I love my life. I am so blessed, so fortunate to teach Neetaji Yoga. The Yoga Institute has asked me to help with being her teacher. They aren't paying me because it's an internship. But I love her and I love guiding her. I love seeing her face light up in a smile when I crack a joke. And I love making people smile.
The Yoga institute had briefed me that she is a depressed aged woman who needs extra care.
When I first met her last week, she talked a lot. She told me that for years she's had a uti infection and that her husband had taken her for every test possible. But no problem cropped up in the tests. Her children are getting old and she is paranoid about their future. Finally, after years of meeting the gynaecologist the doctor told her that her uterus and urinary tract are in excellent condition and the pains she feels are just psychological. She needs to practise Yoga and seek counselling. What a lovely problem to have! I love her so much. The other teachers have complained about her and have even told me that she's a handful. But she's very receptive and very smart and she looks so young. She doesn't look like she's in her 60s at all. She asks intelligent questions and I'm so grateful to teach her. I think I'll do this for some more time because it's bringing me so much happiness. And I'll plan her lessons carefully.
Yesterday, on the phone Arun said he's scared I'll find someone else. And that completely shattered my heart and I wept. Because I've given him indications to feel insecure about my love for him. In that moment I decided as I cried that I won't even look at any other guy. And I really won't. No matter how much he troubles me.
I just wish he could see how beautiful he is as a person and what a lovely, good humanbeing he is and if I could just make him see himself the way I see him he would be far happier. I love my boyfriend. I've never said that about any other guy.
I was so sad last night that I asked him to drop by so that I could kiss him and smell him. And for once he did that. And just because he did that I stopped crying and slept a beautiful deep sleep. I really do love him. And I'll always, always be true to him.
Remembering that today, took my mind to a few incidents from a few years before when I regularly went to Rkm for Gita lectures.
Then Swami Devakatyananda had scolded me in front of everyone.
"Your name is Doel, right?" I have no clue how he knew my name. I must be notorious.
"You are reading too deeply into Buddhist literature. The literature is fuddling your brain. What you read has a deep impact on your mind, remember that."
And I had the audacity to argue with him and I told him that I felt Buddhism was my calling.
Those days for many years I did feel I had a deep connection to Buddhism and I explained that to him and we had a proper shouting match in front of everybody at rkm.
I explained that I understand all the Buddhist concepts so easily that I must be meant to be a Buddhist. And he vehemently opposed me in front of everybody.
I used to so feel like a mystic all those years, and walk around like a mystic and talk like a mystic. And sometimes I've been very confused and very befuddled and said illogical things and behaved erratically. I remembered this because Arun keeps telling me that he is worried I'll slip again. And that really bothers me. I wish the people I so deeply adore and love had more faith in me. He's one of my soul and I wish I could make him see that.
Swami Devakatyananda told me I have to stop studying Buddhism like this because it is affecting my mind.
Then he said:"Just pray to God once a day and you'll be fine. And don't fear anything. Don't be scared. Nothing you fear will ever come to pass. Face your life courageously and bravely."
I loved being his student and I hope he wanted to be my teacher those years. He did care enough to point out my error. And after all these years I realised he cared so much that he scolded me like that in front of everybody. And I see sense in his words today. Those days I didn't as I got steeped into Buddhism. And now I know that sometimes you may think something is very good for you but it may not be. And I'm glad he pointed it out to me.
I wish his Gita lectures were still on. I'd definitely go for it. He always made me laugh.
And I hope that I can be my own anchor because I am responsible for my own happiness and I wish myself a good day ahead today. I am responsible for being the light that delights the world.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for my wonderful life.
I am grateful for my sweet Boyfriend. I hope I can make him feel loved. I am grateful for all that comes with him.
I am grateful for my wonderful parents. I wish I'm successful at easing their worries.
I am grateful for my heroic brother.
I am grateful for my teachers. God has blessed me with wonderful Teachers.
I am grateful to teach Neetaji. She's an able student.
I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.
I am grateful for Nature.
I am grateful for the food I eat.
I am grateful for all I write and read.
I am grateful for love and life.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful to have found Arun.
I am grateful for this beautiful day and I hope to make the best of it.
3.32 pm
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