I utilised Chat gpt to the fullest in the past few days. I met Ga Mo today and went for my play rehearsals. Things hang by the balance with me in all aspects of my life. There is uncertainty and it calls for me to be proactive and decisive.
As always my mind has been dwelling completely on Arun. He's going through a troubling phase in his life. Yesterday he told me his wife is very unwell and now I understand his added angst.
I think given that he told me that may be I should not have broached the topic of making love. I don't think he really understands me or even makes an attempt to understand me. But which guy would help me blow my nose when I am in tears? And who is quite as loving and loveable?
There is a great distance between us. And he has not chosen me and that hurts.
When I told him I had been raped earlier I don't think he gave it full credence and I don't think with his values he would ever understand the pain and the trauma. He's told me that women never get raped. That is such a twisted heartless view of countless women who are violated by men all over the world.
His dismissal of my interests like writing poetry show that he does not value me at all.
His harsh judgments and criticisms are scathing. Gulzar is not the only writer in the whole world!
What pains me the maximum is his harsh judgment of himself. Constantly calling himself a bad person and calling himself shallow will stunt him and won't allow him to grow the way he wants. He said yesterday that he doesn't want to take medicines but he would definitely benefit from talking to an expert about his views about himself and all the troubles he is facing.
I of course will do the best I can for him always.
But there's such a distance-- this great emotional distance.
Why does he kiss me publicly? It makes me so conscious given that he has made it clear that there is no future between us. And why did he date me? And if he takes his responsibilities towards his wife so seriously why does he cheat on her?
And how come he has no platonic female friends? And how does he keep all his exes so close? There are definitely romantic entanglements there.
People are not perfect, I am quite aware of this fact of life. And everybody is shaped a certain way.
I definitely do something wrong that people walk all over me and take advantage of me.
I feel like I have noone to talk to. I don't think Arun understands my problems. And I think I couldn't talk to anyone I know.
I'll call Arun up tomorrow because I told him I would but I might as well not.
I actually don't want him to come for my play at all. He would not appreciate me because he doesn't appreciate me for the things that matter most. Beautiful is not the only thing a woman can be.
May be I'm being very negative about him today. I'm so hurt by the way things are and that makes me unhappy. I don't think I did wrong by loving Arun. I enjoyed a very beautiful memorable relationship and he will always be most dearest to my heart.
I think yesterday he cut himself off and stopped himself from saying something like I'm after his money. He is so stupid. He doesn't know me at all!
And I don't think he really understands my feelings for him. It's difficult. With his issues with loyalty and his dishonesty it's also difficult to trust him. But despite that I know because I've seen it that his heart is most beautiful.
And I don't know where I'm headed or that if it's really true that our friendship will last a lifetime.
It's nice to fall in love. And it's lovely to be loved by someone like Arun.
If we were still dating I would have explained to him that all the ego barriers are back up in my heart but I still love him and I'm willing to give us a chance.
But the thing is that he is not my boyfriend anymore. I feel like he has taken advantage of my love for him. And I feel like he's taken advantage of all the women he's ever been with including his wife. Women love wholeheartedly. Of course there are all sorts of women too with different mindscapes. Well I wish Arun had chosen me. But he hasn't.
I still love him.
I'm so happy my Vipassana is starting tomorrow. It will allow me to gain further perspective. May be I should distance myself too and get some space from him. To grow, to thrive, to live. Because I have nobody and life has become lonely.
Love,
Me.
11.36 pm
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