I am very sad. I told Arun that I accept him with all his flaws because I love him.
He said that he doesn't accept me with my flaws. Or at least, that is what I felt his silence implied.
I think the thing I fear the most is going to happen. He is going to break my heart.
I asked him for three things he likes about me: he said my beauty but he doesn't think I dress well, my smile and the fact that I love him.
He does not like anything about me as a person. He doesn't love me the way I love him.
I know that I'm not going to go very far with him. He will dump me. I really want someone to love me for who I am. I know I'm good, I'm sweet, I'm kind, I'm a good friend, I'm supportive and that I'm lovely and love wholeheartedly. I always appreciate my friends and I respect people genuinely. And I think I am a good chump to have around.
And to top it all I'm a woman, and I'm a good girl and I'm a good friend to my friends.
This relationship is not going to go very far. He will dump me when the chance arises. I just have to make my peace with it and accept it. I loved him wholeheartedly, firstly because he did say he loves me first, and I saw beauty in him and goodness in him and wonderfulness in him. I barely call him once or twice in a day and he made a whole issue about it, saying I disturb him with my calls. That's such a lot of bullshit.
I'm just waiting for the day he breaks my heart now.
He is quick to get angry, and he is quick to spite. He says he's not a good person. He knows himself best--- may be he feels that way because he's guilty of doing things. And may be he is not a good person. May be I was wrong. May be he'll hurt me very badly.
I know that you can't change anybody. I don't expect to change him at all that is why I accept him. But he wants me to change, not message etc etc. And he really sounds very unhappy to be with me these days.
I don't think he's mature. One thing I love about him is how he loves his children. Parents are always so worried about their children.
He keeps pointing out my mistakes. He is not a good companion to have like I thought and after talking to him today, I have lost all hope as to the future of this relationship.
And if I ever stopped loving him, he would not love me back.
Now, I'll get some writing done.
And I'll sit atop my very own peak and love myself.
I don't think I should call him or message him. I should not bother with him at all.
I hope God gives me someone who loves me because they think I'm a beautiful person too. And that they value me.
When ns told me a few months ago he loves me, he said. "you're so full of love but people don't appreciate you for that. And I love you because you're so lovely." Of course, I'll never date ns for several reasons, one being that I'm just not interested. But what he said was so sweet.
Guys always say the sweetest things when they want a girl to go out with them.
Even Arun said a lot of sweet things way back then and that is one reason I fell in love with him. But it seems that those reasons don't stand anymore. And I'm really tired of our fights. It's really getting to me. And I'm feeling most criticised and unappreciated and very low on morale.
I'm not going to break up with him but I know the time is not far when he will.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for my beauty.
I am grateful for my beautiful mind.
I am grateful for my intelligence.
I am grateful for my creativity.
I am grateful that I'm a good friend to my friends.
I am grateful that I practise forgiveness.
I am grateful that I treat people with respect.
I am grateful that I'm sweet to the people in my life.
I am grateful that I'm a loving daughter.
I am grateful that I'm a loving and supportive sister.
I am grateful that I work hard.
I am grateful that I gave my all to Arun. And when it doesn't work out I'll have no regrets. I tried. And I'm grateful that he also loved me.
I am grateful for my heart that loves everybody.
I am grateful for all my friends.
I am grateful for my parents.
I am grateful for my heroic brother.
I am grateful for Sadhya.
I am grateful for my upcoming books.
I am grateful for yoga.
I am grateful for love and life.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings upon me and my loved ones.
Ps: I hope Arun breaks up with me soon. I can't take it anymore. It doesn't seem he really likes me at all. And I'm very tired. Very fatigued. And up to my head with his fault-finding and his criticisms. And may be after this Rollercoaster one week when he lied I think a lot of things have changed for me. I was wrong. He doesn't deserve me at all. And may be he is better off without me.
1.43 pm
It's so obvious when someone is interested in you. And it's so obvious when someone is done with you. I've run that routine myself so many times. It's so obvious that Arun is done with me. And today, I'm not scared at all of losing him.
Yes, I'll always think he has a sweet heart. And I'll probably also always love him.
But I can't take this anymore.
Yes, he bought me those flowers yesterday. And yes, I love it when he calls me. And yes, I love it when he says I Love You. And I love him for many many things that he is. But it's so obvious that he's done with me. He's constantly pulling me down, slamming me and hurting me. Of course, I'm not infallible but I was willing to give it a try.
But today, again like many times before he pushed me away. And in the past when he's hurt me like this I've always showered him with my love, remembering those first few moments when he said he loved me.
I think till he finally decides to end this I'll just savour the look in his eyes.
But I'm not wishing or hoping for anything.
Am I wrong? I don't think so. It's so obvious.
He is a very difficult person to be with and he's pushed me away like this many times before in our relationship right from the start. And one reason I'm so low is because he's so critical and always slamming me and bringing me down. Of course, then he also says he loves me.
But it's so obvious he doesn't want me anymore. This time is not like the previous times. We don't even eat anything on our dates anymore.
And I'm kind of tired of him only finding fault with me. I really don't want this anymore. With no hard feelings he's made it quite clear that this is the end of the road. And may be I should let him go so that he is happy and I am happy. And may be I'll only be happy when I'm free. And after today's phone call I'm not scared of losing him anymore. And I know he hates me for many things today but I hope at the end of it all he will realise that we had something special and that I am/was good to have.
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