I haven't really been in a very positive frame of mind. And I'm very very scared that Arun will leave me.
He doesn't really talk to me much about things these days like he used to. And when I asked him last night he said he doesn't want to sound repetitive. He did look happy and handsome. I think he has someone to talk to these days or may be the old things on his mind are not on his mind anymore. However, I feel that our relationship has transformed and I've been feeling really low.
I myself have been feeling awfully low.
So Simit Bhagat came home. And we caught up on a lot of things. I was dressed, well, for home. And Simit said that we should go for a drive. And I went.
Then at Bandra on the Highway was a man lying drunk. And Simit called up the cops and waited till they came to get the man away. That was really nice and conscientious. And I wish Arun would also do something like that. May be he'd just drive past.
At home Simit studied my handwriting and we chatted about the Amit Mayekar case, and he asked me to pick cards for him.
I did. His cards were really good. And then I picked for myself and there was the three of swords again. Has Arun betrayed me?
That three of swords keeps coming up in my readings.
I've been feeling that life is not getting anywhere for a really long time. It was never like this before. Earlier opportunities always came knocking at my door and I'm not used to this struggle. It's all my doing. And my own emotional issues that have caused this. My own acting out.
I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.
On Wednesday we mark a year of knowing each other. Knowing Arun it won't be anything special, there won't be a gift or anything and we'll languish in Bottles.
I really feel like I'm losing him. And I wish he was nicer, you know, in a way. Not so harsh, not so critical of me. And I wish he was generally nicer. He is a sweetheart, a gem of a person. May be he doesn't love me the way he used to. Or may be he's found someone else who has caught his fancy.
He also said he likes it that I'm so easygoing. I don't have any demands. But I do. But I do keep in mind that he's always out of money at the end of the month and I don't want him to spend so much on our dates. But it would be nice I feel if he took me to places that are more fun.
I also called up Kcs Iyer today who gave me good forebodings.
Let's see. It's my own frame of mind that is causing this kind of an outlook.
Also, of course Yoga Institute called up today and asked me to train a woman who is struggling with depression.
That class was fun.
It seems that Arun is not interested in me. He always changes the topic when I talk these days. Earlier, he used to be all attention.
Well, wisdom says of course change is the only constant and relationships also transform.
We also fought in the morning. My doing, or his doing we fought.
I've been feeling very negative and having a lot of sexual thoughts. My mind needs a dose of sattva. A dose of peace and a dose of positivity.
Also, Pa has been really stern.
I think I'll take a shower now and fall asleep.
Yoga Institute also messaged and said I've got good ratings from all the teachers.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful that I went for a drive with Simit. I really needed it. And it was nice talking to him.
I am grateful that I went and taught Yoga today. Voila! I can teach Yoga!
I am grateful for Arun. It's not the same anymore. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse. Or maybe it's the same. Or may be I've got it all wrong in my head.
I am grateful for Ma and Pa and their support.
I am grateful for the food I eat. I'm so grateful that I don't have to struggle for food.
I am grateful that I did find this wonderful person called Arun Diwakar. I am grateful for the small ways in which he lights up my day.
I am grateful for the many sweet things he says that touch my heart and I'm grateful that he's there in my life.
I am grateful that some people do value me. And it feels nice to be valued.
I'm grateful that I write this Journal.
I am grateful for my smile. It suits my face :p
I am grateful that Arun took me to that Nagpuri place the other day and then to watch Srikanth. That was fun.
I am grateful that Neha J said good things about me.
I am grateful for my heart, mind and body that only do the work of love.
I am grateful that I have Bu. He's a great support.
I am grateful for my vibrant future.
I am grateful for life.
I'm grateful that I love.
1 am
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