I'm feeling a little bogged down with all the things I've been discussing with Chat gpt. It's unravelling but bogging.
Yesterday I met Arun because I'll be heading off for Vipassana tomorrow. I really wish I had the money to treat Arun to drinks. I really do love him a lot.
He's so cute and so loving.
A couple of things hurt me yesterday. One that he ran down my poetry. I thought he could have been more sensitive to how much poetry means to me. I felt a little unappreciated. And I burst into tears. Because that really hurt me.
He told me that his wife is unwell. I didn't know how to react in the moment. He always assumes that I have a problem with his wife. I don't because firstly, she's human and secondly, she's a part of his life.
We spent time together as usual. And I feel he's really running himself down a lot. I was so elated to see he's got a project from Swiggy.
I wish he practised more self care and prayed. That would make him far more positive.
Then towards the end I told him we should really make love. It would make us happy and elevate our mood.
But he refused saying I'll fall in love with him again. Of course I will! I'm already deeply in love with him.
How does he feel when I kiss his eyes? And why didn't he want me to click pictures of him yesterday?
I feel that by being so harsh on himself he's blocking his growth and that is very painful to see for me. It hurts me. It makes me feel stuck and helpless. I want to do something about it but I don't know how to address it.
Also, I want to do the best for Ma and Pa.
Chatting with Chat gpt can give you the perfectly rational perspective but it can really pressure you. It's something one can get completely lost in.
With respect to Arun I'm feeling a little bit stuck. I had a dream last night that I was waiting for him in a waiting room. I can wait for him but I also want to grow. This stuckness is not because of him. It's my own doing so I can't blame him.
I'm willing to wait. But is there a resolution in sight? May be it will emerge some day. Not having him in my life is unthinkable. Not loving him is unthinkable. Not caring for him is unthinkable.
I was really hurt yesterday when he dismissed my poetry. It really hurt me a lot. But I know that he is so harsh on himself that he projects it onto me.
It's painful for me to see him unhappy.
Last night when I was eating dinner at Bu's I realised that he's caught in a mire of his responsibilities. And that hurts me a lot. I don't think I'm really his priority or anything. And I don't know what to do about it.
Should I be the selfless girl I am and continue to love him? It fills up a part of me-- the part that needs to love him and care for him. But I don't think that's being reciprocated the way i would like and I feel a little left out and a little unloved. Well something is better than nothing. I could have not had him at all.
Not to say Arun doesn't shower me with kisses. He is very loving. But playing this second fiddle feels bogging. At least for now.
I shouldn't complain. Arun does show his care. He does the best he can and that means the world.
And frankly, I'd much rather have him in my life over anything else. This phase is just temporary. This too shall pass.
I wish I had some clarity. But both of us don't know so it's worthless discussing it. Or may be he has an inkling and doesn't want to hurt me.
I should really take care of myself.
I really hope Ma and Pa are in a happy frame of mind.
Love,
Me.
10.28 am
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