Why, Oh why is this a world of men? And how must I navigate these torrents?
Today I woke up at 9 and immediately messaged A like I always do. But he didn't call me till 1 pm that too after I called him and he didn't pick up. He said he can't hear his phone ring.
I had a beautiful date with him last evening. Hearing him saying Happy Anniversary was such an overwhelming feeling and seeing him smile tugged at my heart strings like always.
But we are always quick to say goodbye on the phone.
I went for yoga class in the morning and class was very manageable since only Neetaji and Arunaji were there. It gave me ample time to lie in Shavasana, which is so relaxing.
Then Raghav messaged and I went to meet him.
He had sent me the audition lines that I am yet to do.
He was just kind of talking about his emotional issues and then he said Will You Go Out With Me. And I said I Have A Boyfriend and I Really Love Him.
And he said Your Boyfriend Is So Lucky Because You Are So Intelligent, So Nice And So Beautiful. And I told him I would never date him because he's not my type. He said Fine Let's Be Friends.
Now, this is not a big deal. And yet it is.
Wherever I go, whenever it comes to work whether it be Bodhi, or Ns, or N, or V or T or B or AM or NA or Sl (all the men I talk to these days) all of them have propositioned me and don't seem to be serious about work.
Then my friends say that Men Are Like That. They'd say I Love You to Any Girl. And I believe that today having heard Arun say I Love You Baby to his friends. May be men say I Love You to everyone and really like to keep their options open. (They never know when the chance will arise.)
I have never cheated on any man. And I have integrity enough to never break anyone's trust and I'm really serious about work. I would never take advantage of a man or a woman.
And I want God to give me the strength to navigate this world of men, carve my niche and transform it into a world of strong women.
I really miss Qud. And I miss having a gang of women friends. That is why despite everything it was really nice to meet Kamakshi the other day.
After I came back home, I messaged Arun and called him up. He didn't pick up.
Then Raghav sent me some messages with smileys and my mind went to all the times Arun has hurt me telling me not to call him back to back twice and not to message him in the middle of a meeting-- Times he's been harsh may be because he's been in two minds about me. I felt sad thinking about times when he may have lied to me. And then Wisdom told me that nothing is perfect and that I should cherish what I have. Nobody and noone is perfect. Neither am I.
Then he called me half an hour later and we got talking and somewhere into the conversation I felt that he wanted me to say Bye so a little later I did say Bye.
I really do love him. Whenever I'm laid at these kind of roads when it comes to him I remind myself of his beautiful heart and sweet soul that reflects on his handsome face and all the reasons I love him. I definitely love him more.
And along with strength I wish God would grant me a boon-- that I am valued and loved for who I am, and encouraged and nurtured for my inner beauty, and that I am accepted just as I am without anyone comparing me and wishing I was any different; that I am valued.
Now, these messages from Raghav have really dwindled my enthusiasm but I shall muster it sometime today.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful that I slept well last night and that Arun also slept well.
I am grateful for my sweet Boyfriend.
I am grateful for my awesome parents.
I am grateful that Yoga class was so good today.
I'm grateful for work.
I am grateful for all the yummy food I ate today.
I am grateful for Dimma and Dadu who I thought about today. I really really miss Dimma.
I am grateful for all my friends.
I am grateful that I've finally snapped out of my inertia.
I am grateful for Chotto. He is such a good boy and Sadhya is so lucky to have him.
I am grateful for this Journal.
I am grateful for love and life.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on me and my loved ones.
7.45 pm
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