Frankly, I'm a little upset that Arun called me cheapy yesterday. Does he really think I'm cheap? Does he judge me like that?
This phase of having my Periods has been really tough and I've gone through a lot this time emotionally. It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride and I found myself in tears more than I would have liked.
I love Arun so deeply and I really wish he doesn't judge me. I'm such a common girl, but I know I have a good heart and my heart is for him. Frankly, I don't want to show him my audition clip. I'm so scared of his harsh judgments but at the same time I value his opinion. I know that whatever he tells me will make a difference to me. His criticism is very valuable. I'm an emotional bundle of mess.
All I've been doing since the start of this Period has been thinking about how deeply I love Arun. I really can't live without him. He's such a cute person. I'm still so deeply in love with him and I don't want him to suffer in any way, and especially I don't want him to go through what I'm going through.
Meeting him on Friday must have triggered it.
How does he feel these days in general? And how does he feel about me? What does he think about me? Does he really judge me so harshly.
I really don't take care of myself at all. Not the way other women do. Why am I like this?
I remember when we used to date I used to be so happy, I would bathe and dress up to go meet him. But these days I feel so sad from within I don't even wash my face when he calls me.
I had a few Tarot clients today.
I also applied for a Vipassana course for this month. Let's see. If they take me, I'll be spending my birthday there.
Today I pushed myself to pray and I did a little bit of yoga.
Life is good in many ways. I don't know what I would have done without Ma and Pa. I don't know what I would have done without my Arun and my brother.
Yesterday Ma told me that she thinks I've chosen a very challenging karma to be born with and that my vision must be so huge. She told me that I must pray to not suffer. I must. That's a Mother's love and a Mother's worry. Of course, I'll start taking care of myself.
I have to.
I simply can't do without my support system and I love love love my Arun.
I am feeling emotional.
I am crying.
I am deeply in love.
Love,
Me.
1.15 pm
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