Can I be completely honest? Can I?
I've just come home after meeting Arun and I'm bleeding heavily.
I'm feeling very very sad. May be its just my period.
He has compared me and told me I'm not that beautiful before. Then why is he saying I'm the most beautiful girl now?
May be it's the song I sang for him yesterday. Or may be he just wants to get me into bed. Why are men like this? I'd rather have Truth than a host of lies. I'm sure I'm feeling this way because of my period. It's hormonal.
Besides I don't want to worry Ma and Pa. I love them and both of them have been looking really worried. So I don't want Pa to feel sad because of me.
I'm sure there are lots of things to hide. I've not said so many things. But I'm largely Truthful.
For some reason I've been feeling a little sad. Should I even be with a married man? I can't leave him to honour my love and my emotions. And I don't think I ever will. Because I do love him. The future is such a quandary.
I don't feel like sleeping with Arun just because he says I'm the most beautiful girl or the most sexy. That's such a lie. Liar. Liar.
And I'd rather have a man who appreciates me for my worth and values me for my good qualities and not just superficially. But I guess men are like that with women.
And then it's the added pressure of being told how much he values beauty. I'd like for once just to not have to look good to be appreciated.
Besides I really really want to focus on my career. That's something that will bring me a lot of satisfaction. I haven't written an iota of my novel today. Also may be I should give the Pepper team a call tomorrow.
I think I'll take a nice bath now. Clean my room. Eat my dinner. And crash to sleep.
Besides there's that added worry. He said he wants to leave by 4, 5 o clock but we left by 8. If I hadn't insisted we would have left later. That really hurt. That managing time can be so manipulated according to whims and that I'm probably not priority. But that's alright; I got into this whole thing knowing that.
I think I've just been feeling low for the past week or two.
Also my awesome yoga class has come to an end and that really makes me cry.
Alen messaged me today saying he's getting married. I am so happy for him. I don't think I'll make it for the wedding but Jaydee and Joel and the gang will have so much fun. I love my friends. I love Jaydee and Alen. Joel not so much but he's also fine. I'm so happy for Alen. He deserves love in his life. I remember his ex Hema who he adored and who broke his heart. Which reminds me that heartbreaks do happen and life is not always rosy. So I should always be prepared because God, of course, has his own plans. As Samir sir said. "How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans."
I think I'll have a bath, eat my dinner and call Jaydee.
I really miss my friends. All my close friends are all so physically far away. I miss Qudsiya. I hope all is well with her and that Haroon is not troubling her. Somehow I always feel it's not so rosy in her life and she doesn't really tell me the truth when we get on a call.
I have to wish Momo and Rash on their birthday. Also, I must do my asanas and Pranayamas tomorrow. Also, I must not smoke so many cigarettes.
Surprisingly Manisha sent me some beautiful pictures of Oregon Beach and Jellyfish yesterday. It's so nice to connect with her. She's so peaceful and wise.
Should I call Shanky up? I should, right? I can't lose him the way I lost Panku.
I'm not miserable. But I'm not upbeat. And I must put my finger on it. I think it's probably my career and all the fears and worries surrounding it.
I am grateful for life and it's many experiences.
I'm grateful for Arun.
I'm grateful for Ma and Pa and Bu and Sadhya.
I'm grateful for Grace, and love, and the many blessings in my life.
I'm grateful for all the food I ate today.
I'm grateful for the wonderful date I had today.
I'm grateful for my beautiful mind, body and soul.
I'm grateful for my beautiful heart.
I'm grateful for my beautiful home.
I'm grateful for Nidhi.
I'm grateful for all my friends.
I do love life and life is a blessing.
Love,
Me.
9.10 pm
No comments:
Post a Comment