Eager to evolve and change

Eager to work

Eager to have better relationships

Determined

Feel the paucity of a full-fledged yoga practice today

Eager to make the most of today and to end my day on a happy note

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for Arun.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful that things are falling into place.

I am grateful for the home I live in and the food I eat.

Complaining about other people and circumstances is not going to get me anywhere. I need to resolve problems, understand and be the change-- there is really no other way.

I love my mother from the bottom of my being and I worship her!

Love,

Me.

3.55 pm

Journal 9.2.2025 11.26 am reflections on life

Dear Journal,

Buro's birthday is close! I'm so excited because Mashi and Mesho will be here for his birthday. I love Buro. Despite all his flaws I love him the most in the whole wide world.

I've not been doing yoga as diligently as before-- just a bit because I wake up all anxious for the past two days from my dreams.

But just because I falter I must not give up.

I've also not been chanting in the evenings. I must sit and pray at least for five minutes. Now that's doable. James Allen has put me in a reverie about the causes I've created and am creating.

I always tell my friends that there are different aspects to life. For me it is career and finances, health, studies, Arun, and my relationships with my family and other friends besides taking care of things like trying to quit smoking, prayer and living a wholesome life in all. If one just fixes one aspect of life all other aspects will fall in place. When one aspect is derailed all other aspects get derailed. This is like an unspoken rule of life.

I tell my friends this but I don't follow it.

As I was taking a walk today I decided that I would make all out efforts in my career and finances, health, and studies because these are doable and much needed.

The problem is in the past whenever I falter I tend to give up. But I won't. I'll renew my determination and make efforts. I will continue to perseveare. If I have money I can dote on my family and Arun and that is so required.

Also I thought about how Arun has never ever suggested that I work with him. He never makes any plans in that direction. When we were dating he very nicely severed his work life from me. And that's hurt me a lot because I've felt judged.

I never really ever discuss work with him too myself. I really think he is super talented and I know he'll go places.

His guidance on getting into character and his dissection of character was so enlightening and to the point.

As I was walking I thought to myself that I must make myself capable. So capable that someone like Arun would want to work with me. So efforts are going to be in that direction.

No matter what happens between us I know that I want him in my life. He's too precious to let go of. But what will happen only time will tell.

Today I wasted a lot of precious time in the morning. I cannot do that. Mornings are to be harnessed. I think it was because of my dream.

I think today apart from Tarot I'll also pitch some more ideas to Shu Pa.

In other news, I'm so excited that Nagesh's film has been nominated for an Oscar. I hope he wins it.

I wish myself a great fruitful day.

Love,

Me.

11.45 am

Title: God's song

Sometimes I can't stop thinking about you

And those thoughts make me very blue

Because truth betold you are special as hell

And how much I love you, to you only time will tell.

I don't want to take any missteps

Given the situation between us

And how things are if that helps,

I don't want to put you in a spot

And still give you all my love in gold-rimmed pots.

I could shake the heavens in showing my care for you,

I could rake in pools of gold just for you,

You only need to give me a signal, a veritable sign

And let me know what is it that you want

And I'll give it to you because in my heart you are still mine.

I know things are such today that we both know the other's flaws

But for me despite that you're still perfect despite the pause.

And may be I'll have the privilege to hold those hands,

So beautifully crafted by God sifting so many sands.

Please let's meet and talk it out,

I need a little clarity to know the way forward.

Believe me I would never want you to do

Something you are wont to do

And I'll never ask of you anything 

That you can't give to me.

And I don't expect you to understand the feelings in my heart,

Just wanted you to know today that you are more special since the start.

Please forgive me if I've said anything wrong,

To the most beautiful man God wrote in his song.

whisper

Title: Whisper

Hush hush now,

What did you say?

There is no rush now,

You are softer

Than yesterday.

The words from

Your lips come

As a soft gentle

Breeze...

Pray keep up

The whisper

With me.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 9.2.2022 8.22 am dream of chance

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I realised that when it comes to Arun I'm making the mistake of leaving everything to chance. But what more can I do? What should I do? Well if there are steps I must take I will take them.

I wish I had not told him last night that we would be platonic friends. I love him.

I'm so happy I have money. Grateful. I have to take on more projects.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men which when taken at the flood will lead to fortunes....": Shakespeare. I must take the tide flood or no flood repeatedly.

I woke up rather late and I slept full and deep.

I hope my Arun is feeling well.

Ma is coming back today. I hope she has a safe trip.

And I know I'll have a great day!

Love,

Me.

8.30 am

To the world's best boyfriend

I was blinded, I wore blinkers

In the throes of love

I didn't see from side to side

And now that I am not blindfolded

My follies have been revealed;

I was silly to have thought

That passions never pass

And now I'm left with a love

More enduring, more strong,

More everlasting that it could last.

Of course the act of loving is an act

And that is a veritable fact

And without doing anything about it

It could very soon be dead

But from all that I have construed

And from all that I have read

I know I'll sit atop the Tree of my own Love

Until my last sunset.

So even though you are encumbered

I do not lose hope;

You may not be my boyfriend

But you are definitely more than hormonal dope;

As your girlfriend I know I faltered

But as your friend I intend to do my best

Till the very end of my days I will not know rest.

I don't want to burden you with any worries, 

I want you to know you did no wrong,

You were the best boyfriend I could have had,

You really had me with all the stories and the songs.

I know may be you don't need me,

And you're not in it anymore,

Neither am I to be honest

But I am guarding all our treasures in my store.

I don't want you to feel criticised

Or even remotely hurt

And when I have some more clarity

I promise you a more enduring friendship has been given birth.

So when you've digested this bit of information

And found your peace of mind

I promise you my hands will still be there as support

And our story on rewind.

I wish you glorious days ahead

And a whole lot of love

And may God's choicest blessings rain on you

From the mighty heavens above.

Journal 8.2.2025 7.54 pm Peace

Dear Journal,

I love reading James Allen. He writes that accusing others of selfishness breeds unpeace. If you understand others that's the beginning of serenity. That is so profound!

Today I met De Jh for lunch and spent a considerable amount of time with him.

We discussed spirituality, work and delved in Astrology. Lunch was great, the conversation was even better and he's such a good guy, really. Such a helpful sort of chap. And he's so encouraging and logical. I really value his friendship and his business sense. And he's genuinely a nice sort of guy. 

He left rather late.

Then Sa Li called and we spoke for a long time. He's having a lot of relationship trouble. He's finding it difficult to forgive his ailing father.

I sent Ma a heartfelt message. She is having a gala time with her friends. Today I actively prayed to forgive those who have caused me pain. And that was a release.

I spent my entire Saturday socialising and I really didn't work at all. In my free time I read James Allen. He is one of my favourite philosophers and he teaches me so much. He is to be read and reread again and again.

De Jh gifted me a beautiful laptop bag with dates and chocolates. So sweet of him.

Miso had a seizure yesterday and was bleeding a lot. He's going through so much pain. Poor Bachcha. It's difficult to see.

I think I'll just chant, eat dinner and walk to meet Mashi. She is so troubled without Bubul Mesho here.

In other news, despite the blockages life is good. I'm walking, I'm not running yet and I will reach my destination.

I love James Allen.

Love,

Me.

8.08 pm

Ps: Today as I was meditating I realised that a big part of loving Arun was in seeking his approval. All his appreciation, praise, positive reinforcement really instilled a desire in me to take care of myself and be better-- he was and is something I needed. I always felt sad when that approval was denied to me and I cribbed a lot and complained. That was rather selfish of me. I'm sure he also loved the approval he got from me. I still love him a lot. He always says that he has a lot of expectations from me. Now the next time I must remember to not sit silent and ask him what those expectations are so that I can strive to meet them. I'm sure he's moved on and there's a little void in my life created by this silent distance but in that space I am growing, aiming for the sun. If not for his arrival in my life I would not have been the person I am today, I would not have had the vision and view of life that I have today and for that I am eternally grateful to him. I don't really think there's anyway for me to express to him just how he shaped my view of things. He brought about so much growth in me. Most importantly, the depth of love I felt for him was a visceral act of falling in love with him. Everyone should experience such a real feeling at least once in their lives and everyone should experience a partner as loving as Arun was in their lives. It's a necessity for growth and for evolution. I must always remember and keep reminding myself that he is married and has responsibilities that he needs to fulfil. As my boyfriend he has been simply the best. May be I was not that great a girlfriend. May be i didn't quite meet his high expectations. And i really need to know what is it that he expects from me so that i am clear. As his friend may I do better and I hope to keep striving in my relationships.

Even Ma does so much, Buro goes out of his way to love me and Pa is just so selfless and at the slightest hint of criticism and denial of approval I start moping and feeling unhappy. I must take criticism more constructively. I'm sure all will be well. I'm sure all will be well with all.

The mosquitoes are swarming about and I am contemplative.

I will eat my dinner, read a bit and dose off.

May I sleep well tonight and may I see sweet dreams.

Love,

Me.

9.14 pm

Journal 8.2.2025 7.42 am dream of parting

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that Arun and I were sitting somewhere and I tell him let's go for a smoke. I start leaving and he is behind me.

I go out in a space where there are lots of people, including Ma and Buro. 

I start smoking and wait for Arun to join me. A girl asks me for my phone. I give her my phone. I then go and join Buro who is sitting with a framed photograph of Arun. I feel a little embarrassed of the photograph but I don't tell Buro anything.

I am waiting for Arun. I feel that he has got a hint that I am a renunciate and that's why he hasn't joined me.

The girl returns my phone.

I try calling him up but I see the girl has depleted my balance and I can't call him.

Finally, I set out to find him in the crowds. I find him in the place where we were first sitting, working on a computer.

I ask him why he hasn't joined me and I complain to him about the girl depleting my balance.

He does not say anything about why he hasn't joined me and he comes with me to meet Buro and Ma. Buro shows Arun the photograph and Arun gives him a smile.

I realise that it's all over between me and Arun in the dream because he went back and sat to work and did not join me.

And I move away and start crying in deep anguish at the pain of parting. Another woman also cries with me with her hand on my shoulder. Then I woke up.

Well... says a lot. I hope in waking life I don't cry like that. Have had enough anguish.

I'm going out for lunch.

Now to do my kriyas and pray and do yoga.

It's going to be a good day!

Love,

Me.

7.56 am

Truth

When I sit tight, clenching my armour

And then joining them in ablutions

Of blessing all and sundry with rhymes and hymns

There in the dark shadow of the night

My dreams unfettered take flight.

Each day I labour at something,

Something small, something sweet, something profound

As doubts cloud my mind

And sometimes I release my fears.

I walk each day knowing

That all labour bears fruit

And there at His feet

I lay all my tears and gathered soot.

I never tire from treading long

On the path of Justice and Truth

And sometimes there are those

Who trounce me without ruth.

I climb the eternal mountain of joy

Showering my love in rhymes to those who plod

And there just by the pinnacle

I meet an angel

Who picks me up

And delivers me,

Me a sight for all to see,

Journeying through the rhythms of life,

Labouring line by line.

Now that I have reached the top

I simply refuse to stop

And with the angel I soar towards the sun

No more needing to labour, no more to run.

The journey of life is beautiful such

And as you work you gather sweat and dust

And as you age your bones wither and rust

But to aim for the sun is what I must.

As I write this poem I feel relief

Of someone who has strength and belief,

Someone who though just one tiny speck 

Could make one cry with a gigantic peck,

Incorrigible in my pursuit of Truth,

The heart knows its wishes absolute.

title: His leap of faith

He wandered in the thistle and thyme

Not knowing he could harness them

His mind unwaveringly piercing his destination

Beyond logic, beyond hesitation.

He let go off wards of gold lying

By the wayside as wanderers plundered

And he walked with me by his side

Towards his goal unencumbered.

Now and then he broke into playful chatter,

Sometimes he smiled, sometimes he laughed,

Sometimes with a gleam he spoke of his desires

And sometimes he shed tears, assuaging his fears.

His nobility was lion-like,

His leap of faith unbounded,

He seized every opportunity

To get him close to what he wanted.

Sometimes we met by the pools of sorrow

And sometimes we bathed in Champagne

Not knowing what I meant to him

I spurred him on undaunted.

He giggled when he felt threatened

And he laughed when he was scoffed

But more than that he showered love everywhere

And that was not naught, it was oft.

His heart widened as his vision encompassed the world, 

His hands worked tirelessly towards his goal

And lo and behold! One day he called me

And unshielded his creation;

Not even the Almighty could have crafted one

Of such beauty and precision.

And admiring I said to him: "Now what is it that you seek?"

And he said that the road is endless

Smiling from cheek to cheek;

Now day and night he labours

To craft king-like his visions bold

And his dreams he has harnessed

For all the wayside gold he could have sold.

I sometimes tousle his hair,

Teasing him about his past impetuousness

And he snarls lion-like

With another leap of faith.

Title: He aimed for the stars

He aimed for the stars

With not a farthing that he owned,

He had lost it all to impetuousness

And greed and witches and gold.

He sought a little comfort

And that's where I came in,

Giving him my shoulder to cry on

And now and then a soulful kiss.

Not a man in this world has won something

Without before a loss

And sometimes losing everything

To a risky game of pitch and toss.

When the stars were bright in the sky

We lay gazing up hand in hand

And sometimes he did hurt me

Even though he knew where it would land.

I don't know if he was serious

When he gave me one of his playful hugs

But at night when I am dozing

I dreamt of him as my pug.

In the sunshine I sought him,

In the cold we broke bread

Even though he was scared, petrified,

Not knowing where he would tread.

I saw the beauty in his vision

And my heart with no reason,

Scathed a bit but I endured

Casting off for his love all sin

Seeing him as veritable whole.

I knew in my heart that I risked nothing

Actually, myself being one with secret dreams

And pursestrings that could scream

Bloody murder! Bloody curb the streams!

Sometimes I was successful

In making him feel like the whole man

That I saw, sometimes I faltered,

Not knowing which path to follow.

These days as he is winning 

He remembers me well

As the girl who gave him courage

And who would never kiss and tell.

For where a deep respect is sown

There will sprout a tree of life

And poverty is not in what you don't own

And riches don't come to the blind.

There is no victory without imagination,

There is no joy without knowing sorrow,

And today's deep realisations

Pave the foundations for victories tomorrow.

There is not a trial of life

Without being in a ring of fire

And there really can be no hope in this world

Without the tests of our desires.

Today he is smiling like the lanky lad

I knew from my yesteryear

And we both know we would not have made it

Were it not for our fears.

Journal 7.2.2025 5.23 pm A great book

Dear Journal,

I just finished reading Nicole Vignola's Rewire. It's the longest I think I've taken to read a book.

I learnt so many things from her. The best book I've read by a neurobiologist after Robert Sapolsky's A Primate's Memoir-- truly eyeopening.

Today I reflected on the negativity bias. The brain tends to be pessimistic in all and focus on the negatives and ignore the positives.

And of course these days since Arun is my context for everything I thought about all the negative feelings I've felt since we broke up.

But to look at it positively he's there, rock solid, firm. He hasn't stopped talking to me like that.

And of course I love him. That's got to be a huge blessing. That I can still remember his smell and know some day I'll smell him again.

Well.

I had a few clients since morning. I might go out for lunch tomorrow with De Jh. Let's see.

Mashi said Pushpa 2 is shit and I didn't miss anything.

Now I want to start another book. But I should study and write! Well....

Love,

Me.

5.32 pm

Ps: After reading Nicole Vignola's book, I really feel like quitting smoking. It'll come with its downs. But in the long run it will come with umpteen more ups. Right from Ma to Arun they say I won't be able to do it. What is with the naysaying and discouragement! Of course I'll be able to do it... it's possible; so many have quit before me and I'll do it for sure.

Frankly, sometimes I'm feeling a little sad  that Arun called me cheapy. That's what he thinks. He judges me. But I keep telling myself it's not the end of the world. He's been one for naysaying right from the start. He can be a tad discouraging but at the same time he is so loving and loveable so I can look past his flaws and be his friend.

7.32 pm

Journal 7.2.2025 2.47 pm feeling groggy

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling fatigued and groggy. Must be all the thinking I did over the past week or may be it's a cold. I can't seem to stop yawning. I won't get any sleep and so much work needs to be done.

I ate breakfast at Bu's and they really wanted me to sit and watch Pushpa 2 with them.

(Someone just called)

Breaking up with Arun is not an easy feat. Earlier, everytime I've broken up I've moved on so quickly. But Arun is incomparable to the guys gone by. He's far sweeter and I didn't appreciate them the way I appreciate and love him.

But he's married. And it's so complicated.

And he's so cute.

I'm feeling a little bit gloomy like there's a huge force waiting to bring me down. But I just need to do what I have to do and then there'll be the party of life to partake of.

I've done a lot of acting workshops in my life and I've been thinking of doing one acting exercise each day. I should na? Let's see if time permits me today I will.

I'll go meet Mashi in the evening because Mesho is leaving.

Yesterday that P Fakir character told me that all will be well but I seem to be caged and that I am not free. I need clarity and guidance in my life; according to him, I need a guru. Well... now when people have to talk, they say a lot of things. To what should one give credence?

Today as I meditated I did the chakra exercises Bunty had taught me before he left for New Zealand. 

I think I'm a spiritual person, a scientifically minded spiritual person. And I might as well accept it. After meeting Arun the last time and after he called me cheapy my spirits are damp. I'm feeling neglected.

He's not there, he's not there. Well....

All I can really do is prayer.

And all I can really do is hope.

Keeping my fingers crossed that things will unfold well on the personal front.

Love,

Me.

3.10 pm

Journal 7.2.2025 8.31 am dream of reflection

Dear Journal,

I remember dreaming that my reflection was talking to me (in a clear mirror). I don't remember any other details of the dream.

Ma is going to Lonavla. She is on her way.

When I woke up she shouted at me. Then I saw the car going out and I got a chance to bid her goodbye.

I hope today is a much better day than the week gone past. I hope to have a highly productive day today.

I hope Arun is fine and is having good days.

I'm looking forward to Sunday and Monday when I meet some clients.

I am feeling:

Irritable

Determined

Happy and serious at the same time

Hopeful

Loving

I shall chant now and get back to my yoga routine. I hope thoughts of Arun don't crowd my head today. He is my most special.

Love,

Me.

8.37 am

Freedom at last

This feeling is so profound

And I'm by the rocks and I am bound,

Taking a peek into the bright blue sky

I can no more ever tell you a lie;

Deceit anyway I have never owned

And it's like I'm locked in Nature's cage

Far away from the comforts of home,

Seeking the way but I know not what to seek,

Beautifully tucked in and all alone;

Thoughts of the life force without engulf me

And I am comfortable in my quandary

As beings pass by from far and about

They leave me a bit here, a bit there without doubt

And I am not tied, but I am not free,

Can't you see, oh can't you see?

The waves come forth and wash my feet

And I leave all well-wishers a duly signed receipt.

The day of Judgment has come and I've manoeuvred myself out

Of the crags, feeling like a Queen, not a lout

And my voice I use after a dark long day

Of having being held beneath the ocean's sway,

And it's sweet and melodious,

I've left all sin behind,

As someone once attacked,

Someone once tied.

It's a pleasure to enter the holy Garden again

And pluck what fruit as I may,

The freedom is very much divine,

The freedom to write and dance and sometimes rhyme.

Journal 6.2.2025 5.32 pm The fakir

Dear Journal,

I've just kind of got a grip of myself today as my menses have receded. This surprisingly was a rigamarole turmoil. 

I worked today after many days. I have to do my assignment.

Today P the fakir called. Whatever he told me has put me in a state of worry. I won't write the details here but he said he will meet me soon.

I am also so worried about Arun. I want to be there for him to support him however and in the best way that I can. I want to be there for him. But if I call him he will think I'm being too intrusive. I really love this man. Even when my Oxytocin recedes and I'm calm and composed I love him. I care for him very very deeply.

It's not a stupid hormone-ridden kind of love all the time-- it's also love through the pain and the confusion, a kind of selfless love that I have for him, something so deep that I think it's karmic, a promise I made to him a long long time ago that some day I would be born to love him such no matter what and never let him go.

I think it'll all turn out for the best. But I really hope he gets a grip of himself. He's the most talented and intelligent man I know and I know he aims high and big. But I wish he would just face the nitty gritties (I'm sure he is doing that) and find happiness in the small things. He is divine.

Do you know journal what else was divine today? The choco pie Ma got home for me-- that was simply heavenly, it perked me up.

Arun and chocolate, both heavenly.

I think I'll spend some quality time with my family today and I think I will sit and pray.

I've kept my schedule light and easy today so that it's achievable, given how I was feeling.

I think I'll meditate for a bit now and chant.

Also, keeping my fingers crossed-- really want to go for Vipassana.

Also, hope my Tarot clients show up. It's all good. It'll all be good.

I am feeling:

Happy after a long time.

Full of love for Arun and a little worried about him.

Loving in general.

Determined.

Wiser than yesterday.

Sweet.

I don't know whether this P guy is genuine but he was telling me about this Sufi practice that they follow. It seems like a very deep, spiritual, soulful practice. I want to discuss this with Arun but I know he will guffaw at it. I don't mind hanging out for some time with some nice Sufi saints. Might make some nice whirling dervishy female friends there.

Let's see.

It's going to be a good evening. Saturday to Wednesday was a mess. But I'm feeling so much better now.

I really hope Arun is eating well and sleeping well. And I hope in every way I'm able to take care of my loved ones.

This evening better be good. It's going to be super good.

My small wins today:

I did some (a little) yoga

I did my morning yoga kriyas

I attended to Tarot clients to the best of my ability

I did not drink colas

I prayed

And I'm being logical today, not stupidly emotional like I was feeling for the past few days 

Whatever will be will be, yes. But more importantly whatever will be will be for the best.

Kisses and love flying everywhere!

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I have my family and that Mashi and Mesho are here with Miso. I love them. They make up the entire range of my life.

I am grateful for Arun being a part of my life in whatever manner he is there. Small or big way he is there in some way and not lost in the mist of my life and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am grateful for the money that I have.

I am grateful that I have my Buddhist friends and that I practice Buddhism. It makes me whole and the person I am.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for all the healthy, nutritious food I eat.

I am so grateful to Arun that he guided me with my audition yesterday and that we had a light-hearted chat. It kind of anchored me and put things in perspective.

I am grateful for love, life and God's infinite blessings.

Years ago when I had read Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture apart from the essential message of facing death gracefully I learnt one thing from Pausch: No work is too small. Whether you're in the kitchen, or plucking tea and berries or whether you're an imagineer or a silver screen star all work deserves respect because each time some one is benefitting out of it so no work is small. That was a major highlight of the book. It's one of my favourite books.

This day is ending well.

My love and prayers for humanity.

6.14 pm

Journal 6.2.2025 12.56 pm a little upset

Dear Journal,

Frankly, I'm a little upset that Arun called me cheapy yesterday. Does he really think I'm cheap? Does he judge me like that?

This phase of having my Periods has been really tough and I've gone through a lot this time emotionally. It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride and I found myself in tears more than I would have liked.

I love Arun so deeply and I really wish he doesn't judge me. I'm such a common girl, but I know I have a good heart and my heart is for him. Frankly, I don't want to show him my audition clip. I'm so scared of his harsh judgments but at the same time I value his opinion. I know that whatever he tells me will make a difference to me. His criticism is very valuable. I'm an emotional bundle of mess.

All I've been doing since the start of this Period has been thinking about how deeply I love Arun. I really can't live without him. He's such a cute person. I'm still so deeply in love with him and I don't want him to suffer in any way, and especially I don't want him to go through what I'm going through.

Meeting him on Friday must have triggered it.

How does he feel these days in general? And how does he feel about me? What does he think about me? Does he really judge me so harshly.

I really don't take care of myself at all. Not the way other women do. Why am I like this?

I remember when we used to date I used to be so happy, I would bathe and dress up to go meet him. But these days I feel so sad from within I don't even wash my face when he calls me.

I had a few Tarot clients today.

I also applied for a Vipassana course for this month. Let's see. If they take me, I'll be spending my birthday there.

Today I pushed myself to pray and I did a little bit of yoga.

Life is good in many ways. I don't know what I would have done without Ma and Pa. I don't know what I would have done without my Arun and my brother.

Yesterday Ma told me that she thinks I've chosen a very challenging karma to be born with and that my vision must be so huge. She told me that I must pray to not suffer. I must. That's a Mother's love and a Mother's worry. Of course, I'll start taking care of myself.

I have to.

I simply can't do without my support system and I love love love my Arun.

I am feeling emotional.

I am crying.

I am deeply in love.

Love,

Me.

1.15 pm

Journal 6.2.2025 8.46 am a certain kind of fear

Dear Journal,

I don't remember any dream. Pa Go has cancelled again today. Arrgh.

As I was just chanting just now I acknowledged a certain kind of fear in me.

I hope my AT money gets credited into my account soon.

Yesterday Arun guided me to give my audition. And then he kind of teased me a little over messages. I was a little upset for a while after that.

We went to Bu's place yesterday but I left early because I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

There's a little bit of sadness at really loving my Arun and not having him. I have to acknowledge the reality. He's my cutest.

The mind is not so positive right now. What's the reason?

Yesterday I called up that Sufi fakir guy and I paid him a little money. But I don't know I think all this is hogwash. Nevertheless. You never know.

I hope I can have a good day today despite my feelings.

I'll just make myself a cup of coffee and do yoga.

I wish Arun an amazingly great day!

I hope to have a productive day :)

Love,

Ms.

8.54 am

Journal 5.2.2025 8.43 am love

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I met Arun in the evening. I cried a lot sitting there across from him.

The truth is that I've never loved him more. There is a certain kind of solidness in the love I feel for him these days, a certain kind of practical knowing and surety that I won't be seeing any other guy ever again.

I really really want him to pull himself together. I wish he was not harping on death and things like that. Sometimes life is tough but I want my Arun to still be happy amidst the turmoils of life. I know he will pull through fantastically because no one but him can valiantly brace storms. I love him.

Yesterday Mashi took me to this beautiful cafe called Shelter. I have to take Arun there soon! Also its a good place for meetings.

Then Ak Ma was on the road and he came home and he and Mashi spoke for a very long time. Then Arun called and of course I set off to meet him.

I hope Arun calls me like this again in this impromptu fashion. I love it when he says he needs a drop and then drops me home. It's so funny! And so cute! 

Yesterday after weeping there at Bottles, I was all smiles because I got a whiff of my A.

Life is a little troubled but all in all it's good because of my strong support system.

I am so grateful to Arun because he has broadened my view of life. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for him and his love.

I love him.

Love,

Me.

Journal 4.2.2025 8.22 am Cheetah cubs in a dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream with Dr Shinde doing something wrong and people being killed in the dream. People were dying and Pa was there and there were many people to help.

I saw two cheetah cubs on the trunk of a tree and I walked on the trunk and passed the cubs by.

Finally, I think I was trying to escape into a hotel room opening the door with keys.

That's it.

I woke up feeling all anxious.

Now to chant, do yoga.

I have to work today. I have to meet N today.

May this be a good day!

Love,

Me.

Ps: I can't seem to stop thinking about Arun. I hope he is fine. I care so deeply about him. Him being sad makes me very very sad. I really love him. I don't know why I love him so much but I do. I hope today is not like the three days gone by when I've been hormonally challenged. My periods are really difficult these days. I love love love my A. He is the cutest, sweetest guy in the whole world. I hope I can get my mind to pray and my body to do yoga now.

9.02 am

Journal 3.2.2025 7.43 not feeling up to it

Dear Journal,

Since Saturday my schedule has all gone awry. I think it's because of my Periods. Today I spent all the time on my phone on social media and I thought a lot about Arun. I haven't been utilising my time to the best.

Then in the evening I met C. I don't know but he isn't up to it. He is a little blank, a little daft. Also, he seems to be a time waster just allowing life to drift by. And then he held my hand in a manner that I literally ended the meeting. I don't seem to meet any decent men. All men seem to want just one thing from me. (And I meet them only for work but they castigate work out of the window.)

Two men literally call me up every other day at odd hours of the night repeatedly. And this has been happening for a very long time. They send me desperate messages. And of course I ignore them. There seem to be no quality men left. And what is with the indecency?

 Except my Arun. I should not complain about him. He is my archangel. I love him and value him. He is my sunshine, he is my rainbow in a gloomy sky.

Then Sa Li called and he was all complaints about everyone in his life. He is really very critical and I think a tad selfish. Well, that's just my opinion.

And I hung up the phone because I'm cooking dinner today.

I think so negatively about Ma, Pa, Buro and Arun, especially when I have my Periods. I should be grateful for this strong support system of worthy people that God has blessed me with. I must not be selfish. I can't complain so much. I should not.

All day long I thought about my sweetest heart. And I wish we were more than just friends. I wish it was alright for me to dial his number today and ask him what he ate and whether he slept well and how his party was. I so deeply love him. And I so ardently worship him and my parents and dote on my brother.

I hope Chotto likes the shirt I've got him for his birthday. I hope I can get Arun a nice shirt for his birthday this year. Does Arun like Cotton World? Does he appreciate the shirts I've got him? If he doesn't I hope I can get him a shirt from somewhere else, a place he likes.

I wonder how he is, whether he met some interesting people yesterday, some interesting girl may be?.... Did he have a good time?

I've been meaning to write my goals and script my plans but I've been so dimaag fried.

I'm frying chicken, and cooking a mushroom salad and a tomato soup to be served with bread and butter today. I hope Ma and Pa like it. I'm not going to meet Mashi today. I do love Mashi. I should look past her flaws, accept her and cherish her for the many ways she brings love into my life.

Today after meeting this C guy and talking to Sa Li I realise that I should be so grateful. God has blessed me with people like Arun, Ma and Pa who understand me. And even though Arun and I are just friends today I'm so so so grateful that he is a part of my life. I'll always remain devoted to him but may be I won't tell him that. I'll be his secret lover and admirer.

I'm feeling so emotional.

Social media is not good, not that much at least.

Now to fix dinner and sleep early.

Love,

Me.

8.07 pm

Journal 3.2.2025 12.04 pm Hatred vs Love

Dear Journal,

"When hatred and jealousy abound against the Buddha while he is living how much more so after his passing." -- Nichiren Daishonin

The Buddha spoke about hatred and jealousy. It's a natural occurrence in life. But the Buddha said that harbouring hatred and jealousy is like holding a hot coal in your hand.

I feel that despite having so much love in my life there are people who resent me and hate me. I've been feeling that way for a few days now. PM for example. I know she doesn't feel good about me.

But the force of hatred can only be quelled and extinguished with the treasures of love.

That is where my thoughts are today.

I remembered late in the evening that yesterday being Sunday Arun was at his glitzy, glamorous party where he was supposed to meet srk. I'm sure he charmed his way into people's hearts like he always does. And I hope he had a great time. 

I thought a lot about him all evening. He's my most precious.

Well, I love my Arun.

My own feelings need direction, my own head that is feeling whoosy needs grounding, my feet need to tread on love and my hands need to do the work of love and I need to focus as opposed to how the last two days have been.

I woke up rather late today and I know that today will be a great day.

I love communicating with God and I feel the force of God's blessings and love. Life is good and life will be good.

I hope Arun is happy.

Love,

Me.

12.17 pm

Journal 2.2.2025 9.52 am dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up rather late today (just a bit back). I think my brain has processed all the negative emotions from yesterday as I slept and I'm sure my moodiness was due to my Period.

I had a dream where I first remember being serenaded by many artistes who work in the film industry; some were singing, some dancing, some spoke to me like in a clowning gala or as if like these artistes were all some kind of archangels kind of inviting me to join them.

Then I saw Arun in the dream where he told me that he had been in a hospital for doing drugs and was getting treated by some female doctor and then he told me that but the doctor had admitted him on a fake liver racket.

Then I saw myself in the last year in school where I've become very serious and stopped showing an interest in men and other boys because of Arun in my life. I also thought about how my public image is because I dated Arun openly a few years back in school in the dream.

Then I woke up.

Well that says a lot... nice dream.

Today is Saraswati Pujo. I'll wear something nice. We will have bhog.

I hope to have an excellent day!

Love,

Me.

10.01 am

Journal 1.2.2025 9.21 pm Decisions and confusion

Dear Journal,

I got my Period today and didn't chant or do yoga. I went for the bbc party. It was so much fun.

I met famous people, illustrious people and all people who've made a mark in society in some indelible way and I was full of ideas.

I thought a lot about Arun wishing that he too gets to meet people like this in the days to come.

It was a pleasure being there!

I don't know if it's my period (It must be) but ever since I got back I've been harbouring certain kind of thoughts in my head.

Firstly, in the morning and through the day I was very pained that Arun was so sad and was crying yesterday. What was he sad about?

Ever since we broke up everytime we've spoken and met, Arun has told me he has moved on and I should to, that he doesn't love me anymore amidst saying he loves me (at the same time).

What does he expect of me? What does he want from me? If he tells me I'll give it to him. But I don't want to fight with him after asking him because that will open up a whole can of worms. He keeps reiterating we are not together when we meet. Then what does he want me to do? What does he expect? And what made him so sad yesterday? I have never ever seen him so sad. And it makes me want to cry.

I really don't want to see him sad and hurt. It worries me. He's too special and too precious for me. And besides I don't want to be the one to hurt him.

To love someone (long term) is a decision, to be true to someone is a decision, to be committed is a decision and to move on is a decision.

Arun gave me the impression ever since we broke up that he's decided to not love me, to not be true to me, to not be committed to me and to move on. What does he want me to do?

After we fought the last time at qd I've been left confused.

I'll always love him, I know that. But the future is unclear and confusing. I don't know what's his fate and what's my fate. I don't know what destiny has in store for me.

But one thing I know for sure is that I'll always ALWAYS love him deeply. I hold back a lot these days from expressing my love for him because I'm so scared I'll get hurt. Because I've been hurt. But sacrifice is the nature of love and life and I'm not complaining.

The bbc party got over very late and then I went to Bu's house to eat Chinese.

I am pissed off with Ma and C Mashi (and I know I'm feeling this way because of my hormones).

The other day when I was talking to Mashi, Konu called. They were on the phone for a very long time. Amongst many other things they spoke about, they bitched a lot about Eshna and S Mashi.

Now Eshna never talks behind anybody's back. She doesn't play politics in the family. She is a good girl who is extremely beautiful and she works hard. She's a little obnoxious but that's so light-hearted. She's honest and forthright.

I was really hurt to see C Mashi and Koena talk this way about her. They are so ungrateful to her.

It's just like when Ma bitches and complains about me to Buro and Pa and spews venom. All her Buddhism is relegated to the dustbin when it comes to me ever since I was born. It's been like this forever. She colours people's minds against me. And Arun is also just the same like them. I wish Ma was a little more grateful. She and C Mashi are so bitchy. And I know they talk ill about both Eshna and me behind our backs. 

I know Arun has said and says unkind things about me to everybody. And I know in his own way he harbours unreasonable grudges just like Ma has always been with me.

I believe in karma. And I believe in the power of common sense. I believe in destiny and I believe one can create one's destiny.

It's easy for me to judge other people's karma, common sense and destiny as I feel hurt by them but let me rely on my own.

And chart the road ahead. May I be able to forgive and transform my relationships for the better towards a bright bright future.

It's no point harbouring hurt.

I don't know what I would have done without you dear journal.

Politics must be the nature of relationships. May I have the wisdom and the gratitude and the good sense to have better relationships.

Love,

Me.

9.55 pm

Ps: Bitching and talking behind the back is the point at which relationships break down. And if you are choosing to bitch and bear grudges don't complain when the relationship breaks down. That's the karma you've created. Koena plays a lot of politics. Not happy with that. I can foresee that Eshna is going to have a lot of problems with Mashi and Koena going forward and it's not her fault. Not once have I ever heard her say ungrateful things about them. This is really not cool to colour someone's image and be so uncompassionate right from when Eshna was so small. Is it because she is so beautiful and so intelligent? I don't know. Why are Mashi and Ma so harsh and bitchy? Dimma was never like that. Not cool. Not cool at all....

10.43 pm

Ps: Pa just shouted at me again and called me rude for something normal I said to him. I can't take it, not with my hormones. I can't take Arun playing with my love and my heart. I don't want so much pain in my life. I didn't really do anything wrong. Not to any of them. If I've ever said anything, or ever got angry it's just to protect myself and my heart because my heart means well. But I find that the people who are close to me are so bitter and bear so many grudges towards me for no fault of mine. I feel so alone, like I have no one to talk to, no one to depend on. And I know that if I talk to a friend they won't be reliable giving me their own judgments. I'll rely on myself and I have to transform my heart and my relationships. Despite having a good day, Pa has yet again put such a shockingly bad end to my day. I don't feel like chanting. What Buddhism are they practising really? And I'm very very upset right now. Why has Arun been like this with me? I'm so sad... I'm crying... I hope tomorrow is a much better day....

11.11 pm

Ps: I know Arun will go around with some other girl because those are his values. He shouldn't be kissing me when he has broken up with me and can't accept me just the way my family can't accept me. He shouldn't be kissing me or even meeting me. He could never be true to anyone. He doesn't believe in being true. And I should really really get over him but it's so hard. It's the most difficult and painful thing in the whole world. If he doesn't love me why does he meet me? And why does he kiss me? I know my self worth doesn't depend on him but I feel so unbeautiful these days, I feel so unloved and I'm feeling so unloved right now. If he can't accept me, saying I have a mental health problem, he should stop talking to me. He shouldn't reply to my messages. I'm so sad right now. I'm so distraught. Why does Pa keep shouting at me these days? Every girl in Arun's life that he talks and has ever talked about it turns out is some ex-girlfriend of his. He's such a Casanova who hurts women. And he's hurt me very badly....