Journal 31.5.2024 6.17 pm Friday

Dearest Journal,

I just collected my ttc certificate by the Yoga Institute, handed to me by Hansa Ma. As she was giving me the certificate she told me: "You are a very sweet girl." That made my day.

I have been feeling quite low for quite some time now. And plus, today is the first day of my periods.

I deleted a bunch of messages sent to Arun because I think he will never do anything for me. I don't think I can expect anything from him.

Why am I feeling like this?

All I really have in this whole wide world is myself. I have a fantastic family, that's true. And I hope to be able to rise out of this mental state. I can't depend on anybody.

Stephen Covey talks about being interdependent. And I hope before that I can emancipate myself.

It was nice to meet my friends again and to catch up with them.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Love,

Me.

If you forget me

By Doel Sengupta

For all the metals and wreaths

The Earth is adorned with,

For all the bouquets and soft sands

As long as you will have me

By you I will stand.

But some day if your memory ceases

Or ages day by day

In your heart you will find

My love still exists

To be held through new forays.

If little by little if you so desire

To let the flame burn afire,

Or if bit by bit you recede

Into the Ocean of life

There you will find my love and me.

If some day when I hold your hand

Your eyes glazed refuse to know

In those blessed lands

There working hard I will sow

The seeds where my love will grow.

If tomorrow you tell me squarely

That nothing doing, it is done

I would hold your hand

Upon my heart

For then only love is fun.

And then when the dawn breaks

Unto another realm of the Universe

I would flight my love there for you

As flighty, as swift

As any wise flying bird.

As the sands of time go on I'm sure

You'll seek better things of me

And may be something more,

Even in then your arid heart

There I would let my love show.

Through the pithy pits of hell,

Through the chiming bells of a churchyard,

Through the typhoons of turbulent times

And the the pleasant blossoms of Spring

I tell you my love would last.

May be

May be I need to balance

And find that level-headedness

That will be the fulcrum

Of my redness.

May be I need trueness

And a clasping of my hands

So that I may not tether nor fall,

May be I need to lance.

May be all we seek

Is a tightrope walk

And there is no use being meek

And leading with all the talk.

May be life needs joy

More, and not wounds sore,

Or may be I need healing

Through the telling of drolly lore.

May be I need you,

May be I need love in my eyes,

May be I need to see more

Different slices of life.

May be I should bow more

In reverence of the storm,

May be I need to learn to balance,

For which I need both smiles and frowns.

And may be I need more bonhomie

And may be a heart that feels all,

And may be I need conversation

Deep spruced up with some jokes.

May be when you read this

You feel I must have lost my mind,

May be all I need is poetry

So that balance I can find.

And may be you will tell me

What caused the stoppage first

So that I can mend the leak,

Ensure smooth flow and prevent a burst. 

Renewal

This old love needs renewal

For once the stars lit the heart

As the love of many lovers

Merged as one aimed as a dart.

Forgiveness is easy

As breezy as breezy could be

But in this life this love

May quite rightly go unbeseeched.

Beauty is in longing

Love is in belonging

But even though not belonged

There is a desire to be longed.

When I reach the mountaintop

All green and windy and full

I'll refuse to stop

Whether you push or pull.

I'll go on loving just the same

Sunbathed and moondrowned,

For when was the last time

You heard words such as this spoken aloud?

And in the crest of time

There will be many poesies

For the attention seeks a vision

For a life that is lit

With old coal

And many cooing shoals

That swim around in schools like these

Where letters such as these are to be wrote.

shoes for dad

Father, can you not wear my head

For your shoes

So that I may ease my woes

And reverentially bow

All the time

All the time

All the time

Blessed to lay at your feet

All the fortunes I seek,

Could you bear to have my sweet head

As your shoes instead?

pearls of tears

I will adorn your neck sweet mother

With pearl drops of my tears

Where you once held me tight

To assuage all my fears.

I seek oh dear mother

Only your tender grace

As I collect these trickles

To see a smile on your face.

Be not troubled oh dear mother

For the road is long ahead,

Carry my blubbers in your palms

And I'll sew with thread

These pearls instead

And adorn your beautiful heart.

Hope upon hope

The sod is set securely

Where the weed must not grow,

Water drops on it carefully

So that a rose bush would there show.

Everything prepared, everything right

But upon a hilly terrain it resides

Where brambles once

Caged the soil

And wildflowers

Gathered unannounced

On that land

The hand

Wants blooming rich flowers to grow,

And the bulb is planted

And sweet words chanted

And upon that slope

There is hope

And it's the sun's choice

To grant the dream a voice,

And it's as would be done

Or would be undone

And there is aspiration

To act on volition

And the sod is set;

Do you want to bet

That rose blooms should have grown?

Regret

It's not about the things you could do differently

Nor the addition and subtraction of many sums

Nor the fact that you could hold more reverentially 

Nor the happy tunes you could have hummed.

It's not about the flowers you could have given

Nor the tangled noodles of the brain you could have undone

Nor the hand you could have clasped tight

At the setting of the blazing sun.

It comes calling on a night such as this,

It causes heartache at every wish,

And it's the long road with forks ahead

Where you must choose lest you be dead.

And the silver that engulfs you

And the golden eyes through which you are viewed

That must be what it is

Holding fast, holding slow, holding nevertheless

At the rising of the sun.

Journal 31.5.2024 9.08 am Friday

Dear Journal,

Mistakes loom large on the conscience along with the fear of being judged.

The past few days have been reasonably good.

If there was a way to erase those errors I would do that. But one must live with all ones karma.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents.

I am grateful for my Rockstar brother.

I'm grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for all my eternal friends.

I am grateful for Nature.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

9.13 am

Wondrous

In the wildest clasping of that snare

Where frightful dreams crop up unaware

When many fears crowd the mind

As falsities become Truth and rescind

All panic as I know it, clinging to me,

Is this a joke by the heavens upon me?

Grey clouds shroud the morning skies

And I look for a ray of hope on the sly,

I wish my painful trepidations would now cease

But I haven't known better, can't you see

The drops marring my eyes, the pale pallour

Of my hide, the dust gathering with vigour?

Can't you see that I do solely shiver?

At times like this when the heart has hardened

And the soft gaze has tired,

And worries of all sorts have gathered

To nest upon my nerves on a fire,

Would you please raise out your hand

And kindle the flame again so I can

Not feel so lost, feel so wan

And feel moist and warm again?

The road is one for now

But onward there are many forks,

And I'll join you on the high road

To laugh at this heaven's pleasant joke.

I haven't got the gift to see beyond

But I can prophesy well and sound

And I seek to know if we match step for step

Or whether I must dance to tunes now adept.

And in the hot raging winds of the night

I summon all my power and wits and might

Just to again ablaze the tinder

For those wondrous memories of wonder.

What is it?

Do you know what it is to sin,

How it differs from virtue

And how it is relegated to the bin?

Do you know how often in life's path

There are possibilities that would last?

There are sometimes ways to security

But they bring little joy without the ache

Of the soul and all those perplexities

But you traverse high onto that road

Where people cry, "You'll be distraught!"

It causes hurt, it is not easy to do

And it's the last thing I'd like to master true.

Would God judge me if I sin as such?

"But God is a friend! God loves me so much!"

With the touch of that hand, that kiss of the lips,

The admiration of those eyes where the soul sleeps,

The burning pains of the heart, that ignominable role

Does it come calling once at least as does every dole.

What must be experienced can't be avoided,

What teaches, what causes me to evolve

Must be rock hard diamond, must it not?

Then why must I lower my eyes, bowed down?

Why should I frown when I'm baking brown?

Why should I shy away from what is my lot?

Should I be memorising like I did when I was a tot?

If there was an easy answer it would be better to choose

And not worry about if I would win or lose;

Do you really know what it is to sin?

Do you know that it is to love as a twin?

I cast away my hopes today,

No, not all of them

But that must be the way,

That must be what my land had taught,

I didn't learn my lessons well that oft

Or may be I would only grow

If I really knew what I should know.

War

They asked an eye for an eye for history's shame

The heroes then now have a tarnished name

With knives and guns and tanks and bullets lame

The eye is blackened with horror and spirits far from tame.

The grenades race through the open hot air

For once upon a time their homes were their lair

And now in the darkness of their hell-like dens

Carcasses pile up and bloody eyes stare.

Me in the peaceful haven of my holy home

Cant see in view where the ghosts could have roamed,

Evil has no face, no name given by God

And I pull out a page of the mangled and wrangled sword.

They brandish nightmares as if they would gain

Some respite, some health, some wealth through the pain

And fire, fire, fire they do, completely insane

For war doesn't see the hens from the hanes.

Pull out your hair or let it down,

Hear songs sung through the frowns,

Even there as towers plummet to the ground

War is nameless, faceless, let them here lay down their crowns.

--  Doel Sengupta

Some place dark

Somewhere down in Hollow Way

Where people screech even at play

I paused and heard a sublime voice:

Good Morning it said to cut the noise.

Fact of the matter, it was dusky black

When the sun had set behind my back

Because I was so intoxicated there

Somewhere down in Hollow Way.

He offered me some more high brew

I partook of it and before I knew

I was dancing there so enthralled,

It was better than any noble ball.

People joined together in that dark pathway

Asking me to dance along, anyway

I could never live there, I said to myself

Because there are so many roads I must delve.

They were pixies really with fairy wings

And they gave me all the joy they could bring

But I told them I was homeward bound

For tomes are to be written about their sound.

That night as I curled into my bed

I wish their minds I had justly read

Because no place has been inviting enough

More than Hollow Way and its people's bluffs.

If you would like to step down from that high chair

I'll hold your hand and take you to Hollow Way

Where rags make for clothes and methyl for juice

And then tell me clearly what I would choose.

Should I accompany you ascending to the throne

Where we sit and brood and sometimes moan?

Or should I drag you to a sprightly dance

With the skinned people there so enhanced?

Moneys

In the rigid forward strides

Toward the amassing of wealth,

There are those that are gazing

At their unimagined stealth.

The town of Lords is torrid

As is the heart of the crowd,

A little taken aback by bid

Each doing himself proud.

Money! Money! Money!

Screams the whole world

In cacaphonous ensembles

Some now, some right from birth.

Each looks to his own

Forgetting wholly the sound

Emanating from within 

Where the real jewel is found.

And forward they go, 

All marching by themselves,

Lighting matches here

And sometimes igniting heaven.

For the human endeavour

No matter what the goal

Is godly, becoming, soulful,

Inspiring the whole of whole.

But in this onward looking

We do often totally forget

That the real nectar of health

And wealth and stealth is beget

In the core of our spines,

In our rhmy rhymes and chimes

Where resides that precious gem

Called humanity, which 

All the moneys cannot buy.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 27.5.2024 1.44 pm Monday

Dear Journal,

There are two points of view: I could look at my current state as a stalemate or I could look at all that is right with my life, all that is going for me.

I choose the latter point of view.

I have a beautiful big house to live in with my own room, wifi, and my comfortable hard bed.

I have delicious healthy home food to eat.

I have a little money.

I have talents.

I have my pranayama and yoga practice.

I have Neetaji to teach. She really is suffering a lot, which reminds me to take due care of myself.

I have my wonderful parents who love me unconditionally and who I dote on.

I have my beautiful Arun who I so adore and love. I am so grateful to have him in my life. I think he's a superawesome kickass humanbeing and I love loving him.

I have my brother and Sadhya who are great support. I love them.

I have friends and neighbours who I talk to everyday. That's such a blessing.

My body is healthy, fit and fine.

I still get job offers. But I have refused to make amends there and I should so that I can do some interesting work.

I have my book where I write poetry.

I get audition calls without making much effort.

I write everyday.

I have this wonderful life ahead of me.

I have a lot of love in my life.

I have good clothes. I need footwear.

I have a network of doctors who take care of my and my family's health.

I have a trove of books I can dive into.

I have blessings manifold in my life.

And I am grateful for all of the above.

Today I realised that Neetaji does have some major issues. Her breathing is very shallow and irregular and she is unable to take a proper pose. I will help her with that.

Now, I have kind of really started putting myself out there. Earlier, I was specifically looking for a work from home job and now I have erased that criteria. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I have completed all the tasks I put on my schedule today.

I wish myself and everybody I love a lovely day.

Love,

Me.

1.57 pm

Journal 26.5.2024 6.16 pm Sunday

Dear Journal,

I've had a pretty good day so far. I ticked of all the things on my schedule today. 

Arun called just once in the afternoon. And he was whispering on the phone. He said he's having a party at his place with his family and friends. I'm sure he'd planned it before but he didn't tell me. I really feel that if he's happier with his family I should let him be. But he never tells me so ever. He fulfils a lot of needs in my life. Am I an able companion to him? Does he love me? Does he care? Does he need me in any way? Why exactly is he with me? What do I bring to his life? Why do we meet? Do I bring any meaning to his life the way he brings to mine?

I love him a lot but I carry that pain within me some times. He does want to go home early these days from our dates unlike before. And he meets me far less frequently. I'm sure he's trying to work things out with his wife. And such things are not difficult to guage. It's so obvious.

Is he finally going to leave me?

I really care a lot about him. And I really love him a lot. But what's happening is not right from any measure. And by standards it's just not right. It's not right to his wife and children. And, of course, it's not right to me. And it's not right to him.

Why do people cheat in relationships and hurt the ones who love them and make so many sacrifices for them? I'll be very very hurt if Arun cheats on me. I will let him go if I ever find out in this two-timed relationship there is a third entrant. 

I was lying down in the afternoon. And PAg called and said let's go to Cat Cafe.

I had to really request him to come home.

Finally, he came.

He is such a good boy and such a good friend. He told me that he would help me in every way no matter what and he shared many numbers with me. He asked me if I'm fine because I wasn't fine last year and he was hesitating to call.

I told him honestly that no things were not fine. He said: "Ab to sab theek Hai?"

We spoke about our play.

And then I told him Let's Play Cards.

He said that he doesn't believe in such things.

But anyway that is what we did.

His cards were really good.

And I just picked mine and there was the three of swords again.

Is Arun betraying me? Why is that card coming up constantly? Or is someone else betraying me?

I feel hurt when Arun chooses time with his wife to over making a call to me. That means she's very important to him. And this is not right, right? Not right to her. And not right to me.

I would never ever hurt him like that. I realise that last year for those 3 months I was lost and hurting and very incoherent.

Firstly, I would never hurt anybody like this.

But much less Arun because I really love him a lot.

Anyway, today I sat and sent a lot of mails and I feel like I needed that push.

I really hope I never slip up like I did last year and yes, I will always take my medicines.

AK Mah said that we should go for a walk today because it's been really long. And I really hope today we end up taking a walk.

I'm going to make the most of this evening.

And I'm always going to be a good girl.

Whether it's Arun or someone else, whoever God has planned for me I hope to be loved and respected. I know that I'll get loyalty and love because I'm so loyal and loving. And I really really want God to give me a loyal, true companion who really loves me. And I hope it's my boyfriend because I've never loved anyone else more.

And I really want God to help me set my life straight.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my friends. I love my friends who just don't give up on me and love me no matter what.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents.

I am grateful for my Rockstar brother.

I am grateful for Arun and I'm grateful that he treats me sweetly. I'm grateful that I've found love.

I am grateful that Dheeraj sir messaged today asking how I am.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for Nidhi, Dr Shinde, Dr Nita Rajani and all the rest.

I am grateful that I'm God's special child and that He has blessed me with his infinite love and grace and is watching out for me.

I am grateful for trees and plants and birds and the skies and the seas.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for my teachers and students.

I am grateful for me.

I am grateful for the year 2024.

I am grateful for this beautiful evening ahead of me.

7.04 pm

Ps: I told Arun about the cards and he video called from his house. I so deeply adore this man. And I so ardently love him. And his reading glasses really suit him. And his neon t-shirt was so so so hot. I could grab him through the screen, get him on my bed and make love to him. I love love love my boyfriend a lot!

I was so happy to see his cute face. I do love him deeply. He means the world to me.

Besides even if the cards are showing this what destiny has in store will always happen. It could be a short-term thing. And I have no clue what that is. I can just put my faith in God and pray for the happiness of all involved and really hope that God will be kind to me.

And through all this frankly whatever happens my Arun is the one who will hurt the most. That is why I've been gloomy ever since he called from office that day.

May God give him untold happiness and a beautiful feeling in his heart, the feeling I feel for him. May his heart be full. And I know that it's most difficult for him. My cute heart, my sweetheart. In fact, my sweetest heart.

I'm sure if I get going on my career and get a good job Arun will feel far prouder of me and respect me more. I know he doesn't tell me but it must be bothering him a lot. Like I don't tell him about the things I write in this Journal. 

I'm sitting by the sea right now and the air is fresh and my pained heart needs easing.

And I'm sure there is great love destined for me, and a wonderful life ahead.

And I must not be so gloomy.

It's important to view circumstances as they are but still be happy and optimistic.

Whatever will be, will be.

And it's important to treasure what you have and be grateful for it. May be that's the best for that time in those circumstances. And you never know: what you have may be very very good.

And, of course, the grass always seems greener on the other side. But I like my side these days. And I know that life is going to open up going forward in the most beautiful way and surprise me wonderfully.

Journal 26.5.2024 7.53 am Sunday

Dearest Journal,

Yesterday, I met Nidhi. It's really fruitful meeting her.

She told me that I'm feeling my 'stuckness' because I have not acknowledged things for what they are. She told me that if people have wronged me, I should acknowledge that and not be in denial. Hmmm. That's so tough.

She also told me that I have to get out of the house more because home is where all the problem lies. And at some point I should think of moving out. 

Then Arun came to pick me up. And I had such a beautiful date with him. I love him so deeply.

My favourite part of the date was him showing me the pretty sea view at Band Stand twice as the car rolled towards it.

We then went to Madh to have sea food.

Yes, there was a lot of traffic. Bombay traffic can be quite bugging.

At some point I said something mean because he replied to a message by his wife.

And then his face fell and he looked a little sad. I did not like that. Why was he sad? He's such a sweet and cute humanbeing. I adore him so much.

The food at Madh was super delicious.

I wish Arun would tell me what bothers him. I'm sure he faces difficulties but he only talks about happy times in the past. I wish I could let him know that he can tell me anything. I would never judge him for it.

When we were homeward-bound I felt really drowsy and I lay my head on his lap. I love doing that. He is the most comforting person in my life.

I always feel a comfortable drowsiness with him.

I had a Pepsi before going home and all my drowsiness vanished.

I'll always cherish the little things with him. I'll always remember how he threw me a flying kiss yesterday through the window as his car went ahead after I got down from it.

I'll always remember his hands, his beautiful hands that I love holding.

I love him. I'm so grateful to him for having me as his girlfriend. And I can't see how long the road ahead is. That is why sometimes I feel anxious but usually when it comes to him I go with the flow.

He also told me three super long jokes. The length of the jokes was funny. And his cute expressions were adorable.

Nidhi also told me yesterday that I have to exercise in the open air more so I think I'll head down for a walk now.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him. I am grateful for the wonderful time he gave me yesterday. I'm grateful for his sweet love and affections. 

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for Nidhi.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful that Simit read my handwriting so well.

I am grateful for Chotto.

I am grateful for my bed, my home and my lime green room.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for the future.

I am grateful for my beautiful sleep.

I am grateful for this beautiful day ahead

8.18 am.

Journal 24.5.2024 12.44 pm Friday

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling a little sad and a little hurt. Because everytime I've played the cards in many months the three of swords has come up. I know that the cards don't lie but of course karma and destiny are ever mutable and knowing that I never feel so despondent.

I know Arun betrayed me those months I was so low and hibernating and lost. Because the cards never lie.

He did say he met girls way more beautiful than me. He would have left I know those days if he could. I would never ever leave him, never let him go.

I know that God has graced me with gifts manifold but one thing he didn't give me is outer beauty but to make up for that he's made me ever-growingly beautiful from the inside. 

Frankly, I don't think Arun would be able to judge a beautiful person from the inside if he saw one. I don't like his taste in beauty at all. He's also told me often that I'm not his type. Then it must be my love thats been the tight glue that holds us together. The people he so lauds with praises of beauty I don't find that beautiful frankly. I judge people more from other measures of beauty.

I find him most handsome because his sweet heart really shines through his face. And his expressions keep changing according to how he's feeling and he's so adept at wearing his heart on his sleeve that his face can't hide his inner emotions. I know when he's happy, I can tell when he's sad. And I'm deeply in love with him and everything about him. Especially how he's got so stuck with me even though I'm so far from being the girl of his dreams.

His inner world is so vibrant that he looks so appealing. That I think is true handsomeness. The people he finds so handsome and beautiful I don't find that appealing. So we differ greatly in taste.

Like Dimma always told me: "The face is the mirror of the mind and the eyes are the windows to the soul." I fell in love with his beautiful eyes that can't lie even though he's lied in speech a lot.

I know I'm not so outwardly beautiful by his measures and I know this hurt and pain I'm feeling now will pass. Because I know that winter always turns into spring and a long night is always followed by the sunrise. And of course that the world will never end. So I don't have any reason to feel this hurt and feel so pained. I can let go of this. It's my choice. So I won't harp on it. A little patience goes a long way.

And may I grow only more beautiful from the inside. Some day I know I'll brighten up the world with my radiance and then even on dreary nights the world will see light, and everybody will have hope.

I hope to not make a single being I encounter feel hopeless. May I give hope to all.

Love,

Me.

1.09 pm

Journal 24.5.2024 7.19 am Friday

Dearest Journal,

For the past few days I've been feeling very sad before going to sleep. I cry thinking I can't let Arun die before me.

Does he really love me? Will he really always be true to me?

I must cast away all these negativities.

Today I am going to write my novel because I also want to make the most of my day.

It's Ma and Pa's anniversary.

I wish myself a happy day.

I think I'll forget the old concept and start something new because I'm not feeling enthusiastic about that story.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa. Their togetherness is why I am who I am.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for my heroic brother. I love him so.

I am grateful for Sadhya.

I am grateful for all my eternal friends.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

I am grateful for all my teachers and all my students.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful that today's day has been won.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for all the giants whose shoulders I stand on.

I am grateful that I read.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful for my heart and soul.

I am grateful that I'm brave and bold.

7.27 am

Mixing it all up

I thought I'd go dim with the din

And I didn't get into the dun at all,

I think I'll mix up the din and the dun

So that I can get all the work done.

Parodies are all there are really

When you are beset with fallacies

But the Truth shines so bright you can't deny

That you cut through dilemmas and rise.

Sometimes to lay your trust on a word or whim

Is as good as mixing the dun with the din

Because without that ounce of faith

And a dollop of the goodness of love

Inertia comes calling and forward gallops;

Life ceases to be a mystery today

Because I had the good sense to mix it all up my way

And when Everest comes calling high

I won't be sighing and I won't say nigh.

Today it may seem all mixed up that's true

And this day of rumination has passed through,

To rely sometimes on some mixed up din and dun

Could make all the difference to if you have won.

So I think I'll now lay down my thinking cap

And do some work of forty laps

And then I'll tell you thank you for bearing with me

For I was really mixed up, really weary.

Please

Are you feeling hurt? Are you beset by the greys?

Have I said or done something now or before

That you think thinking is such a waste?

I won't explain myself to you at all

All I can do is through actions that I'm proud

Of you in every way and I request you

To cast all your glooms far away;

The road ahead is golden sunlit and

Full of friends for you and me and

Full of beautiful joyful experiences and

You wonder how I am so sure:

I'll whisper it in your ear.

Don't be hurt, please, please oh please

And clear all your doubts

And think deeply into it

Before you decide how without

A glimmer of hope life goes on

Sometimes and then somebody

Adorns it with so much beautiful light;

I don't think we are ever leaving

Each other's side and I know

You're amazed sometimes through the night

When the stars speak to you

And you lie awake, thinking

You never know, but it's not too late.

What is it that you want me to do?

Please tell me, please, tell me true

Because your opinion really matters to me

And please, Oh please, feel free

To embrace all the joys of life,

Make it good, make it blithe.

Our Love

We are both working in this great gym of life

Where there are many friends who exercise;

I don't know why but you ignore my presence

And I cook a broken omelette in my defence;

I catch you all in white lending your affections,

Not holding back; you request me to go away

And then you become dark in black for a party day;

I fight with you, I want out: it's my own insecurities

And your dishonest doubts, and then I realise

You are not worried at all even though I've been

Crying myself to sleep each night, you've been spreading the hots;

I love it how sleep speaks to me,

I will do you proud, I will honey.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 22.5.2024 2.49 pm Wednesday

Dear Journal,

I love my life. I am so blessed, so fortunate to teach Neetaji Yoga. The Yoga Institute has asked me to help with being her teacher. They aren't paying me because it's an internship. But I love her and I love guiding her. I love seeing her face light up in a smile when I crack a joke. And I love making people smile.

The Yoga institute had briefed me that she is a depressed aged woman who needs extra care.

When I first met her last week, she talked a lot. She told me that for years she's had a uti infection and that her husband had taken her for every test possible. But no problem cropped up in the tests. Her children are getting old and she is paranoid about their future. Finally, after years of meeting the gynaecologist the doctor told her that her uterus and urinary tract are in excellent condition and the pains she feels are just psychological. She needs to practise Yoga and seek counselling. What a lovely problem to have! I love her so much. The other teachers have complained about her and have even told me that she's a handful. But she's very receptive and very smart and she looks so young. She doesn't look like she's in her 60s at all. She asks intelligent questions and I'm so grateful to teach her. I think I'll do this for some more time because it's bringing me so much happiness. And I'll plan her lessons carefully.

Yesterday, on the phone Arun said he's scared I'll find someone else. And that completely shattered my heart and I wept. Because I've given him indications to feel insecure about my love for him. In that moment I decided as I cried that I won't even look at any other guy. And I really won't. No matter how much he troubles me.

I just wish he could see how beautiful he is as a person and what a lovely, good humanbeing he is and if I could just make him see himself the way I see him he would be far happier. I love my boyfriend. I've never said that about any other guy.

I was so sad last night that I asked him to drop by so that I could kiss him and smell him. And for once he did that. And just because he did that I stopped crying and slept a beautiful deep sleep. I really do love him. And I'll always, always be true to him.

Remembering that today, took my mind to a few incidents from a few years before when I regularly went to Rkm for Gita lectures.

Then Swami Devakatyananda had scolded me in front of everyone.

"Your name is Doel, right?" I have no clue how he knew my name. I must be notorious.

"You are reading too deeply into Buddhist literature. The literature is fuddling your brain. What you read has a deep impact on your mind, remember that."

And I had the audacity to argue with him and I told him that I felt Buddhism was my calling.

Those days for many years I did feel I had a deep connection to Buddhism and I explained that to him and we had a proper shouting match in front of everybody at rkm.

I explained that I understand all the Buddhist concepts so easily that I must be meant to be a Buddhist. And he vehemently opposed me in front of everybody.

I used to so feel like a mystic all those years, and walk around like a mystic and talk like a mystic. And sometimes I've been very confused and very befuddled and said illogical things and behaved erratically. I remembered this because Arun keeps telling me that he is worried I'll slip again. And that really bothers me. I wish the people I so deeply adore and love had more faith in me. He's one of my soul and I wish I could make him see that.

Swami Devakatyananda told me I have to stop studying Buddhism like this because it is affecting my mind.

Then he said:"Just pray to God once a day and you'll be fine. And don't fear anything. Don't be scared. Nothing you fear will ever come to pass. Face your life courageously and bravely."

I loved being his student and I hope he wanted to be my teacher those years. He did care enough to point out my error. And after all these years I realised he cared so much that he scolded me like that in front of everybody. And I see sense in his words today. Those days I didn't as I got steeped into Buddhism. And now I know that sometimes you may think something is very good for you but it may not be. And I'm glad he pointed it out to me.

I wish his Gita lectures were still on. I'd definitely go for it. He always made me laugh.

And I hope that I can be my own anchor because I am responsible for my own happiness and I wish myself a good day ahead today. I am responsible for being the light that delights the world.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my wonderful life.

I am grateful for my sweet Boyfriend. I hope I can make him feel loved. I am grateful for all that comes with him.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents. I wish I'm successful at easing their worries.

I am grateful for my heroic brother.

I am grateful for my teachers. God has blessed me with wonderful Teachers.

I am grateful to teach Neetaji. She's an able student.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful for Nature.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for all I write and read.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful to have found Arun.

I am grateful for this beautiful day and I hope to make the best of it.

3.32 pm

Journal 21.5.2024 12.45 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

I wish someone would hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me they believe in me, that they have faith in me. That would spur the enthusiasm in me to chase my dreams.

All the criticism of me and my mistakes, and all the naysaying really bogs me down.

The only two people who have had that kind of faith in me are Ma and Nidhi these days. And I of course can't discount my teachers like Peggy Mam, Punita mam and Dr Arunan, who always showed immense faith in me and believed in me. I must go and say hello to Dr Arunan one of these days.

Yes, love can move mountains. But love is a lesser ideal than togetherness where you stand shoulder to shoulder. It's from that space that love grows and blossoms and yes, love can move mountains. Love is the foundation of faith and belief and from that space miracles happen and mysteries are unshrouded.

I can have a sharp tongue sometimes. And I must not. Yesterday I said something critical to Arun and also fought with my Shona Ma in the morning. And that makes me feel really bad. I must observe non-judgmentality and non-criticism. And today I'll shower Ma with love.

When she sits me down and tells me that she believes in me because I'm the most gifted person she knows it really touches my heart. She tells me that I have the liberty to chase my dreams. But she is often so strict and stern. She's often told me that even Buro is not as gifted as me. And Buro says no one he knows is as intelligent as me. And Pa says that he knows in his heart that I'm meant to be only excellent and nothing else. There! So many praises! So why do I sometimes sit and complain?

Nidhi told me the other day that I don't know how much people love me. I asked her how does she know that and she said that it's because people tell her that. Does that mean that Dr Rao has said good things about me to her?

He is so stern and strict when I meet him occasionally that I can't believe that! Even Dhiraj sir criticised me so much during yoga class and then he gave me a good feedback.

So sometimes you never know what people really think.

Stephen King writes in his autobiography: "You don't need a lot of talent or skill or money to make it in life. All you need is just one person to believe in you." That person for him was his mother. Arun's mother was also like that. He is so sweet. I love his sentimental heart so much.

Abraham Lincoln wrote in his autobiography that in his Presidency he realised that whenever he criticised or pointed out people's mistakes he never got things done and his subordinates always rebelled. So he started speaking only words of encouragement and praise.

Once an Army man made a terrible mistake that could have created a huge loss in the civil war and Lincoln tested his faith in his theory. Instead of reprimanding the man, Lincoln appreciated him for all the things he had done right. And that Armyman went ahead and won Lincoln the Civil War! Isn't that beautiful! Isn't that amazing!

Even Jagdish Chandra Bose tested this on plants and saw that when he spoke critical words to plants they died and when he showered plants with words of love they blossomed. Gardening must be such a spiritual activity then. To love Nature teaches one to love Man.

I think in the evening I'll go and take a nice long, walk in the Garden and get some work done now.

May I as Lincoln realised, never be harsh on people. May I speak sweet words. Even if I can't make a difference in any other way I know that would make a world of difference to the people in my life.

And from that space may I be Truthful and Genuine and Honest.

May I, always.

Love,

Me.

1.20 pm

Again

In noontide hours oh love secure and strong

I need thee not for mad dreams are mine to bind,

Dreams built on sweet illusions that one has

When touched by thee.

The sun is high, my spirits low,

And thy beautiful candour 

I must hold

For in noontide hours, Oh love,

Secure and strong

I dip my feet into the vast ocean of life,

Stretching to infinity,

Countless,

Magnificent

For mad dreams are mine to bind,

Swimming in thy vast ocean of love.

Journal 21.5.2024 9.13 am Tuesday

Dear Journal,

For the past three days my head was in the clouds. I hope it's not so today and that I'm able to be far more present. I only listened to music for the past three days and thought about Arun.

Yesterday we were at a bar and Pa called up and he sounded very upset, asking me who I was with. I really wish Pa and Ma were not so upset with me. I love them.

Yesterday was also voting day and Pa was so friendly with me in the morning just the way he's always been. And I thought may be he's made peace with what he thinks. But I am answerable to my parents. And I do wish I was headed somewhere with Arun but I don't bring it up because it's not easy. And I would never want him to hurt his children.

Why do people have extra-marital affairs? 

I so love him and so adore him.

At some point in the evening I was feeling gloomy and sent him lots of messages. And I must have a grip on my mind.

He also told me that his friend S doesn't want to meet me. That also made me very sad.

Additionally, our yoga certificates will be given to us at the end of this month.

And love is a worthy cause, right?

I've been delaying the Pepper assignment and I'll sit on it today.

Love is an abstract noun but it's also a verb; in order to feel love, you have to love.

Love comes with sacrifice, patience and effort. And it's such a great feeling. 

I don't think I can ever let Arun go.

Sometimes these days I do feel he's so much older. But he is soo cute and such an awesome human being that I don't care a damn what the age difference is. That's how I mostly think about this.

I so wish for so many things and I hope life unfolds beautifully in front of me, bedazzling me.

The biggest Truth is that whatever I've ever wished for, I have got.

And I wish that God won't give me the things that my mind has harped on in times of gloom.

I won't drink a cola today and I won't smoke a lot.

Things to do today:

Pepper assignment

Write

Yoga

Meditation

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my beautiful life. Life is truly wonderful.

I am grateful for my sweet boyfriend and all that comes with him. He means a lot to me. I am grateful that I have him and his sweet love. I so deeply adore him.

I am grateful for my parents. My parents are awesome. 

I am grateful for Chotto. I wish he didn't look so sad.

I am grateful for this Journal.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for the beautiful hearts in my life that guide and spur me on.

I am grateful for music.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

And I'm grateful for books that teach me so much.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for poetry. Life is poetry. Life is magic and I'm one of the world's greatest magicians.

9.37 am.

A sad poem

I'm not the best thing that's happened to you,

Right?

Because other girls catch your fancy

And do you more delight,

Right?

Even if I write this poem for you,

You won't feel I'm special,

Will you?

You haven't always honoured my love so true,

Right?

Because other girls have held your delight,

Right?

And you wouldn't have loved me ever

The way I have and do

That is why I say I love you more.

Sometimes loving you brings on the tears

And all those sordid painful fears

Of nights you've kept me waiting in the cold

And told me I am very remote from gold

And that you'd be better of to lie

Than wean yourself from those girls

Who hold your delight.

May be I shouldn't raise my hopes

And really wash my ass with soap

Because that of course is the advice

That will guide me through life and keep away vice.

I don't think you really understood

When I held your hand and professed my love true,

I really feel you must have me betrayed

Because that is all to me the cards say.

I think I must have gone mad like you said

And I'm sorry I didn't do anything to get you into bed

But my heart does break you know 

Thinking of the night you kept me out in the cold

And then told me I'm very remote from gold.

-- love Doel

The Sojourn

Somewhere upon Eagle Peak

A flight of fancy causes me to weep,

A little delirious, a little shaken,

A little dwarfed and hugely mistaken. 

What must a girl such as me really do

When taken over by the measly blues?

Write a poem? Sing a song?

If only you would sing along.

The road to Eagle Peak is swamped

With crowds of friends and sing-a-longs

And the journey would only do me well

Only if you would tell me all that you would tell.

If a soothsayer says to me today

That I will conquer Eagle Peak this day

I'd cry aloud because I'm really feeling gloom

From a day far past, a day of doom.

I can't see the road ahead, it's misty and cold,

Marked by the dead and lit with gold;

I don't know what the journey would be like

But will you please help me cross the dyke?

I really won't ask you for much anymore,

Just that you accompany me on this beautiful sojourn

Because the path ahead is lit and gold

And there I'd like to your hand hold.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 19.5.2024 4.05 pm sunday

Dear Journal,

I know it, I can feel it, and I love it, but it makes me cry. The unexpected has happened in the past year and it's most vital to relish and cherish each moment for the slightest of victories may mean a monumental shift in fortune.

I feel it, I know it, I love it and it's best if I sink into each moment, relishing it because I never know, right?

It's difficult to get down to the nitty gritties at the moment but I know it's super good.

Life in general is asking me to raise my head and descend to the ground where lies all the work I must do.

So may be I should do all the vairagya asanas we learnt. Or may be I should just feel humbled.

And may be these tears I feel dripping down mean that my heart is soaked in the greatest of nectars of love and joy.

But I don't need to try. I already feel humbled.

Love,

Me.

4.12 pm

Journal 19.5.2024 1.38 pm Sunday

Dear Journal,

What in the name of God has happened to me? I've just been listening to music all day long, smoking cigarettes and daydreaming.

The positive is that it's not the worst thing to do to while away time so I needn't feel too guilty. I love music and I draw inspiration from it.

But I can't make a cloud of dreams my abode.

Yesterday was a dry day. And Arun and I went to Tap. His friend joined us at some point. She's rather nice. I was a little bugged at first because there were so many things I wanted to tell him but I'm glad I met her.

I really love him a lot. I can't shake the thought of him from my head. And today I decided I'll stop trying to do that. Because I realised that I feel guilty about so many things I do because I feel that I should be writing. But it's not wrong to watch videos and listen to music and read and meet friends and to think about your boyfriend all day long. In fact, it's quite natural. They are all worthy tasks that are the juice of what I put down on paper.

 I find Arun so incredibly handsome and charming. I love spending time with him.

He's been so sweet to me recently. I don't know why. But I haven't got the chance to talk to him that much today and I won't call and disturb him. He's out and I know having me in his life is not the easiest thing for him.

I'll get down to some writing and I might just give that audition today.

Ma urged me today to start chanting again. I love Ma. She caught me smoking cigarettes downstairs today but she hasn't said a word about it.

Arun just called. I love him so deeply. I worship him. He's my greatest love. I hope he has a good day. And I hope to have an excellent day now.

Love,

Me

1.56 pm

Journal 17.5.2024 3.49 pm Friday

Dear Journal,

I haven't had a drop of sleep tonight after a long time.

I so adore my boyfriend. 

I've been staying awake with my mind worrying about devil worship and the likes.

Arun is such a good human being. He's way better than most men I've met and I don't like this character I met yesterday and I don't feel like auditioning for him. What should I do?

I'm so awake that I think I'll sleep only tonight at the end of this day.

I love my boyfriend and I really wish on a sleepless night such as this I could snuggle into his arms and fall asleep. Just the thought of him comforts me. I love him. Period.

Love,

Me.

3.53 pm

Ps: I feel so good pouring my heart out into this Journal. I wish I could call Arun up in the middle of the night. But I won't do that.

Journal 16.5.2024 7.06 pm Thursday

Dear Journal,

Why, Oh why is this a world of men? And how must I navigate these torrents?

Today I woke up at 9 and immediately messaged A like I always do. But he didn't call me till 1 pm that too after I called him and he didn't pick up. He said he can't hear his phone ring.

I had a beautiful date with him last evening. Hearing him saying Happy Anniversary was such an overwhelming feeling and seeing him smile tugged at my heart strings like always.

But we are always quick to say goodbye on the phone. 

I went for yoga class in the morning and class was very manageable since only Neetaji and Arunaji were there. It gave me ample time to lie in Shavasana, which is so relaxing.

Then Raghav messaged and I went to meet him.

He had sent me the audition lines that I am yet to do.

He was just kind of talking about his emotional issues and then he said Will You Go Out With Me. And I said I Have A Boyfriend and I Really Love Him.

And he said Your Boyfriend Is So Lucky Because You Are So Intelligent, So Nice And So Beautiful. And I told him I would never date him because he's not my type. He said Fine Let's Be Friends.

Now, this is not a big deal. And yet it is.

Wherever I go, whenever it comes to work whether it be Bodhi, or Ns, or N, or V or T or B or AM or NA or Sl (all the men I talk to these days) all of them have propositioned me and don't seem to be serious about work.

Then my friends say that Men Are Like That. They'd say I Love You to Any Girl. And I believe that today having heard Arun say I Love You Baby to his friends. May be men say I Love You to everyone and really like to keep their options open. (They never know when the chance will arise.)

I have never cheated on any man. And I have integrity enough to never break anyone's trust and I'm really serious about work. I would never take advantage of a man or a woman.

And I want God to give me the strength to navigate this world of men, carve my niche and transform it into a world of strong women.

I really miss Qud. And I miss having a gang of women friends. That is why despite everything it was really nice to meet Kamakshi the other day.

After I came back home, I messaged Arun and called him up. He didn't pick up. 

Then Raghav sent me some messages with smileys and my mind went to all the times Arun has hurt me telling me not to call him back to back twice and not to message him in the middle of a meeting-- Times he's been harsh may be because he's been in two minds about me. I felt sad thinking about times when he may have lied to me. And then Wisdom told me that nothing is perfect and that I should cherish what I have. Nobody and noone is perfect.  Neither am I. 

Then he called me half an hour later and we got talking and somewhere into the conversation I felt that he wanted me to say Bye so a little later I did say Bye.

I really do love him. Whenever I'm laid at these kind of roads when it comes to him I remind myself of his beautiful heart and sweet soul that reflects on his handsome face and all the reasons I love him. I definitely love him more.

And along with strength I wish God would grant me a boon-- that I am valued and loved for who I am, and encouraged and nurtured for my inner beauty, and that I am accepted just as I am without anyone comparing me and wishing I was any different; that I am valued.

Now, these messages from Raghav have really dwindled my enthusiasm but I shall muster it sometime today.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I slept well last night and that Arun also slept well.

I am grateful for my sweet Boyfriend.

I am grateful for my awesome parents.

I am grateful that Yoga class was so good today.

I'm grateful for work.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I ate today.

I am grateful for Dimma and Dadu who I thought about today. I really really miss Dimma.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful that I've finally snapped out of my inertia.

I am grateful for Chotto. He is such a good boy and Sadhya is so lucky to have him.

I am grateful for this Journal.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on me and my loved ones.

7.45 pm

Journal 14.5.2024 9.14 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

Today on reflection I realised that not a single thing comes to fruition without hard work.

Everytime I've worked hard I've succeeded and done exceedingly well.

After I quit Journalism in 2019 I wanted to take it easy. Often I havent worked hard thinking the work is too easy. But whenever I have, I've done well for myself and those are the silver linings I claim. 

The second thing is that everytime I've approached people and circumstances with a positive frame of mind I've invited opportunities into my life. That also goes for how I'm thinking about Arun. I must be positive. It's not like he's run away. He's pretty much there and that's such a blessing. I do love him a lot. And sometimes I feel overwhelmed in a good way. And then the trough. But why the trough? There should never be a trough! Professionally or personally.

The third realisation has been deeper. In the quest to get along and be happy we often lose our sight on the professionalism that is required to make the cut at a job. That professional image goes a long way.

We make friends at the workplace and lose sight of the real reason we are there. And not all workplace friendships are for a lifetime. So brain over heart is the mantra.

Additionally, Bodhi called today and suggested that I get on board with him and handle the communications for Uns. He sent me two presentations.

So tomorrow I will see the presentations and work hard at understanding them, be positive about the outlook and keep it strictly professional. That also goes for my relationship with people in the film industry -- be friendly, but mostly be professional.

I really wish tomorrow Arun and I have a great date and I can make him feel happy and loved. And I will work at our relationship, be positive about it (and stop bugging him with my whininess) and I'll respect him for as long, as long. And I wish at the end of it all he's happiest because I am indeed most grateful.

Also, Ma and Pa have stopped being angry with me and things are pleasant.

Damage control-- give space to all.

I've had a pretty good day.

Hope for the best!

Mantra: work hard, stay positive, and keep it professional.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I met some wonderful people today.

I am grateful that Bodhi called today.

I am grateful that I was happy today.

I am grateful that I ate yummy food today.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa and their unrelenting love and support.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him. He's so sweetly mature that he makes me comfortable and he's such a baby sometimes.

I am grateful for chotto. He is my shweet little one.

I am grateful for Sadhya. I love her.

I am grateful for all the work in my life.

I am grateful for my beautiful home and room, and my comfortable bed.

I am grateful that I live in Aram Nagar.

I am grateful for all my neighbours.

I am grateful for love and all my loved ones.

I am grateful for my wonderful life.

9.42 pm

Journal 14.5.2024 5.31 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

Today I kept all my fears aside, wore a nice dress and stepped out to meet casting directors. My friends have been telling me to do this for a very long time.

I met a few casting directors and I did lie about my age a bit but not so much. It feels weird to lie about your age. I think I'll keep my focus here. One girl who shot my video at mccc said she's seen me in Broken Mirror. That was nice to hear.

I really hope to land some good work. The stars are aligning and I can't afford to be scared.

Additionally Arun didn't go to work today. I love him. And I hope for the best on this front too.

I met this casting director from Delhi called Raghav who invited me for a party and said you'll meet directors there. Let's see. I told him I have a strict deadline at home and have to leave by 11 max.

After my experience in 2019 doing the same thing I've felt very scared to approach people for work. The film industry is a very dirty place. And the casting couch exists. And I have to protect myself more than I need to work. But I have a good feeling.

I can't afford to be inhibited and scared.

And I really want to make Arun, Ma, Pa and Buo proud. In a span of one year Arun has come to mean so much to me.

Of course I know that he's married. But somewhere deep down inside me I hope that I can share love with him in this lifetime. No guy has meant what he means to me and I personally can't afford to lose him. And I really should give him his space. And own my space.

I'm feeling so much better today. It felt so good to go and say hello to all these people.

Age, of course, is not on my side like it was 5 years ago and then came the lockdown. But it's never too late.

I have to meet a casting director called Aditya Surana on Thursday and Raghav too. Let's see how all this goes.

I'll go and spend quality time with Ma now and get some writing done.

This is going to be my weekly ritual now, meeting casting directors. That's my effort.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this beautiful life.

I am grateful that I woke up healthy today.

I am grateful for the lovely brunch I ate today.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa. I love them.

I am grateful for Buo and Sadhya.

I am grateful that I met people today who I will work with.

I am grateful that everywhere I went today people were courteous and respectful.

I am grateful for utilising my time well today.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful that I feel happy today.

I am grateful for my home, my bed and the money I have.

I am grateful that I'll be quitting smoking soon.

I am grateful for the beautiful evening ahead of me.

5.51 pm

Journal 14.5.2024 10.13 am Tuesday

Dear Journal,

I really really want to quit smoking and I will.

Life is good and I need to take action. I have to finish that novel and I know that life will always be kind to me. I must not worry.

And I must be positive.

I really do love Arun a lot. Mostly when I think of him my heart is abrim with love.

He's a very very sweet person. And incredibly wonderful. And I'm so lucky to have his love.

Why didn't he take my call yesterday?

Sometimes I wish he weren't so brash. But he's been like that right from the start.

I had a dream in the morning in which he said I Love You Way More to me.

Today I have to accomplish:

Prayer

Meditation

Writing Novel

Think Positive Thoughts

And pray again

Just these many things I can do.

I can't see the future but it's bright and beautiful. And I must focus on getting this novel done.

Also I've decided to not smoke today. Hope I can keep up to that.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I woke up in the morning healthy, fit and fine.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for Buo and Sadhya.

I am grateful for Arun's sweet love.

I am grateful that I'm feeling up for the day.

I am grateful that I get good forebodings from astrologers. Life is good and it gives me some hope.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful that I pray.

I am grateful for my determinations.

I am grateful that I'm capable and competent.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

Journal 14.5.2024 12.21 am Tuesday

Dear Journal,

I haven't really been in a very positive frame of mind. And I'm very very scared that Arun will leave me. 

He doesn't really talk to me much about things these days like he used to. And when I asked him last night he said he doesn't want to sound repetitive. He did look happy and handsome. I think he has someone to talk to these days or may be the old things on his mind are not on his mind anymore. However, I feel that our relationship has transformed and I've been feeling really low.

I myself have been feeling awfully low.

So Simit Bhagat came home. And we caught up on a lot of things. I was dressed, well, for home. And Simit said that we should go for a drive. And I went.

Then at Bandra on the Highway was a man lying drunk. And Simit called up the cops and waited till they came to get the man away. That was really nice and conscientious. And I wish Arun would also do something like that. May be he'd just drive past.

At home Simit studied my handwriting and we chatted about the Amit Mayekar case, and he asked me to pick cards for him.

I did. His cards were really good. And then I picked for myself and there was the three of swords again. Has Arun betrayed me? 

That three of swords keeps coming up in my readings.

I've been feeling that life is not getting anywhere for a really long time. It was never like this before. Earlier opportunities always came knocking at my door and I'm not used to this struggle. It's all my doing. And my own emotional issues that have caused this. My own acting out.

I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.

On Wednesday we mark a year of knowing each other. Knowing Arun it won't be anything special, there won't be a gift or anything and we'll languish in Bottles.

I really feel like I'm losing him. And I wish he was nicer, you know, in a way. Not so harsh, not so critical of me. And I wish he was generally nicer. He is a sweetheart, a gem of a person. May be he doesn't love me the way he used to. Or may be he's found someone else who has caught his fancy.

He also said he likes it that I'm so easygoing. I don't have any demands. But I do. But I do keep in mind that he's always out of money at the end of the month and I don't want him to spend so much on our dates. But it would be nice I feel if he took me to places that are more fun.

I also called up Kcs Iyer today who gave me good forebodings.

Let's see. It's my own frame of mind that is causing this kind of an outlook. 

Also, of course Yoga Institute called up today and asked me to train a woman who is struggling with depression.

That class was fun.

It seems that Arun is not interested in me. He always changes the topic when I talk these days. Earlier, he used to be all attention.

Well, wisdom says of course change is the only constant and relationships also transform.

We also fought in the morning. My doing, or his doing we fought.

I've been feeling very negative and having a lot of sexual thoughts. My mind needs a dose of sattva. A dose of peace and a dose of positivity.

Also, Pa has been really stern.

I think I'll take a shower now and fall asleep.

Yoga Institute also messaged and said I've got good ratings from all the teachers.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I went for a drive with Simit. I really needed it. And it was nice talking to him.

I am grateful that I went and taught Yoga today. Voila! I can teach Yoga!

I am grateful for Arun. It's not the same anymore. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse. Or maybe it's the same. Or may be I've got it all wrong in my head.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa and their support.

I am grateful for the food I eat. I'm so grateful that I don't have to struggle for food.

I am grateful that I did find this wonderful person called Arun Diwakar. I am grateful for the small ways in which he lights up my day.

I am grateful for the many sweet things he says that touch my heart and I'm grateful that he's there in my life.

I am grateful that some people do value me. And it feels nice to be valued.

I'm grateful that I write this Journal.

I am grateful for my smile. It suits my face :p

I am grateful that Arun took me to that Nagpuri place the other day and then to watch Srikanth. That was fun.

I am grateful that Neha J said good things about me.

I am grateful for my heart, mind and body that only do the work of love.

I am grateful that I have Bu. He's a great support.

I am grateful for my vibrant future.

I am grateful for life.

I'm grateful that I love.

1 am

Sometimes

Have you ever watched the sun

Rise again and set again

Then rise once more and set once more

Again and again,

Day after day

From each dawn to dusk,

From each dusk to dawn?

Have you ever watched the waves 

Ebb and flow,

Then ebb again and flow again?

Like the certainty of Nature,

Like the waning and waxing moon

My love for you also stands

Ebbing and flowing,

Rising and setting,

Waxing and waning

Day after Day

And night after night.

If I could make light

Of this bond we share

I must say it's sturdy

But sometimes it pains.

Sometimes, just sometimes

I feel if you would just

Walk in through my door,

And lie down on my bed,

And tell me when you need me

And let me show you all my care

I'd be a happier mortal,

And it's true,

Sometimes loving you

Makes me very blue.

I don't mean to be harsh,

And in all seriousness

I can't deny

That having you

In my life

Sometimes makes me want to cry.

Sometimes, just sometimes

I wish we could make love

And ease our stresses,

Blessed by God above.

And sometimes, just sometimes

When it's at you that I do gaze

I feel joy in knowing

That all your moods I can trace.

Sometimes, just sometimes

I wish I could smell you all day

And speak honestly

About all that goes through my mind

And sometimes, just sometimes

I kneel and pray because I did find

You, somewhere along the way.

And sometimes, just sometimes

I wish for many things,

And it's up to providence

Really what is willed.

Sometimes, just sometimes

I feel like leaning in

And kissing you deep

Drawing all my affections from within.

Sometimes, just sometimes

I wish I could feel you within me

In all physicality 

And all spirituality 

And live and love.

Just sometimes.

Journal 12.5.2024 9.50 am Sunday

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling very irritated with Ma.

Last night I cried myself to sleep thinking about Ma's heel problem and Pa's arthritis and I decided that no matter what I won't fight with them.

But Ma has thrown away the Diwan where I did my Pranayama and meditation each morning and I have no place to sit and do my morning ablutions.

I'm feeling so irritated with her. Why didn't she consult me before throwing it away?

And why does she shout so much at the smallest thing?

I'm sitting here absolutely irritated with her. She can be very bugging.

Love,

Me.

Journal 10.5.2024 14.32 pm

Dear Journal,

I met Nidhi today. It's so good to have her to talk to.

I then called Arun because I just wanted to hear his voice. I think he was doing something he didn't want to share with me; that is what I sensed in his tone.

He is there; that's a great relief but he's not so supportive; he never encourages or praises me, and he never does anything that shows support. And we don't do anything but drink together.

Frankly, when we were in Salt me going to office late and then leaving early with him to go to the mall not only caused my salary to be slashed but also resulted in a job loss.

I'm sure he takes other girls to the mall these days. Why wouldn't he? It's so easy to just go and sit there and have a drink. And he lies so much. I feel a great trust deficit now that I know he's not so honest and truthful. But he thinks that being honest about the fact that he finds other girls more beautiful than me is some kind of service to me.

He is very loving that is true but I wish he was there for me in other ways like an anchor. I've never discussed my dreams and goals with him because I don't think he is interested. The few times I've started talking about such things he's changed the topic and started talking about other things.

I don't really share a lot with him and even then I do. May be that's my Truth right now that I'm not revealing too much to anybody. But I did open up in yoga class and I do talk to Nidhi.

I really wish he didn't lie so easily. It really hurts to know that I'm being lied to.

And I'm sure he lies to his wife and keeps that relationship going.

And he lies to me and keeps this relationship going. That's a huge big character flaw something he will probably never get rid of. I don't think I can trust him because he lies so freely. May be I should distance myself a little and not give him so much mindspace. But is that even possible? I've never ever (and that's the biggest Truth) met anybody as wonderful as him and I'm so taken away by him and I just wish he didn't lie and that he didn't keep telling me I'm not the most beautiful compared to other girls. He says it like it makes a huge difference to him.

And I'm really hurting today. I don't know why exactly I'm hurting so much. May be It's because I've realised I can't trust him the way I thought I could.

May be I should stand up for myself more and not give him the kind of importance I give him because that would mean I'm focusing on myself and being responsible towards my life, career and dreams.

It's not like he's told me he's leaving his wife ever. In fact, he's told me he's never leaving her and that really really hurts a lot. I don't think I should spend my time thinking about him all day long. I don't think he's ever got it that I actually love him very very deeply. I just wish he was a more Truthful person.

What exactly am I doing, journal? Why am I so enamoured by him?

It's his sentimentality and softness, and his wonderfully sweet persona and his tastes and his cute mind that I'm attracted to. I don't think I'll ever be able to leave him and I really hope he doesn't hurt me more than he already does. I really hope he's true to me and loyal to me and that some day we realise we've arrived some place really nice and that will be a milestone.

I pray each day for his happiness and his family's well-being and I think it's time to focus on myself and pick up the cudgels holding me back and cast them away.

I wish that my sweet Arun tides over any storm that might come his way. 

And I can stand atop the highest peak soon and be and make proud.

I love my parents. I won't hurt them further.

They've been very troubled that I'm spending so much time with him and from now on I'll get home at a decent hour so that I feel up to living my life and fulfilling the duties I owe to myself. 

I have this nagging thought that Arun will cheat on me and that he'll still go around with me and lie to me about it.

Because the day he said he was going to his friend's house and then told me he was at Salt and tried to convince me I feel he was with some girl. I know he was. And if he was why did he lie to me about it? Is he seeing some other girl too? Because the proximity of our homes does make it easy for him to meet me. I'm sure he was with some girl that day. And for a person like me who treats The Truth with so much respect I don't think I deserve these lies.

Why isn't he taking me to Salt today? I know he's hiding something. What should I do, journal? What should I do?

Love,

Me.

2.53 pm

Journal 10.5.2024 11.05 am

Dear Journal,

I had a slightly longish dream in the morning. I have often found that my dreams are prophetic. They reveal what is to come.

So I saw Sadhya and her parents being very sweet to me. And then Sadhya and her parents sitting on a boat and a guy (could be Bu) and John Abraham (who is known to be very kind) getting into an ocean's waters to go swimming.A dog (terrier) starts swimming with them when after some distance the dog bites John A viciously and keeps biting him.

I feel that this dream represents that kindness will not be returned in the subconscious mind.

Someone I love does not have kind thoughts about me. I think John A represented me.

Sadhya kept shouting in the dream: "Dee, Dee is that you?"

So, I think I must be more practical about emotional matters because my love will not be reciprocated.

That is what I feel. I've been having such disturbing dreams for a while now.

Love,

Me.

dog bite

You are seated on a boat

And I decide to swim

When all of a sudden

That bulldozer dives

And bites him.

You are worried 

About me and

I need my peace of mind.

Let's swim on to

Safer shores

Where the dog

We won't find.

Journal 9.5.2024 10.36 am Thursday

Dear Journal,

Ma and Pa are being very stingy about giving me money. They have always been that way.

I will not ask Arun for money. That is not right.

So after this packet of cigarettes is over I won't smoke cigarettes again. I've spent so much money on smoking cigarettes.

I wish Qud had never made me smoke cigarettes.

I hope to have a good day today.

Love,

Me

Journal 8.5.2024 10.45 pm Wednesday

Dear Journal,

Meeting Kamakshi made me realise what I already know that I don't need so many judgments and opinions from so many people. To each his own. Her life has made her tough and I wish her well. I hope life treats her far more kindly.

I came home and Pa didn't open the door and the heat had fried my brain and then we had a slight argument. I know that everybody has a million things on their minds and it's not always possible to be pleasant. I ate my dinner and said sorry to Pa and kissed him good night. I love Pa. He's always been adorable. Age has made him far more cute and adorable. I love how he stands up for himself these days, something he never did before. I love my dad. And even though people think otherwise I'm so happy I live with Ma and Pa and that I can afford to because I'm there with them at this age when I can truly give them all that love that a daughter gives her parents. Heat or no heat for the rest of this Summer I don't want to lose my cool with them. I love them. They are so much more open minded than most Indian parents and I'm so blessed for the upbringing I've received and I'm so blessed for their love.

I just spoke to Arun.

Living with Ma and Pa and all of life's experiences have actually taught me to value him. I really appreciate him and I'm so so grateful for him. I'm so blessed to have him and this sweet relationship that we have. I want to nurture this relationship.

A good job that is interesting, pays well and keeps me engaged will really perk me up and I hope I land one soon so that I can save, treat Arun on dates and contribute to the house. I hope the job also leads to the path of my dreams.

I wish I could kiss A good night tonight. I really want to. His cute, sweet face.

I think I'll make do with Ma and Pa and give them big sloppy kisses tonight.

I am grateful for everything.

Love,

Me.

11.05 pm

Kisses to all my loved ones.

My resources

Writing poetry

Writing in my journal

Writing plays

Listening to music

Reading good inspiring books

Watching inspiring videos

Meditation/contemplation

Spending harmonious times with loved ones

Watching good cinema

Eating chocolates or biryani

Prayer

Painting 

Sketching

Automatic writing

A good walk in Nature

Some rejuvenating yoga

Some refreshing pranayama

Coffee

Journal 8.5.2024 10.34 am

Dear Journal,

Today is Anamika's birthday.

I feel really sad that A did not gift me anything on my birthday, not even a rose. Well, he did take me out and yes he pays these days for all our dates.

He hasn't even invited me for the Salt party on Friday. I miss travelling with him in his car. And I'm scared that I'll lose him.

May be he doesn't want to mix me with his friends and may be he has things to hide and may be he still has a grouse with me.

I remember those days when he was so distant.

I'm sure I'll get a kind outcome to our bond.

Does he value me?

Is he upset with me?

I'm sure he goes with people to the mall.

And I don't know what he thinks of me these days. I'm feeling really very very sad that I've let my loved ones down.

The one thing I think is that people are the same with everyone. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they treat you.

Jaydee just called. I'll call him back.

Love,

Me.

Journal 8.5.2024 9.01 am Wednesday

Dear Journal,

I haven't been in the best of moods, and I must not obsess over Arun because whatever will be will be.

I feel a little sad and embarrassed.

Arun keeps talking about being scared that I'll slip. And that makes me feel like he may cast his net on other waters. I really wish he does not.

I feel because of this that the people who matter in my life may have lost their faith in me and that makes me very very sad. So sad that I could cry.

I did ask him the last time I met him about his fears but he kept quiet. I wish we could talk about it.

With this of course there is a resolve to live a meaningful, successful life, a happy life, a life that makes a difference.

I again woke up and switched on my music. I know, I know in my heart of hearts that I deserve success again and that happiness is mine for the asking.

God has blessed me with so much and taught me through experience the travails of human frailties.

Bu just messaged that Deepti's mother passed away. Life is so short. Ma and Pa are immensely valuable to me. People don't understand my love for Bu despite everything. It's this belief that he's my chotto.

Today is a better day than the last three days. And I hope in each moment I can muster the strength to be a better person than before and that the people who matter to me would forgive me for my digresses and embrace me and tell me that they believe in my worth and value me.

I love Ma. So much of her depth and vibrancy is in me.

So much of Pa's stoic heart and its ways I have inherited.

So much of Mashi's imagination is mine.

And there is so much I desire.

Nidhi told me the last time she met me: "That people may have abandoned you but don't abandon yourself."

May be life's experiences haven't always been very pleasant but that's everybody's story, right?

I remember this girl from French class, Ami, who thought she was very beautiful and was obsessed with her looks. She was, of course, very beautiful but her eyes were so sad.

With every obsession there's a downside.

With every desire come some obstacles.

With every ray of hope there are experiences to face.

And with every step I take I set a prayer.

Now, I'll have an amazing day and get on with my life.

I am grateful for many things. In fact, I'm grateful for all of life.

I am grateful for my handsome, charming boyfriend. I hope he never lets me down.

I am grateful for my beautiful, lovely Shona Ma.

I am grateful for my super suave Shona Pa.

I am grateful for my super handsome chotto bacha.

I am grateful for the times I've failed because without those times I wouldn't have valued

 people and I wouldn't have my new perspective on success and my newfound respect for life and people.

I am grateful for music that touches my soul.

I am grateful that my life is so valuable and that I'm leaving a deep impact on people and society.

I am grateful for writing.

I am grateful for reading. 

I am grateful that I woke up healthy, fit and fine today.

I am grateful for wisdom.

I am grateful for love and happiness.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for the doctors in my life.

I am grateful that I love Arun; he brings such deep meaning to my life and anything I say or do in expression falls short in depicting my true feelings. I hope we are always loyal and committed.

I am grateful for the beautiful trees around me and the chirping birds.

I am grateful for the vast sky and the deep oceans.

I am grateful for this beautiful home I call mine.

I am grateful for all the people I meet.

I am grateful for my mind, body and soul.

I am grateful for beauty.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings that shine through me.

I am grateful that I'm accepted and loved.

Love,

Me.

9.37 am

Journal 07.05.2024 8.04 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

Why doesn't Blogger have a search option? Neither did Livejournal.

I think it's time to quit smoking. I wouldn't feel any better whether I smoked or didn't. In fact, chances are that I'd find that I feel better if I didn't.

Yogitaji in her last class told us that just being able to be mindful all the time is a great victory.

That's such an amazing goal to have.

My foot is paining a lot and I'm sitting at Dr. Shinde's. 

I think my breathing problem is because of smoking and I'm really scared of the repercussions. That's also probably why I'm feeling so low.

Without putting all my eggs in one basket: I met three astrologers in a span of one year when I was breaking up with G. I don't know why I ever went to those guys but all of them were highly recommended. And I really don't want to put all my eggs there but they were so prophetic. Two of them were Nadi astrologers and I went to the second of them just to corroborate the information by the first. And both of them said the same thing. The second gave more information.

Let me talk about the Nadi astrologers later.

So of course my questions were all around my career, money, health and love life.

The one who Sivasankaran recommended did not tell me much about my time between the age of 33 and 38. I asked him if I would end up with G and he said mostly not. So when and who will it be, I asked.

He said that at the age of 38 I would likely meet a married man much older than me and he would be the one. And that I should not hesitate at the time. There would be great opposition from his side over me, but my family and friends would finally accept it. And he said that when I meet this man I should nurture the relationship and not try to run away from it. I told him i would never do a thing such as be with a married man. And he said this will happen. And that as life progresses i would realise that my choices are all unusual. Im very different and unusual in my thinking. He also said all the sufferings I have faced till the age of 40 will never happen again and that I would live a happy, prosperous life. He also said once in my life there would be a life threatening illness but I'll beat it and live a very happy and long life and that I should focus on my career instead of meeting astrologers. Of course, Chennai is the land of soothsayers and I was exploring it, I told him.

The Nadi guys were even more interesting. They picked out a palm leaf on which I think Rishi Agastya made predictions. I went to two of them just to check if they pick out the same palm leaf. And they did!

So the common things they said were that I'd end up with a man who lives close to a school and a temple, and that he'd be the youngest of three brothers (so was G) and that his name would start with A. And I asked, not G? And they said No. They said he would likely be a south Indian and so was G. And I hoped then that they were talking about G but they weren't.

They said I'd experience every luxury in life and sometimes there could be a slump but I have a happy life ahead of me.

The second one said I'd likely go to Hyderabad very soon where I have deep karma from a past life. And I did! I actually went to Hyderabad without knowing then that I would and went through hell there even though it's such a charming city. And I thought about this astrologer's predictions a lot.

He also said that at the age of 52 I would be blessed. What he said exactly was that at the age of 52 "Guru ka ashirwad Hai." I asked him what that means and he repeated: "Guru ka ashirwad Hai." Now, nobody till date has gripped my mind so much that I'd call them my Guru by the Indian sense of the word. And I think it would be splendid if I do meet someone like that.

I would never tell Kali all this because I don't want him to bolt away petrified and scared. But sometimes when I have a fight with him, or if I'm low or disappointed I think about these men. And I think about astrologers. And I think about fate and the future. And I think about God who has laid all these experiences out for me and carried me through and blessed me with His infinite grace.

And I hope Arun is the one. I sometimes feel scared that I'll be left crying and hurt. I actually love him very deeply. I've never felt like this before. Not even with G. This appreciation of his worth and beauty. And I do really think I love him more than he loves me because of course I'm bearing all the brickbats and I'm still choosing my love for him against all odds.

And I hope God eases all the pain that I sometimes feel and shines the light ahead and gives me far more gentle experiences.

Love,

Me.

8.54 pm

Journal 7.5.2024 6.39 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we were at this bar and we caught up with a guy we meet off and on and some new guy joined our table and Arun asked the new guy if he's married and he said no but that his mom insists he ties the knot.

And Arun said that tell your mom that you have wives everywhere and Ghar ke liye naukrani biwi rakh dete Hai Jo aapko bhi help karegi aur mujhe bhi. I think that's what he said. And that disturbed me a lot. Why did he say naukrani biwi?

Well, I didn't make a fuss then and I won't now but the joke was in very poor taste.

Also, he has been quite negative about himself. Even I've been in a very negative mood.

I'm sure that the fact that I'm kind of struggling at the moment does bother him but he's never brought it up. And I think that's really sweet of him. He's really very very sweet.

Also, the heat doesn't perk your mood up.

I really do love him. The reasons are plenty. He's a soft-hearted ogre, a talented person and a really good person. Even though he doesn't believe it, he's a gem of a human being and that's what keeps me with him.

But the fact that he's married really hurts me. Like the times he talks about his wife and how he took her out for a drink. Or how he gets into fights for his wife. Or the million other allusions.

Well, that's that.

I don't think I'll ever wilfully leave him and I do hope we never fight as we have. And I do hope I'm accorded more respect by him. I really wish he appreciated me more and didn't just harp on outer beauty which is meaningless for me.

He doesn't appreciate me easily and he's usually very critical of me. He's also very hard on himself. I don't think he appreciates my creativity and he's sparsely encouraging. In fact, he trashes my efforts and when he does he doesn't really give an informed feedback. And he's done that right from the start, and that makes me feel really sad. Because he's the one person whose feedback I'd appreciate apart from Ma's.

I love him the way I love Ma. Unconditionally. He disturbs me and yet he's affectionate. I really have fallen so deeply in love with him. I feel like I really understand him and I appreciate his soft sentimental heart immensely. I would never find another him nor an experience like him. And I do hope we always enjoy spending time with each other and that I can snap out of this negative mood that has gripped me. I'm sure it's the heat that's pulling me down.

I don't think this is the ideal relationship. But it's the most beautiful relationship I've had with a beautiful person.

I wish he saw it that way. And I wish he were true to me. Will he never be? What's the future I don't know but whatever it is I've left it all up to fate and God. I'm sure it'll all shape up well in the final countdown. All I really want is happiness.

I'll be taking a walk with Twinkle in some time. And hopefully I'll get to meet Kamakshi tomorrow. I'm so lucky for friends. I'm so lucky. Period.

Love,

Me.

6.56 pm

Discipline

What does pain look like?

It must be calloused and bleeding,

What if I paint about it with golden hues?

Then would it be receding?

A one-legged ostrich lays its eggs

Come rain or storm

And that is how we came about

When it was time to be born.

There are many hymns chanted together

Like the anthem of love and life,

And there is vigour in community

And inspiration in this rhyme.

Sometimes our thoughts waver

From the lofty lovely goal,

And that's when you can hold my hand

So that we can ease many wounds.

Together we are stronger, 

Together we are fine

Just as is the one-legged ostrich

Holding its pose in line.

-- Doel Sengupta