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I think it's time to quit smoking. I wouldn't feel any better whether I smoked or didn't. In fact, chances are that I'd find that I feel better if I didn't.
Yogitaji in her last class told us that just being able to be mindful all the time is a great victory.
That's such an amazing goal to have.
My foot is paining a lot and I'm sitting at Dr. Shinde's.
I think my breathing problem is because of smoking and I'm really scared of the repercussions. That's also probably why I'm feeling so low.
Without putting all my eggs in one basket: I met three astrologers in a span of one year when I was breaking up with G. I don't know why I ever went to those guys but all of them were highly recommended. And I really don't want to put all my eggs there but they were so prophetic. Two of them were Nadi astrologers and I went to the second of them just to corroborate the information by the first. And both of them said the same thing. The second gave more information.
Let me talk about the Nadi astrologers later.
So of course my questions were all around my career, money, health and love life.
The one who Sivasankaran recommended did not tell me much about my time between the age of 33 and 38. I asked him if I would end up with G and he said mostly not. So when and who will it be, I asked.
He said that at the age of 38 I would likely meet a married man much older than me and he would be the one. And that I should not hesitate at the time. There would be great opposition from his side over me, but my family and friends would finally accept it. And he said that when I meet this man I should nurture the relationship and not try to run away from it. I told him i would never do a thing such as be with a married man. And he said this will happen. And that as life progresses i would realise that my choices are all unusual. Im very different and unusual in my thinking. He also said all the sufferings I have faced till the age of 40 will never happen again and that I would live a happy, prosperous life. He also said once in my life there would be a life threatening illness but I'll beat it and live a very happy and long life and that I should focus on my career instead of meeting astrologers. Of course, Chennai is the land of soothsayers and I was exploring it, I told him.
The Nadi guys were even more interesting. They picked out a palm leaf on which I think Rishi Agastya made predictions. I went to two of them just to check if they pick out the same palm leaf. And they did!
So the common things they said were that I'd end up with a man who lives close to a school and a temple, and that he'd be the youngest of three brothers (so was G) and that his name would start with A. And I asked, not G? And they said No. They said he would likely be a south Indian and so was G. And I hoped then that they were talking about G but they weren't.
They said I'd experience every luxury in life and sometimes there could be a slump but I have a happy life ahead of me.
The second one said I'd likely go to Hyderabad very soon where I have deep karma from a past life. And I did! I actually went to Hyderabad without knowing then that I would and went through hell there even though it's such a charming city. And I thought about this astrologer's predictions a lot.
He also said that at the age of 52 I would be blessed. What he said exactly was that at the age of 52 "Guru ka ashirwad Hai." I asked him what that means and he repeated: "Guru ka ashirwad Hai." Now, nobody till date has gripped my mind so much that I'd call them my Guru by the Indian sense of the word. And I think it would be splendid if I do meet someone like that.
I would never tell Kali all this because I don't want him to bolt away petrified and scared. But sometimes when I have a fight with him, or if I'm low or disappointed I think about these men. And I think about astrologers. And I think about fate and the future. And I think about God who has laid all these experiences out for me and carried me through and blessed me with His infinite grace.
And I hope Arun is the one. I sometimes feel scared that I'll be left crying and hurt. I actually love him very deeply. I've never felt like this before. Not even with G. This appreciation of his worth and beauty. And I do really think I love him more than he loves me because of course I'm bearing all the brickbats and I'm still choosing my love for him against all odds.
And I hope God eases all the pain that I sometimes feel and shines the light ahead and gives me far more gentle experiences.
Love,
Me.
8.54 pm
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