I love Arun.
But yesterday, for whatever reason, he kept slamming me. He told me I've never been there for him, he told me I am deficient in the head and that he doesn't like me at all. To top that he said he's scared of me and is not leaving me because he thinks I'll make his life difficult.
Of course, if he left me, I would never make his life difficult. Because then I wouldn't have the right to.
When he said he wants to leave me, I broke up with him.
He has many many flaws and so do I. Nobody is perfect. And this is not the first time he's made me cry like this. His unkind words hurt a lot. I understand him, and I love him for the man that he is. But I don't think he understands me. And his perception of me is not favourable.
He also told me I am not respectful towards my parents and only criticised me after a point. I don't want to be with someone who pulls me down so much and says only unkind things about me. That is about someone. But I want to be with him. Because I love him. I really really do. But love is not the only reason people should be together.
Relationships are bound with respect and for the umpteenth time he was very disrespectful. The way he fought with me yesterday, reminded me of the times early on when we started going out when he used to make me cry. He also called me narcissistic.
What should I do? If he is so unhappy with me, I should let him go, right?
I actually can't live without him. Through all his negativity about me I understand him.
He said I should trust him. And I do.
But he's never ever been appreciative or kind to me.
Yesterday we sat at qd till closing time and I didn't eat anything. I was so hungry but there was no proper food at home.
Let's see how today goes. I won't fight with him at all. Since he said he wants to leave me it's up to him if he wants me.
Yesterday, Arun hurt me a lot. And yes, to appreciate him, I have to say he's been there for me. But if he feels that I've never been there for him I should set him free, right?
I have no clue what will happen now.
I'm in tears today. I'm so sad because he actually said he wants to leave me but he thinks I'll make his life difficult. I won't make his life difficult at all. And his acid words ran a sword through my heart.
I think I'll focus on my writing today. I'm the last girl to keep him bound when he is so unhappy with me. And I'm in tears today.
By the way, he looked extremely sad yesterday right from the start of our date. May be he was in a very bad mood.
I'll always love Arun. I really always will. And I'll always count him as special and adorable.
But I don't want to be treated this way. And I want him to be happy.
Towards the end he did say he would be with me if I want to be with him. Of course I want to be with him but he's not happy to be with me at all. And he did say he's not leaving me because I'll send him messages. He's so stupid. If we are not together why would i send him messages?
I'll just let him chill today and I won't bother him at all. But I'm very very very sad today. Very hurt and very sad.
Because I really thought he would feel nicely about me. But he does not. He hurt me very very badly yesterday.
Let's see what life throws my way.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for my life's many experiences and all the people who adorn it. I am grateful for this glorious day. And I'm grateful for love and life. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
9.16 am
Ps: Yesterday, he was most unkind to me. And he did say he wants to leave me but he's scared to do that. I won't scare him. I'll let him go. If that is how he feels that he should leave me, I shouldn't hold him back. Yesterday, he cooked up a lot of things and denied that that waiter in Raj Palace ever said that we look good together. May be I don't bring anything special to his life. I will always, ALWAYS love him. He is still my soul. He is still my heartbeat. And I still think he's wonderful. But I don't think I should be with someone who is so unhappy to be with me. And I won't be able to date anyone and I know this day is going to be spent crying and feeling sad. I won't send him messages and I won't bind him. I love him too deeply to make him this unhappy. I'll miss spending time with him. And I'll really really miss him.
I do think that he appreciates people who don't do anything for him. And he feels I've never been there for him. Of course, I can forgive him for last evening and I have. And I do hope he calls me. But the way he said yesterday that he doesn't like me at all was very hurtful. I don't want to be slammed like this. I don't want to be this hurt. He did say he wants to leave me. And I shouldn't hold him back at all. I love him too much to see him unhappy because of me. I'll miss him a lot. I really do love him.
Anyway, I hope God lights the path ahead and shows me the way. Whatever the outcome I won't trouble Arun anymore. I hope he's always happy and always successful. And I'm very very sad today. :(
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