Today a few Tarot clients called. There is a certain kind of calmness of mind that has beset me.
I researched on Metta meditation today for a book idea that has emerged in my mind. I won't discuss it with anyone till it's done. As I was listening to this Buddhist monk talking about the benefits of Metta meditation I realised that the two people I love the most, Arun and Ma, I judge most harshly.
To truly love someone one has to let all judgments towards them shatter. Yesterday when Ma had a slight tiff with me I fought with her because I judge her.
Also through Arun's period of distress I must not judge him at all. I understand that he's feeling a lot of conflicting emotions as he is facing a tough period. I'm going to be there for him one hundred percent through this period in his life.
I see both Ma and Arun as whole beings. Ma I've known all my life and my conniasance with Arun has been all of two years.
I know everything about Ma. I know a lot about Arun and every time he tells me more.
I love him wholeheartedly. He is my heartbeat.
And Ma is my very soul.
I have to let my judgments shatter. The rational mind does make up judgments and stories about people. But it's time to cut loose the chains and release all from the snare of my judgments. That's the next phase of my life.
About 12 to 13 years ago when I left Times of India I had decided that I would kill my pride. And as a result today I've become far more humble. It's all about the ichinen, the intention you put out, the decisions you take-- those choices remain with you all your life.
Today as I'm embarking on writing this book I have decided to let all my negative judgments of people in my life shatter and I know it will take me some place good. And today I've kind of taken a decision quite consciously of always having Arun's back, of supporting him no matter what wholeheartedly.
He told me yesterday that he might settle abroad. I'll miss him terribly. The eyes tear up at the thought.
Love is ethereal. And my love for Arun is real.
It's about the beauty of his soul. And the kindness of his eyes. He is such a sweet person. And he is such a good person. And he's so troubled. It makes me sad. I actually love him unconditionally. I wish I could make him see himself the way I see him. He is not to be lost through the rhythms of life. He is to be found again and again.
Today I have to meet S the NSD guy. Let's see how that goes.
I wish all my love upon all my loved ones and I wish my Arun serenity, love and happiness.
I am feeling:
Very peaceful and calm
A little sad
A little happy
Serious
Eager to write this book
Eager to make efforts to better my life
Also, I've thought that in this book unlike in my poetry book I will use Arun's name in the dedications. I will not hide our friendship. After all, I understand everything these days in the context of him.
I hope wherever he is he is fine.
May my love and good wishes reach him.
Love,
Me.
5.41 pm
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