There is a part of you that you keep for loved ones, there is another part for the world and there is a part of you that is only for you, things you wouldn't reveal easily to others and that only you truly know and understand about yourself.
I know this to be a fact through experience of having had a lifetime of friends. When you cross the bridge with someone and share that third very private part of you, even if only in glimpses, then your friendship has reached a milestone. And that's the most difficult thing to do because it makes you most vulnerable.
That is what I always feel: That Arun has spent such a huge part of his life with his wife that he must have very often revealed that third aspect of his personality.
I'm just a new friend for him on this journey of life.
I know such things about my own mom, dad and brother and many friends.
I myself would find it very difficult to reveal those very private realisations about myself with him or with anyone. But my close friends know a lot of such things about me.
And it must be very difficult for him sometimes to handle me and have me with a family and all that. And may be, having understood this, I could give him the space that he needs to work and play and home and live and breathe.
I do love it when he gives me his attention. And I do feel a special kind of closeness and love with him. But may be I should let him grow in his own space.
I told him over messages that I sometimes feel bored with him. That's a whole lot of bull. I absolutely love to meet him even if to sit silently or play Words of Wonder.
I wish I could retract the past two days and erase them from happenstance. But events like these are a revelation of the things you feel and understand, which may not be reasonable or logical and may be most untrue. Like Arun's feeling that I keep a check on him and am a suspicious girl. That, in retrospect, was rather cute and makes me smile, it's so funny! But yes, I was flipped out so may be I also have my unreasonableness.
Five things only people very very close to me know and not all of them know these:
1. Rarely, but sometimes, I feel the kinks like I did recently. I think it's usually in the summers. And I view it largely as hormonal. I used to bug Shivani during TTTT about this a lot and she used to burst out laughing. And of course it used to perplex me so much in college that I told Peeks about it and she also used to find it most funny and called me Cartoon Character. I miss both of them.
2. Most of the books I say I have read I haven't finished (with some where I almost reached the end) because I get bored. And this is usually true of fiction. I don't find all stories very compelling. Ravi Rao used to tease me a lot in TOI, telling me that he doesn't think I've really read all the books I talk about. I used to keep silent. But no, I have not.
3. In my life I have actively expressed my love and made the first move for only two guys and both times I have not been successful. May be I wasn't very good at it. The first I told Archie and Salvia. The second, well, I told Diggy. And both those guys are friends today. So I respect that.
4. Most of the things I write I wouldn't show anyone in the whole wide world. Especially all the automatic writing I practice to destress. Ma once went through the stuff in my room when I wasn't at home and questioned me about the shit I had been writing. Yes. It is shit. It's all my mental shit. I'm sure my whole family has perused my notebooks by now but nobody has told me anything about it. I wouldn't dare show these notebooks to anyone but I also wouldn't dare throw them. Even my shit is very precious.
5. I like daydreaming. I like getting lost in visuals in my lemon green-lemon yellow room. And I find that the things I daydream of talking to myself, and imagining actually manifest in my circumstances. This is true from a lifetime of experience. But I do feel guilty of daydreaming, even though I've been told its not an unhealthy habit, and I've been trying to curtail it and be more present.
Well, I can think of many such things. But I won't bore myself with all this loose free falling information. I'll relegate the rest of these facts to my notebook. But I'll add an afterthought.
Afterthought: For whatever it's worth and for whatever it is I really respect the fact that except on rare occassions, Arun has never ever said anything unkind about his wife. I would feel hurt but it really makes me respect him and shows the man that he is. It's a reflection of his character and I don't think I'll ever tell him this but this fact about him really makes me value him even more. Because I have enough guy friends to know what they may spew about their partners when not in their presence. Men often don't say the kindest things about women with many being outright derogatory. And for all his brashness I've never heard such things escape Arun's lips. Not often at least. And that is why I love him even more.
11.27 pm
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