Journal 1.11.2024 11.05 am Missing

Dear Journal,

I have been thinking a lot about A. I really really love him and I miss him.

In the morning a little before I woke up I had a dream that Kar from yi called me up and was requesting me to go ahead with the project.

Wang's book is an eyeopener. It leaves me feeling very vulnerable.

I am feeling:

Emotional 

Sentimental 

Nostalgic

Full of love

Teary

Love,

Me.

11.08 am

Journal 31.10.2024 8.39 pm Wang me touche

 Cher Journal,

Le livre de Esme Wang me touche comme si rien n'a l'avait ete avant. Je me suis reveille assez tard aujourd'hui.

Je ne peux pas pardonner maman pour ne me laissee inviter mes amis pour le mariage de Buro.

Je pense que maman est vraiment negative. Aujourd'hui elle a encore appellee Pipi ennuyeuse. Elle essaie. Et j'essaie.

J'utilise trois heures pour completer mes ablutions du matin. Le solleile brille mais je me suis promenee et j'ai aussi fait le yoga.

J'ai etudiee le francais et maintenant je divertis Diljit et Priti aunty. Je pense que tout me juge.

Lisant le livre de Wang, je reflechis que c'est assez important de prendre les medicaments quand on souffre mentalement. Les problemes du sante mentale sont stigmasation. C'est mon guerre et je gagne.

Je n'ai pas simplement l'espoir mais je vais secouer le monde.

Je suis reconnaissant pour tous mes benedictions.

Aujourd'hui Buchchu a me donne les ecouteurs. Je l'aime.

Merci,

Moi. 

8.57 pm

Journal 31.10.2024 10.59 am Dream of a white cow on Diwali

Dear Journal,

It's Diwali!

I fell asleep rather late and woke up late as a result. I saw a very complicated dream that I don't remember but I do remember seeing that I had bought a white cow that I was going to milk.

Priti aunty and Diljit will be coming home in the evening. Should be a fun day.

I have a lot of work on my schedule for the day so should get going.

I am feeling:

A little edgy

Happy

Hopeful

Eager to face the future

Full of love

I am grateful for Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for all the books I read.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life with its various experiences and people who make it exciting.

Love,

Me.

11.04 am

Journal 30.10.2024 11.28 pm Esme Wang

Dear Journal,

Esme Wang's book is all heart and pierces me right where it should.

I must take care of my mental health. That is my top priority. I'm so grateful that Wang makes such a poignant case of mental illness. The stigma is real.

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly regretful

Aware

Full of love

Hopeful

Shining on

I am grateful for my life.

Love,

Me. 

11.31 pm

Journal 30.10.2024 8.53 pm Je ne vais jamais oublier

 Cher Journal,

J'ai vu A avant hier lorsque j'ai retournee du medecin. Il semblait contenu. Il regardait son portable. Mon coeur s'emballa est j'ai le sentiment que je ne lui pas aime toujours.

J'ai lui envoye un peu de messages disant ceci. Hier j'etais vraiment triste et les emotions negatives inonde mon coeur. J'ai oubliee completement que c'etait l'anniversaire de Sadhya.

Pendant le soir Maman a envoyee une message dans le groupe familliale et j'esperais que la soiree me metait une disposition geniale.

Nous nous sommes alles a Sorozai. Papa a payee le bill et je suis triste de ca. J'ai resoluee que quand nous partons le prochaine fois je vais payer pour le dejeuner. Le bill etait de 10k roupies.

Je suis reconnaisant pour ma famille aimante car la soiree m'a laissee hereuse.

Aujourd'hui j'ai visitee le banque avec Papa. J'ai aussi cherchee le travail du enseigneur anglais. Je decide de passer mes examens tefl. J'ai aussi etudiee le francais.

Maintenant je suis contente. Bien sur, j'aime toujours A. Le couer a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pas.

Je suis reconnaissant pour ma belle vie avec tous ses experiences et tous les personnes qui jouent les roles varies dans ce.

Je me sens hereuse.

Je me sens contente.

Je me sens espoir.

J sens l'amour et l'amite a tous.

Je me sens accompli.

Bisous,

Moi. 

9.20 pm

Journal 28.10.2024 5.55 pm The love may disappear

Dear Journal,

After seeing A today in his passing car even I feel I don't love him so much anymore. May be I don't want to meet him anymore.

Of course I love him the way I love humanity and I appreciate all his good qualities but I feel I'm losing my love for him. If I was with him I would have been patient and wait for the flames to be aroused again but unfortunately I feel the flames are being doused. And of course there is no chance of rekindling the fire since we don't meet or talk. It's also the effect of all the dreams I've been having of him.

So much for that!

I've been unwell the past three days and I think I should rest. I really feel nauseous.

I know A is not kind to me when he talks about me. And I think this phase is going to pass by very soon.

Today in the morning Pa was so loving towards me just the way he used to be when I was a child. I love my father. No man can come close to my father.

I am feeling:

Hurt

Happy

Nauseous

Loving

I am grateful for life with all its experiences and all the people who feature in it.

Love,

Me.

6.03 pm

Journal 28.10.2024 1.11 pm A sight of coincidence

Dear Journal,

I've been feeling positively nauseous for the past few days. After puking last night I took myself off to Dr Shinde's this morning. He isn't sitting at his clinic in the evenings so the wait was long as there were many people to see him. I poured myself into Richard Causton in the mean time.

The doctor said that I have a mild acidity problem. I discussed with him my feelings of guilt and my career. It's always nice to talk to Dr Shinde. He told me to focus on my writing. Everyone from Na Bho to Ga Sha has been telling me that. In fact, once someone reads anything I've written they tell me to focus on writing. Even Nidhi says that the little she has read of what I've written she feels that I'm a really gifted writer.

As I was walking back, all unkempt and baked in the sun, I checked the number of a car coming towards me. I realised that it's Arun's car. I saw him sitting in his car with a cigarette, all happy and serene. He must have seen me too but avoided eye contact.

It was in that moment that I absolutely realised that he has definitely moved on.

And as I proceeded homeward, I resolved to move on too.

Yesterday, after a very successful meeting in the morning, Ga Sha came home. We talked about so many things in the six hours that we spent together. We had tons of coffee, tea and polished off a whole bottle of wine together, munching snacks. I sauted some American corn for him to relish. He is such a nice person. I would really love to be friends with him.

I read him my play and he was super excited. Interesting chap he is.

He was also very respectful towards Ma.

I came home at 8.30 after taking him to Kis Kon. I had a Tarot session with someone at night. And that went off well too.

Really, Dr Shinde is right I don't need to beat myself down. I have lots of things to be grateful for. And I know, in fact I'm absolutely sure that life will turn out absolutely fine.

It's always fun to meet theatre friends. I really look forward to working with Ga Sha in the realm of theatre.

After sighting A today after months of not having seen his face, and seeing how happy and peaceful he looked, I have never been more confronted wholly with the smallness of me. In the larger scheme of things I'm a human who is trying to make a difference in small ways. I will make a change. In fact, I am the change.

Life is good and I feel good.

Yesterday Ga Sha said that despite everything I'm not in a vaccum and that's a great blessing. I am not. I was also so surprised to know that he practises Buddhism. We didn't really discuss Buddhism though. Our entire conversation was centred on theatre and I'm super excited to have met him.

I am feeling:

Whole

Full of love

Immensely grateful 

Futureward-bound

Happy

A little unwell but this shall pass

Sweet

Plain

Eager to implement all the things I'm learning

Confused whether I should finish Richard Causton after lunch or write. Will do both.

I am grateful for my wonderful life.

I am grateful that I met Ga Sha.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for my lovely loving family.

I am grateful that I'm working.

I am grateful that I got a glimpse of A today. It's really time to pack my bags and take off.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for my blessed home and my room.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I have across the three existences.

I am really feeling good.

Love,

Me.

1.40 pm

Journal 28.10.2024 8.16 am

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream a while ago in which I saw Q, Bunny, A Mehta (haven't seen her in a while), some other people attending an event. NA bho messages me in the dream that he is shooting in Solapur and I request Ma to accompany me to Solapur. She is very harsh with me in the dream.

I googled the meaning. It means that I have feelings of guilt. Yes, yes I do.

I also saw a poster which highlights Buro's achievements in football.

The dream was a little complicated and I don't remember all the details. Q was fussing over her son in the dream.

Well, well.

I had a great time yesterday with Ga Sha. I'll write about it later.

I am feeling:

Sleepy and groggy

Happy

Ready to take on the day

Really feel like quitting smoking

Hopeful

Eager

Concerned

I am grateful that I slept well last night.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for this wonderful day.

I am grateful for love and life.

I can't let this day pass by without contributing to it well.

Love,

Me.

8.24 pm

Journal 27.10.2024 7.48 am Dreaming of office

Dear Journal,

I've finished doing Vaman Dhauti, Jal Neti and my Pranayam and I'll get on with my day.

I just woke up from a dream where I saw myself working with A in the same office. He told me that he doesn't love me. I was preparing for some meeting in the dream where I planned to talk about newspapers. Then I woke up.

I really hope today's zadankai goes well. I'm the speaker and I wish my experience is well accepted.

I think I'll skip going for a walk today and sit and chant and do yoga and then prepare for the meeting.

Today is going to be an excellent day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Lovely

Awake

Fresh

Refreshed from a good night's sleep

Sweet

I am grateful for my wonderful life with all its experiences and the people who grace it. I'm grateful for this wonderful day.

Love,

Me.

7.53 am

Journal 26.10.2024 6.55 pm Lies

Dear Journal,

I am sitting at the exact same spot where I sat with Sa Li and his friend Ch yesterday on the building bench. I've just returned from a meeting with De.

Yesterday Ch wanted to smoke hookah and as a result we were out till about 1.30. Of course, I slept rather late.

The conversation was centred around dating experiences and I found it boring.

I woke up well after 8 in the morning and I skipped doing yoga. I'll do my yoga now after I'm back home.

The entire day was spent fixing breakfast and then perfecting the chicken biryani that everyone loved. Frankly, I think the biryani could have been better.

More than all the lies we tell in the world it is the lies that we tell ourselves that are most harmful. Life requires to face circumstances squarely and head on.

A healthy dose of optimism is a must, of course.

I know that if I can get some writing done each day I'll go very far. But then I pick up that book and all my good intentions towards my goals gets lost. I love reading.

Today De Jh has asked some girl to call me up at 9. So I'm looking forward to that.

I am feeling:

Very good

Optimistic with a tinge of fear

Happy 

Hopeful

Full of love

Fit and toned because of the yoga

Appreciative and grateful for life's many blessings

I must wish everyone well. Life is too short to be jealous or begrudge someone else in turn begrudging our own lives. I must not judge other people poorly.

Everybody has a story and people are all battling some adversity by the time they reach adulthood.

Today Buro came home and there was a huge heated discussion around two huge mattresses. I love my funny crazy family.

Yesterday P Kum sent me lots of messages. I did not message him back so that I don't give him the wrong impression. I am not interested in dating him in whatever manner or capacity.

Tonight is going to be a good good night.

I am grateful for my morning routine.

I am grateful for my lovely parents.

I am grateful for my sweet brother and his sweet wife.

I am grateful for Melon and Kit Kat. Today Kit Kat got an injection at the vet's and was in a lot of pain.

I am grateful for the small and big ways in which I serve humanity. 

I am grateful that I am a beacon of hope.

I am grateful that I got the chance to cook for my family today.

I am grateful for all my friends like Sa Li. He is a really good boy.

I am grateful for all my clothes.

I am grateful for all my books.

I am grateful for this beautiful, wonderful life with all its blessings.

I am grateful that my poetry book is going to be out soon. I look forward to it.

I am grateful for this Journal.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for the beautiful future that lies ahead.

I am grateful for love.

Love,

Me.

7.18 pm

Journal 26.10.2024 8.32 am Hookahs and more

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I really love A a lot in the dream. I do love him a lot. I still do.

Last night Sa Li came over with a friend Ch. We went to a hookah bar and sat and discussed dating. It was fun.

I miss A.

Today I am going to whip up a nice chicken biryani. That's going to be good.

I am feeling:

Happy

Healthy

Eager to face the day

Loving

Lovely

Peaceful 

Optimistic

I have started using Google calendars. It should make me more geared.

I am grateful for this beautiful life with all its people and all its experiences. 

Love,

Me.

8.37 am

Journal 25.10.2024 7.42 am Dream of plagiarism

Dear Journal,

I woke up well over 25 minutes ago from a dream where I saw my ideas being plagiarized by Darl, Josh and A. It really upset me in the dream.

I also saw myself trying to buy beautiful clothes and jewellery from street stalls but not actually buying anything.

Anyhow....

I think I will make an appearance at Tatum's wedding in December.

I haven't really been getting much writing done. I have to sit and write today.

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly disturbed by my dream

A little groggy

Ready to face the day

Eager

I am grateful for all of life with its experiences and varied people. 

Love,

Me.

7.48 am

Journal 24.10.2024 9.32 am Dream of waiting

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up from a dream of Arun and I waiting for something. In the dream I wanted him to buy something for himself while he waited but he refused.

When I woke up I realised that A was wearing a green shirt in the dream, a colour he is loathe to wear.

In the past few days I had the feeling that I was ready to move on. Actually, totally.

But today I feel all the emotions surging again. He is one person I will always love. He is extremely special to me with all his flaws. I absolutely adore him.

I realised today that after I asked him for money he never met me. That must have made him feel really bad.

I've been waiting for a windfall to begin paying him back. But today I realised that I should pay him a nominal amount each month for a year. Thats more doable. I hope he doesn't refuse.

I have started reading a book by E Wang that is a complete eye-opener. Also R Causton is being read.

I've finished all my morning tasks. It's so good to be able to do Yoga everyday. I must do it for longer and I will.

Now I'll chant for about 20 minutes, then get onto FT and simultaneously work on the sailing article.

I have to meet De and See Dh today and I have to study for that too.

It's going to be a wonderful day.

I am feeling:

Eager to begin paying A

Happy

Full of love

Looking forward to the day

Hopeful

Sweet

Yesterday I pulled out some clothes from the ones we were throwing. I'm feeling good.

I am grateful for the presence of all my loved ones in my life. I am grateful for this blessed life with all its experiences and the infinite love and happiness I experience each day. I am grateful for all the food I eat.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am

Journal 22.10.2024 4.40 pm A slight skirmish

Dear Journal,

Ma shouted at me quite unreasonably over lunch.

Whether it's that or something purely biological but I feel all the sorrow in me coming alive. I feel particularly awake and it also seems that I might be coming down with a cold.

I wish I wasn't feeling this way and I really wish Ma was of a more pleasant temperament and not so harsh.

I think I'll just lie down a bit after popping a cetrizine and let this feeling subside.

I hope to take my novel further today and I also hope to feel more positive.

Love,

Me.

4.44 pm

Journal 22.10 2024 9.05 pm Dream of A on dating

Dear Journal,

I woke up a little before 7 from a dream in which A was trying to convince me that life is too short to not date more people. He was trying hard to convince me and I got convinced in the dream.

I am feeling a little pessimistic and finding it hard to focus on my strengths. 

I have finished all my morning rituals, including my walk and yoga, and will now chant and start working. 

I think I have a Tarot session too today.

I am feeling:

Happy 

Filled with love

Grateful

Slightly pessimistic

Eager to face this day

Really want to reach a point where I kick the butt

Sweet

Hopeful

I am grateful for all the love in my life. I am grateful for life's myriad experiences and all the people who feature in it.

Love,

Me.

9.11 am

Pain of pain

To face the pain of your pain,

To be branded soulless and insane,

Seeking a raft in stormy seas

But what else would the Lord seek?

But to assuage falsities

And negate impetuosity,

Where there is the light of hope

There I go, supported by a rope;

The tears trickle down,

Heartbroken and without

The one love that I had sought,

Withered like petals in a windy bout;

And I face the pain head on,

Knowing that I have won

With action and restraint

And the flames of love

Keeping me warm through the rain.

Journal 21.10.2024 4.17 pm Literature and life

Dear Journal,

Literature is the balm for my soul. There I find not only inspiration but meaning to survive, live and love.

I talk to a few different kinds of people each day. People are all different like the different elements of Nature, each with its own qualities and graces.

Sometimes it is difficult to appreciate each being but the effort is in that direction. I am reading the Book of Nanak by Navtej Sarna. 

Guru Nanak was a divine soul who spoke the holy word of the Almighty.

I, on the other hand, am a common girl with a gigantic vow.

When I see people wrapped up in the flames of the pithy pits of hell my first thought is that my life should not become like theirs.

And then sometimes because I read exalted literature or may be because I ponder my heart goes out to them.

Life is not just for living, it is basically for loving. I love many people but may be I should reiterate, I love A.

I love my parents. I love my little brother. I love Sadhya. I love Eshna, Koala Bear, my friends. I live to love. Love is my sustenance, it's my way of life. And it sings many melodies, different tunes to the varied beatings of my heart.

Today I woke up from a crowded dream that I don't remember.

I did all my morning rituals, took a walk, did yoga and had a bath. I met NSji briefly in the morning. I hope he didn't feel that I was ignoring him.

I came home and finished my poetry book. It's up for review and I hope for a hassle-free opening. I know that all those who read it will love it.

Then I ate a stupendous fish curry with rice and sat and surfed the net, then buried myself into this book of Nanak.

Now after relaxing into this Journal, I will chant a little and then work on my novel.

Va Per said he'll drop in for a bit in the evening. He wanted to go out for dinner with me but I told him that I'm not up for it.

San Kan messaged that he wants to meet me for coffee. Now what does he want? I told him I'm busy, which I am.

This evening will unfold absolutely stupendously, I just know it. If only I could kick the blasted butt.

I am feeling:

A slight ache in my heart

Full of love

Feel like I've found my reason to be and to live

Grateful

Full of life

Eager to face the evening head on

Want to quit cigarettes easily

Happy that I finished my poetry book 

Happy in general

Eager to write an exemplary novel

I am grateful for my wonderful life with its beautiful experiences and people. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. I'm grateful that Arun replied to my message yesterday. I am grateful for his presence in my life.

I am feeling nice and loving and loved and oh so grateful for my life.

Love,

Me.

4.39 pm

Oh love

 Oh love I worship you by the crags and by the sea,

You teach me so deeply about life and prophecies,

You guide my senses about in this weary world,

You help me embrace each moment

Like a worthy fragrant garland

Offered at your feet, to be celebrated

And sung like a song for all eternity.

I am hassled sometimes oh love

When you don't grant me all I seek

But I know you will beget me

The choicest from all I meet,

It's not a small cause to dedicate

My life to you Oh love

Because only I know what it is like

Your lessons guided by a hand above.

And when at night I snuggle and I sleep

You visit me Oh love in seeing very deep

And you keep me entertained with your tales

And your scenes and only you understand

Oh love what I ever truly mean. 

Journal 20.10.2024 6.58 pm Sex and food

Dear Journal,

It's been over four months since I've seen Arun's face. It doesn't seem like he wants to see mine.

I get those messages on social media from guys wanting to chat, then some want to work and a few even end up soliciting sex for work.

It's so annoying! It's the most annoying thing I have to deal with and I really don't have time to waste talking to these men. I don't entertain all of them but some of them I do talk to.

It makes me ponder on their minds. Their time is wasted on such banal pursuits that they would not be good companions to talk to or even consider as friends since they lack the richness of heart and spirit to have a spirited conversation.

I miss my younger days when my guy and girl friends and me had interesting conversations that also of course dealt with our love lives but were so much more spirited and fun.

I find these days that I meet men who lack that kind of wealth of heart.

That is why I have always valued A so much. He is such an interesting conversationalist and has such a beautiful heart.

My studies as a Neurobiologist and of the Psychology books I have read have taught me that we replace sex with food and food with sex.

If you eat well, and all your meals on time then automatically you'll have a lesser perverse sexual appetite and a more rich love life. Eric Berne talks about it and so does Kandell.

So my advice to all the youth would be to pursue wealth, eat well and stay healthy and focus on developing the treasures of the heart and mind. Then life is so rich and meaningful.

Today I messaged Kar and told her that I just don't have the bandwidth to do her work. Also Nsji came home for over an hour and I spoke to Shi Gore, a nice Kannad man, about my play. He used to work with Girish Karnad when he was younger.

We have a meeting in a few days.

This Ga Sha keeps messaging to meet for work. Let's see. I don't quite trust him but then you never know. He doesn't give me very trustworthy vibes.

Va Per messaged and said he'll drop in for a bit tomorrow. It's good to have school friends to meet. They take you back in time so I'll make time for him.

I have a call today at night. Now after the day has been well spent I'll sit and do some chanting and write my novel.

Ma is down with pain in her pelvic region and is refusing a massage. Melon and Kit Kat are home and hovering around.

Life is good and I'm sure all is well.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Focused

Happy 

Satisfied

Repentant about my tiffs with Ma

Sentimental 

Sweet

Eager

Hopeful

I am grateful for my wonderful life with all its experiences and all the people who adorn it.

I am truly blessed and grateful to God for his infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.20 am

Revolution

I see cracks in the earth

And wilted uprooted trees

And a lack of butterflies

And a scanty population

Of the earthy mites and bees.

As I navigate the hellfires

Of the parched solemn earth

I see wrangled bones

Shrouded in clothes

Of withered dry skin

Devoid of any mirth.

And then I find a solitary 

Hermit digging the rubble

And the bones without any

Ware, without any stones.

The light of the sun

Has shone bright

Into our very marrows

And there is really no hiding

Anymore from our mortal shadows.

I walk amid the crowd

With no mirror so I could see

A reflection of the sight

Or a drop of immortal sea.

I wonder what is it that happened 

That this calamity has struck,

Was it that we lost the plot

While trying to make a fast buck?

The story has just begun

Of the axes and the trees

When there would be no home

For birds and our furry friendlies.

I cry out loud as I reach the peak 

And my voice dissolves

Amid the cacophony. 

I seek hope and love is what I seek,

I seek a heart of reason,

I seek words of will

So that we no more treason

And evolve conscientiously, 

Responsibly and I realise

The change begins with me

And I'll create a revolution

Amid all the calumnies

And there will be a sea of song

Where there is now a grating noise

And we will right all our wrongs

With hope and love in one voice.

Shifting sands

 Sometimes I can't fight the petulant mood

Of having you far away as it does you suit

And I think of your blue canopy

And your earthy slip-ons and your safari shades

And the carpet of stars we took walks on

Hand in hand through washy waters and shifting sands

And the brilliant sun of life then does shine on me

And I simmer in its glow with hope

That the sun will rise again

And the rain will once again 

Wash away the pain

And your moustache will once again tickle

And your voice so golden will rumble

Again through nights of sordidness

And I hope that I will then

Find the sun as you ring

With melodies into my life

Your flavour and your fragrance

Wafting through the many colours of loving and staying alive. 

Journal 20.10.2023 11.33 am Perceptions

Dear Journal,

Pa made me this beautiful French Toast for breakfast. I really look forward to Pa's breakfasts on Sunday. I made a cup of tea for myself and complained to Ma a little about her. She was hurt. I must be more accepting of her.

Then I felt bad and went and gave her lots of kisses on her cheek and told her what a sweet person I think she is. I love my mother and I really value her presence in my life.

Shakyamuni Buddha says that this world we live in, this world on Earth in the Milky Way, is the world of endurance. We all must endure something or the other in this Saha World of endurance. There is no end to the endurances we must undertake.

Nichiren says: "There are not two lands pure and impure in themselves. The difference solely lies in the good or evil of our minds." A pure land is achieved by purity of our minds.

That brings me to the matter of perception. We live as we perceive.

My life is adorned with beautiful people. And I love all of them. Some characters I encounter pose a resistance in me but I endure beautifully.

My perceptions:

Ma

She is the most important person in my life. She has given me life, sustenance and love. Sometimes she can be harsh, obstinate, unreasonable and what can be perceived as cruel. But she is sweet, friendly, talkative, lively, interesting, full of love, proud, beautiful, egoistic, very very sensitive and a tad too demanding. She is emotional and I know that she gets disappointed easily because she has so many expectations, giving rise to her few negativities. She is persevearant, disciplined and extremely hardworking and she really values her relationships.  She is argumentative and the most beautiful person I know. I owe everything I am to her. I can keep writing about her and extol on her. I'll write a book about her some day. She is imaginative and creative. I love her to bits.

Pa

Pa is my sweetheart. He is my teddy bear. I really respect my father. He is a kindhearted,  gentleman who has a sweet, noble heart. He is sophisticated but doesn't indulge in himself. He believes in simple living and high thinking. He is sporty, the most disciplined person I know and one of my favourite people in this world. He is accepting of other people and friendly. He can be quite pessimistic sometimes but he goes around handing hope to all who need it. He is well-read and well-spoken, so is Ma. People generally tend to love Pa easily. These days he spends time working, exercising and watching TV. I love spending time with him and he is one of my closest friends. I also believe he is handsome.

Chotto bacha

My Chotto, I love him the most. He is fiery, passionate, goal-oriented, disciplined. He gets angry very easily and is surrounded by friends. He is an animal lover, very sweet, has suffered his setbacks and is one of my closest friends. He is irritable, impatient and he learns easily from his mistakes. He doesn't accept flaws in his relationships and can be quite demanding. He is interesting and health conscious. He is loveable and extremely handsome and charming. He is my hope and I worry about him. I love him to bits.

My A

I love him. He has the sweetest heart I have seen in a person. He is also my favourite person in the whole wide world. He is kind, generous, interesting, loving and loveable. He has beautiful kind eyes. He loves indulging himself and letting his hair down. He is interesting and the cutest human being I know with a creative mind and sometimes perceptions that are hard to understand which I feel bring about pain and difficulties in his life. He is a great dancer. He can use harsh words sometimes and be very demanding, hence he is not always happy in his relationships. He would do better to allow some breathing space to people to suss the waters and find their way about. He is well-read and one of the most beautiful people I know. Of course,  I must add that I think he is extremely handsome and an exemplary person with great character. I could write tomes about him but I think I'll stop now. 

There are other people I love absolutely like Eshna and Ch Mashi and Q and my cute Koala bear and my other friends. I'll make them characters in my books.

I met Ns ji when I went for a walk today and he said he wants to discuss something with me so I called him home. I'll chant and get to working on my Yi sheet now.

This is going to be a wonderful day.

I am feeling:

Loving

Accepting

Wiser for writing this post

Eager to face the day

Happy

Sentimental

The other day I took out the Zara set that A had bought for me to wear at the Trident event but after putting it on I wasn't too happy with its flares and buxomness. So I've worn it today so that I don't have to send it for ironing. I'm feeling good. I love my life and the people in it and I'm grateful for them and all my experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.18 pm

Journal 20.10.2024 8.39 am Dream of a black car

Dear Journal,

I blocked Mah Mat yesterday. I should be more careful with my interactions with others.

I had a dream of financial anxiety. There were many things in the dream that I don't remember. The dream ended with me seeing a beautiful black luxury car swerving around with its black windows rolled up, taking a U-turn, and simply cruising and I woke up.

I feel like taking a walk in the park to start my day well but I don't want to bump into Bha Khi there. I like him but sometimes I like taking my walks alone so I think I'll go a little later.

I have to finish the Yi thing and also get the sailing article underway.

Today is an excellent day.

I love A.

Things are going to open up in a gazillion ways. I just know it.

I love my friends and all the people in my life.

I am feeling:

Full of love

A little anxious

A little worried about my health

Really feel like giving up smoking (I know I will be able to)

Feel like walking and doing yoga

Eager to face this day

Beautiful (as a person)

Dignified

Happy

Sweet

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life and all the people who adorn it and all the experiences that lace it.

Love,

Me.

Journal 19.10.2024 5.11 pm Lost in translation and will never sabotage again

Dear Journal,

The days have just been whooshing past. Yesterday was a super busy day. I also finished reading THOTLS yesterday. I love studying Buddhism. It's something I understand easily.

I had three cups of coffee at Trident yesterday and I was so awake till 4 am. I woke up at 10 am all groggy, had a bath and left for a haircut. I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I woke up. I've been having lots of Tarot dreams that I can't decipher.

Then I came home, spent time with Pa and ate lunch with him. I'm not very happy with my haircut.

Then this Mah Mat kept messaging about his shoot. He's been messaging me for a month about a shoot in the end of November. Finally, I was a little concerned so I expressed my desire to have a decent, zero sleaze shoot. I don't know if he minded or not but he's been silent.

Somewhere in the middle I had a longish conversation with Tillu. She was very helpful with her advice but talking to her I realised that sometimes you say something and it gets completely misconstrued and lost in translation. I apologised to her if I ever hurt her. She's an angel and I love her. I really value our friendship.

Arun, of course, is always ALWAYS on my mind. Sometimes at the front and sometimes at the back, but I never stop thinking about him. I wish I could tell him what a good person I think he is, such a sweet lovely, sweetest in fact, human being. I miss kissing his nose.

I think I sabotaged our relationship with my insecurities. And I've been thinking that I must surmount my insecurities and resolve them. I can't live a life in doubt. I have so much to be grateful for.

I also know Arun broke up with me for my weaknesses like my delusions sometimes. That makes me sad and eager to change. It's difficult to communicate our true feelings and our real thoughts and our perceptions absolutely and truly.

I messaged him and well, I knew he wouldn't reply.

I really regret our break up.

I've had a lot of things on my mind. Well I'm not clear about them to expound them here. I can't be impetuous anymore.

I have this one beautiful life and I must make the most of it. Firstly, by being present and appreciating each moment. And of course by spreading warmth everywhere.

I have to meet See Dhir and Debo in some time now and I have to prepare for that meeting. I'll wear something nice so that I feel good. I wonder how Arun's days are going? He must be happy. I'm sure he's having fun. It's a Saturday and he must be out and about.

I also have to finish the work for YI.

I am feeling:

Happy

A little worried about my health

Love

Loved

Accepted

Pretty (as a person)

Grateful

Present 

Looking forward to the evening

Sweet

Feel like getting a pedicure 

We develop in aspects of our lives we are fearful about and we face obstacles in aspects of our lives we are proud of. It's a Truth I've come to realise after studying Jung, which makes me value humility and creates a desire in me to always be humble.  May I always be humble.

I am grateful for Arun's presence in my life.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I'm grateful for my sweet Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for my Chotto, Sadhya, Melon and Kit Kat.

I am grateful for the family I belong to.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for my good mood.

I am grateful for the chocolates I ate today.

I am grateful for friendships and relationships.

I am grateful for Tilotamma. I really value her as a person and I really value our friendship.

I am grateful for all the work I do.

I am grateful for opportunities. 

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life and all the people who grace it.

I am grateful for my clothes.

I am grateful for this beautiful evening that is unfolding before me.

I am grateful for my body and soul.

In other news Ma is so happy and being so sweet to me.

Love,

Me.

5.46 pm

This is a good day in this wonderful life.

Journal 18.10.2024 10.59 pm The event was a hit

Dear Journal,

As I was leaving the house today for my event for the Seksaraiya family I thought that I can't solve any problem in my life at the level I created it and I must challenge myself and change my negatives. With that in mind I took a firm decision to give all those I encountered today a higher perspective. I never lie when I read the cards.

The Seksariaya family as I learnt when I reached Trident late is the family that runs Ambuja cement.

I love reading Tarot. I love it so much and I'm truly blessed for all the people who approach me. The event was supposed to end at 9 pm and here I am right now just going home two hours later. The event was such a big hit.

And I learnt so much. So many different things. God gives everybody problems was my biggest learning today and I decided to be far more grateful from now on. 

Those who don't have enough struggle to make ends meet but those who have everything provided for have the most monumental problems and challenges. And we must not be jealous or covet what others have because they may not have what we have.

I thought about Arun and I thought that I must accept the situation as it is. He does not want to be with me and I must respect that. I'll always love him of course but he has decided to not love me.

I am feeling so gratified today. I'm so blessed and I'm so happy.

I am feeling:

Satisfied

Happy

Immensely grateful

Full of love

Blessed

Sweet

Slightly confused

Accepting

Compassionate

Loving

I am so grateful for my life and all my experiences and all the people who feature in it. I am so grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

11.13 pm

Ps: Those who go through the darkest winter will experience the brightest spring. (Inspired by all the great writers I've read.)

11.17 pm

Journal 18.10.2024 10.31 am Looking forward to this day

Dear Journal,

I woke up from an intricate dream that I just can't remember. It was a dream filled with many bright colours.

My blind has broken.

I am eagerly looking forward to today's event. It should be a very good day for me.

I know I will bring joy to all I read the cards for today. I hope to meet some interesting people.

Smoking is just not an option for five hours.

I am feeling:

Very Happy

Full of love

Harmonious

Eager to face the day

Sentimental

I bought my L-Glut tablets today. Something to keep me going as I age.

I have finished all my morning ablutions except my bath and chanting. I have to also prepare all the things I am carrying for today's event.

Should I carry Melon's red cloth? Let's see.

I am grateful for all the opportunities in my life. I am grateful for my good health and for all the love in my life. I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life with all its experiences and all the people who feature in it.

Yesterday I called up Kar. She said, "Don't stress. Just put in a little bit of work everyday." And I agreed.

I also am eager to start working on FT from tomorrow. Today I want to be relaxed before the event so I'm not doing any work. I'll put in some reading though, of course.

This is an excellent day!

Love,

Me.

10.40 am

Journal 17.10.2024 7.28 pm small and big victories

Dear Journal,

Life is going to open up in a gazillion different ways. I know it.

I don't write about him that much but Arun is always on my mind. It's not over for me. It'll never be over.

I don't know what the deal is, he hasn't been clear, but whatever it is I wish him the maximum happiness a person can get.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's event. I won't be able to smoke for about five hours. I'll prepare tomorrow for the event.

I'm confused about what to wear.

My heart is a little bit hurt and pained.

And I know not what the future holds.

I did pick cards of course and the cards never lie. I keep picking the Lovers these days and the Queen of Cups and the King of Cups so there is definitely love on the cards. Somebody really loves me.

I've also been studying the Tarot deck online. It's so much fun.

I am feeling:

Solemn

A little heavy hearted

Lovely

Sweet

Need a little fun in life

Happy

Beautiful (as a person)

Dignified

Today I wore the cwc dress that Arun had chosen for me, the off white ruck linen one, that I have only ever worn when out with him.

Just wearing the dress worked its magic and I felt happy. I'll always love and honour this man. May be he really is unable to be with me.

I hope his offer of friendship still stands and that he did not see my despairful messages last night.

I'll keep him in my prayers forever.

May he and his family surmount all obstacles and attain happiness.

I am grateful for harmony.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for the inflow of money.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for my home.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for the little trials in life. They help me grow into a beautiful happy person.

I am grateful for my support system.

I am grateful for my sacred body.

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful that this day went off well.

I am grateful for the good night's sleep and beautiful dreams I will experience tonight.

I am grateful for beautiful friendships.

I am grateful for all the small and great victories my life is made up of.

Love,

Me.

7.46 pm

Ps: I wish I could just get my mind to not focus on Arun and to focus on life and all its beautiful aspects. I'm sure I'll be fine. I know I'll be fine and the happiest. I know Arun will be fine too and the happiest he can be.

8.01 pm

Journal 17.10.2024 3.32 pm Fantasies

Dear Journal,

Talking about fantasies is such a private topic. Talking about dreams and hopes is such a secret thing. Even if I lay bare some dreams here many I will still guard in my heart allowing them the sun of my love till I can lay them bare.

My fantasies:

1. I have often fantasized about Arun when he is old, especially when we were going out. I've fantasized about taking care of him, loving him deeply even when he is very very old, Laying sweet kisses on him and providing every kind of comfort to him. I imagine him as a sweet old man who is happy to have my love.

2. I have fantasized about taking Arun out on expensive dates, and buying him choicest gifts and spoiling him. I even fantasize about that with my own family. I, of course, have bought them many gifts. I dream of spoiling them silly.

3. I dream of standing on a pulpit and making a speech with Ma, Buro and Pa there.

4. I once went to a past life regressionist who told me to progress into the future and I saw myself taking care of a sweet infant. That's the dream. I love children and I love babies.

5. I dream of sitting on a space ship and taking a space flight. Some day I want to sit on a space ship and take a glimpse of the far beyond.

6. And above all I dream of a prosperous healthy happy life with a lot of love where I'm making a difference to people's lives.

7. I fantasize about being free from the addiction of cigarettes.

Dimma always said that experience everything with dignity and in moderation.

The Buddha also espoused the importance of taking the middle ground. Too much of happiness can also plunge one into despondency.

I am feeling:

Happy

Placid

Calm

Love

Honoured

Beautiful (as a person)

Hopeful

Loved and loving

I am grateful for God's precious gifts in my life.

Love,

Me.

3.46 pm

Journal 17.10.2024 1.33 pm My Tarot clients

Dear Journal,

I was feeling very hurt the past two days; The hormones didn't help. Also Arun telling me that he has nothing to tell me really hurt me a lot. His arrogance can be deafening.

But I'm back to feeling better and feeling love for him.

My Tarot clients open my eyes to realities that are not mine. Questions centre chiefly around relationships, finances and a few times about health. When the questions are about health they can be pretty problematic.

With finances I try to guide my clients to the best of my ability. The problems are the same and mundane.

The real eyeopener is when clients want to discuss relationships, which is what majority of the questions are all about.

Men and women are different. Even gay men and gay women are stamped with the man and woman in them respectively.

When clients tell me about their sexcapades I feel like a lamb. I am very sexual, but I'm very much like a good girl when it comes to sex. Of course I have my odd fantasies but I don't take them very seriously and I don't fuel them.

On the other hand I find that my clients take their sexual lives very very seriously.

Men are far more sexual than women and want their women to be submissive and docile. They admire women who speak their minds from afar but would rather have their own partners be submissive to them in the bedroom and otherwise.

1.44 pm Someone has called. Will continue...

2.15 pm continued...

Men don't always speak very respectfully about their women and their love for them is directly proportional to how submissive or docile they are. Men admire feisty women only from afar and all men want their women to be far gentler.

Women on the other hand are all heart. They want to nurture their men and they treasure the connection. During breakups women never want to take the initiative to contact their exes.

Both men and women call about wanting to reconcile with their exes even after months and years have passed with no contact, showing me that true love leaves lasting memories.

I wonder if Arun will remember me well?

Anyway....

Tomorrow I have to go to Trident for my Tarot session. Keeping my fingers crossed for this one.

I am feeling:

Happy

A little annoyed

A lingering love in my heart

I have to call up Kar and tell her I can't do the YI thing. I'd rather focus on my Tarot sessions.

I know this day will unfold beautifully.

To a lot of love for my clients this post is dedicated. May I spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Love,

Me.

2.28 pm

Journal 17.10.2024 10.19 am A better day

Dear Journal,

The two days gone past have been terrible for me mood-wise.

Yesterday I sent a few hurting messages to A and then I deleted them knowing fully well that I didn't want to actually send them.

I wasn't getting a drop of sleep last night and I called up Q. Then I spoke to someone else who sent me a nice video to watch to help me sleep.

I spent some time on YouTube till sleep caught me and I fell asleep.

Today is a better day. I'm still hurt by Arun and I still feel like crying but I will conquer this day. I think I'll try and meet some friends today. 

Today won't be like the two days gone by. Today is a day of action, positivity, love and joy. Today is a day when I find hope in everything-- it's a day of respect, a day of winning.

I am feeling:

Dimaag fried

Pained

Hurt

Hopeful

Slightly joyous

Eager

Patient

Feel like taking action

I am grateful for my life with all its experiences and all the people who grace it.

I am grateful for my lovely parents.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for this wonderful day that is unfolding so well.

Love,

Me.

10.29 am

Letter to Arun

Dear Arun,

I understand today that it is over for you,

Then it's over for me too.

You told me that I should call you if i need anything;

I'll never call you again. It is over.

I'll nurse my broken heart and heal. I've just realised you want nothing to do with me and that makes me very sad. You've blamed me a lot and I won't say anything about that. I've apologised a lot to you.

All I want to say is that you were not blameless.

And you've hurt me so badly that I don't want to have anything to do with you.

Yesterday you were so rude to me over the phone. I think even I'll move on now. I should really learn to get over you.

Bye.

Journal 16.10.2024 10.22 pm Thoughts on A

Dear Journal,

I'm so distraught. How does A not love me anymore? I'm so hurt.

Either he's not mature enough to know what love is or he really never loved me. But I can't believe that he never did.

The hormones are not helping and I'm very sad.

If he or Ma tell me not to do this movie, I won't.

He still matters to me. He always will. This parting is very painful. His silence cuts a sword through the heart. He was very rude to me on the phone yesterday.

His saying that he doesn't love me anymore is the most painful thing I've ever heard anyone say to me.

He always reminded me so much of Ma, saying harsh unpalatable things when not in a good mood and still being accepted and loved. Is that the case? I don't know.

Well whatever it is the truth always comes to light. God doesn't keep a single fact hidden, at least not for me.

It's not been easy dating him. First were all the comparisons, and then him talking about his wife on every date, then sometimes him getting angry, then sometimes him lying but I chose to focus on his stories that were plentiful, his heart and his mind so noble, on his thoughts and his sweet nature and all the good times we spent and I grew to love everything that was his and that he embodied.

I'm feeling very hurt today. I wish Nidhi were not in the hospital and I wish Qudsiya was in Bombay. 

And I wish this journal could talk.

I wish I had a wise ear to listen to me and give me counsel.

I wish Shakyamuni Buddha were here so that I could share with him my pain.

And I wish that I'd gone to meet Vallabh today without fearing that I'd bump into Arun there.

I know that everything will turn out fine.

I know that life will turn out to be super good.

Writing in this journal is a huge respite.

I am feeling:

Hurt

Pained

Teary

Sad 

Feel like giving up smoking

Worried

Hungry 

Trying to find my happiness factor

I am grateful for all of life's experiences and all the people who feature in it. I am grateful for love and life.

Love,

Me.

10.42 pm

My heart could burst

I love you so much it hurts,

Anytime my heart could burst

And I could come undone

And lie sprawled on the floor,

Breathing in the vastness

Of my love for you

And breathing out our memories.

I miss you

Have you really moved on?

Will you really never accept my love again?

I have so much to give you, so much to say,

So many experiences with you to experience,

Of love, loss, happiness and gain.

I think I'll sit and wallow tonight

In my own blood and pain

And I wish you could love me again

Instead of viewing me as insane;

I think when I gave my heart to you

It was absolutely a gift for you to retain,

A gift that I can never take back

So that my love with you will always remain.

I feel selflessly about you,

I see your beauty and your soul

And somewhere deep inside I hope you'll possess me

And fulfil as my king your role.

I really miss your skin on mine

And our boozy nights when sometimes you,

Sometimes I did whine;

I miss handling you, suffering your tantrums, 

Suffering your moody outbursts

And I miss your love wholeheartedly

And I so wish to kiss you deeply again,

And hold you in my arms

And sense you fully with all my senses.

In other words I miss you

Deeply, and I want you back

Because I think we are better together,

Better a couple than two birds

Separated in flight.

And when we meet I know it will be golden again,

Me preening you, you sprucing up,

Me gazing deep into your beautiful kind eyes;

I wish so deeply to remain in love with you

And I always will. It's a fact that can't be changed.

And I put nine thoughts to this

Whether I should share this poem with you tonight,

And I hope you'll take it in good spirits 

And not as something I did to bug you as I write.

Journal 16.10.2024 6 pm Fundamental Darkness

Dear Journal,

V Ozar just messaged that he is at Seven Bungalows with a friend and asked if I'd care to join them at Bottles. I told him I have very low blood pressure and I want rest. I also didn't want to bump into Arun there.

I had a Tarot client today, some very pious spiritual Jain guy. Well, he spoke a lot.

I've been feeling sometimes happy, sometimes sad and I guess it's the hormones and this period.

In other news, an event management team has approached me as a Tarot reader for an event at the Trident. I'm really looking forward to this.

I thought that instead of feeling morose and gloomy about all the ways Arun has been spurning me let me remind myself of all the wonderful times we've spent together and all the love he has showered on me.

I really wish I can make him feel good when we talk next.

It's about taking responsibility for one's karma. We each create the circumstances that we find ourselves in so it's about sowing good seeds and reaping the fruits. But it's so difficult to break away from the shackles of our karma because we each possess our negative tendencies and innate darkness, which Shakyamuni calls fundamental darkness, Jung calls the Shadow and the Bible says is original sin.

If we can recognise our fundamental darkness and attempt to change ourselves from there, then we will be happy and enlightened, says Shakyamuni.

Arun does have a tendency to be brash and rude when he's hurt. But all in all isn't he my sweetest heart?

Even I tend to speak crapshit when I'm hormonally challenged and I tend to be rude. I must change that. I must have so hurt him.

I love him so very ardently and deeply. My cutest human being he is.

Deep down I wish for him to accept my love again. I really honour his being and respect him and I'll always find him most handsome and cute.

Sometimes I wonder how his days are going and why he told me that there's nothing for him to tell me. So much must have happened in his life.

Well, I think I've been focusing on the negatives and being pessimistic. A healthy dose of optimism with a pinch of courage and a dash of love shall be applied, seasoned with hope.

And I've just been lying in bed since yesterday.

My periods are making me feel so crappy and sordid.

Neither have I done yoga nor have I prayed since yesterday. This just won't do. I must buckle up.

I am feeling:

Very crappy and slightly gloomy and morose

I'm really missing Arun today

Tired

Low

A bit happy (in the sense that I'm not depressed)

Hurt

Pained

Eager to sit and chant and write something in my notebook

Dirty, feel like taking a bath

I hope to make the best of my evening.

After all a step in the right direction defines the entire journey. So just small baby steps for now.

I am grateful for all that life is.

Love,

Me.

6.30 pm

Journal 16.10.2024 11.07 am feeling crabby

Dear Journal,

I am sitting at Dr Shinde's. Yesterday just passed by with me feeling totally washed out through the day.

My periods have become really tough for me.

Vin, the casting guy called, and I told him I couldn't entertain him.

Some time in the evening I called Arun up.

He was very cold towards me at the reception.

He said that the movie would be a good experience for me.

I told him about my feelings for him. Life is too short to bear grudges and not love someone.

It seems like he has decided to not love me. And I have decided to love him.

He told me that there was nothing for him to tell me.

I will always love him.

Before this day also passes by I have decided to take Dr Shinde's help.

I am feeling:

Hot and sweaty

Crabby

Cranky

Washed out

Full of love

Sentimental 

Nostalgic

Eager

Eyes on the future

Reasonably happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.13 am

Wish

I wish, ardently wish, that I could have you back

Just to shower you with kisses

And to tell you that I adore you

And so that I could smell you all day long

And hold your blessed hands

And travel off to far off lands with you.

I so wish.

Journal 15.10.2024 9.31 am A vow to never hurt anyone

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that Arun is a woman and that we are planning a travel, ready to go some place far off.

Last night he called up.

I'll always love him from the core of my being. He said let's be best friends. Of course! Anything for him!

He's probably the sweetest and cutest guy in my life. He is such a good human being. I love him so deeply and I care about him so much.

I realise that you should never ever hurt someone you love. They may be so pained.

I should have an innate respect for all beings and of course I deeply respect Arun.

He says he has moved on and that I should too.

He was drunk last night and he said that he loves me but then he took back his words.

I am feeling:

Love, a lot of it

Respect 

Happy 

Pained and hurt

Ready to face the day

Sweet

Eager

Focused

I am grateful for Arun. I am grateful for this blessed life with all its people and all its experiences. I am grateful for my parents. I am grateful for all my possessions.

Love,

Me.

9.40 am

Journey

It's been a long wait in the boarding house

And all the feminine principles now come out,

I prepare well, I prepare fast and right

For a journey with you towards a future so bright,

We pack and prune and prepare to start

And soon we start and the journey has begun.

Journal 14.10.2024 8.24 pm Womanhood

Dear Journal,

In one of his earlier sutras Shakyamuni Buddha says, "A woman's destiny is dependent first on how her father keeps her and then her husband. She is as good as her father and then her husband."

At first when I read this I thought it was quite regressive. Of course, then I was a busy bustling journalist and I thought I did not need a man to complete me.

I haven't had a husband but these past over 39 years living with my father has caused me to look deeper into the Buddha's words.

Men have a sort of iron will; even the gentlest of men has a force of will that the mutable empathetic woman does without.

My father, along with A, is one of the kindest men I know. His tenacity, his tolerance and his love are as vast as the oceans themselves.

Till today, apart from a few things (like not letting me study at Stephen's or not letting me drive, both things that hit me hard) my father has provided me with every kind of luxury and comfort a man can accord his daughter (He dotes on me and spoils me to this day) and unlike other Indian men has allowed me freedoms and the independence to chart my destiny.

Even when it came to dating A, he did not cage me and let me be. In fact, he has never ever caged me. He is one of the most understanding men I know and one of the gentlest and loveliest. He is a woman's man.

Against odds, his loyalty to Ma and his utmost respect for all of us has made me respect him like I have no other man. His only expectation from me is that I will be a strong independent woman, who will pave her own path in life.

Today after years of reading these words by Shakyamuni I think I am as good as my father.

Of course, all my father has given me is serenity and bliss in the things he has provided for me and the circumstances he has kept me in.

In another sutra the Buddha says, "Bliss is a state one should achieve but too much bliss can be detrimental. A state of bliss makes one unmoving and stops one from taking action."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too happy or too blissful with everything provided for with no expectations of me. Need I say more?

Then in another sutra Gautam Buddha says, "A woman's mind is the most difficult to understand; it changes faster than the wind."

This statement also I rebelled against. Yes, men are far more logical I understand today.

This statement by the Buddha also led me to surmise that must not have Shakyamuni left for the jungles because of marital disharmony? It's an assumption. And I don't know for sure but it seems like a logical assumption to make.

Then in his penultimate sutra, the Lotus Sutra, Gautam Buddha says, "Women have the seed of Buddhahood in them." And in that sutra he says that some time in the Latter Day of the Law (which is present times) he would be born as a woman and attain Buddhahood because of his karma, but he would suffer in every way that he had made his wife Yashodhara suffer in his life as Shakyamuni. He blesses Yashodhara in this sutra and says that she would live as Buddha Gladly Seen By All Living Beings in the Latter Day and she would attain Buddhahood and be someone of unparalleled physical allure.

I love the Lotus Sutra because it is so current. Although it may seem fantastical the Buddha blesses every kind of living being with predictions for their Buddhahood in the Latter Day. It is in this sutra that the Buddha says, "Earthly desires are enlightenment," and "The sufferings of birth and death are Nirvana." And then he predicts his death in that life in the next three months.

Knowing men as I know them, Arun must have logical reasons that I can keep assuming for not talking to me. I still love him and he is always on my mind. If that's not love what is.

I always thought when I was a small girl that I would be the kind of girl who would marry young. But I didn't. The reasons are plenty and too extant to cite right now.

Being a woman is a blessing. But yes, today I have changed my mind. A woman does need a man to love. A companion, a spouse adds the flavour to life.

I think life will turn out just fine. I can't see the future and neither can I depend on any astrologer. I do have my Tarot cards but I'm a little hesitant to depend on them.

It's a blessing indeed to be endowed with womanhood and Buddhahood and the hood of hair on my head.

Today I went to meet Dr Rao. I've become more accepting of him.

This positivity principle that I'm adhering to is saving me a lot of trouble.

To womanhood! To the woman I am and to all the blessed beautiful women I know this Journal entry is a dedication.

I am feeling:

Emotional 

Happy

Blissful

Full of love

Loving

Loved

Sweet

Relaxed

Eyes on the future

Carefree

Caring

Grateful

Healthy

Victorious

I am grateful that I messaged A today. Life is too short to not express love. I am grateful that Matt again showed me his true colours and I blocked him. I am grateful for my support system. I am grateful for my life with all its experiences and all the people who grace it. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life. I am grateful that I spoke to Buntydidi today-- she is one phenomenal woman I know. I am grateful for my wonderful parents. I am grateful that I forgive.

Love,

Me.

9.19 pm

Ps: I'm also feeling slightly pained and hurt by Arun's rejection of me.

9.28 pm

Missing you

And another day has passed by

Not having seen your face and I cannot lie

You are still a constant thought,

An allegory of the story my heart wrote,

Crossing oceans far and deep

My love for you will never know sleep.

The golden moments are not distant

And I wish the potion was more potent.

If I shut my eyes I can still

Smell you as I wish and will,

Or imagine your hand in mine

And the lovely colour and flavour of your skin.

I know I messed up,

I know I faltered,

And I'm very sorry,

You should know that dear,

Not having you near

Is the worst punishment I've ever got

And that says a lot,

Doesn't it?

That instead of losing love for you

I let it grow in strides or bit by bit.

Love

Just like everything passes

This moment will also pass

And this day will give rise to another day

And the babies will all grow up.

This pain will recede into a shell, 

This longing will no longer burn,

This love will grow higher than Everest

And deeper than the oceans deepest trenches.

My life when viewed backwards hence,

Many years from now, will be one of sweet memories

And lots of warmth and carefree love.

These moments will all add up

To create a sweet old lady that is me

Who sings hymns for life, has won it all,

And makes up beautiful melodies.

Journal 14.10.2024 1.01 pm Facing Racism

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning and did my morning ablutions, took a bath etc. Then I had to literally push myself to chant and do yoga. I told myself that a thing that must be done must be just done. Just showing up is the task accomplished.

I called up Kari from YI and I'll focus on working with her. Somewhere along the way Matt messaged for some pictures to be plugged into the sailing article. I messaged him back that he needn't pay so that I could do the article more objectively.

I just received a call from him with him shouting at me and hurling profanities. He hasn't even paid me for my work before this. This is not the first time that he is being so rude. So I cut the call and blocked him. I just had kept him unblocked because he needed to pay me. This was racism at its worst.

I think I'll forego the payment and get along with my day and my life. I may visit boat club to meet people who sail this week. I really need to plan my week.

I messaged Arun with a picture that came up in my memories, saying that I still love him. I just had to tell him. Where did his love disappear? Well life never goes as planned.

A day well spent is one where there is resolute action with a happy heart.

When people bitch about someone with you your view of the bitchee gets coloured. This is a reminder that I must not believe in rumours and I must not talk behind people's backs and I must view life and people objectively.

I am feeling:

Slightly disturbed with Matt shouting at me. I am never going to unblock him. He is permanently on my blocked list.

I am feeling teary.

I am feeling slightly sad and slightly happy.

I am feeling a little annoyed.

I am feeling clean.

I am feeling ready to face the day.

I am feeling sweet.

I am feeling geared to perform.

I am feeling like reading a bit, which I think I'll do.

I am feeling loving and full of love.

I am feeling slightly hurt.

I'm sure I'm feeling like this because my periods are coming up. When I fought with Arun the last time, I got my periods unexpectedly the next day. My PMS is real these days. But there's no point telling A that. I wouldn't have expected him to understand.

I am grateful for this blessed life with all the people who grace it and all its varied experiences.

I am grateful for my parents and my little brother. I am grateful for God's mercies and His benevolent Grace on me.

Love,

Me.

1.21 pm

Ps: That Arun doesn't want to talk to me says a lot. I have to be able to let him go and let life take him where he is happy. I love him most deeply and I always will.

1.24 pm

Grooming you

All of you line up straight

Prepping for a beautiful fete,

Grooming you is paramount

And neglecting you is tantamount

To neglecting myself and losing out,

So I set about taking charge

Before anyone else does barge

Into the pretty fete, the lovely fete,

All of us healthy in appearance,

Want to bet?

Journal 13.10.2024 8.50 pm Loving A and other things

Dear Journal,

Nothing ever goes as planned. And such are my days too.

Last night the casting guy from Bangalore Vin called up again and again. And the first thing I wake up in the morning I see a call from him.

It was about another shoot and I agreed to audition. I wished after that that I could discuss it with A and see what he thought about it.

Vin took away my entire morning and I didn't get any writing done. In the middle Matt messaged and I told him I'd talk to him at 3.

I promptly called him at 3 and he was so full of praises. I don't much like him. And if he had paid me by now I would have probably blocked him.

We got to talking about the sailing article; I find Matt to be a very dicey character and I refused to meet him anytime soon. Anyway the sailing article is underway.

Then I messaged A a Dassera greeting because I thought I should. And with that I messaged him that I'd like to talk to him. About 30 minutes later I called him and he said he was busy and that he would call me after two hours.

He called me back a little before 4.15 pm and I was so happy. I often make up reasons that support the cause that us not being together is a good thing. The Truth is till date Arun is always on my mind. 

The fact that he doesn't call me means that he must be having a lot of grievances against me. May be he has even moved on.

I still love him. He harbours a very very special spot in my heart. I'll never be able to love another just the way I love him. He is very special.

Anyway, A said that I should ask for the script and the sense that I got was that I shouldn't be against doing a movie such as this (with semi bold scenes).

I was so happy to hear that he wears the shirts we bought together. He sounded a little weary and that got me really worried about his health.

I still love Arun absolutely. I so wanted to say I Love You to him when we were hanging up but I held back, given that the last I heard he didn't love me anymore. You can't make someone love you. I'll always cherish Arun and I hope he does call me like he said he would. Anyway, we hung up and I messaged to thank him a little later to which he sent a cold thumbs up. So that's that.

Then I messaged Vin that I'm free and we got into the audition. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that if I'm selected for the film this film would be decent to watch.

Finally, Vin messaged that out of the few girls who auditioned mostly I'd be selected.

Then he called around 7. When I finally felt that the situation was getting a little exploitatory I kind of snapped. Then I politely told him that it being Dassera I had plans with my family. So let's see where this goes. I, of course, asked for the script.

In other news, Ma had a great time with her friends at lunch and Pa made me talk to Abhi k and gang. Melon and Kit Kat are home. And life is good. I wish I was aceing it at earning the booty and that shall also happen.

Before going for a walk in the evening I briefed Ma about the audition. I really love Ma. She was in such a bad mood in the morning.

Sometimes you wonder why it's so hard for someone and then you remember how hard it's been for you. Just a little bit of understanding and liking things we don't naturally like but ought to like as an exercise can alleviate the pain and wipe away the sordidness.

I am feeling:

A little phased out with the audition

A little placid with a tinge of happiness

And a tinge of pain

And worry

Lovely

Loving

Full of love

In a happy place

Hopeful

Missing Arun

Sweet

Helpful

A little angry (with Matt)

Grimy (shall tidy up my room and head for a bath)

A little heart racing

Ma said she would need my help with coconut laddoos. Let's see where that is at.

I am grateful that I spoke to A today. I am grateful for all of life's experiences and all the people who grace my life. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings.

Love,

Me.

9.35 pm

Long gone

You are long gone, not to be spoken to

And I want one last time to give you pleasures

Like you gave me, all the hidden treasures

At leisure as I feel emotions, say and do

Things that will satiate the uprising of an urge

So difficult to ignore, so difficult to purge.

I come close sometimes to satisfying you

But then we are always so public,

So displayful, showing and telling

All our needs and desires that you are

Caught in a trap of whims and fancies

And are reprimanded and held up

And I escape the torrent of other's desires,

Caught in a maze of circumstances, mired

In my own desire to seek joy within for me

For all to see, I love you and I wish you were back.

Journal 13.10.2024 1.29 pm Bold film

Dear Journal,

As usual my day got off to a good start after waking up from a startling dream.

I dreamt that my friend, now gone, PC is actually a girl. I can't give the full details but it was a wet dream. I was so startled when I woke up that I didn't know what to think.

Since morning this Vin (He is very very annoying) has been calling me up for another film. All the films by Rajkumar Productions are semi bold films it seems. I really wish I could dial A's number and discuss it with him.

I spoke to Ma about it. She said it's my decision.

Vin made me spend my entire morning sending him pictures.

Then Matt messaged and said he wants to discuss the article.

I think I'll sit and do my work now and not bother about Vin.

Ma didn't want to go out for lunch with her friends but I coaxed her to go. She wasn't in too good a mood today.

It's been months since A called. I still love him and I miss him a lot. He must be so pissed off with me that he isn't even calling me up. I think I'll leave him a message.

I love my parents.

I am feeling:

Sad

Annoyed

Eager

Hopeful

Dark

Disciplined

I am grateful for all of life's experiences and all the people who make up my life.

Love,

Me.

1.46 pm

Journal 12.10.2024 9.02 pm Shubho Bijoya

Dear Journal,

The phone is very distracting.

Today me, Pa and Ma left early for Pujo. We met Abhikaku and fam and Buntydi and fam at Mission.

We sat there for quite some time and then moved to other Pujos, hunting for Bhog. In the process I tore the sari I was wearing and we finally had Bhog at Chitrakoot.

It was a delightful affair. I found myself judging Ma a lot. But she is human. She has plenty of good qualities and I love her. She is so sweet and cute, vibrant and funny, intelligent and conversational. I love her.

Through the days gone past I have had A at the back of my mind and have been blaming myself for all my faults and mistakes.

But the point is that he is married. Whether he cheats on his wife or not is none of my business.  But if he can't be loyal to his wife despite loving her then he has a problem with loyalty and that's a huge red flag.

I sent him the Bijoya message I drafted for everyone and then I deleted it. I actually shouldn't talk to him at all. He'll judge me for it but he's the one who went absolutely cold.

 Then later after our excursion the relatives came home and I made lemon tea for all of them. Buntydi has blocked me on WhatsApp but it was good to see her all hale and hearty.

We had a good time all in all.

This Bijoya my resolutions are:

To discipline my mind.

To focus on work.

To become the best version of myself.

To give my all to my loved ones.

To cultivate a positive optimistic mindset.

To be humble.

Desires are indeed the root cause of all suffering but there is no life without desires.

Today Matt called. Why does he so brazenly flirt with me? It's very unnerving and not welcome.

I also got a call from Shanky.

I am feeling:

Loved

Loving

Tolerant

Patient

Positive

Calm and placid

Blissful 

Happy

Grimy/need to take a bath

Sweet

Slightly worried

I am grateful that this Bijoya went so well. I am grateful for all of life's experiences and all the people who grace my life across the three existences. Above all, I am grateful to my exemplary parents.

It is alright to fail. It is not alright to not try again and again.

Today Buntydi said something very beautiful about the Yamas in Yoga. Talking about Samadhi she said that when you do something do it with your full concentration. It could be anything but concentration is everything. That is the secret to success. That's something I'll cultivate right from now. I love. I love everyone.

I am grateful for the lovely Pulao I had today.

Oh and also, I saw Kajol at a shoulder's distance today. She is quite a feisty lady with a lot of gumption. She is quite short but she is pretty for sure.

It was a lovely day and I'm super grateful for it.

Love,

Me.

9.27 pm

Journal 11.10.2024 8.40 pm Archetypes and less judgmentality

Dear Journal,

Today was spent researching after coming back from Pujo. I spent some time with Ma after she returned from school. I discussed with her all the various things I'd learnt from Jung today.

There is a part of me that has become so lax that I'm scared.

I also realised, researching the Archetypes, that I'm far too judgmental. I should really try and understand people and walk in their shoes.

I've been worried about Ma and Pa. Life is ephemeral and impermanence is the nature of life. What is mine will stay. What has to shed will. Nothing is constant.

Also, of course, I have to accept that I've struggled with my mental health. I have to be kind to myself and kind to others. I know that things will pick up and that my novel will see completion and that I will victor.

I know that there is a good life ahead for me.

Sometimes when I observe my life line I get a little worried. But aren't these all superstitions?

James Allen says, "As a man thinketh so is he."

What we think we live.

I should understand all the people I judge harshly and not judge them. I don't know their back story. Just like people don't know mine.

Today I came upon a splendid resource: Writing tips by Hemingway.

1. Be descriptive

2. Be empathetic

3. Practice, practice, practice 

I'd read that Bibhutibhushan Bandhopadhyay had written that the only way to write something is to write it.

So to write it. I'm basically juggling four things: The novel, the yi gig, the article writing and Tarot, and that calls for far more discipline. I'm all good when I get up in the morning and then I lose myself after chanting into reading.

Since 2019 when I quit journalism my life has been undulating. I haven't found that one thing that I can make mine. The answer is clear: it's writing. But with Chatgpt the payment for writers has reduced. And I've often found it hard to make money, especially ever since Chatgpt has been introduced.

Even if I can do something for 25 minutes on the Pomodoro I'm good. And that's not so tough. So 25 minutes of each of my interests it is. I will win it!

I am feeling:

Calm

Understanding

Sleepy

Loving

Hopeful

Disciplined

Geared

Happy

A little fearful

Inquisitive

Curious

Like a learner

I am grateful for my parents, who are the reason I am, and for all of life's wonderful experiences. I am grateful for having lived this day, a day of understanding myself and others.

Love,

Me.

9.07 pm

Journal 11.10.2024 3.46 pm Keep at it

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep around 12 am last night and woke up around 8.30 this morning.

All my morning ablutions done, I wore the red and black kurta that Bdidi had given me.

I meant to finish the sheet for YI but I was feeling so sleepy and hungry that I got myself some Puri Bhaji.

I've been mulling sending Matt a voice message since day before. He has been so rude to me. But what has to be done has to be done.

I sat and read a bit. The weather has been hot and sunny.

Then Pa and I went to the Juhu pujo for bhog where I met Rita Chatterjee and Sujata Mitra. I greeted them.

I also saw Pablo but I didn't say Hi.

Somewhere within me the confidence has snagged.

I ate some bhog and came back home.

I read one chapter of THOTLS and shut my eyes for a bit.

Through the day today I was feeling a little negative. Then I told myself that it will all turn out very well. It will. All I have to do is keep at it and be positive.

I love my father. He is such a sweet, humble man. I adore him.

Pa tinkered around with the lunch boxes after we got back home.

Sometimes these days I am burdened with what people say about me behind my back.

But those who talk will talk. They talk about everyone. It matters what I am doing in the moment.

Now I'll sit and write and then finish the Excel sheet.

The day I'll give up smoking is near.

I am feeling:

Heavy

Headached

A little negative, mostly positive

Full of love

Happy

Eager

Focused

Slightly worried

Snagged

A voluminous heart

Inspired

Hopeful

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for the Bhog I ate today.

I am grateful for the books I read.

I am grateful for all my projects that are underway.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents. My sprightly Ma and my shona Pa.

I am grateful for all my work.

I am grateful for all the love in my life.

I am grateful for all I write.

I am grateful for being Destiny's child.

I am grateful for all my clothes, books and all my possessions.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for my beautiful hands and my lovely feet.

Love,

Me.

4.06 pm

Journal 10.10.2024 9.12 pm Embracing my Shadow

Dear Journal,

I'm absolutely irritated with Ma. It's so difficult living with her. I do love her. But then, she is so demanding and cold.

She has an elephant-sized ego and has always been very harsh along with C Mashi.

I remember once asking her where would she rate herself on a scale of 1 to 10 and she had said 3. Pa said 10.

I guess those who suffer from low self esteem pump up their ego.

"If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you," said Friedrich Nietzche. I must change my heart towards all the obstacles in my life, including Ma and Buro. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself.

C Jung says that man can actualise his potential only if he embraces his Shadow that is all the darkness within him. So here I'll explore my Shadow a bit.

My Shadow:

I have experienced pain right from when I was small. Be it a harsh mother or sexual abuse and domestic violence. I have not often processed that pain very well and given in to delusions and illusions. The other day Debo told me that Ma told her about her relationship issue with Thama. I want to tell Ma to get over it. She didn't even live with Thama.

The other part of my Shadow is my own ego that wants to feel accomplished and respected. What goes around comes around. So the more I give the more I'll get.

I think that this Journal is a good spot to vent. But like D Ikeda says, "Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune." It's important to focus on appreciating life and all the good parts of it.

The other part of my Shadow: Today I saw Rumpa Pishi, Shompi, Mrs Naidu, Pampa mashi and I ran away from them. Even in that moment I realised that I should have got out of my comfort zone and said Hello. I shy away from naysayers. I want to be praised. But life is not all a bed of roses to be viewed through tinted glasses. There are always more people pulling you down than encouraging you. The ones we love the most can be our biggest naysayers.

The other part of my Shadow: I smoke too much. I should stop. That day will come.

My Shadow: I am lazy. Gone are the days of school when I did well without studying, acing cocurricular activities too. Life needs action. Life needs fulfillment and actualisation.

Another part of my shadow: Love. I give far too much importance to love. But that's the way I like it. Sometimes, many a time, love hurts. I also could do with being more tidy and not fantasising and living in a world of dreams. I find that Transcendental Meditation is very effective in disciplining the mind.

I am a beacon of hope in choppy waters, an actualised, full, lovely human being.

I am a spot of sunshine shining over a sea turbulent with typhoons. 

I am a placid loving human being. I am life. I am love. I am it.

The pain and joys we carry in our heart reflect. If I gaze into my happiness will not my happiness gaze back into me?

Love,

Me.

Ps: Yesterday Ka V F sent me a beautiful message, saying that she really values the poetry in me. She is so sweet. I told her I'm but an ordinary person. I am but an ordinary person. We all are.

9.39 pm

Journal 10.10.2024 8.13 pm Trip to Chinmaya Mission

Dear Journal,

Today has been a day of excursions. I did not get a drop of sleep last night till about 3.30 am and consequently woke up at 10 in the morning.

Pa and I were out of the house by 11.30, oweing to the blazing heat. All my morning ablutions done, I was ready to face the day. But how do you face the October heat?

We returned home after Bhog at 2.45 pm. In the middle we did come home for 10 minutes because Pa wanted to use the loo.

Then at 4.17 pm I left the house to meet H Mehta and we took the long ride to Chinmaya Mission. Once there, I realised that this is the place A mentioned his family follows.

The place was serene. I prayed to be forgiven for all my faults and all my mistakes.

I saw the mirrors that A mentioned.

H Mehta bought me two books that are his absolute favourites. Our conversation centred on spirituality and faith. We seemed to agree on most points.

We then had coffee at Goregaon after a ride through the absolutely ravishing Aarey Milk Colony. I did not smoke a single cigarette while there.

After H Mehta left me, I had a plate of Momos and came home just a while back.

Ma is so difficult. She cribbed about the Pepsi I got her and just admonished me for keeping my door shut. Both Buro and Ma are very difficult to handle. I am trying to change my heart towards them. I know my intention is not fruitless.

I did not get a moment's respite today to work or read.

I've decided to not turn out the lights till I'm sleepy. But then again Ma gets paranoid if she doesn't see my lights off. She is so demanding.

I am truly grateful for this day of beautiful experiences and friendships.

I am feeling:

Irritated

Need to take a bath/grimy

Hopeful

Action-oriented

Full of love

Forgiving

Pretty

Eager

Focused

Disciplined

Happy 

Worried

Healthy

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful day. I am grateful for all the people who adorned my day. I am grateful for this blessed life with all its experiences. I am grateful for all the people who grace my life. I am grateful for Pa who is far more tolerable than Ma. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life. I am grateful for every morsel I eat and for all the benefactors and beneficents in my life. I am grateful for beatitude and the divine.

Now I'll have a bath, chant and read.

Love,

Me.

8.34 pm

Journal 9.10.2024 9.12 pm Articles and life

Dear Journal,

I am absolutely tired from meeting Kar in the morning to then meeting Debo and See Dhir in the evening and putting in work in between.

The good news is that my football article has been approved and my pitch for the sailing article has been vetted.

I will likely have to get on the field to get quotes for this one.

I sat and created an Excel sheet for YI today. I thought I'd sit and write a little after coming back from Yari Road but I'm truly tired. I've also not been going for walks in the morning.

I might as well get all my writing done before 7 o clock pm and read at night.

The  Dalai Lama says, "Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck."

I can't shake A from my mind. I really am one of his true well-wishers.

Somehow not having him has made me more disciplined and geared.

Bu came in the morning and shouted for something or the other and left abruptly.

I read a little about oneness of self and environment. This is the same thing as Jung's synchronicity.

If we are not confident within that would reflect in the environment. It's vital to have conviction.

I must forge ahead spreading love, joy and cheer wherever I go with the conviction that I'm a winner.

I am feeling:

A little disheartened

Eager

Focused

Positive

Happy

Lovely

Sweet

Optimistic

Hopeful

Full of love

I must have more vibrant gushing life force.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I ate today.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences.

I am grateful that I read.

I am grateful that Kar wants to work with me.

I am grateful that I'm writing articles.

I am grateful for all the small and big ways that I'm supported by the Universe.

I am grateful for Ma and Baba.

I am grateful for Bu. I must change my heart towards him.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life. Life is fleeting, it passes by in a jiffy. I am sure I will make the best of each moment and each day.

I am grateful for money. (I always think I have to pay A back.)

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am going to read and chant and sleep now.

Love,

Me.

9.28 pm

Journal 8.10.2024 8.16 am Dream of A

Dear Journal,

I just woke up a bit ago from a dream where I am in a building of a great height, and very high up. I saw A in the dream where he told me he has found somebody else. And then I and some other fattish man start playing a power game and then I woke up.

I got a message from Y I that the meeting will be tomorrow.

So I'll make today count maximum.

I am feeling:

Half sleepy, half awake

Eager

Focused

Disciplined

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Loved

Sweet

Ready for the day

Now I'll do some Vaman Dhauti and Jal Neti and start the day. I'm sure I'll seize this day beautifully.

I am grateful for all the experiences in my life and for all the people who feature in it.

Love,

Me.

8.22 am