Yesterday we were at this bar and we caught up with a guy we meet off and on and some new guy joined our table and Arun asked the new guy if he's married and he said no but that his mom insists he ties the knot.
And Arun said that tell your mom that you have wives everywhere and Ghar ke liye naukrani biwi rakh dete Hai Jo aapko bhi help karegi aur mujhe bhi. I think that's what he said. And that disturbed me a lot. Why did he say naukrani biwi?
Well, I didn't make a fuss then and I won't now but the joke was in very poor taste.
Also, he has been quite negative about himself. Even I've been in a very negative mood.
I'm sure that the fact that I'm kind of struggling at the moment does bother him but he's never brought it up. And I think that's really sweet of him. He's really very very sweet.
Also, the heat doesn't perk your mood up.
I really do love him. The reasons are plenty. He's a soft-hearted ogre, a talented person and a really good person. Even though he doesn't believe it, he's a gem of a human being and that's what keeps me with him.
But the fact that he's married really hurts me. Like the times he talks about his wife and how he took her out for a drink. Or how he gets into fights for his wife. Or the million other allusions.
Well, that's that.
I don't think I'll ever wilfully leave him and I do hope we never fight as we have. And I do hope I'm accorded more respect by him. I really wish he appreciated me more and didn't just harp on outer beauty which is meaningless for me.
He doesn't appreciate me easily and he's usually very critical of me. He's also very hard on himself. I don't think he appreciates my creativity and he's sparsely encouraging. In fact, he trashes my efforts and when he does he doesn't really give an informed feedback. And he's done that right from the start, and that makes me feel really sad. Because he's the one person whose feedback I'd appreciate apart from Ma's.
I love him the way I love Ma. Unconditionally. He disturbs me and yet he's affectionate. I really have fallen so deeply in love with him. I feel like I really understand him and I appreciate his soft sentimental heart immensely. I would never find another him nor an experience like him. And I do hope we always enjoy spending time with each other and that I can snap out of this negative mood that has gripped me. I'm sure it's the heat that's pulling me down.
I don't think this is the ideal relationship. But it's the most beautiful relationship I've had with a beautiful person.
I wish he saw it that way. And I wish he were true to me. Will he never be? What's the future I don't know but whatever it is I've left it all up to fate and God. I'm sure it'll all shape up well in the final countdown. All I really want is happiness.
I'll be taking a walk with Twinkle in some time. And hopefully I'll get to meet Kamakshi tomorrow. I'm so lucky for friends. I'm so lucky. Period.
Love,
Me.
6.56 pm
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