I'm not one to take decisions of my life based on what other people think. Of course, the people I love do have their power and their influence over me. But that's as far as it goes.
Against all odds I've gone out and loved Arun publicly and shamelessly in the past one year. And I have no regrets.
But today I decided to end things with him. Because he sounded so unhappy to be with me and was finding me so intolerable and was so full of complaints. I love him too much to see him unhappy. And frankly, even I was feeling unhappy. He's tired of my messages. He said he can't take it anymore. And he also said a few times since Wednesday that he wants to end things. May be that's what did it.
The other day I saw a video in which an author said that in a relationship one person is always more separate, and one person is always more for being together.
Surprisingly, in this relationship Arun has always been the binding force. He is the one who has complained but he is the one who has stoically kept us together. I really really love him. And I really really can't live without him. It's his intention that has caused my love to blossom and it's his beautiful heart that has made me feel this vast expanse of love.
Any girl, literally any girl in the whole wide world would be lucky to have him. May be he could just reign in his anger a bit.
I've given him enough reasons to want to leave me and I think I will set him free. I couldn't bear the unhappy phone call in the morning. He says he can't tolerate my messages anymore and he has been finding me intolerable. I couldn't bear to hear that.
The coming few months are going to be very very hard for me because I actually fell head over heels in love with him. To my eyes he is still most handsome. And I do think I'll find it very hard as we move on.
I don't know why he is not happy in his marriage. And may be ive also given him a chance to work on that. I'll never ever stop loving him. Ever. He is such a supremely cute humanbeing. May be as our relationship progressed I started harboring expectations from him which I never did before. And may be those expectations couldn't have been met. And here we are.
And I know myself. I'm not dating any guy. May be it's a life of blissful singledom for me. Arun did say the other day that he has been living like a saint for two years. I don't know why we never ended up having sex. He must have his reasons.
I hope he's happy. And I hope his heart is full.
And that I haven't hurt him a lot.
I could see no future with him as his girlfriend. And that was very painful. Hopefully, he will give me his friendship and I'll secretly give him my wholehearted devotion and love as I've always wanted to.
He deserves love and I hope he finds that too.
I'll always love him. I really always will. And I think my tears will sing me off to sleep today.
And I wish I could get one last kiss on my lips from him. And I think I'll live knowing that I'm capable of loving deeply.
Love,
Me.
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