I love reading James Allen. He writes that accusing others of selfishness breeds unpeace. If you understand others that's the beginning of serenity. That is so profound!
Today I met De Jh for lunch and spent a considerable amount of time with him.
We discussed spirituality, work and delved in Astrology. Lunch was great, the conversation was even better and he's such a good guy, really. Such a helpful sort of chap. And he's so encouraging and logical. I really value his friendship and his business sense. And he's genuinely a nice sort of guy.
He left rather late.
Then Sa Li called and we spoke for a long time. He's having a lot of relationship trouble. He's finding it difficult to forgive his ailing father.
I sent Ma a heartfelt message. She is having a gala time with her friends. Today I actively prayed to forgive those who have caused me pain. And that was a release.
I spent my entire Saturday socialising and I really didn't work at all. In my free time I read James Allen. He is one of my favourite philosophers and he teaches me so much. He is to be read and reread again and again.
De Jh gifted me a beautiful laptop bag with dates and chocolates. So sweet of him.
Miso had a seizure yesterday and was bleeding a lot. He's going through so much pain. Poor Bachcha. It's difficult to see.
I think I'll just chant, eat dinner and walk to meet Mashi. She is so troubled without Bubul Mesho here.
In other news, despite the blockages life is good. I'm walking, I'm not running yet and I will reach my destination.
I love James Allen.
Love,
Me.
8.08 pm
Ps: Today as I was meditating I realised that a big part of loving Arun was in seeking his approval. All his appreciation, praise, positive reinforcement really instilled a desire in me to take care of myself and be better-- he was and is something I needed. I always felt sad when that approval was denied to me and I cribbed a lot and complained. That was rather selfish of me. I'm sure he also loved the approval he got from me. I still love him a lot. He always says that he has a lot of expectations from me. Now the next time I must remember to not sit silent and ask him what those expectations are so that I can strive to meet them. I'm sure he's moved on and there's a little void in my life created by this silent distance but in that space I am growing, aiming for the sun. If not for his arrival in my life I would not have been the person I am today, I would not have had the vision and view of life that I have today and for that I am eternally grateful to him. I don't really think there's anyway for me to express to him just how he shaped my view of things. He brought about so much growth in me. Most importantly, the depth of love I felt for him was a visceral act of falling in love with him. Everyone should experience such a real feeling at least once in their lives and everyone should experience a partner as loving as Arun was in their lives. It's a necessity for growth and for evolution. I must always remember and keep reminding myself that he is married and has responsibilities that he needs to fulfil. As my boyfriend he has been simply the best. May be I was not that great a girlfriend. May be i didn't quite meet his high expectations. And i really need to know what is it that he expects from me so that i am clear. As his friend may I do better and I hope to keep striving in my relationships.
Even Ma does so much, Buro goes out of his way to love me and Pa is just so selfless and at the slightest hint of criticism and denial of approval I start moping and feeling unhappy. I must take criticism more constructively. I'm sure all will be well. I'm sure all will be well with all.
The mosquitoes are swarming about and I am contemplative.
I will eat my dinner, read a bit and dose off.
May I sleep well tonight and may I see sweet dreams.
Love,
Me.
9.14 pm
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