I'm really reeling from all the hurtful words Arun said yesterday.
He really hurt me by saying I have never been there for him or done anything for him ever. He keeps talking about his ex Candy all the time. And he said she is his best friend because she has fought with the whole world for him.
Then he said that I'm not right in the head. He said many other hurtful things too. But these two things really broke my heart.
Does he really feel that I've never been there for him? And does he really feel I am not right in the head?
May be I'm giving him too much importance. And I really must sit and focus on my own work.
Of course, right from the word go yesterday he looked very sad. He wasn't in a great mood to begin with.
Anyway, the future is a blur. And I must get my own head and own act together. I can't afford to be lazy. I really really can't.
He says my demeanour changed yesterday that's why he got angry. But I wasn't really feeling angry or sad. I was just checking my phone. And he also called me narcissistic.
Right from the start of our relationship he sometimes gets mad and makes me cry.
Of course, even I get mad at him. And I know that I've also hurt him with my words.
It's all too much sometimes. He's married. And he lives with his wife and has a marital life with her. He also just told me he has a family function to attend.
Am I actually the world's most stupid girl who is in love with a man who is married and who has no faith in me and says he is scared of me and a man who is not honest? I am stupid.
I am not feeling too good today. And my heart is broken. He has told me before many times that there is no future for us. And that has brought me to tears in the past.
I must be the world's most stupid girl.
What the hell am I up to?
And why exactly do I love him so much?
And why exactly am I not getting my act together?
And what am I doing with a married man who doesn't see a future with me?
After he's told me that he thinks I'm not right up there I don't think I should give him so much importance. His words are sullying day by day. And, of course, he has proven that he is not truthful.
Anyway his phone is not charged and may be he won't call me through the day.
Whether he thinks I'm capable or not capable doesn't matter to me anymore. Because no one knows me better than I do. Each person knows oneself best. Even he knows what his faults and merits are. I don't know him the way he knows himself.
And I know what my faults and merits are. And he'll never understand me the way I understand myself.
My heart is completely shattered to bits.
I hope the path ahead is lit for me.
I know that things are going to turn out for the best but not at this rate and not at this pace.
And after his words yesterday I've frankly lost all hope with him.
I'm feeling tired and lost.
He doesn't even ever apologise.
If he really has such a low opinion of me I don't expect any great outcome. He's good in many ways. But his lack of appreciation of me and his lack of faith in me has always bogged me down but his words yesterday just did it.
I don't think I need his low opinion of me in my life.
And through this tough time when I'm so heartbroken I'm reminding myself of all the times he has been sweet to me and shown me his love and care. But he really has such a poor opinion about me that that shadows all the good, pleasant times we've had.
And, frankly I've never loved anybody the way I love him.
"LE COEUR A SES RAISONS QUE LA RAISON NE CONNAIT PAS."-- Pascal
Aptly said. That is exactly how I feel. There is no reason simply but my love for him to go on. And I hope he loves me too. There's simply no other reason at all.
I can have all the best intentions in the world. But there is no greater intention than love.
No greater force.
No greater power.
And may my broken heart heal fully.
I'm going to pick up the pieces today. I think the nature of my relationship with him has probably changed.
Through muted hope we always wish for the best even though the writing is clear on the wall and can the course of destiny change miraculously in a second, a minute? I must forgive him for his words. Because otherwise I don't think I'll be able to go on.
All the things he said yesterday were outright disrespectful. I think it was his retaliation for my messages to him on Sunday. Anyway, love is also acceptance through tough times. So I'll really forgive him for yesterday. But if he really has no faith in me, is there much point?
I'll always love him, always honour him for all the wonderful things he is. But I'll never believe it when he says I'm not cut out for something, or that I'm deficient in the head and all these acerbic things he says.
He said yesterday that he's always lost out on life because of his arrogance. But I don't think that is what it is.
I think it's his words when he's sad that are scathing. It's his utter disrespect sometimes for the person sitting in front of him and showering him with love.
I'm actually very very hurt by him.
He doesn't respect me the way I respect him. He doesn't believe in me the way I believe in him. And for all his faults I would never say he is wonky in his head, but that is what he said about me yesterday.
He told me yesterday all the reasons he completely dislikes me. And that list was extant. It covered everything.
So is there anything he likes about me at all?
Does he even care about me?
Or does he so believe in selfishness that he really truly sees no good in me at all?
And why exactly do I love him so much despite everything?
"Tough times never last. Tough people do."
I'm going to be ultra tough now with no expectations from anybody, especially from him. Because after yesterday, I don't think I can expect anything from him.
May be I should take this break till Saturday seriously and just stay off him.
I'm very pained to know that he thinks so little of me and I hope I can make peace with it.
Please let the way ahead be shown to me.
Love,
Me.
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