Arun called me around 7 and asked me to come down. And he presented three Rajnigandhas to me. He is such a sweet humanbeing. That completely took me by surprise. And I love being surprised.
I walked around with the flowers and smoked a few cigarettes and Bhalla accosted me. He said the flowers were lovely. And he thanked me profusely for teaching him how to chant and said that his life has changed because of it. Of course, I myself do not chant so much these days. He then asked me for a cigarette and discussed Modi with me.
Then I walked a bit more and bought sugarcane juice for Ma and went home.
I put the flowers in the pot with the lemon plant. A said I should crush Crocin pills to make them last longer, which I'll do later.
I'm still hurt. But I know this hurt will pass. Because all things always do pass.
I was truly touched by the gesture and he looked far happier than he did yesterday.
This is the second time he got me flowers.
Even the first time it was after a huge fight.
I myself have been thinking of getting him a bar of chocolate for chewing his brains.
What is life really? And what does all the love in life really mean?
I messaged Arun and apologised for stinking. I truly was having sweated all day long. But he said I smelled alright.
What's on his mind I'll never know. What made him buy me the flowers? I was so taken up by surprise that I don't think I reacted just as I should have. Well, anyway there is no one way to thank a person.
What and who should you love? And should you love for the sake of loving?
Swami Vivekananda said: "In the tussle between following your brain or your heart always choose to follow your heart."
And that is exactly what I've done. If I'd followed my brain I don't think I would have been with Arun. Because to the mind the whole thing is hackneyed and the probabilities are against it.
Anyway, I have no clue why I was the recipient to three stems of effervescently smelling flowers. May be he felt bad. Or I don't know.
It does make getting over the whole episode easier. And I think it's awfully sweet of him. He's such a sweet-hearted person.
I think I'll just go with the flow. I don't know where life is taking me. But through all the love and the pain I know I've got a worthy companion and friend for life. But when I told him that yesterday, he said he doesn't feel that way.
May be I'm not beautiful enough for him or may be he has all those problems with me that he cited that he's scared of me and thinks I'm deficient in the brain or may be he just feels I'm not a worthy companion.
You can't slam people's tastes and choices. And you can't really judge them for judging you.
To each his own. May be he feels I'm not good enough for him in all those ways.
And I'll really try to get past the hurt and the pain. "Sticks and stones can break bones. But words, they can shatter the soul."
Even I've hurt him with words. And one must choose words carefully. Because words leave a lasting impact on the mind. That is why the pen is mightier than the sword.
I truly hope he forgives me for all the nasty things I told him. Last night I realised I must have really really hurt him a lot since he was spewing so much venom.
Anyway, I won't bring yesterday up with him at all. Because the flowers are a gesture that he probably wants me to forget about it.
Let's see what the road ahead is like. Let's see where I'm led and what is in store for me.
And I really hope I heal soon from whatever I was told yesterday. And I will. I always have.
When A told me yesterday that Buro was wrong when I'd put him on the phone once, I thought about it later.
Human relations are always so complicated. Of course, I love Buro. I worry about him and I obsess over his wellness. In fact, I love him the most in this world. And of course, I'll always forgive him. He's a good boy, a courageous, heroic, respectful boy.
And I'll also forgive Arun. He's also a good humanbeing, a lovely, sweet humanbeing who I love.
As I've gone on thus far in life, I've realised that forgiving is paramount to happiness in life because Man always hurts Man and human relations are rife with pain and are always a struggle. No matter how much the love, I hope Arun forgives me too.
He told me many times last night and this morning too that he wants to break up but he's scared that I'll make his life difficult. He's so illogical. If he lets me go, I'll have no right really to tell him anything.
And he said it many times, and I myself have said it before and it's the largeness of his heart that we are still together. I must have really hurt him that he felt that way. Or may be feels that way still. Because I can't read his mind.
Any way, for whatever it's worth I have three long-stemmed flowers adorning my lemon plant. I think I'll pen a short but sweet thank you message to him, switch off the light and drop dead.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for all of life's myriad experiences that have made me stronger and wiser. And I'm grateful for each being that graces my life, especially Melon.
10.49 pm
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