Life is life. Life is love. Love is labour. Labour is love. Labour is life. My life is a labour of love.
I just got off a call with Arun.
I must be completely mad that I love Arun so much. I really do love him. And I think I actually love him more than I realise.
He is married. He is not separated. He may never ever leave her. He is married married. Why and how and when exactly did I fall so deeply in love with him? And wherefore do I go?
As I was chanting today in the evening, I realised that all I (or anybody for that matter) has is the present. The past is gone. The future is unknown. And there is only the here and now. One of my Aha moments.
I studied three chapters of the Lotus Sutra today that reiterated that what you sow you will reap.
Arun said that his wife borrowed cigarettes from him over the phone. Yesterday he called her his baby. What is wrong with me? Why am I with him? And why do I love him like this?
This month he seems to have rekindled something with his wife. And this month has been very painful. At the start of the month he fought with me and told me really hurtful things. Later, as he told me it was his wife's birthday. Why am I with a man who is clearly two-timing me? I'm going to get so hurt. What should I do?
I'm scared of bringing this up because when he gets angry he says really hurtful things.
Yesterday we went to Arc. I did not drink alcohol because Arun told me he is very low on cash.
I haven't made a lot of money in many months. And I feel guilty about that.
I was very excited to later visit a dhaba to eat Bheja Fry. However, for the umpteenth time Arun sent back three perfectly cooked plates of Bheja Fry over quantity.
My Buddhist influences have taught me to be grateful for food, to not waste it and to always accept the food given because it is somebody's labour of love and effort that is being offered-- the Bhikku philosophy.
So in the end we had beef kebab pav, which of course is not as filling or yummy as Bheja Fry but I quietly ate it, still smarting from a little while ago when he called his wife his baby.
He does sound like he has something on his conscience today and when I told him that he started shouting.
Ma and Pa have gone for a drive. I really really love my parents. I wish I had gone with them just to spend some quality time with them. But I was feeling a little loathe to go.
My parents are so cute.
This is the moment. The present is a reflection of seeds sowed in the past. The future is determined here.
Yesterday Arun also told me that he wants to adopt two children. I love this aspect of his personality. This soft, sentimental, giving side of his that makes him this sweetheart that he is. And children are amazing, of course.
I love the Virgo that Arun is.
I love the Pisces that Pa is.
I love the Cancerian that Ma is.
I love the Aquarian that Chotto is.
I love myself.
I am grateful for all the people in my life who come with their experiences. I love my possessions. I love my support system. I am grateful for each moment of my life.
I am grateful for all the food I eat.
I am grateful for me.
Love,
Me.
9.15 pm
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