I've just kind of got a grip of myself today as my menses have receded. This surprisingly was a rigamarole turmoil.
I worked today after many days. I have to do my assignment.
Today P the fakir called. Whatever he told me has put me in a state of worry. I won't write the details here but he said he will meet me soon.
I am also so worried about Arun. I want to be there for him to support him however and in the best way that I can. I want to be there for him. But if I call him he will think I'm being too intrusive. I really love this man. Even when my Oxytocin recedes and I'm calm and composed I love him. I care for him very very deeply.
It's not a stupid hormone-ridden kind of love all the time-- it's also love through the pain and the confusion, a kind of selfless love that I have for him, something so deep that I think it's karmic, a promise I made to him a long long time ago that some day I would be born to love him such no matter what and never let him go.
I think it'll all turn out for the best. But I really hope he gets a grip of himself. He's the most talented and intelligent man I know and I know he aims high and big. But I wish he would just face the nitty gritties (I'm sure he is doing that) and find happiness in the small things. He is divine.
Do you know journal what else was divine today? The choco pie Ma got home for me-- that was simply heavenly, it perked me up.
Arun and chocolate, both heavenly.
I think I'll spend some quality time with my family today and I think I will sit and pray.
I've kept my schedule light and easy today so that it's achievable, given how I was feeling.
I think I'll meditate for a bit now and chant.
Also, keeping my fingers crossed-- really want to go for Vipassana.
Also, hope my Tarot clients show up. It's all good. It'll all be good.
I am feeling:
Happy after a long time.
Full of love for Arun and a little worried about him.
Loving in general.
Determined.
Wiser than yesterday.
Sweet.
I don't know whether this P guy is genuine but he was telling me about this Sufi practice that they follow. It seems like a very deep, spiritual, soulful practice. I want to discuss this with Arun but I know he will guffaw at it. I don't mind hanging out for some time with some nice Sufi saints. Might make some nice whirling dervishy female friends there.
Let's see.
It's going to be a good evening. Saturday to Wednesday was a mess. But I'm feeling so much better now.
I really hope Arun is eating well and sleeping well. And I hope in every way I'm able to take care of my loved ones.
This evening better be good. It's going to be super good.
My small wins today:
I did some (a little) yoga
I did my morning yoga kriyas
I attended to Tarot clients to the best of my ability
I did not drink colas
I prayed
And I'm being logical today, not stupidly emotional like I was feeling for the past few days
Whatever will be will be, yes. But more importantly whatever will be will be for the best.
Kisses and love flying everywhere!
Love,
Me.
I am grateful that I have my family and that Mashi and Mesho are here with Miso. I love them. They make up the entire range of my life.
I am grateful for Arun being a part of my life in whatever manner he is there. Small or big way he is there in some way and not lost in the mist of my life and for that I am eternally grateful.
I am grateful for the money that I have.
I am grateful that I have my Buddhist friends and that I practice Buddhism. It makes me whole and the person I am.
I am grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for all the healthy, nutritious food I eat.
I am so grateful to Arun that he guided me with my audition yesterday and that we had a light-hearted chat. It kind of anchored me and put things in perspective.
I am grateful for love, life and God's infinite blessings.
Years ago when I had read Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture apart from the essential message of facing death gracefully I learnt one thing from Pausch: No work is too small. Whether you're in the kitchen, or plucking tea and berries or whether you're an imagineer or a silver screen star all work deserves respect because each time some one is benefitting out of it so no work is small. That was a major highlight of the book. It's one of my favourite books.
This day is ending well.
My love and prayers for humanity.
6.14 pm
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