I am smarting with pain.
Yesterday Arun told me that he is a little low on cash because he celebrated his wife's birthday.
And my mind went to that night this month when he got angry and said insulting things to me, pushing me away. He even said he wants to break up with me.
Even before whenever he has been insulting and angry as I always later learnt it was because of his wife.
I would have discussed it with him yesterday but a platoon of people joined our table.
I really love him. But loving him is so painful.
Yesterday, the platoon was enamoured by him.
Pa is very upset with me that I didn't go to Abhi Kaku's house yesterday.
I shouldn't be with Arun, right? I shouldn't get in the way of his family, right? Especially since I know he does so many things for his wife I shouldn't, right?
I feel very hurt. I have nobody to discuss this with. And I know my friends would advise me not to be in this situation.
Also yesterday when Arun was introducing me to the platoon he said: "I love her but thodi si pagal hai." That also really hurt.
He doesn't really think much of me. He doesn't really believe in me. And I think I must be my own refuge.
His view of me is so coloured by his biases and judgments.
And I feel really alone.
Yesterday when he called last night I cut the call when I heard him greeting his daughter.
I'm sure he treats his wife really well too.
I don't know where we are headed. Or where we are going.
There is no destination really.
But I don't want to lose him.
Because I do really love him.
And he is not offering me anything dignified.
And frankly, I'm very hurt.
I hope the path ahead is clear to me in the coming few days. Why did he start going around with me if this was the conclusion that I would never have him and that he would always do everything for his wife? Why is he seeing me? What does he want from me?
He says he wants just me. But I'm sure there is something else he needs that he doesn't talk about. Otherwise this relationship wouldn't be the way it is.
From the way he treats me I know he doesn't think much of me. May be he loves me. And I'm really very sad.
He says he's scared I'll leave him. I won't. I can't.
But I hope life becomes less painful.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for each person and each thing that adorns my life. I am grateful that God has showered me with the best of experiences by shining His infinite love, Grace and blessings on me and my loved ones.
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