I'm so distraught. How does A not love me anymore? I'm so hurt.
Either he's not mature enough to know what love is or he really never loved me. But I can't believe that he never did.
The hormones are not helping and I'm very sad.
If he or Ma tell me not to do this movie, I won't.
He still matters to me. He always will. This parting is very painful. His silence cuts a sword through the heart. He was very rude to me on the phone yesterday.
His saying that he doesn't love me anymore is the most painful thing I've ever heard anyone say to me.
He always reminded me so much of Ma, saying harsh unpalatable things when not in a good mood and still being accepted and loved. Is that the case? I don't know.
Well whatever it is the truth always comes to light. God doesn't keep a single fact hidden, at least not for me.
It's not been easy dating him. First were all the comparisons, and then him talking about his wife on every date, then sometimes him getting angry, then sometimes him lying but I chose to focus on his stories that were plentiful, his heart and his mind so noble, on his thoughts and his sweet nature and all the good times we spent and I grew to love everything that was his and that he embodied.
I'm feeling very hurt today. I wish Nidhi were not in the hospital and I wish Qudsiya was in Bombay.
And I wish this journal could talk.
I wish I had a wise ear to listen to me and give me counsel.
I wish Shakyamuni Buddha were here so that I could share with him my pain.
And I wish that I'd gone to meet Vallabh today without fearing that I'd bump into Arun there.
I know that everything will turn out fine.
I know that life will turn out to be super good.
Writing in this journal is a huge respite.
I am feeling:
Hurt
Pained
Teary
Sad
Feel like giving up smoking
Worried
Hungry
Trying to find my happiness factor
I am grateful for all of life's experiences and all the people who feature in it. I am grateful for love and life.
Love,
Me.
10.42 pm
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