I don't say it that often because I'm often not aware of it. But Arun makes me very anxious. How you feel is a big indicator of the circumstances you dwell in.
Anxiety never bodes well. And what is fixed can't be transmuted. I wish I knew what is fixed.
May be that is why I was so upset with him. Of course, I also can't deny that he lied. And he probably is in the habit of lying and I'm largely truthful, so that is also difficult to accept.
Biswada met me today and as usual he was full of the various advices. Ma is really very fond of him. He told me that my Sade Sati is going on and I have to get disciplined so that the period after is really good. Now I'm not one to buy into all his words. He says a lot of things. But I know that horoscopal things are indicative. He said that he would sit with his roommate and analyse my horoscope better and that he'll call me soon.
He told me that certain exercises are a must do everyday. And today he didn't sit for that long, about three hours. It's really good to have friends like him.
We both agreed that it's very hot to go to the beach and frankly after a point I didn't feel like sitting there with wine.
So here I am at Dr Shinde's.
I wish I could read minds you know. That would be a great superpower to have. To know what people are really thinking.
That is why I use the cards.
Today Arun asked for space. Of course I'll give him all the space he needs. But I can't deny that I'm hurting. I won't bring up the whole episode again. And may be he was alone at Bottles and just needed alone time.
And I really wish that it turns out well for the both of us and that our love grows. I really really do love him.
Ma and Pa have become so friendly again unlike how they were the past few months. It seems like they've made peace. I love my parents. They are super awesome.
Also, I should listen to friends who care. I must heed Biswada's words. He has known me for many years. And he's been telling me the same things for a very long time. Thank God for good friends.
I love everything that comes with Arun. I don't give it space here because i dont know much but it's always on my mind.
And I know that if I'm pained it must be more painful for him.
And I'll be patient, and I'll do my bit, and I'll put out a prayer tonight to the universe so that we never fight like this ever again. And, of course, I'll hope for the very best.
I've been reading Cheiro's Palmistry again. The book misses a lot of essentials.
And who knows what's going to happen really? Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of man. And I must listen to my friend and kind of wake up. I really really must. I can't be in this state of indolence anymore.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for all the great Truths of my life. And I know that I'm protected. And I know that the future is very good. And I'm grateful that I hope and that I pray. And most importantly, I'm grateful for love and life and life's many many joys.
I've said sorry to Arun because I know I hurt him. But I know him. He is not likely to apologise and I don't think I should expect him to. Because that will lead to more disappointment.
8.30 pm
Ps: May be I'm unable to see at the moment how special this relationship with Arun is. I can feel it, I exhibit it, and I talk and write about it a lot. But through all life's turmoil he is of utmost significance as is my family. Sade Sati or no Sade Sati, this is a very significant and decisive phase of my life with all that's going on and I just realised it, and I must make the most of it. My friends are absolutely right.
I really hope he doesn't hold on to my nasty words. And I really hope he doesn't mean it when he says that I'm not sweet and I never give him space and that I always keep a check on him. Because I don't think those words are true at all. And I hope I can make him feel special in the coming days. Because he's the best things that's happened to me like the beautiful family I was born into and the wonderful friends that I have. And I really hope that despite the odds we will make it. Because that is my intention. I wish I could read his mind to know what his intention is. He must be awfully pissed at me. I really really love my sweet, cute boyfriend. And I hope forgiveness, acceptance and a blossoming of love is on the cards for me and for him. I wish I could call him up but after the smattering he gave me today, I am loathe to do that.
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