Journal 1.7.2024 2.15 am Monday

Dear Journal,

We just came back from Pishomoshai's 80th birthday celebrations. I do not like Abhi kaku. 

I shook his hand to congratulate him on Ishita's baby and he took his hand away. That's a very bad sign.

Additionally, Arun sounded very disinterested in me today. He didn't call me that much and it's been like that for quite sometime.

Of course he is loving. But then he's like that with everyone. He's a natural at sweet talking his way around. And he's not very honest.

When we went to Tap on Saturday with his friend throughout the first innings he just spoke to him and ignored me. He also kept staring at his female friend M throughout the first innings.

Additionally, and I take this very seriously, I am constantly getting the three of swords when I pick for our relationship. This has been happening for months. He is betraying me that I know. But how? Is there somebody else?

I'm a little pained you know. I really love him. But may be things are all a little woozie.

Also, I've been daydreaming. Whenever I daydream I know I'm escaping some harsh fact about reality that I'm too scared to face.

May be it is this relationship. This relationship is one I've been most invested in emotionally and it's really tough.

By the way I think Arun has the most mesmerising eyes in the whole world. Any girl who looks at his eyes will love him. And you know what, I don't trust that he will restrain himself from another girl's advances. For some reason I don't trust him on that account. Because he is very flirtatious.

I spent some good time with Pa today at the party. I told him that I love his depth of character and I'm really proud to be his daughter.

Anyway, frankly I've been most in love with A recently. I've fallen head over heels for him.

And I really don't like this heartache. And I really don't like this pain. 

The heart is most unreasonable.

Pa and Ma and Dimma and Dadu have taught me that love is everything but relationships need work and endurance.

May be I should distance myself a little from Arun for some time.

I know I'm not perfect but I know I'm an amazingly beautiful person. Because when I see people around me like I did at today's party I know that for some reason people don't really get the value of virtue. If at all my relationship with A is getting jeopardized that'll be it.

But I know I wouldn't date anybody else. Not after him. And I really wish that there is no after him.

This is difficult. But nothing good comes easy.

Anyway, I played with Naina today and spoke to Pisho. I do not like Abhikaku but I love Pisho. He is such a gentleman. This silly royal family feels so crooked. 

And I think both Naina and Neel are fantastic. Naina will grow to be a beautifully sweet woman.

It's also so difficult to talk to Buro. He is always proselytizing.

Anyway, lobe is a worthy cause no matter where when and how. In fact, love is all there is.

I actually really love Arun but something doesn't feel so right today.

Love,

Me.

2.43 am

Nothing old

Everything old is made to look new.

Now here is a thought bold: There is nothing old.

As a seed changes form and withers later as a tree

The conditions must be right to break on to a spree.

Two seeds conjoined to make me as I was

And they remain in me as I am newest now without a pause.

Am I even the harbinger of a spirit, a soul

Or am I just two seeds newest and made whole?

I am a true tree in human form with the garments given

That two seeds had conjoined and brought.

A stealer of hearts, a hoarder of love, a veritable thief,

I remain two seeds that exist upon my fief.

And then perish must I, giver of love and life

As two seeds that were too new and had to die.

There is nothing old, everything is now new

As just two seeds I am but only few.

-- Doel Sengupta

Patient Redemption

As I took my feet bare in all

Into the salty surging of the tide

The mighty great ball of fire at fore

Was plunging into the Nadir with a sigh.

About me revelled the melange of

The town that I call very mine

And by one side was a man preened at best

And on the other a girl in tatters high.

Everywhere I looked amid

The laughters and the cries

Disparity caused me to despair 

At God's very able jokeful lie.

Some there born into a thatched hut

Some calling palaces their homes from birth,

All at best wetting and betting the same

Upon the sands of time, that very dirt.

Time has never stopped to grace the goodness

Into a Pagan's blood and a King's forty bones,

Time is in the rudiments of the here and now

A sagacious tale of those that have won.

And yet what causes the peaks and troughs

Of destiny's way forward, I gazed and asked

As about me ran about children as horses

And horses as they were whipped and bound.

Is there any redemption yet for that man

Who has lost all his fortunes in a game?

Is there a prize in heaven for that laywoman

Who has beat ordeals, peaked mountains all the same?

This one life, the greatest gift

Holds all the bounties at a whiff,

And yet we may cry, Is there a second chance?

Is there laughter for the sniffs?

Could I sneak a peek into the future?

Could I very surely know

Which way will the waves take me hence

And am I prepared for the show?

That one virtue that the Sages omit

In the sermons came calling as a lark

And a voice within or may be without

Said, "Patience is all I ask."

And there about as I nurse the saplings

Of my desires with thoughts, words and deeds

I summon the wait, I wait for the door to open

As life serves me more than my needs.

One may water the seedlings,

Tend to the fledglings

But at last it is Nature's call

On who will rise and who will fall.

-- Doel Sengupta

Letter to myself (for Esc) 23.6.2024 9.34 pm

Hey awkwardly posed, dusky damsel, who sometimes puts on the garb of Damsel in distress,

Noone knows you better than I do, noone ever can and noone ever will.

You are 39 years old and it's the middle of a pesky monsoon in 2024.

Something tells me that you are a little bit hurt today and are nursing a wounded heart.

Nobody thinks about you as much as I do. Nobody loves you the way I do. And I'm your best judge and your best critic.

Naysayers may say a lot of things. People may also shower you with words of praise that they don't truly mean.

After a long time you say that you have fallen in love. What does that feel like? Lovely that you are I'm sure the man is deserving of your sweet affections. He is, isn't he?

Your parents love you.

You forged the path of Buddhism in your family that your parents took to like fish takes to water.

You say that you feel so connected to Shakyamuni that you've grown passionate about his path.

What do you feel about yourself?

I won't harp today on the past except for may be just a few words. If you look closely at the past you will realise that it's a mix of your strengths and weaknesses, resulting in some failures but a story of lovely success that is about to unfurl with full gusto. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Because for me you are always forgiven. And I will always love you.

Cease the self loathing. Give yourself a pat on your back for keeping your chin up against all odds.

Today, I want to talk about a few things that you told me in dreams.

That you've taken a vow is something that only I know. Your deepest desires only I know and your secrets only I guard.

Who is the one person you could share all your secrets with? Nobody, right? And I'm not going to spill the beans here.

You have suffered. When people hear your story, the whole story, the way you tell it they think you must be a dynamo.

Do you know what I think?

I think you have made mistakes and you should forgive yourself for them.

I think your vow and your prayers are going to adorn your life with beautiful jewels.

I think you are stalwart.

I think you are exceptional.

I think you are truly exemplary.

I think you have a lovely heart and a blazing spirit.

I think you are blessed.

I think you are one of God's sweetest creations.

I think you are a symbol of love and compassion.

I think you are wise. Wiser than you think.

I think you should get some exercise everyday.

I think you are beautiful.

I think you really are in love.

I think you are more talented than you give yourself credit for.

I think you are soft and sweet and that God won't let you suffer anymore than you already have.

I think you should spend more time with your parents.

And I think you are precious, to be treasured and anybody who is loved by you is truly blessed and lucky.

I think you are blessed and lucky.

Love,

Your best friend.

10.04 pm

Journal 23.6.2024 8.33 pm Sunday

Dear Journal,

Life is life. Life is love. Love is labour. Labour is love. Labour is life. My life is a labour of love.

I just got off a call with Arun. 

I must be completely mad that I love Arun so much. I really do love him. And I think I actually love him more than I realise.

He is married. He is not separated. He may never ever leave her. He is married married. Why and how and when exactly did I fall so deeply in love with him? And wherefore do I go?

As I was chanting today in the evening, I realised that all I (or anybody for that matter) has is the present. The past is gone. The future is unknown. And there is only the here and now. One of my Aha moments.

I studied three chapters of the Lotus Sutra today that reiterated that what you sow you will reap.

Arun said that his wife borrowed cigarettes from him over the phone. Yesterday he called her his baby. What is wrong with me? Why am I with him? And why do I love him like this?

This month he seems to have rekindled something with his wife. And this month has been very painful. At the start of the month he fought with me and told me really hurtful things. Later, as he told me it was his wife's birthday. Why am I with a man who is clearly two-timing me? I'm going to get so hurt. What should I do?

I'm scared of bringing this up because when he gets angry he says really hurtful things.

Yesterday we went to Arc. I did not drink alcohol because Arun told me he is very low on cash.

I haven't made a lot of money in many months. And I feel guilty about that.

I was very excited to later visit a dhaba to eat Bheja Fry. However, for the umpteenth time Arun sent back three perfectly cooked plates of Bheja Fry over quantity.

My Buddhist influences have taught me to be grateful for food, to not waste it and to always accept the food given because it is somebody's labour of love and effort that is being offered-- the Bhikku philosophy.

So in the end we had beef kebab pav, which of course is not as filling or yummy as Bheja Fry but I quietly ate it, still smarting from a little while ago when he called his wife his baby.

He does sound like he has something on his conscience today and when I told him that he started shouting.  

Ma and Pa have gone for a drive. I really really love my parents. I wish I had gone with them just to spend some quality time with them. But I was feeling a little loathe to go.

My parents are so cute. 

This is the moment. The present is a reflection of seeds sowed in the past. The future is determined here.

Yesterday Arun also told me that he wants to adopt two children. I love this aspect of his personality. This soft, sentimental, giving side of his that makes him this sweetheart that he is. And children are amazing, of course.

I love the Virgo that Arun is.

I love the Pisces that Pa is.

I love the Cancerian that Ma is.

I love the Aquarian that Chotto is.

I love myself.

I am grateful for all the people in my life who come with their experiences. I love my possessions. I love my support system. I am grateful for each moment of my life.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for me.

Love,

Me.

9.15 pm

Gazing

Have you ever soaked yourself

In boiling hot oil?

Have you ever felt the flames

Of love singeing and recoiled?

Have you ever seen red

Both of passion and wrath at once?

Have you ever felt amour so sweet

Through the cobbled path that bounced?

The path in Nether is so brambled,

The thorns hurt as you ramble

And as the grey clouds collect

One last time I am wet to reflect

At the shattered shards of my heart.

My head in the clouds

The sun does burn,

Through nightly dreams

I toss and turn.

And through the roads

Of dilly happenings no more

Can pain be deeper

Or the suffering more.

I hold a golden ball

Above my head,

Not a halo and not

One of deject

But a tiny sliver of hope

That yes, love does matter

And its feelings I can't reject.

I wish there was a reason

To be just as loving,

Just as sweet.

The pumping

Of the vast ocean of life,

Clears the drains

As I shut my eyes

And I am loathe

To listen to ten more lies.

Am I wronging so much

That I am sprawled?

Am I longing so much

That I ignore all doubts?

Must I let you swim all alone

Or not? I would drown

And roam the Nether worlds.

There again an angel I would meet

Who would show me your smile,

Your very neat teeth

And I'd still in my mind's deepest eye

Gaze into your soul

To fill the holes

Of all the bullets

That caused it to rain

On the bloody road

To Lover's Lane.

Let there be no more seeing red,

Let there only be looking ahead

For yes, this day I arrive at the goal

Of always gazing into your beautiful soul. 

Journal 16.6.2024 10.49 am Sunday

Dear Journal,

I am smarting with pain.

Yesterday Arun told me that he is a little low on cash because he celebrated his wife's birthday. 

And my mind went to that night this month when he got angry and said insulting things to me, pushing me away. He even said he wants to break up with me.

Even before whenever he has been insulting and angry as I always later learnt it was because of his wife.

I would have discussed it with him yesterday but a platoon of people joined our table.

I really love him. But loving him is so painful.

Yesterday, the platoon was enamoured by him. 

Pa is very upset with me that I didn't go to Abhi Kaku's house yesterday.

I shouldn't be with Arun, right? I shouldn't get in the way of his family, right? Especially since I know he does so many things for his wife I shouldn't,  right?

I feel very hurt. I have nobody to discuss this with. And I know my friends would advise me not to be in this situation.

Also yesterday when Arun was introducing me to the platoon he said: "I love her but thodi si pagal hai." That also really hurt.

He doesn't really think much of me. He doesn't really believe in me. And I think I must be my own refuge.

His view of me is so coloured by his biases and judgments.

And I feel really alone.

Yesterday when he called last night I cut the call when I heard him greeting his daughter.

I'm sure he treats his wife really well too.

I don't know where we are headed. Or where we are going.

There is no destination really.

But I don't want to lose him.

Because I do really love him.

And he is not offering me anything dignified.

And frankly, I'm very hurt.

I hope the path ahead is clear to me in the coming few days. Why did he start going around with me if this was the conclusion that I would never have him and that he would always do everything for his wife? Why is he seeing me? What does he want from me?

He says he wants just me. But I'm sure there is something else he needs that he doesn't talk about. Otherwise this relationship wouldn't be the way it is.

From the way he treats me I know he doesn't think much of me. May be he loves me. And I'm really very sad.

He says he's scared I'll leave him. I won't. I can't.

But I hope life becomes less painful.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for each person and each thing that adorns my life. I am grateful that God has showered me with the best of experiences by shining His infinite love, Grace and blessings on me and my loved ones.

From Jan through December

The winter months were cold and grey

And because there was no sunshine so no more hay,

I was living on a Planet called hope

But we started in warm rains, not in the cold snow.

Sometimes I garbled, sometimes you did too

And I grew to see you wild, throbbing and hot,

And many a times, I tell you plain and honestly, 

I was jealous when you played two for three.

Sometimes I thought I'd lose you, you'd take off

And through that I acted on insecure buds

But the flowering of your blessed love in my heart

Was so surprising, so overwhelming, I could cry with a start.

Sometimes I hurt you with my words,

Sometimes you lashed at me with your baritone girth

And through the rains as we begin again

Please promise me there will be many kisses and less pain.

Sometimes through the changing seasons I pray

That I'll always have you always year on year

Because I couldn't afford to lose your heart

And your precious soul, your playful guffaws. 

As heat comes and goes within and without

I don't expect lesser passionate bouts,

But more dewy adorations and affections true

Because from Jan to December we made it through.

Journal 13.6.2024 10.15 pm Thursday

Dear Journal,

I have been exhaustingly busy for the past two days. I've got a job under a pseudonym  with one of India's leading Astro portals and it's racy, it's rewarding, it's meaningful and of course it's exceedingly exhausting.

I have only got five star ratings so far and the people who consult me for Tarot readings show so much gratitude. My customer satisfaction rate is hundred per cent. I've already in two days got loyal clients who are booking long sessions with me. I speak the truth. I tell them some things are not possible. And yet despite not saying the positive lie they give me fantastic ratings and reviews and come back again.

So there is space for genuineness in this world. In fact, sincere genuine encouragement is much appreciated. To show care is not an underrated thing.

The money is not enormous but you know what I'm very very grateful.

So I was telling Ma this. And after I packed up after a day's work she snapped at me disapprovingly about reading Tarot and passed some snide comments. Pa piped in. And I of course when faced with unfairness always react angrily. I can't hold myself back. And just till a while ago Ma was screaming, and Pa was shouting at me.

Arun is showing support. But does he also feel the same way? Because yes, there's a general belief amidst my close ones that this is all mumbo jumbo.

I'm feeling very disheartened by this kind of reaction by my parents.

I went down to smoke a cigarette and drink a Thums Up, feeling angry and discouraged. I have been feeling discouraged by my loved ones for many years now because I feel they fail to show faith in me.

Then I remembered that Shakyamuni Buddha explains in the Lotus Sutra that when a good seed of karma is sown the devilish functions will arise to create obstacles and hurdles. That is when you perseveare, that is when you solidify the rooting of that seed of good karma. It has to become a strong plant to weather the storms of life. So that makes me grateful.

Swami Vivekananda says that if you don't face difficulties, if there is no opposition then be rest assured that you are not on the path of your purpose. He says that if people are not denouncing you, you can be sure that you are not following your heart.

After the last fight with Arun he has become very mellow. I've seen him like this before. The other day we went out and he said he'll pay the cheque by 9 and we left before 9.45 pm. I don't know what I'm doing with him. It brings tears to my eyes. 

Of course we talk, but I feel that he has distanced himself a bit in how much he opens up. Did I hurt him that badly? And why doesn't he want to spend time with me anymore? Where are we headed? Nowhere, that's what he'll say and that really hurts a lot too. May be I've been keeping engaged of late after the last fight because I don't want to face the truth, the reality of this relationship. If anything were to happen to jeopardize it, I'd be very sad.

Also, when he picks Tarot he always picks the Devil. It's a card he's chosen often. Well. We played Tarot the last time we met and I thought that would lighten the mood but in less than five hours we were saying goodbye. And that feels like a very short time with him. I dont want to hurt. And that is also a pain I have to process.

Anyway, I'll cherish him for the time he gives me and count my blessings. I love him a lot.

I admire him. He's so cute. And I love my togetherness with him. How does he feel?

I care about Arun and I care about all my loved ones. To be loved as I have learnt is not a smooth journey. There are brambles, and there are thorns. But the wildflowers flutter amidst it and the roses and lavenders give off their fragrant waft and it's all bearable. Because you don't grow roses without thorns, right?

Anyway when I messaged Arun a little over half an hour ago he was online but he ignored my message. I sound like my angsty Tarot clients at work. But I have noone to discuss him with. And when it comes to my own life I really am my own counsel.

Anyway, I'm sad that in over a month I will have to quit my job as a Tarot consultant. I love it so much. I hope I have the opportunity again after my Yoga course.

I really don't know which way I'm going.

But I know my vow. And even if I've not done anything I've at least never forgotten my vow and my oath. And I know that life is going to be fantastic but I also know that I won't be able to predict its opening and I won't even see it coming.

I guess I won't call Arun up. May be he'll get disturbed. I'll shower, clean my room, arrange my bed, read a bit and sleep. I need to sleep.

May tomorrow be fantastic!

Gratitude to all who grace my life and for all my experiences and to God for His infinite love, Grace and blessings.

Oh, also I met Rahul Majumder today. But I I don't want to talk about him right now.

Love,

Me.

10.58 pm

Journal 8.6.2024 11.12 am Saturday

Dear Journal,

I really hope Kali forgives me. I'm not even hurt anymore over the things he said.

I hope we have an amazing date today. I really really love him a lot.

Why am I so stupid? Why do I do or say stupid things? And why do I fight with him so much?

I hope things turn to better than before.

I'm on my way to Kamakshi's Mother's house.

Yesterday Shou called and said that I say the most angry and hurtful things when I'm angry and I should let my anger pass and not say hurtful things. I should not.

May be I should give Arun some space and time. The past week has been very electrically charged with fury on both sides

Also, I just smoked three cigarettes today. I really really want to quit smoking.

I love Arun. I love him more than ever today. And I really don't think I'll be able to live without him. And I must practise patience. And I hope we have a good date today. I think he may fight with me. But I'll let it be.

And I hope for things to turn around.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this wonderful day. I am grateful for my wonderful life and all the people who adorn it.

A story

I carry glasses expectantly

As the marriage bureau speaks

And every blessed bureau in this world

Stops properly the leak.

I think I need an escape

Through the fire down

As I am met by an old friend

Whose name is most profound.

And there I decide

I'll chart my path

Independently, on my own

As many seek to be off

On their blessed peaks,

Looking for a companion

To call them home.

And I think I've given you

A very tiring week,

And even then if all should summon

It would be only you that I seek.

I think not the time has come

When you really call me home,

As people are bound perfectly

To each they call their own.

Stupidity

Somewhere deep in the recesses of my heart

As my love for you grew and grew

I started harbouring secret expectations

Of a vision to be with you;

I grew expectant, I grew possessive

And I couldn't bear the thought

That may be as you explained before

Such a vision would never be wrought.

I know may be I sounded unreasonable

And probably also stifled you,

And I'm very sorry, deeply sorry

That my heart broke into two.

As the dawn breaks upon our story 

My loyalty will remain,

I really thought may be you wanted freedom

From my pregnant possessiveness and pain.

As the sun rises far into tomorrow's sky

May there be love for you again,

And the slightest yoke for me to bear

As my devotion for you remains.

I'm a stupid girl, an idiotic girl

Did you not know that before?

That only a girl as stupid and idiotic as me

Would break her honey's heart in two.

I'm sorry I complained so much,

I'm sorry I didn't let you be

Because believe me it was only

That vision of the two of us I could see.

As the day tarries on and we carry our load to bear,

I'll never forget that you felt scared and that I made you fear.

I really think you're better off without stupid, idiotic me

Whose love will remain in singledom,

Just because I prophesied

A life with you, a lifelong love

That was never meant to be,

I really feel you should be free

And truly forgive me.

Will you, please? I love you.

Journal 7.6.2024 8.36 pm Friday

Dear Journal,

I'm not one to take decisions of my life based on what other people think. Of course, the people I love do have their power and their influence over me. But that's as far as it goes.

Against all odds I've gone out and loved Arun publicly and shamelessly in the past one year. And I have no regrets.

But today I decided to end things with him. Because he sounded so unhappy to be with me and was finding me so intolerable and was so full of complaints. I love him too much to see him unhappy. And frankly, even I was feeling unhappy. He's tired of my messages. He said he can't take it anymore. And he also said a few times since Wednesday that he wants to end things. May be that's what did it.

The other day I saw a video in which an author said that in a relationship one person is always more separate, and one person is always more for being together.

Surprisingly, in this relationship Arun has always been the binding force. He is the one who has complained but he is the one who has stoically kept us together. I really really love him. And I really really can't live without him. It's his intention that has caused my love to blossom and it's his beautiful heart that has made me feel this vast expanse of love.

Any girl, literally any girl in the whole wide world would be lucky to have him. May be he could just reign in his anger a bit.

I've given him enough reasons to want to leave me and I think I will set him free. I couldn't bear the unhappy phone call in the morning. He says he can't tolerate my messages anymore and he has been finding me intolerable. I couldn't bear to hear that.

The coming few months are going to be very very hard for me because I actually fell head over heels in love with him. To my eyes he is still most handsome. And I do think I'll find it very hard as we move on.

I don't know why he is not happy in his marriage. And may be ive also given him a chance to work on that. I'll never ever stop loving him. Ever. He is such a supremely cute humanbeing. May be as our relationship progressed I started harboring expectations from him which I never did before. And may be those expectations couldn't have been met. And here we are.

And I know myself. I'm not dating any guy. May be it's a life of blissful singledom for me. Arun did say the other day that he has been living like a saint for two years. I don't know why we never ended up having sex. He must have his reasons.

I hope he's happy. And I hope his heart is full.

And that I haven't hurt him a lot.

I could see no future with him as his girlfriend. And that was very painful. Hopefully, he will give me his friendship and I'll secretly give him my wholehearted devotion and love as I've always wanted to.

He deserves love and I hope he finds that too.

I'll always love him. I really always will. And I think my tears will sing me off to sleep today.

And I wish I could get one last kiss on my lips from him. And I think I'll live knowing that I'm capable of loving deeply.

Love,

Me.

Wishes for you

The day has passed and the night is here,

Glorious, free and devoid of fear.

I wish to lay myself down by the crags

And summon the angels who have my back.

Love I did with all my sacred pumping heart

But you tore it to bits and said I was far from a lark,

I did not want to hurt you at all,

And yes I am sad now, but I was sadder with you that's all.

I wish you had let me say the things I wanted to speak,

And accepted me just as I am.

Actually I wished for many many things,

But now I know, you don't get all for the asking or for the show.

I'm sure you'll never forgive me for parting ways,

But I didn't see a path out of our relationship of decay,

And of course, if I hadn't I know you would call it quits,

And of course you didn't like my letters to read.

I wish to God you will remember me for all the good times,

And all the many ways I held you close and rhymed.

I wish the blackness would speak to me,

It's silence says that this is destiny.

I won't send this piece to you ever

But you should know I did try and I wish our love would grow.

But of course, you found many faults in me

And I think I'll now rest my head on the pillow deep

And wish I could live and breathe and get some sleep.

I wish the moon to give me some hope,

And I wish for a lot but that's ancient lore.

I wish you all the very best on this journey of life

With your home and your kids and your lovely wife.

Journal 7.6.2024 1.07 pm Friday

Dear Journal,

I am very sad. I told Arun that I accept him with all his flaws because I love him.

He said that he doesn't accept me with my flaws. Or at least, that is what I felt his silence implied.

I think the thing I fear the most is going to happen. He is going to break my heart.

I asked him for three things he likes about me: he said my beauty but he doesn't think I dress well, my smile and the fact that I love him.

He does not like anything about me as a person. He doesn't love me the way I love him.

I know that I'm not going to go very far with him. He will dump me. I really want someone to love me for who I am. I know I'm good, I'm sweet, I'm kind, I'm a good friend, I'm supportive and that I'm lovely and love wholeheartedly. I always appreciate my friends and I respect people genuinely. And I think I am a good chump to have around.

And to top it all I'm a woman, and I'm a good girl and I'm a good friend to my friends.

This relationship is not going to go very far. He will dump me when the chance arises. I just have to make my peace with it and accept it. I loved him wholeheartedly, firstly because he did say he loves me first, and I saw beauty in him and goodness in him and wonderfulness in him. I barely call him once or twice in a day and he made a whole issue about it, saying I disturb him with my calls. That's such a lot of bullshit.

I'm just waiting for the day he breaks my heart now.

He is quick to get angry, and he is quick to spite. He says he's not a good person. He knows himself best--- may be he feels that way because he's guilty of doing things. And may be he is not a good person. May be I was wrong. May be he'll hurt me very badly.

I know that you can't change anybody. I don't expect to change him at all that is why I accept him. But he wants me to change, not message etc etc. And he really sounds very unhappy to be with me these days.

I don't think he's mature. One thing I love about him is how he loves his children. Parents are always so worried about their children.

He keeps pointing out my mistakes. He is not a good companion to have like I thought and after talking to him today, I have lost all hope as to the future of this relationship.

And if I ever stopped loving him, he would not love me back.

Now, I'll get some writing done.

And I'll sit atop my very own peak and love myself.

I don't think I should call him or message him. I should not bother with him at all.

I hope God gives me someone who loves me because they think I'm a beautiful person too. And that they value me.

When ns told me a few months ago he loves me, he said. "you're so full of love but people don't appreciate you for that. And I love you because you're so lovely." Of course, I'll never date ns for several reasons, one being that I'm just not interested. But what he said was so sweet.

Guys always say the sweetest things when they want a girl to go out with them.

Even Arun said a lot of sweet things way back then and that is one reason I fell in love with him. But it seems that those reasons don't stand anymore. And I'm really tired of our fights. It's really getting to me. And I'm feeling most criticised and unappreciated and very low on morale.

I'm not going to break up with him but I know the time is not far when he will.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my beauty.

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful for my intelligence.

I am grateful for my creativity.

I am grateful that I'm a good friend to my friends.

I am grateful that I practise forgiveness.

I am grateful that I treat people with respect.

I am grateful that I'm sweet to the people in my life.

I am grateful that I'm a loving daughter.

I am grateful that I'm a loving and supportive sister.

I am grateful that I work hard.

I am grateful that I gave my all to Arun. And when it doesn't work out I'll have no regrets. I tried. And I'm grateful that he also loved me.

I am grateful for my heart that loves everybody.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for my heroic brother.

I am grateful for Sadhya.

I am grateful for my upcoming books.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings upon me and my loved ones.

Ps: I hope Arun breaks up with me soon. I can't take it anymore. It doesn't seem he really likes me at all. And I'm very tired. Very fatigued. And up to my head with his fault-finding and his criticisms. And may be after this Rollercoaster one week when he lied I think a lot of things have changed for me. I was wrong. He doesn't deserve me at all. And may be he is better off without me.

1.43 pm

It's so obvious when someone is interested in you. And it's so obvious when someone is done with you. I've run that routine myself so many times. It's so obvious that Arun is done with me. And today, I'm not scared at all of losing him.

Yes, I'll always think he has a sweet heart. And I'll probably also always love him.

But I can't take this anymore.

Yes, he bought me those flowers yesterday. And yes, I love it when he calls me. And yes, I love it when he says I Love You. And I love him for many many things that he is. But it's so obvious that he's done with me. He's constantly pulling me down, slamming me and hurting me. Of course, I'm not infallible but I was willing to give it a try.

But today, again like many times before he pushed me away. And in the past when he's hurt me like this I've always showered him with my love, remembering those first few moments when he said he loved me.

I think till he finally decides to end this I'll just savour the look in his eyes.

But I'm not wishing or hoping for anything.

Am I wrong? I don't think so. It's so obvious.

He is a very difficult person to be with and he's pushed me away like this many times before in our relationship right from the start. And one reason I'm so low is because he's so critical and always slamming me and bringing me down. Of course, then he also says he loves me.

But it's so obvious he doesn't want me anymore. This time is not like the previous times. We don't even eat anything on our dates anymore.

And I'm kind of tired of him only finding fault with me. I really don't want this anymore. With no hard feelings he's made it quite clear that this is the end of the road. And may be I should let him go so that he is happy and I am happy. And may be I'll only be happy when I'm free. And after today's phone call I'm not scared of losing him anymore. And I know he hates me for many things today but I hope at the end of it all he will realise that we had something special and that I am/was good to have.

Forgiveness

There is no turning back,

You said all that you did

And you said all that you hid

Before, and there is no turning back.

Often, when Mother spanked me

Or someone dear was very harsh

I have forgiven them completely

And made sure my love does last.

I thought you loved me truly,

At least that is what you said

And may be you do,

Or may be you dont

But I'm hurt

And I'm smarting

And like I've forgiven all my loved ones

And shown them only love

I'll do the same with you.

I'll let it go.

But I'll never forget

That you are no better

Than all the others

I love truly

And may be that's a good thing.

explanation

If you have really judged me so harshly

I think I deserve to know why exactly

You spewed venom and if you really think

I'm so slow.

Do you really think I have no brains,

And do you really hate my whole personality,

And do you really think I've never been there for you

And that I'm supremely narcissistic?

Since you spoke these words I am sure

You've mulled them in your mind

And you asked me to forget you ever said such things,

How can I?

The very fact that you spoke thus means

You've thought these thoughts a lot.

What exactly do you think of yourself

That you so broke my heart?

Even if you leave me today I won't

Speak such words to you because

They are despicable and disrespectful.

Do you really not respect me at all?

You've hurt me very badly

May be because you wanted to end it with me

Like you said you did.

And I don't think I'll be the same ever again with you

After all that you said to me.

I won't denounce you,

I won't criticise,

I'll never speak such things to anybody

And I know for once you didn't speak lies.

I think we can sit across from each other tomorrow

And I'd really like to know

If you really do hate my whole personality

And if you really think I'm brainless and slow.

I do not want to fight with you,

But I also do not want to hide

That you've broken my heart to pieces

With your deception and your lies.

Today I won't bring it up like we decided

But tomorrow I'm announcing it clear

You owe me an explanation for why you said you hate me so much.

I will forgive you, I believe I will, because I'll try very hard

But I'll never forget that you said

All you said and that you don't like me at all.

May be you've lost your love for me,

May be you really don't think much of me,

May be I got it all wrong

That I fell for your tales of love,

I won't forget at all

That you said you completely dislike me.

Journal 7.6.2024 8.45 am Friday

Dear Journal,

I am still smarting from all of Arun's nasty words the day before yesterday.

It's going to take me some time to recover.

It hurts so much that he has such a low opinion of me.

I do love him. 

But I'm really very very hurt.

I don't think after all the things he said I'll be the same person with him. Of course, he meant all those words. And he also said he wants to break up with me. Why didn't he?

He doesn't think I'm beautiful. He's said that at least a million times. And he has no faith in me. That he's conveyed at various points in our relationship. I don't think he'll ever change his mind because that's what judgmentality is like.

Anyway, I'm still with him. And he'll say all those things again. Because he always does.

Nobody has been as rude as he has been with me. I don't want to talk to him for some time.

Of course, I will forgive him. But I know that people don't change.

He's expressed explicitly that he doesn't think much of me. And that really hurts a lot.

It's not like we do anything but drink together. We don't do any work together as I understand because he doesn't think much of me. Does he like anything about me at all? I'm sure he doesn't like me at all like he told me.

I'm really very hurt. I frankly need some time off from him because I don't even feel like touching him after his nasty words.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I woke up bright.

I am grateful for the lemon juice Pa makes for me each day.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful for this beautiful day.

I'm grateful for this wonderful life.

I am grateful for love.

8.54 am

Ps: I really hope I can forgive him. Frankly, if someone thinks the kind of things he said he thinks about me we shouldn't be together, right? Why is he with me when he doesn't think much of me, when he doesn't like me at all, when he thinks I have a problem in my head? Frankly, I think he has a huge problem in his head. I'm not going to kiss him for some time. I need to heal. Why do the people I love try me like this? I don't think he loves me. Otherwise he would not have said the things he said. I'm very very heartbroken. And I hope I don't give him too much mindspace today. He shouldn't be with me since he disrespects me so much.

Journal 6.6.2024 10.02 pm Thursday

Dear Journal,

Arun called me around 7 and asked me to come down. And he presented three Rajnigandhas to me. He is such a sweet humanbeing. That completely took me by surprise. And I love being surprised.

I walked around with the flowers and smoked a few cigarettes and Bhalla accosted me. He said the flowers were lovely. And he thanked me profusely for teaching him how to chant and said that his life has changed because of it. Of course, I myself do not chant so much these days. He then asked me for a cigarette and discussed Modi with me.

Then I walked a bit more and bought sugarcane juice for Ma and went home.

I put the flowers in the pot with the lemon plant. A said I should crush Crocin pills to make them last longer, which I'll do later.

I'm still hurt. But I know this hurt will pass. Because all things always do pass.

I was truly touched by the gesture and he looked far happier than he did yesterday.

This is the second time he got me flowers.

Even the first time it was after a huge fight.

I myself have been thinking of getting him a bar of chocolate for chewing his brains.

What is life really? And what does all the love in life really mean?

I messaged Arun and apologised for stinking. I truly was having sweated all day long. But he said I smelled alright.

What's on his mind I'll never know. What made him buy me the flowers? I was so taken up by surprise that I don't think I reacted just as I should have. Well, anyway there is no one way to thank a person.

What and who should you love? And should you love for the sake of loving?

Swami Vivekananda said: "In the tussle between following your brain or your heart always choose to follow your heart."

And that is exactly what I've done. If I'd followed my brain I don't think I would have been with Arun. Because to the mind the whole thing is hackneyed and the probabilities are against it.

Anyway, I have no clue why I was the recipient to three stems of effervescently smelling flowers. May be he felt bad. Or I don't know. 

It does make getting over the whole episode easier. And I think it's awfully sweet of him. He's such a sweet-hearted person.

I think I'll just go with the flow. I don't know where life is taking me. But through all the love and the pain I know I've got a worthy companion and friend for life. But when I told him that yesterday, he said he doesn't feel that way.

May be I'm not beautiful enough for him or may be he has all those problems with me that he cited that he's scared of me and thinks I'm deficient in the brain or may be he just feels I'm not a worthy companion.

You can't slam people's tastes and choices. And you can't really judge them for judging you.

 To each his own. May be he feels I'm not good enough for him in all those ways.

And I'll really try to get past the hurt and the pain. "Sticks and stones can break bones. But words, they can shatter the soul."

Even I've hurt him with words. And one must choose words carefully. Because words leave a lasting impact on the mind. That is why the pen is mightier than the sword.

I truly hope he forgives me for all the nasty things I told him. Last night I realised I must have really really hurt him a lot since he was spewing so much venom.

Anyway, I won't bring yesterday up with him at all. Because the flowers are a gesture that he probably wants me to forget about it.

Let's see what the road ahead is like. Let's see where I'm led and what is in store for me.

And I really hope I heal soon from whatever I was told yesterday. And I will. I always have.

When A told me yesterday that Buro was wrong when I'd put him on the phone once, I thought about it later.

Human relations are always so complicated. Of course, I love Buro. I worry about him and I obsess over his wellness. In fact, I love him the most in this world. And of course, I'll always forgive him. He's a good boy, a courageous, heroic, respectful boy.

And I'll also forgive Arun. He's also a good humanbeing, a lovely, sweet humanbeing who I love.

As I've gone on thus far in life, I've realised that forgiving is paramount to happiness in life because Man always hurts Man and human relations are rife with pain and are always a struggle. No matter how much the love, I hope Arun forgives me too.

He told me many times last night and this morning too that he wants to break up but he's scared that I'll make his life difficult. He's so illogical. If he lets me go, I'll have no right really to tell him anything.

And he said it many times, and I myself have said it before and it's the largeness of his heart that we are still together. I must have really hurt him that he felt that way. Or may be feels that way still. Because I can't read his mind.

Any way, for whatever it's worth I have three long-stemmed flowers adorning my lemon plant. I think I'll pen a short but sweet thank you message to him, switch off the light and drop dead.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all of life's myriad experiences that have made me stronger and wiser. And I'm grateful for each being that graces my life, especially Melon.

10.49 pm

Ideals

By Doel Sengupta

Ideals are like stars.

One cannot touch them with one's hands

But like a seafaring man on a desert of water

One chooses them as one's guides to reach one's destiny.

If you ask me, ideals I have many,

Idealistic as I am, I sit ideally

Submerged in this thought through joy and strife.

Above all else, I uphold the ideal of love,

And respect for all minds

And Truth that can unshroud the mysteries of life.

And above even this of course is the ideal of Grace,

The lessening of retribution

And to be a part of the cosmic symphony and race.

Even though now I sit a little idle, rhyming words

And casting charms,

My ideals will carry me across

The turbulent river of life

As they always have

And keep me surmounted from harm.

If you beg to differ, I have only this to say,

Just tell me what ideals help you kneel and pray 

And I'll cast on you an oracle,

And cite a prophecy clear,

What exactly are the ideals

You hold so dear?

I have face to show

And a path sublime

Because my ideals carry me forward

And help me steer and surmise.

If you think I am now clearly out of my mind,

You may unjoin your arms from mine

And some day when you've reached a milestone far away

You may to this poem rewind

All your thoughts and ways.

For I say it once again so you may hear it clear:

Ideals are like stars.

One cannot touch them with one's hands

But like a seafaring man on a desert of water

One chooses them as one's guides to reach one's destiny.

For what are you destined?

-- inspired by my father DJ Sengupta.

Grace

We are all vessels of God's infinite grace

And it is in Him that we must merge

For all the Earthly acquisitions fall short

Unless in His love and grace we are submerged.

We each according to our contour and scape

Only exhibit His divine love and play,

And in expecting from the world there must be pain

Unless through His heart we determine all our numbered dates.

All his myriad vessels are beautiful, each with qualities benign and gold,

And I bow reverentially to each one of them

Because I asked for a sign

And at first He spoke in mimes

But then the message was loud and clear

Because I am but His messenger, and no seer,

And I sought and I found,

Reminded again that I fall way short

Without His precious love and grace

From all acquisitions, in all manners

Because what if all we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream,

The divine dream of my life,

Playing out so beautifully

In His  beautifully spirited mind.

Supplication

Oh lord, I am so pained and so heartbroken,

So shattered and so small,

Could you please hand me a ray of hope

So that I may stand tall?

I know I've not been infallible 

But will you please forgive me for all my digresses

And for all the times you've made me see

That I'm nothing without your grace?

Please, Oh lord, grant me love

Because that's the greatest boon you have given me,

This heart that feels,

These knees that kneel

In supplication to you.

Please dear God give me faith,

Give me the power of belief,

Give me the courage and the strength to break free

And the energy to run after all I seek.

Please, Oh lord, let me leave behind all the naysayers

By the wayside;

Let them lie, Oh dear lord, with their scathing words

And heal these wounds made so deep.

Please, Oh dear lord, give me friends who love me for who I am,

And believers who believe in me and show it in every way.

Please, Oh dear lord, the other day I asked you for a sign,

And you bequeathed me with pain

And I must think that's your infinite grace

And your immense blessings on me;

So I thank you dear lord

For answering my prayer.

Give me more signs, will you?

Let the path ahead become easier and clearer,

I surrender all to you and in you I reside.

Journal 6.6.2024 3.47 pm Thursday

Dear Journal,

I'm really reeling from all the hurtful words Arun said yesterday.

He really hurt me by saying I have never been there for him or done anything for him ever. He keeps talking about his ex Candy all the time. And he said she is his best friend because she has fought with the whole world for him.

Then he said that I'm not right in the head. He said many other hurtful things too. But these two things really broke my heart.

Does he really feel that I've never been there for him? And does he really feel I am not right in the head?

May be I'm giving him too much importance. And I really must sit and focus on my own work.

Of course, right from the word go yesterday he looked very sad. He wasn't in a great mood to begin with.

Anyway, the future is a blur. And I must get my own head and own act together. I can't afford to be lazy. I really really can't.

He says my demeanour changed yesterday that's why he got angry. But I wasn't really feeling angry or sad. I was just checking my phone. And he also called me narcissistic.

Right from the start of our relationship he sometimes gets mad and makes me cry.

Of course, even I get mad at him. And I know that I've also hurt him with my words.

It's all too much sometimes. He's married. And he lives with his wife and has a marital life with her. He also just told me he has a family function to attend.

Am I actually the world's most stupid girl who is in love with a man who is married and who has no faith in me and says he is scared of me and a man who is not honest? I am stupid. 

I am not feeling too good today. And my heart is broken. He has told me before many times that there is no future for us. And that has brought me to tears in the past.

I must be the world's most stupid girl.

What the hell am I up to?

And why exactly do I love him so much?

And why exactly am I not getting my act together?

And what am I doing with a married man who doesn't see a future with me?

After he's told me that he thinks I'm not right up there I don't think I should give him so much importance. His words are sullying day by day. And, of course, he has proven that he is not truthful.

Anyway his phone is not charged and may be he won't call me through the day.

Whether he thinks I'm capable or not capable doesn't matter to me anymore. Because no one knows me better than I do. Each person knows oneself best. Even he knows what his faults and merits are. I don't know him the way he knows himself.

And I know what my faults and merits are. And he'll never understand me the way I understand myself.

My heart is completely shattered to bits.

I hope the path ahead is lit for me.

I know that things are going to turn out for the best but not at this rate and not at this pace.

And after his words yesterday I've frankly lost all hope with him.

I'm feeling tired and lost.

He doesn't even ever apologise.

If he really has such a low opinion of me I don't expect any great outcome. He's good in many ways. But his lack of appreciation of me and his lack of faith in me has always bogged me down but his words yesterday just did it.

I don't think I need his low opinion of me in my life.

And through this tough time when I'm so heartbroken I'm reminding myself of all the times he has been sweet to me and shown me his love and care. But he really has such a poor opinion about me that that shadows all the good, pleasant times we've had.

And, frankly I've never loved anybody the way I love him.

"LE COEUR A SES RAISONS QUE LA RAISON NE CONNAIT PAS."-- Pascal

Aptly said. That is exactly how I feel. There is no reason simply but my love for him to go on. And I hope he loves me too. There's simply no other reason at all.

I can have all the best intentions in the world. But there is no greater intention than love.

No greater force.

No greater power.

And may my broken heart heal fully.

I'm going to pick up the pieces today. I think the nature of my relationship with him has probably changed.

Through muted hope we always wish for the best even though the writing is clear on the wall and can the course of destiny change miraculously in a second, a minute? I must forgive him for his words. Because otherwise I don't think I'll be able to go on.

All the things he said yesterday were outright disrespectful. I think it was his retaliation for my messages to him on Sunday. Anyway, love is also acceptance through tough times. So I'll really forgive him for yesterday. But if he really has no faith in me, is there much point?

I'll always love him, always honour him for all the wonderful things he is. But I'll never believe it when he says I'm not cut out for something, or that I'm deficient in the head and all these acerbic things he says.

He said yesterday that he's always lost out on life because of his arrogance. But I don't think that is what it is.

I think it's his words when he's sad that are scathing. It's his utter disrespect sometimes for the person sitting in front of him and showering him with love.

I'm actually very very hurt by him.

He doesn't respect me the way I respect him. He doesn't believe in me the way I believe in him. And for all his faults I would never say he is wonky in his head, but that is what he said about me yesterday. 

He told me yesterday all the reasons he completely dislikes me. And that list was extant. It covered everything.

So is there anything he likes about me at all?

Does he even care about me?

Or does he so believe in selfishness that he really truly sees no good in me at all?

And why exactly do I love him so much despite everything?

"Tough times never last. Tough people do."

I'm going to be ultra tough now with no expectations from anybody, especially from him. Because after yesterday, I don't think I can expect anything from him.

May be I should take this break till Saturday seriously and just stay off him.

I'm very pained to know that he thinks so little of me and I hope I can make peace with it.

Please let the way ahead be shown to me.

Love,

Me.

With love

I can imagine you seething and clenching

From all my hurtful words

And I know I really hurt you

Because you really hurt me too.

I'm very sorry for all the things I said,

I would never want you to feel sad

And, frankly, I just wish

You had more faith in me instead.

Of course, I trust you silly, 

Of course, I believe in you,

And of course, stupid boy

I've said it a million times before 

That I have implicit faith in you.

I'm so sorry that you felt

You were so falling apart,

And you did say that you fear me,

At that I can no more laugh.

I can wish for small things

And big things and things

Happy and good,

But I will never again,

Speak words such as those

No matter what you do.

No one ever has told me what you did

That you think I'm not right in the head

And you really woe that about me,

I just wish there was a seed I could plant in thee

That you would some day have more faith in me.

Hopefully, some day you'll view me differently

With more love and charm

And for all the things you're scared of,

I'll say I'm the last person to lay you harm.

I write many poesies to you,

I tell you in many different ways

That I do love you deeply

And I wish you would let me stay.

I don't know how you feel today,

I hope you are happy and glad,

As for me I'm still a reeling

From the smattering you gave me and I had.

Journal 6.6.2024 12.54 pm Thursday

Dearest Journal,

I absolutely love my boyfriend. I love him even more today than ever.

Yesterday, he said many things. But methinks I've also said things to him over messages when I've been upset. And I'm going to let all his nasty words go. I won't think about them at all.

But I'll never forget that this time he said he actually wants to leave me. And I'm so grateful that he isn't.

I really really love him.

I love him when he's sad. And I dote on him when he's happy. I think he's a fireball when angry and most adorable when he is sweet.

And I won't hold our fight of yesterday against him at all. When you forgive, forgiveness should be absolute. So I won't even bring it up.

I just hope that he is happy to be with me. And that he loves me too.

I've set myself a deadline of July 15, Ma's birthday, to finish my novel and I hope it turns out well. Keeping my fingers crossed.

It's nice to be a part of Jessica's group. It's very helpful.

Arun said let's give each other a break till Saturday. Of course, all he's asking for is space and I'll give him all the space he wants.

As long as he is with me I can give him absolutely anything. Even if he isn't with me I can literally lay everything at his blessed feet and hold his sacred hands each day and shower him with my love and adorations.

What makes me love him so much? It may seem obviously that it's because he loves me too. That's a major reason, of course.

But I'm actually a great admirer of his. I understand him and I know what an amazingly wonderful humanbeing he is. 

I respect him deeply. I love him completely and may God grant me his love and togetherness.

I know not how long the road is

Or how far ahead,

I know not what destiny has in store

And whether it's blue, yellow and red.

But I do know that I love deeply

That one man who melts my soul,

And I know that having him in my life,

Makes me happy, solemn and whole.

I hope to have the wisdom

To accept him and love him through storms,

And I hope I always have the means

To make him feel sweet, cozy and warm.

I love the smell of his skin,

And I love his blessed heart,

And I love him when he's angry

And when he sneezes and farts. 

May I accept him wholly

No matter what he says or does,

And let me pour into his life

All my moist, healthy love.

May you grant me dear God

This superpower I wish to have

That no matter what he says or does

I'm a constant and I lovingly him clasp.

Let me never err again dear God

When he is hurting and speaks hurtful words,

Give me the courage dear God

To let strifes pass and let me make him feel loved.

May I always make him feel precious

And blessed to have me in his life,

And may I always operate from a place

Of love and honour and be just and kind.

For all the treasures in this world

I couldn't let him go,

And I hope that through my writing of this,

This he will surely know. 

Now, to chant, pray and meditate. Now to eat lunch and then spend three hours writing.

Love,

Me.

1.17pm

Ps: I really hope Arun doesn't mean it when he says he's scared of me. That makes me very sad. But I can let that pass too. May be he's scared now and later he won't be. I really feel like calling him up just to tell him that I love him. For all my life I'll tell him those three words in different ways. But I won't call him because he said Let's Not Get Under Each Other's Skin Till Saturday. So I think I'll respect that. How God have I really found him? And why do I love him so deeply? I'm sure it's a karmic cosmic connection even though I don't dwell on it that much. But I'm sure he was meant to happen. With him I'm so in the moment and I cherish every moment with him. May I never react as I did last night when he is hurting and saying hurtful words. I love him, I honour him and I respect him. And I love his hands and his feet and his body and his soul. And I really hope he forgives me too and doesn't say again that he's scared of me. I'm not perfect but I'm perfectly potty about him. I'll never forget that he said that he does not want to be with me. And I'll never forget that he said he feels I'm not right in the head. That really hurt me a lot more than anything else that he said yesterday. Of course, I do trust him. And I'll never ever hurt him ever again. Well, I'll count my blessings today. May be sometimes you love someone but you have to live with the fact that that person doesn't believe in you and lacks faith in your abilities. I won't further crib or complain here now. I really love him. And I believe in him. And I have faith in him. And I have faith that I'll go very far.

if you feel

The road is long ahead

And you've plunged me into a tunnel,

Where I am groping in the dark,

Singing as a lark.

Out of life's myriad troubles and chagrins,

I chose you as my companion,

Not the sweetest talking

And never ever stalking.

And you may have a million reasons to dislike me,

And another million reasons to keep me away from home,

But no, that is not for me

Because I fell in love with your beautiful soul.

Yes, you looked very sad yesterday

And you said things most unkind,

I would never impinge on your freedom

Or ever have you bind.

You say I've never done a thing for you,

And you think I'm deficient in the head,

And of course you said you've become a saint

Because we never took each other to bed.

Whenever there is trouble calling,

Whenever in your life there is strife,

Know that you will still have a patient ear

And a shoulder there to lie.

I will never bear grudges against you

Because I really love you more than you do,

And I'll let your nasty words recede from memory

Because I really love you whole.

Do tell me what you really feel

Whether we should really part ways because you don't see

Any good in me at all,

Or is there some good

That you never let enter your talk?

Because if you really feel I am no good

I'd rather let you go,

But if you just say that you were sad hence

You shattered my heart whole.

I'll never ever let you down ever,

I'll always prove I love you more

And believe me you'll always be the cutest guy for me

And I'll never ever say: I don't love you anymore.

For whatever it's worth,

For whatever it is

I wish you all the very best

With kindness and love in my heart

I don't know if I'll ever pass your test.

I'll always think you have the most beautiful eyes,

And the sweetest smile

And it'll take me a while

To forget that you absolutely me dislike.

Please do dial my number again today,

Please let me really know

Whether you really hate me as much as you said

And if you really really wanted to let me go.

There is no reason to fear me,

There is no reason to think I'll ever hurt you,

There is no reason for me to feel so empty today

And there is no reason to not play.

And all these sweet words above are not to keep you,

But to guard my love and my adorations and admirations

And to tell you that you may hate me completely

But I do love you whole:

I always have and always will.

So if you think you want to be set free

I love you so deeply that I'll let it be,

You shouldn't be with me if you fear me

But yes, if you do feel that despite all your disliking

There are things you like please do pick up the phone

And call me, I'd love to hear your sweet voice.

Journal 6.6.2024 8.47 am Thursday

Dear Journal,

I love Arun.

But yesterday, for whatever reason, he kept slamming me. He told me I've never been there for him, he told me I am deficient in the head and that he doesn't like me at all. To top that he said he's scared of me and is not leaving me because he thinks I'll make his life difficult.

Of course, if he left me, I would never make his life difficult. Because then I wouldn't have the right to.

When he said he wants to leave me, I broke up with him.

He has many many flaws and so do I. Nobody is perfect. And this is not the first time he's made me cry like this. His unkind words hurt a lot. I understand him, and I love him for the man that he is. But I don't think he understands me. And his perception of me is not favourable.

He also told me I am not respectful towards my parents and only criticised me after a point. I don't want to be with someone who pulls me down so much and says only unkind things about me. That is about someone. But I want to be with him. Because I love him. I really really do. But love is not the only reason people should be together.

Relationships are bound with respect and for the umpteenth time he was very disrespectful. The way he fought with me yesterday, reminded me of the times early on when we started going out when he used to make me cry. He also called me narcissistic.

What should I do? If he is so unhappy with me, I should let him go, right?

I actually can't live without him. Through all his negativity about me I understand him.

He said I should trust him. And I do.

But he's never ever been appreciative or kind to me.

Yesterday we sat at qd till closing time and I didn't eat anything. I was so hungry but there was no proper food at home.

Let's see how today goes. I won't fight with him at all. Since he said he wants to leave me it's up to him if he wants me.

Yesterday, Arun hurt me a lot. And yes, to appreciate him, I have to say he's been there for me. But if he feels that I've never been there for him I should set him free, right?

I have no clue what will happen now.

I'm in tears today. I'm so sad because he actually said he wants to leave me but he thinks I'll make his life difficult. I won't make his life difficult at all. And his acid words ran a sword through my heart. 

I think I'll focus on my writing today. I'm the last girl to keep him bound when he is so unhappy with me. And I'm in tears today.

By the way, he looked extremely sad yesterday right from the start of our date. May be he was in a very bad mood.

I'll always love Arun. I really always will. And I'll always count him as special and adorable.

But I don't want to be treated this way. And I want him to be happy.

Towards the end he did say he would be with me if I want to be with him. Of course I want to be with him but he's not happy to be with me at all. And he did say he's not leaving me because I'll send him messages. He's so stupid.  If we are not together why would i send him messages? 

I'll just let him chill today and I won't bother him at all. But I'm very very very sad today. Very hurt and very sad.

Because I really thought he would feel nicely about me. But he does not. He hurt me very very badly yesterday.

Let's see what life throws my way.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my life's many experiences and all the people who adorn it. I am grateful for this glorious day. And I'm grateful for love and life. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

9.16 am

Ps: Yesterday, he was most unkind to me. And he did say he wants to leave me but he's scared to do that. I won't scare him. I'll let him go. If that is how he feels that he should leave me, I shouldn't hold him back. Yesterday, he cooked up a lot of things and denied that that waiter in Raj Palace ever said that we look good together. May be I don't bring anything special to his life. I will always, ALWAYS love him. He is still my soul. He is still my heartbeat.  And I still think he's wonderful. But I don't think I should be with someone who is so unhappy to be with me. And I won't be able to date anyone and I know this day is going to be spent crying and feeling sad. I won't send him messages and I won't bind him. I love him too deeply to make him this unhappy. I'll miss spending time with him. And I'll really really miss him.

I do think that he appreciates people who don't do anything for him. And he feels I've never been there for him. Of course, I can forgive him for last evening and I have. And I do hope he calls me. But the way he said yesterday that he doesn't like me at all was very hurtful. I don't want to be slammed like this. I don't want to be this hurt. He did say he wants to leave me. And I shouldn't hold him back at all. I love him too much to see him unhappy because of me. I'll miss him a lot. I really do love him.

Anyway, I hope God lights the path ahead and shows me the way. Whatever the outcome I won't trouble Arun anymore. I hope he's always happy and always successful. And I'm very very sad today. :(

Journal 4.6.2024 5.22 pm Tuesday

Dear Journal,

Today is election day and I had a pleasant dream with Rahul Gandhi in it.

Today Ma and Pa came to check out Yoga Institute with me and then we went out for lunch to one of Ma's most favourite places.

Biswada called and told me a lot of things.

I told him to thank his friend.

I did not really talk to Arun that much over the phone today.

When Arun says he will never cheat on me he is just giving me words, right?

Trust is not bought through words but earned through action. He has promised me a lot of things but he has not done even one of them.

I really love him. Not for anything external or material, but for him, for how he is.

Of course, I can be positive as I generally am and go on with him. But this whole lack of surety I feel really bogs me down. And the future is a blur, really. A big blur.

And I know from the way he talks that he really loves his wife and that is very very painful.

How did I land in this situation? And is happiness guaranteed in the future? What is going to happen? And if something painful were to happen I'd rather that it happened as soon as possible so that it's over. And if the result is fixed to be something beautiful I'd rather that that also present itself soon. Whatever it is I hope I'm not hurt further than I already am.

I can't take steps based on assumption.

Yes, it's true that I share a beautiful bond with Arun and I always have a great time with him. But life is not spent wholly in bars drinking alcohol, not for me. And I know from experience that he is not really interested in my prospects because we rarely if ever further conversation in that direction and he has always run me down earlier whenever I have enthusiastically spoken about my plans. So I always feel he will not be supportive and that he doesn't really believe in me. And that has been a huge deterrent. He says that I should not seek validation from him. I should not, and I do not. But criticism can be very abrasive. And I do feel he is not very objective when it comes to judging people. He can be very biased and let his emotions do the talking. And I do feel he has no faith in me because he has never done or said anything to prove otherwise ever since I've known him. All he talks about is my looks and then in a moment of disappointment he says I'm not so beautiful.

If he trusts me as he says, it's because I've never given him any reason to not. 

Five things I absolutely adore about Arun:

1. Most superficial. I think he is very handsome and incredibly cute. His beautiful soul reflects on his cute face and my heart melts completely when he smiles.

2. His beautiful soul. He is a beautiful human being with a heart of gold.

3. I love his body language. It's a reflection of the beautiful person that he is.

4. His smell. It is to die for. I love giving him chummas.

5. His mind. That is most alluring for me. I love his conversations and his ideas and his imagination and all the love that he harbours.

Anyway, I'm a pile of anxiety at the moment because I haven't met him in over a week. And we had a huge fight. And whatever my heart says will happen always manifests. So I'm a veritable pile of nerves. And I've not been having very good dreams of him.

And I hope many good friends enter my life now and that my cup runneth over.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that we had awesome seafood for lunch.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa. I love and respect them.

I am grateful for my heroic chotto.

I am grateful for Arun. I love him and today I'm a little scared of being hurt.

I am grateful for Biswada and all my friends like him. At many instances Biswada has gone out of his way and proven that he really values my friendship. And he's done it again. May he experience immense success and beautiful happiness.

I am grateful for a life filled with love.

I am grateful for my beautiful home and all my wonderful possessions.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for Google.

I am grateful for all the things I write.

And I am grateful for my destiny.

I am grateful that I'm healthy.

6.06 pm

Journal 3.6.2024 10.39 pm Monday

Dear Journal,

There is a part of you that you keep for loved ones, there is another part for the world and there is a part of you that is only for you, things you wouldn't reveal easily to others and that only you truly know and understand about yourself.

I know this to be a fact through experience of having had a lifetime of friends. When you cross the bridge with someone and share that third very private part of you, even if only in glimpses, then your friendship has reached a milestone. And that's the most difficult thing to do because it makes you most vulnerable.

That is what I always feel: That Arun has spent such a huge part of his life with his wife that he must have very often revealed that third aspect of his personality.

I'm just a new friend for him on this journey of life.

I know such things about my own mom, dad and brother and many friends.

I myself would find it very difficult to reveal those very private realisations about myself with him or with anyone. But my close friends know a lot of such things about me.

And it must be very difficult for him sometimes to handle me and have me with a family and all that. And may be, having understood this, I could give him the space that he needs to work and play and home and live and breathe.

I do love it when he gives me his attention. And I do feel a special kind of closeness and love with him. But may be I should let him grow in his own space.

I told him over messages that I sometimes feel bored with him. That's a whole lot of bull. I absolutely love to meet him even if to sit silently or play Words of Wonder.

I wish I could retract the past two days and erase them from happenstance. But events like these are a revelation of the things you feel and understand, which may not be reasonable or logical and may be most untrue. Like Arun's feeling that I keep a check on him and am a suspicious girl. That, in retrospect, was rather cute and makes me smile, it's so funny! But yes, I was flipped out so may be I also have my unreasonableness.

Five things only people very very close to me know and not all of them know these:

1. Rarely, but sometimes, I feel the kinks like I did recently. I think it's usually in the summers. And I view it largely as hormonal. I used to bug Shivani during TTTT about this a lot and she used to burst out laughing. And of course it used to perplex me so much in college that I told Peeks about it and she also used to find it most funny and called me Cartoon Character. I miss both of them.

2. Most of the books I say I have read I haven't finished (with some where I almost reached the end) because I get bored. And this is usually true of fiction. I don't find all stories very compelling. Ravi Rao used to tease me a lot in TOI, telling me that he doesn't think I've really read all the books I talk about. I used to keep silent. But no, I have not.

3. In my life I have actively expressed my love and made the first move for only two guys and both times I have not been successful. May be I wasn't very good at it. The first I told Archie and Salvia. The second, well, I told Diggy. And both those guys are friends today. So I respect that.

4. Most of the things I write I wouldn't show anyone in the whole wide world. Especially all the automatic writing I practice to destress. Ma once went through the stuff in my room when I wasn't at home and questioned me about the shit I had been writing. Yes. It is shit. It's all my mental shit. I'm sure my whole family has perused my notebooks by now but nobody has told me anything about it. I wouldn't dare show these notebooks to anyone but I also wouldn't dare throw them. Even my shit is very precious.

5. I like daydreaming. I like getting lost in visuals in my lemon green-lemon yellow room. And I find that the things I daydream of  talking to myself, and imagining actually manifest in my circumstances. This is true from a lifetime of experience. But I do feel guilty of daydreaming, even though I've been told its not an unhealthy habit, and I've been trying to curtail it and be more present.

Well, I can think of many such things. But I won't bore myself with all this loose free falling information. I'll relegate the rest of these facts to my notebook. But I'll add an afterthought.

Afterthought: For whatever it's worth and for whatever it is I really respect the fact that except on rare occassions, Arun has never ever said anything unkind about his wife. I would feel hurt but it really makes me respect him and shows the man that he is. It's a reflection of his character and I don't think I'll ever tell him this but this fact about him really makes me value him even more. Because I have enough guy friends to know what they may spew about their partners when not in their presence. Men often don't say the kindest things about women with many being outright derogatory. And for all his brashness I've never heard such things escape Arun's lips. Not often at least. And that is why I love him even more.

11.27 pm

Journal 3.6.2024 8 pm Monday

Dear Journal,

I don't say it that often because I'm often not aware of it. But Arun makes me very anxious. How you feel is a big indicator of the circumstances you dwell in.

Anxiety never bodes well. And what is fixed can't be transmuted. I wish I knew what is fixed.

May be that is why I was so upset with him. Of course, I also can't deny that he lied. And he probably is in the habit of lying and I'm largely truthful, so that is also difficult to accept.

Biswada met me today and as usual he was full of the various advices. Ma is really very fond of him. He told me that my Sade Sati is going on and I have to get disciplined so that the period after is really good. Now I'm not one to buy into all his words. He says a lot of things. But I know that horoscopal things are indicative. He said that he would sit with his roommate and analyse my horoscope better and that he'll call me soon.

He told me that certain exercises are a must do everyday. And today he didn't sit for that long, about three hours. It's really good to have friends like him.

We both agreed that it's very hot to go to the beach and frankly after a point I didn't feel like sitting there with wine.

So here I am at Dr Shinde's.

I wish I could read minds you know. That would be a great superpower to have. To know what people are really thinking.

That is why I use the cards.

Today Arun asked for space. Of course I'll give him all the space he needs. But I can't deny that I'm hurting. I won't bring up the whole episode again. And may be he was alone at Bottles and just needed alone time.

And I really wish that it turns out well for the both of us and that our love grows. I really really do love him.

Ma and Pa have become so friendly again unlike how they were the past few months. It seems like they've made peace. I love my parents. They are super awesome.

Also, I should listen to friends who care. I must heed Biswada's words. He has known me for many years. And he's been telling me the same things for a very long time. Thank God for good friends.

I love everything that comes with Arun. I don't give it space here because i dont know much but it's always on my mind.

And I know that if I'm pained it must be more painful for him.

And I'll be patient, and I'll do my bit, and I'll put out a prayer tonight to the universe so that we never fight like this ever again. And, of course, I'll hope for the very best.

I've been reading Cheiro's Palmistry again. The book misses a lot of essentials.

And who knows what's going to happen really? Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of man. And I must listen to my friend and kind of wake up. I really really must. I can't be in this state of indolence anymore.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the great Truths of my life. And I know that I'm protected. And I know that the future is very good. And I'm grateful that I hope and that I pray. And most importantly, I'm grateful for love and life and life's many many joys.

I've said sorry to Arun because I know I hurt him. But I know him. He is not likely to apologise and I don't think I should expect him to. Because that will lead to more disappointment. 

8.30 pm

Ps: May be I'm unable to see at the moment how special this relationship with Arun is. I can feel it, I exhibit it, and I talk and write about it a lot. But through all life's turmoil he is of utmost significance as is my family. Sade Sati or no Sade Sati, this is a very significant and decisive phase of my life with all that's going on and I just realised it, and I must make the most of it. My friends are absolutely right.

I really hope he doesn't hold on to my nasty words. And I really hope he doesn't mean it when he says that I'm not sweet and I never give him space and that I always keep a check on him. Because I don't think those words are true at all. And I hope I can make him feel special in the coming days. Because he's the best things that's happened to me like the beautiful family I was born into and the wonderful friends that I have. And I really hope that despite the odds we will make it. Because that is my intention. I wish I could read his mind to know what his intention is. He must be awfully pissed at me. I really really love my sweet, cute boyfriend. And I hope forgiveness, acceptance and a blossoming of love is on the cards for me and for him. I wish I could call him up but after the smattering he gave me today, I am loathe to do that.

journal 3.6.2024 2.55 pm Monday

Dear Journal,

After two whole days, I finally got the chance to talk to Arun over the phone.

He shouted a lot at me, saying he is very scared of me and that is why he lied. Now I think that's bullshit. He told me I never let him do anything and that I always keep a check on him. That is even bigger bullshit. But that's him. And I love him, truly deeply. I really really love my boyfriend. With all his flaws he is the most adorable thing to have ever happened to me. It's so funny how all the blame can be turned on me. Even Ma is just like that. 

I find so many similarities between Arun and Ma. They both have the same personality type. And they are both my heartbeat, my very soul. I love him even more when he doesn't bat an eyelid to make a point. Ma is also just like that. 

I know I can be trying. And I said a lot of things over messages to him and I feel terrible about it. I really hope he's in a perky mood and that he calls me. I really hope we can close this fighting chapter and look ahead afresh.

He told me he'll never cheat on me. He told me that he really loves me. And I really wanted to hear that.

I wish I could call him up now just to hear his voice but he'll get very bugged.

I love him so deeply, it's unimaginable that I would ever hurt him. And yet I do with my long winded messages. I must not keep doing that. I know how tiresome it must be for him.

But yesterday I lost all sense of time and space because I was so upset. And I don't think being in the peak of my periods helped at all. No one really understands how tough my periods are for me.

I'm so happy that despite all my messages that he was with a friend yesterday.  I am not happy that he shouted at me in front of him.

I wish I could see him and smother him.

I wish I could be forgiven by him for my own flaws.

And I really wish he is happy, as happy as happy can be.

And I wish there was a way for me to tell him that I'm thinking about him and that I really really do love him, his handsomeness and his soul.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my boyfriend and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for my heroic brother.

I am grateful for Sadhya.

I am grateful for whatsapp.

I am grateful for food.

I am grateful for Pepsi.

I am grateful for chocolates.

I am grateful for ice-cream.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful that Arun patched up with me. I hope I don't try him again and that he truly forgives me.

3.16 pm

Ps: I have no reason to not trust my boyfriend. Sometimes may be he just needs space to wallow and think. And I'm sure there are a million things on his mind that he is loathe to talk about. I understand that. And I actually love him even more for that. Yes, when he lies I get exasperated but the reasons always turn out to be so lame. He is my cuteheart. He is my sweetest heart. And I love him more today.

lying

I don't know why you did it

But you've abused my trust

With all the lying

My heart has gone bust.

I don't think I'll ever be able

To believe in you

Like I once did.

Is there even any point

In going on

With all that you hid?

I don't know what you'll say or do,

But I don't want to go on

Amid your lying, cheating ways

I feel that may be your days are numbered. 

If you'd just realised

That I was the kind

Who would never hurt you,

Would you have done things differently?

Would you?

Journal 3.6.2024 9.50 am Monday

Dear Journal,

I am still very upset. I can't trust Arun at all.

It's so obvious he was with a chick on Saturday and that he lied about it. I actually don't want to meet him for some time. I actually need a break from him. Because he hurt me so badly.

I don't think I can trust him.

If I tell him that I need some time off, that is going to exacerbate things.

He has hurt me very badly.

Any way, I hope to have a productive day today.

I can tear up thinking about it.

Biswada said he will meet me today.

I wish for my life to open up in a million different ways.

I wish, I so wish that Arun was a more honest and trustworthy man.

I have no clue what will happen now, but this must be God's cruel joke.

I spoke to Aktharullah today. It's nice to have friends. Life is good because I make it good.

I actually don't want to see Arun for some time. Chatting with him will be more than enough.

I really pray that God is kinder to me. Why have I fallen in love with A like this? Why? Why? Why?

And why does he hurt me like this?

And I really feel I can't trust him. That's his doing. He hasn't conducted himself in a trustworthy manner. And he has hurt me very very badly.

When we first started going out he blamed his wife for all his cheating ways. I don't believe that she gave him any reason actually.

I haven't hurt him. I've always been honest and loving. Then why did he do this to me?

Why does he lie like this? I think I deserve better. I'm not going to meet him today or tomorrow because I just don't feel like it.

And I'm not going to spend a lot of time with him.

My heart has broken into a million different pieces with his deception.

I really feel like crying at this loss of trust.

And plus he was so rude to me in front of his friend.

Yes, with his another lie things have changed for me.

For the past three months we have rarely if ever met on Saturdays.

Why doesn't he break up with me? Why does he give so much pain?

He is not likely to marry me. And I really don't think he loves me as much as he says he does.

I really hope I can keep my mind off him and have a productive day.

Ma said she wants to do yoga with me.

I don't know what to do. And I hope God will give me signs about the path to take.

I feel very sorry for myself. I don't know what my destiny is. I don't know where I'm headed. And I don't want to meet or talk to Arun for some time. He's really broken my heart very very badly. Is it alright to go on even when I don't trust him?

He must trouble his wife so much with all his lies. And I haven't even done anything wrong to him. I've never wronged him. Then why did he do this to me? What must I do now?

What's the right thing to do?

I wish there was a sign.

Yesterday I called him many times and he said he doesn't want to talk to me.

Knowing him, he'll put all the blame on me.

I really want to do the right thing. And I don't want to be treated like this. I don't deserve this treatment.

I have half a mind to block him for some time because I really want to clear my head.

But I won't do that.

I think I'll go to the beach for some time today, buy myself some wine and pour all my troubles into the vast Arabian Sea. If Biswada is alright with it, I'll go with him.

Arun has abused my trust very badly.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everything. Even this pain I'm going through will end up teaching me a lot.

I am grateful for my beautiful life and all the people who adorn it.