Today is election day and I had a pleasant dream with Rahul Gandhi in it.
Today Ma and Pa came to check out Yoga Institute with me and then we went out for lunch to one of Ma's most favourite places.
Biswada called and told me a lot of things.
I told him to thank his friend.
I did not really talk to Arun that much over the phone today.
When Arun says he will never cheat on me he is just giving me words, right?
Trust is not bought through words but earned through action. He has promised me a lot of things but he has not done even one of them.
I really love him. Not for anything external or material, but for him, for how he is.
Of course, I can be positive as I generally am and go on with him. But this whole lack of surety I feel really bogs me down. And the future is a blur, really. A big blur.
And I know from the way he talks that he really loves his wife and that is very very painful.
How did I land in this situation? And is happiness guaranteed in the future? What is going to happen? And if something painful were to happen I'd rather that it happened as soon as possible so that it's over. And if the result is fixed to be something beautiful I'd rather that that also present itself soon. Whatever it is I hope I'm not hurt further than I already am.
I can't take steps based on assumption.
Yes, it's true that I share a beautiful bond with Arun and I always have a great time with him. But life is not spent wholly in bars drinking alcohol, not for me. And I know from experience that he is not really interested in my prospects because we rarely if ever further conversation in that direction and he has always run me down earlier whenever I have enthusiastically spoken about my plans. So I always feel he will not be supportive and that he doesn't really believe in me. And that has been a huge deterrent. He says that I should not seek validation from him. I should not, and I do not. But criticism can be very abrasive. And I do feel he is not very objective when it comes to judging people. He can be very biased and let his emotions do the talking. And I do feel he has no faith in me because he has never done or said anything to prove otherwise ever since I've known him. All he talks about is my looks and then in a moment of disappointment he says I'm not so beautiful.
If he trusts me as he says, it's because I've never given him any reason to not.
Five things I absolutely adore about Arun:
1. Most superficial. I think he is very handsome and incredibly cute. His beautiful soul reflects on his cute face and my heart melts completely when he smiles.
2. His beautiful soul. He is a beautiful human being with a heart of gold.
3. I love his body language. It's a reflection of the beautiful person that he is.
4. His smell. It is to die for. I love giving him chummas.
5. His mind. That is most alluring for me. I love his conversations and his ideas and his imagination and all the love that he harbours.
Anyway, I'm a pile of anxiety at the moment because I haven't met him in over a week. And we had a huge fight. And whatever my heart says will happen always manifests. So I'm a veritable pile of nerves. And I've not been having very good dreams of him.
And I hope many good friends enter my life now and that my cup runneth over.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful that we had awesome seafood for lunch.
I am grateful for Ma and Pa. I love and respect them.
I am grateful for my heroic chotto.
I am grateful for Arun. I love him and today I'm a little scared of being hurt.
I am grateful for Biswada and all my friends like him. At many instances Biswada has gone out of his way and proven that he really values my friendship. And he's done it again. May he experience immense success and beautiful happiness.
I am grateful for a life filled with love.
I am grateful for my beautiful home and all my wonderful possessions.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for Google.
I am grateful for all the things I write.
And I am grateful for my destiny.
I am grateful that I'm healthy.
6.06 pm
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