I met Nidhi today. It's so good to have her to talk to.
I then called Arun because I just wanted to hear his voice. I think he was doing something he didn't want to share with me; that is what I sensed in his tone.
He is there; that's a great relief but he's not so supportive; he never encourages or praises me, and he never does anything that shows support. And we don't do anything but drink together.
Frankly, when we were in Salt me going to office late and then leaving early with him to go to the mall not only caused my salary to be slashed but also resulted in a job loss.
I'm sure he takes other girls to the mall these days. Why wouldn't he? It's so easy to just go and sit there and have a drink. And he lies so much. I feel a great trust deficit now that I know he's not so honest and truthful. But he thinks that being honest about the fact that he finds other girls more beautiful than me is some kind of service to me.
He is very loving that is true but I wish he was there for me in other ways like an anchor. I've never discussed my dreams and goals with him because I don't think he is interested. The few times I've started talking about such things he's changed the topic and started talking about other things.
I don't really share a lot with him and even then I do. May be that's my Truth right now that I'm not revealing too much to anybody. But I did open up in yoga class and I do talk to Nidhi.
I really wish he didn't lie so easily. It really hurts to know that I'm being lied to.
And I'm sure he lies to his wife and keeps that relationship going.
And he lies to me and keeps this relationship going. That's a huge big character flaw something he will probably never get rid of. I don't think I can trust him because he lies so freely. May be I should distance myself a little and not give him so much mindspace. But is that even possible? I've never ever (and that's the biggest Truth) met anybody as wonderful as him and I'm so taken away by him and I just wish he didn't lie and that he didn't keep telling me I'm not the most beautiful compared to other girls. He says it like it makes a huge difference to him.
And I'm really hurting today. I don't know why exactly I'm hurting so much. May be It's because I've realised I can't trust him the way I thought I could.
May be I should stand up for myself more and not give him the kind of importance I give him because that would mean I'm focusing on myself and being responsible towards my life, career and dreams.
It's not like he's told me he's leaving his wife ever. In fact, he's told me he's never leaving her and that really really hurts a lot. I don't think I should spend my time thinking about him all day long. I don't think he's ever got it that I actually love him very very deeply. I just wish he was a more Truthful person.
What exactly am I doing, journal? Why am I so enamoured by him?
It's his sentimentality and softness, and his wonderfully sweet persona and his tastes and his cute mind that I'm attracted to. I don't think I'll ever be able to leave him and I really hope he doesn't hurt me more than he already does. I really hope he's true to me and loyal to me and that some day we realise we've arrived some place really nice and that will be a milestone.
I pray each day for his happiness and his family's well-being and I think it's time to focus on myself and pick up the cudgels holding me back and cast them away.
I wish that my sweet Arun tides over any storm that might come his way.
And I can stand atop the highest peak soon and be and make proud.
I love my parents. I won't hurt them further.
They've been very troubled that I'm spending so much time with him and from now on I'll get home at a decent hour so that I feel up to living my life and fulfilling the duties I owe to myself.
I have this nagging thought that Arun will cheat on me and that he'll still go around with me and lie to me about it.
Because the day he said he was going to his friend's house and then told me he was at Salt and tried to convince me I feel he was with some girl. I know he was. And if he was why did he lie to me about it? Is he seeing some other girl too? Because the proximity of our homes does make it easy for him to meet me. I'm sure he was with some girl that day. And for a person like me who treats The Truth with so much respect I don't think I deserve these lies.
Why isn't he taking me to Salt today? I know he's hiding something. What should I do, journal? What should I do?
Love,
Me.
2.53 pm
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