I'm absolutely irritated with Ma. It's so difficult living with her. I do love her. But then, she is so demanding and cold.
She has an elephant-sized ego and has always been very harsh along with C Mashi.
I remember once asking her where would she rate herself on a scale of 1 to 10 and she had said 3. Pa said 10.
I guess those who suffer from low self esteem pump up their ego.
"If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you," said Friedrich Nietzche. I must change my heart towards all the obstacles in my life, including Ma and Buro. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself.
C Jung says that man can actualise his potential only if he embraces his Shadow that is all the darkness within him. So here I'll explore my Shadow a bit.
My Shadow:
I have experienced pain right from when I was small. Be it a harsh mother or sexual abuse and domestic violence. I have not often processed that pain very well and given in to delusions and illusions. The other day Debo told me that Ma told her about her relationship issue with Thama. I want to tell Ma to get over it. She didn't even live with Thama.
The other part of my Shadow is my own ego that wants to feel accomplished and respected. What goes around comes around. So the more I give the more I'll get.
I think that this Journal is a good spot to vent. But like D Ikeda says, "Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune." It's important to focus on appreciating life and all the good parts of it.
The other part of my Shadow: Today I saw Rumpa Pishi, Shompi, Mrs Naidu, Pampa mashi and I ran away from them. Even in that moment I realised that I should have got out of my comfort zone and said Hello. I shy away from naysayers. I want to be praised. But life is not all a bed of roses to be viewed through tinted glasses. There are always more people pulling you down than encouraging you. The ones we love the most can be our biggest naysayers.
The other part of my Shadow: I smoke too much. I should stop. That day will come.
My Shadow: I am lazy. Gone are the days of school when I did well without studying, acing cocurricular activities too. Life needs action. Life needs fulfillment and actualisation.
Another part of my shadow: Love. I give far too much importance to love. But that's the way I like it. Sometimes, many a time, love hurts. I also could do with being more tidy and not fantasising and living in a world of dreams. I find that Transcendental Meditation is very effective in disciplining the mind.
I am a beacon of hope in choppy waters, an actualised, full, lovely human being.
I am a spot of sunshine shining over a sea turbulent with typhoons.
I am a placid loving human being. I am life. I am love. I am it.
The pain and joys we carry in our heart reflect. If I gaze into my happiness will not my happiness gaze back into me?
Love,
Me.
Ps: Yesterday Ka V F sent me a beautiful message, saying that she really values the poetry in me. She is so sweet. I told her I'm but an ordinary person. I am but an ordinary person. We all are.
9.39 pm
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