I got my Period today and didn't chant or do yoga. I went for the bbc party. It was so much fun.
I met famous people, illustrious people and all people who've made a mark in society in some indelible way and I was full of ideas.
I thought a lot about Arun wishing that he too gets to meet people like this in the days to come.
It was a pleasure being there!
I don't know if it's my period (It must be) but ever since I got back I've been harbouring certain kind of thoughts in my head.
Firstly, in the morning and through the day I was very pained that Arun was so sad and was crying yesterday. What was he sad about?
Ever since we broke up everytime we've spoken and met, Arun has told me he has moved on and I should to, that he doesn't love me anymore amidst saying he loves me (at the same time).
What does he expect of me? What does he want from me? If he tells me I'll give it to him. But I don't want to fight with him after asking him because that will open up a whole can of worms. He keeps reiterating we are not together when we meet. Then what does he want me to do? What does he expect? And what made him so sad yesterday? I have never ever seen him so sad. And it makes me want to cry.
I really don't want to see him sad and hurt. It worries me. He's too special and too precious for me. And besides I don't want to be the one to hurt him.
To love someone (long term) is a decision, to be true to someone is a decision, to be committed is a decision and to move on is a decision.
Arun gave me the impression ever since we broke up that he's decided to not love me, to not be true to me, to not be committed to me and to move on. What does he want me to do?
After we fought the last time at qd I've been left confused.
I'll always love him, I know that. But the future is unclear and confusing. I don't know what's his fate and what's my fate. I don't know what destiny has in store for me.
But one thing I know for sure is that I'll always ALWAYS love him deeply. I hold back a lot these days from expressing my love for him because I'm so scared I'll get hurt. Because I've been hurt. But sacrifice is the nature of love and life and I'm not complaining.
The bbc party got over very late and then I went to Bu's house to eat Chinese.
I am pissed off with Ma and C Mashi (and I know I'm feeling this way because of my hormones).
The other day when I was talking to Mashi, Konu called. They were on the phone for a very long time. Amongst many other things they spoke about, they bitched a lot about Eshna and S Mashi.
Now Eshna never talks behind anybody's back. She doesn't play politics in the family. She is a good girl who is extremely beautiful and she works hard. She's a little obnoxious but that's so light-hearted. She's honest and forthright.
I was really hurt to see C Mashi and Koena talk this way about her. They are so ungrateful to her.
It's just like when Ma bitches and complains about me to Buro and Pa and spews venom. All her Buddhism is relegated to the dustbin when it comes to me ever since I was born. It's been like this forever. She colours people's minds against me. And Arun is also just the same like them. I wish Ma was a little more grateful. She and C Mashi are so bitchy. And I know they talk ill about both Eshna and me behind our backs.
I know Arun has said and says unkind things about me to everybody. And I know in his own way he harbours unreasonable grudges just like Ma has always been with me.
I believe in karma. And I believe in the power of common sense. I believe in destiny and I believe one can create one's destiny.
It's easy for me to judge other people's karma, common sense and destiny as I feel hurt by them but let me rely on my own.
And chart the road ahead. May I be able to forgive and transform my relationships for the better towards a bright bright future.
It's no point harbouring hurt.
I don't know what I would have done without you dear journal.
Politics must be the nature of relationships. May I have the wisdom and the gratitude and the good sense to have better relationships.
Love,
Me.
9.55 pm
Ps: Bitching and talking behind the back is the point at which relationships break down. And if you are choosing to bitch and bear grudges don't complain when the relationship breaks down. That's the karma you've created. Koena plays a lot of politics. Not happy with that. I can foresee that Eshna is going to have a lot of problems with Mashi and Koena going forward and it's not her fault. Not once have I ever heard her say ungrateful things about them. This is really not cool to colour someone's image and be so uncompassionate right from when Eshna was so small. Is it because she is so beautiful and so intelligent? I don't know. Why are Mashi and Ma so harsh and bitchy? Dimma was never like that. Not cool. Not cool at all....
10.43 pm
Ps: Pa just shouted at me again and called me rude for something normal I said to him. I can't take it, not with my hormones. I can't take Arun playing with my love and my heart. I don't want so much pain in my life. I didn't really do anything wrong. Not to any of them. If I've ever said anything, or ever got angry it's just to protect myself and my heart because my heart means well. But I find that the people who are close to me are so bitter and bear so many grudges towards me for no fault of mine. I feel so alone, like I have no one to talk to, no one to depend on. And I know that if I talk to a friend they won't be reliable giving me their own judgments. I'll rely on myself and I have to transform my heart and my relationships. Despite having a good day, Pa has yet again put such a shockingly bad end to my day. I don't feel like chanting. What Buddhism are they practising really? And I'm very very upset right now. Why has Arun been like this with me? I'm so sad... I'm crying... I hope tomorrow is a much better day....
11.11 pm
Ps: I know Arun will go around with some other girl because those are his values. He shouldn't be kissing me when he has broken up with me and can't accept me just the way my family can't accept me. He shouldn't be kissing me or even meeting me. He could never be true to anyone. He doesn't believe in being true. And I should really really get over him but it's so hard. It's the most difficult and painful thing in the whole world. If he doesn't love me why does he meet me? And why does he kiss me? I know my self worth doesn't depend on him but I feel so unbeautiful these days, I feel so unloved and I'm feeling so unloved right now. If he can't accept me, saying I have a mental health problem, he should stop talking to me. He shouldn't reply to my messages. I'm so sad right now. I'm so distraught. Why does Pa keep shouting at me these days? Every girl in Arun's life that he talks and has ever talked about it turns out is some ex-girlfriend of his. He's such a Casanova who hurts women. And he's hurt me very badly....
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