tarot

My Tarot reading today is a super hit

And I do it peacefully today

With no one disturbing me.

sweetly

I am welcomed with open arms today

And treated extremely sweetly always.

Journal 1.1.2025 8.32 am new year

Dear Journal,

It's new year and I miss Arun. I miss kissing him and smelling him. I love him so deeply.

And I know he is by my side, in my heart, loving ms, nurturing me as always.

I love Arun.

May this year be good to all of us.

May we prosper.

May we know happiness, good health and wealth.

And moreover may we know love.

May I sign some great movies this year.

And may my Tarot clients flood my life.

New years 2025

New Year's Day is such a special affair

Surrounded by loved ones all the time,

Living in Paradise from today, 

Loving all, loved always.

hen-pecked

My cupboards are not touched

Or checked and my Hubbard

Is most hen-pecked.

New years eve dinner

Tonight I am safe and secure at home

Always in love, always at peace,

Happiest new year's eve.

Lovely love all around

As dinner is the best this time this time.

2025

Everybody says 2024 is an eight year,

It's very very bad but you know what,

I ain't sad... for when God strikes

A typhoon in your life peace must follow

After all the strife!

May 2025 be the best year of your life so far,

A wish from the bottom of my heart.

Happy New Year!

-- Sengupta family

lunch

Lunch is a very pleasant affair.

money

Today for drinks we go to Quarter Deck

And my room is back in order

By 11 pm. Nobody stops me from getting out

Of the house

And Chotto realises that Melon

And Kit have a favourite mouse.

It's a wonderfully brilliant day today

When everyone is kind to me.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Love is what we need

And now the money flows.

nidna

My meeting with Nidna goes my way

And Nidna stops all the harassment.

love

When all the hosp workers are arrested

I get instructions from one of my closest friends

Sweetly, kindly and jovially to put all my things back.

My shonas treat me very kindly.

hercules

Hercules beats up all the hosp workers

Black and blue today and personally puts all

Of them in their house jails

By 12 pm. Victory for God and goodness!

life

As I prepare to meet a dearest buddy today

All hospital workers move away

From my life, from my sight

And they give me back all my rights;

My friend today takes my side on everything 

And life opens up like a lotus opening;

Love seeps into every aspect

And life is for winning, life is for living.

manjha pills

As I pop the Manjha Pills

For the last time

It's the best night ever.

in God's arms

Nobody argues with me for all eternity,

Love flows all around and I am safe

In my honey and God's arms.

tomorrow

Nobody ever tells me after now

To arrange my things and I eat Kung pao

Tomorrow.

honey

My bags are never checked,

I am safe, I am secure in

My honey's arms.

they are all gone

As I go home today

There is only love everywhere

For me and I am treated most cordially.

I sleep a deep sleep today

As all hospital workers go to the dungeons.

Dinner today

Dinner is a brilliant affair today

As I throw all the pills

And am safe and secure

For all eternity.

Paradise

Immortality and love embrace the Earth,

Love flows all around in Paradisic glory.

all my things

I keep all my things just the way I feel

With not a thing thrown, with not a thing taken.

cops

The cops welcome me with open arms

And always keep me out of harm;

They study my complaint seriously

And jail all the Dhoortoors today finally.

The police solves my problem like magic today

And holds me in high regard and lets me

Keep my things just the way I like it.

Love flows all around

As at dinner time I sleep deep and sound.

Life comes calling beautifully 

And I am surrounded by love for all eternity.

Our things

All our things are recognised as ours

And all the doctors today at 2.40 pm

Give up at last and all the monks

Now break their fast and we are given

Back all our things with responsibility

And all! Victory for God, victory for goodness!

charge

As I put all my things back in their place

On my own the world becomes doctor-free

And everyone is sweet to me

And I am not scolded or harassed by anyone

As Hubbard and brodar come home

And speak very very sweetly 

And lovingly to me

And I am given charge of putting back

All my things just the way I see

With not a soul hindering me

Or coming in my way

And my bathroom is not checked

And everyone is well-behaved.

Mani

The day is pretty beautiful 

Serene in God's heart we all lie--

Mani mani mani

For the daughter of the sky

And her friends.

God

God takes over in all delight

And I love your face and love your eyes;

Victory Is yours for all time,

Lovely beautiful me and you and good night!

Love wins

Love wins tonight

Like every night.

Victory for God's children.

love wins

Nothing is more scary

Than losing love.

Will you always love me from up above?

Kick the mad man out of the way.

And be mine always and please stay.

-- Doel Sengupta

married to God

As all the Dhoortoors leave my home

Hubbard on the streets does roam

Wondering why I married God?

Journal 17.12.2024 1.32 pm haven't slept

Dear Journal,

The days since my periods have been spent in a haze of emotionally riddled confusions. I haven't slept for two days and I also haven't bathed. What has happened to me?

I'm gripped by my love for Arun.

Sticks and stones can break bones but words can shatter the soul.

He says he hates me and doesn't love me and that we are friends. I'll respect all the boundaries he is setting.

He said that we could meet today. I'll message him about it a little later.

I really love him. I always have and always will.

The way i'm feeling, so out of control, indicates that the days ahead may not be particularly easy.

I'm so happy Ma and Pa are not here. They would have been very worried.

Why did Arun say he hates me? Does he really hate me? Hate is such a strong word, it's such a violent word.

Well, I'll let him be and I won't get too cozy today and respect all the boundaries.

I'm so exhausted with my periods and the emotions and the crying and the out of controlness.

I need a nice warm shower and lots of love.

I love him. May be he doesn't really love me? Otherwise why would he keep saying it. He has never done this before. May be with my own direct Ness I have upset him in some deep way that he now feels he hates me. I'll always love him and care for him deeply.

May he be the happiest person in the whole world.

It's all too much pressure and I'm feeling a little brokenhearted.  But I ain't complaining.

Love,

Me.

1.42 pm

Journal 15.12.2024 5.26 pm Hamida Cat Lady

Dear Journal,

I first started talking to Hamida Cat Lady during the lockdown when she asked me for some money to feed all the cats in the area. Her hair has lice, her clothes are dirty and torn and she is very aggressive. People call her crazy.

When I first met her everybody from Sunil to Chohanji told me that Hamida Cat Lady used to have a serious boyfriend till two years ago. He used to drive her around in his Mercedes but then he left her and she never recovered and has gone mad.

One day, Hamida Cat Lady asked me to buy her a Sting and I did. And she opened up to me and told me about her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he pursued her a lot and wanted to marry her but then he hurt her and today he is dead to her. I asked her where she gets money to feed all the cats and she said she works in real estate.

Nobody would be able to tell that Hamida Cat Lady cruised in a Mercedes just till some time ago.

I am feeling so lost. I've just realised that Arun has actually left me. For all his chants about being responsible he is most irresponsible. He's hurt me a lot.

I am feeling so lost, I am feeling so sad and so forlorn. I'm scared of living like Hamida Cat Lady and I hope God is kind to me and showers all his Love, Grace and Blessings on me.

I don't want to become like Hamida Cat Lady. Bhalla has constantly been telling me for the past few days that I'm looking very sad and lost and that I can talk to him. I must be looking sad.

I am so grateful for neighbours like Bhalla and Hamida Cat Lady.

Misfortune comes from ones mouth and good fortune comes from ones heart. I wish I can get over my grief and my sorrow.

And I hope God grants me the full force of His kindness and benevolence.

I am feeling:

Heartbroken

Sad

Realistic

Shattered

Grief

Love

Forgiving

Understanding

Love,

Me.

5.39 pm

Journal 15.12.2024 4.23 pm deep anguish

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling so lost and so sad. I love Arun so deeply. I care so deeply about him. But he doesn't want to be with me. He loves me but he doesn't want me.

I wish there was some way to deal with this pain.

I'm sure he judges me and he has his reasons for not being with me. Nothing is as it seems. I'm sure there are reasons that have not been made explicit.

Today I met Seema and Nimisha and Seema one on one told me I should pray for clarity.

I'll always keep Arun in my prayers.

Am I so unloveable that Arun doesn't want me? Or are my flaws so unforgiveable that Arun would rather not have me?

Can't he for a moment imagine and step into my shoes and see what deep anguish he has plunged me in?

Why did I fall in love with him? And why are his eyes so beautiful?

Why is his personality so alluring and charming?

And why has God blessed him with dollops of cuteness?

And why won't he leave my heart and mind?

I wish there was someone who could truthfully assess the future.

I wish I wasn't feeling this heartache.

I wish for so many things. But above all I wish for communication with Arun so that I can get some clarity. But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I told him I could do a sleazy role if the script was strong. But actually I don't know if I could or couldn't. If I would it would be very difficult for me.

He told me I was so happy when we broke up. I don't know what makes him say that. He should talk to all the people I lamented to my loss. Does he not want me to be happy?

I'm feeling so lost and I wish Ma and Pa were at home. I'm finding it difficult to move, I'm so sad.

And besides Google Photos will not let me forget him; It keeps sending me collages of us together. I love Arun. Does he not see it or is he blind?

I am feeling:

Hurt

Nauseous

Anguished 

Full of love 

Happy in a way

Need to take a bath

I hope for the rest of the day to go really well.

Love,

Me.

4.38 pm

Ps: And besides I must not forget that Arun told all his friends when we broke up that I have a mental health problem and that he really loves his wife. That's my answer. May peace be with him, may peace be with me.

Journal 14.12.2024 8.08 pm It ain't no sacrifice

Dear Journal,

I thought about Arun all day long today like I have ever since I looked into his beautiful kind eyes. I think as far as he is concerned I'm in a state of involuntary inertia, one that will last an eternity. He told me when I met him that I should not obsess over him. Who is obsessing?

He also told me that I'm too clingy and that he wants his freedom. Stupid man!

I remembered the day today when A was telling me about his goals this year and I told him that if he continues this way he will break his back. Well, he has broken his ribs.

He sets very very high standards for himself, aims for the hugest goals and I know somehow he is punishing himself for all the guilt he feels over whatever he thinks were his faults.

Love and life are sometimes experienced hugging and loving and laughing in a bar, which is essential. But love and life are experienced even more in the sacrifices one makes when one's lover puts the brakes on a relationship and imposes a hiatus because he can't choose his happiness over the happiness of those around him. Today I realised how sacrificing Arun is and how hard he is on himself.

Yes, he does make my life so difficult because he expects me to adhere to his super high standards. But after realising this about him today I will never ever begrudge him again, I won't complain.

Today I feel so much love for him that there's really no looking back. And there will never be any other guy. He wants his freedom, he has his freedom. I can be this much sacrificing for him at least.

I worry sometimes about him but acceptance is the key.

I wish I had some clarity as to the future. Or I wish I at least knew what Arun expects from me at this point in time. I'm smarting, I'm hurt, but I won't complain.

He could do with a healthy dose of self love as would I. And there is no loving myself in guzzling Pepsi and smoking like a chimney.

Nothing is ever as it seems. And I'm sure that there is a deep mystery in this hiatus that Arun has imposed on us. I have a feeling it's not a permanent brake and the clutch, accelerator and gears will be employed soon.

What does he want from me?

What is he seeking from life?

Where does he see himself five years from now?

These are questions I would like to ask him without boring him and without sounding too probing.

Anyway, I do hope he comes home soon. It will be so much fun if he does.

Life is never lived alone. Life is symbiotic. And life is truly beautiful if you choose to view it that way. One cannot be happy selfishly, but one can definitely be happy selflessly.

I hope I can create a regular discipline of chanting and praying.

Love,

Me.

8.35 pm

Journal 14.12 24 12.08 pm sad

Dear Journal,

My ps classes start from today. What should I do with all this love for A in my heart.

Despite the love, despite the kisses he doesn't want to be with me. He must have his reasons.

The heartache is unbearable.

Does he judge me so harshly that he doesn't want to be with me?

Or is it that there's no room for me in his life?

I can't shake the thought of him from my mind. I must be mad about him. And there's no explicable reason for it.

Well.

Today I have to go to Dn Nagar for a bit.

I hope to have an excellent day.

Love,

Me.

12.13 pm

Journal 13.12.2024 4.49 pm feeling crappy

Dear Journal,

I am feeling positively crappy since I met Arun last. I have overdosed on Pepsi and I'm not feeling fine.

I sent him a few messages.

All day long I thought I had fever. I just checked my temperature and it's way below normal.

I haven't had a bath, haven't eaten properly and am feeling lost. Ever since I've fallen in love with him I haven't stopped thinking about him even for a moment.

But we are not in a relationship and that's made me very sad.

I missed the ps class in the evening today. I'll message and tell them I'm not well.

I have no one to talk to. See will be meeting me in some time. May be I can talk to her.

I love Arun. I'll always love him. He is so harsh. And so loving at the same time.

He is so so soo cute.

Love,

Me.

4.54 pm

A lot of missing

I have won a lot of pleasures in my life

And there are pleasures waiting more,

But I lie in a vacuum, sleeping without strife,

To a chaos, to love I do snore.

There are many victories ahead

And beautiful experiences to see,

And I do not see them without you,

That is the insightful prophecy.

Tomorrow if I were to choose between

All the joys of the world and you,

I'd bequeath all the luxuries unseen

To have your presence of all hues.

What the future holds is a veritable mystery

And you can't really say to you I'm history,

Let's not put a name to where we two belong

Because letting go of my love for you would just be wrong.

I'll gather all my losses and take no risks

And still tell you that I am over all the gimmicks,

All the sidey fights, all the times we hurt

Are just memories because for me there is love;

It comes and goes in waves

And I've removed all the staves;

And may be today is just another beginning

Of a bond so strong, of sounds that always ring

A sweet melody, a graceful dance

And believe me I'm over leaving you to chance.

What matters most today

Was just a dream yesterday

And you must believe me when I say

The future is bright with happiness and no sacrifices to lay.

So will you please hold my hand to where you belong

And realise that without any labels we could sing any song.

Please do tell me what you think

And till then I'll be doing a lot of missing.

Journal 12.12.2024 12 am playing Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde

Dear Journal,

The day has been a haze with my hormone-laden brain whirring on thoughts so profound and deep that I was gripped all day by them.

I had a Tarot client today and then I met See Dhi and Ga Mo. I have avoided talking about A in the sgi but today I opened up to See and she seemed to understand.

After chanting with them I got some clarity towards my own thinking.

Firstly, to talk about my experience as a Tarot consultant. All the men seem to have a wife and girlfriend and all the women seem to have a husband and a boyfriend. Everyone seems to be cheating. It seems to be the norm.

My parents have instilled many values in me and fidelity and loyalty tops the list.

I guess people get bored once they are married. We all play Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. When someone who you love shows you their evil one must embrace it, remembering that you can't live without their good.

That's how I feel about Arun. Despite all his flaws I admire his cuteness, brilliance and beautiful heart so much that I can tackle his flaws very well.

Marriage means embracing someone when they are good, when they are evil, when they are high and when they are low, embracing the beauty of the mundaneness and cherishing the excitement together.

If I'd found someone who I feel for half the love I feel for Arun I would have been married by now. But nothing compares to him and noone can beat him. He's one person who is forgiven by me at the word go.

Ma and Pa have been so loyal to each other. They are separate in their togetherness and together in their togetherness and they celebrate their togetherness at all times. I love my parents.

Today as I was walking back from S's place I thought about Arun and how fuddled he seemed yesterday. For some reason he seems to think that he is a bad person. He is not a bad person at all; he is the goodest he can be in his circumstances and I think he's an awesome humanbeing.

When I was studying Neurobiology I used to follow this neuroscientist whose name I just don't know. She's studied criminals all her life.

According to her study, criminals(who are psychopaths) have a smaller Pons or hind brain. The hind brain houses memory, emotions, especially long term memory.

She said criminals with small hind brains can be decriminalised by making them perform altruistic actions that leads to the growth of the Pons. 

I love her study. Criminals with small Pons/hind brains can leave crime through love.

Her work taught me that love does heal and love can transform anything for the good.

I think this neuroscientist deserves a Nobel Prize for her study. It is pathbreaking.

Arun has a fantastic memory and is so full of love. How can he even think he is bad? Stupid man! I wish I could explain this to him but he would not let me speak, I just know it.

Anyhow, the day has been a haze. I drank so much Pepsi today and smoked like a chimney.

I think I'll sit and pray a little bit now.

Anyway, I understand Arun's limitations. He is married and given the circumstances may be I should just be a good friend to him and not complicate our lives. I can do this much for him. I can let him be and still love him.

I am feeling:

Thoughtful 

Full of love

Happy 

Sleepy

Slightly sad that we've really broken up

Grateful for all of life's experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.30 am

Journal 11.10.2024 8.49 am light of hope

Dear Journal,

I had a cryptic pleasant dream before waking up. Now I don't remember the dream.

I am extremely worried about Arun. Extremely is an understatement. I wish he was not so disturbed yesterday.

He is not likely to message me or call me up, I know that. I know him very well.

Whatever the reasons may be he doesn't want to get back together and I just wish he was more pleasant yesterday. But of course love means accepting the person you love through his highs and lows.

Forgetting Arun and moving on is just not a possibility. It's not even in my scheme of things. I can't imagine it at all.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could make him feel better. I wish he would just give me a chance to do so.

Seeing him yesterday shows me how I must take care of my own mind.

And I wish Arun's mind dwelled more on pleasantness. I wish he had fewer thoughts of violence. I haven't chanted in two weeks but I'll do so now.

I'll sit and attend my classes today.

I love love love my Arun. I really really do.

I send him all my love and I wish to see the light of hope glimmering in him.

Love,

Me.

8.59 am

poetess

What can I do? I'm a poetess

Who weaves dreams by day

And loves by night;

A poet's heart is true they say

With lofty ideals through and through;

But a poetess they say can't be trusted

So I'll lay the facts bare today:

I can promise you the world 

In a heartfelt rhyme

And for that you don't part with

A single dime;

I can sing your praises,

Paint fantasies for you to taste,

But at the end of the day

The rhythm is disrupted

In our circumstances

Because we are pals today,

Not lovers, and the inspiration 

Has stopped churning

Within my heart

And I still hold the ideals

That my love is founded on

High never saying 

Nay.

Journal 10.12.2024 11.29 pm anguished

Dear Journal,

Today I literally faffed around all day. My periods are not easy for me at all.

In the evening Arun messaged and asked me to join him at Bottles. I went promptly.

I told him how much I love him and I also told him that we should probably make love. Because I can't be with anybody else, frankly.

There is this girl whose name I don't know, some strange girl. Arun told this girl that we've never had sex and that we are friends now and asked her if we should have sex.

That upset me a lot. Why does he go around talking crap? I don't think I'll be able to forget this disrespect and slight so easily. And of course I'm never going to ask him to make love to me ever again.

He was in a terrible mood today. His brother apparently got shot in the lungs yesterday and he was very very upset. I sat there helplessly not knowing how to quell his anguish.

I kissed him, I wiped his tears.

And he repeatedly kept saying that we are not together. He's said it so many times that he doesn't love me that I believe it.

I wish he had not kissed me last night.

Well, all is well and I really hope tomorrow is a much better day. I cried a bit sitting there with him. I clicked a few photographs.

And he wants to just be friends with me. I should respect that. But then we shouldn't hold hands and kiss, right? I need to reason with myself and come to an understanding of how I should handle him.

He said he'll be flying to Dubai soon to meet his brother.

Love,

Me.

I'm never leaving him, I'm never letting him go.

He has his flaws but I love him nevertheless.

I bled a lot today. My periods have become really tough.

Love,

Me.

11.43 pm

Journal 10.12.2024 1.41 pm tough period

Dear Journal,

Buro just entered the house to remove some suitcases from my room, shouted at me, said things that were unpalatable and rude and given that I have my periods I couldn't hold my tongue. I lashed back at him and as is the norm in this house Pa pointed fingers at me and admonished me.

How is Buro this rude and disrespectful?

And why did this happen on the first day of my periods? I really am so heartbroken by Buro's rudeness and harsh words. I'm in tears and am crying uncontrollably. Also I'm feeling really sad right now about how things are with A.

And from my upbeat mood in the morning I am in shambles now. I wish I had someone to talk to. I really need a tight hug. I want someone to understand me. I want to talk to someone who will tell me it will all be alright.

Why did Buro say such harsh things to me?

I wonder how people tolerate his rudeness?

I should not have lashed back but my hormones are not supporting me.

I wish my periods were easy but as I'm getting older they are really very very tough for me emotionally.

I wish A would message. I so miss him and I so love him.

Well, I hope to feel better soon.

Love,

Me.

1.49 pm

Journal 10.12.2024 10.53 am Love deeper than deep

Dear Journal,

Last night I came home with swollen lips, which I think are still all puffy. So there is no hiding from Ma and Pa that something is up.

I met my sweetest Arun yesterday after a long time.

As the evening and our conversations progressed, I had made up my mind that I won't cross the line and respect Arun's boundaries because he is married after all.

But at the end of it all we kissed and it was wonderful. Smelling his musky skin after such a long time was divine.

We talked about so many things last night and I simply love spending time with him.

I'll respect whatever boundaries Arun sets. I won't breach them because I truly truly love him.

In the rick A said that I would find someone and I should. But there is a fat chance of that happening and that is a gross understatement.

He is irreplaceable for me. God may bestow me with troves of diamonds, rubies,  pearls and precious gems of all sorts but if I had to give it all up just to be friends with him I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I know many people but few are priority. Arun is as dear to me as Ma and Pa.

He has fractured his ribs and that has gotten me really very worried.

Plus my periods started today and my mind is a haze.

I so regret hurting him. My eyes well up with tears when I think of how much I must have hurt him.

Yesterday at one point this cutie pie told me that he is worried about the future. I completely understand that. He has high expectations for himself and has huge goals. That's what makes him so brilliant.

I wish I could tell him that he need not worry about a thing because he is perfect and no obstacle can topple him because he is made of mettle far superior to others. I wish I could assure him that it's all good, it's alright and that it's normal at some stages of your life to feel this way.

My deepest desire these days is to have a superpower to wipe off the worries of Ma, Pa and Arun. I wish to prove myself so capable that my loved ones need not worry about a thing and can easily lean on me for support. I want to be the tree that provides them shade from sun and storms.

There was some guy at the bar yesterday who asked me to message him for some movie contacts. I took his number. But this guy had placed his fingers on my knee. Now this is so common in the film industry. I've experienced far worse.

On noticing this, A said that I should have moved the guy's hand away. May be I should have.

But I won't message this guy at all because A wasn't comfortable with this and his feelings really matter to me.

I'm writing this journal entry while taking a walk in the building because the lift has been out of order for days now.

I love my sweetest heart the absolute most and there's no way I'll let him disappear from my life.

Why is he so dear to me? There is no reasonable reason, it must be karmic. I must have made a promise to him in a past life to love him deeper than deep and to be utterly devoted to him.

The two pictures I clicked of him yesterday are now my current favourites.

I am feeling:

Extremely emotional

Hazy

Full of love so deep for Arun that there's really no other way to be.

Given that I'm in heat,  I don't know how today will pan out. I hope to make the most of today.

Now to have a cigarette and climb the stairs up.

I am grateful for my loved ones and all the experiences they bring into my life.

I am grateful that each day is getting better than the previous one.

I am grateful for my parents, brother and Arun.

Love,

Me.

11.25 am

Silences

Our silences have widened

Into a never-ending vacuum,

Ceaselessly having me floundering

That I can barely see or assume.

There is so much action behind the curtain,

So much that I would have loved to say,

And I'm sure you've deleted from your brain

All my sweet words to you of past days.

I go over some penned lines,

Some heartfelt soulful tributes 

And I've aged a lot in the days gone past

As our memories I reboot.

I must say I haven't crafted much poetry,

And I haven't sung any soulful songs,

Because my inspiration has taken flight

And without that it would be wrong.

I must say the line of men has lengthened

While they ask for smiles or some time,

But I could not yet give my heart to another

Because nobody else inspires me to rhyme.

I am cautious lest I overstress 

That I haven't really forgotten you,

I can't, I shouldn't, I mustn't because

The hardest thing was losing you.

When you see me again will you please

Shake my hand or give me a hug?

Or at least flash me one of your charming smiles

And let me waft in your signature musk?

I wish our days were longer,

I wish your face always adorned 

By your pearly whites

And I wish you cross every rainbow

And bask in only soothing sites.

Journal 7.12.2024 7.29 am A dream

Dear Journal,

Just before waking up I saw a dream where A is dating some other girl from his office and is being questioned about this by his boss. He starts blushing and then his face transforms to Shane Warne's. That's it, then I woke up.

Love,

Me.

7.31 am

Journal 6.12.2024 9.41 pm Letting go

Dear Journal,

I woke up so late today. The greater part of the day till after lunch was spent chatting and talking to De Jh. He made a snap judgment about me that really hurt me. Even though I do assess people and try to tell how their minds are when I see them I avoid judging them for their weaknesses.

This is something that has been cultivated after years of praying for others. Everybody deserves veneration. So even though I was hurt, I saw that De Jh is actually very sweet but may be kind of blind to his own faults as we all are.

The school reunion is today and I'm not going for it. I have an early morning session tomorrow and I'd rather sleep early tonight than drink and party till late. I'll meet the essential folks from school in the next few months.

I haven't chanted in over 5 days oweing to my committment to ps. Also the days have been spent in a dreamy haze daydreaming.

Apj Abdul Kalam says: "It is not the dreams that you dream when you fall asleep that matter but the ones that keep you up late at night." Well, his statement pardons me. But I'd say that I'm really grateful that I sleep well at night and see dreams as I sleep that teach me so much. To find your purpose is a challenge for many. And I think my purpose lies in many things but on one path. I'm sure like De Jh judged me today, many other people do... I'm sure A did and still does but what matters at the end of the day is whether I'm satisfied.

I gave my ps mocks today. I could have done better.

Also a lady messaged me today for Tarot but she refrained from sharing her name.

Positive thinking goes a long way in feeling happy.

Today, as I proceeded out of the building I saw Twi crying and talking to Marz. When I caught her alone later I tried to encourage her by pointing out to her all the things that are going well for her.

Positive thinking goes a long long way. To genuinely appreciate all the things going well in life adorns it with a charm unparalleled.

There are so many blessings, so many graces God has bestowed me with that I can't really complain. I tend to be humble and not advertise myself too much. May be that's why De Jh and people like A tend to judge me harshly. I know that not selling yourself has its drawbacks because people tend to undervalue you. But there are pros and cons. Humility also means you are more approachable for a broader spectrum of people. Nobody reads my blog. But I'd like to discuss this with my friends.

I'll be alone at home for 10 days when the folks are in Calcutta. I hope to make the most of my time when they are not here.

Also, for the past many many days I've been kind of releasing A from my heart, kind of letting him go. I'm sure he's perched on someone else's branch with some other bird. Sometimes I feel sad and tear up but all that happens, happens for the best. I don't know when and where I'll find someone else to date but someone will come along.

People tend to be so straitjacketed. The theatre friends like A Alam and others who I sometimes take a walk with are like "Get married Doel!" But whom to? I'm sure the icing on the cake at the end of it all will be sweet, juicy and fresh and I'll get to enjoy my cake and eat it too. I don't know why but I have a gut feeling that all is well and all will be well.

For some reason ever since A and I broke up I haven't been fretting too much about the future; sometimes yes, but generally I've been having a feeling that life will turn out stupendously well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Floating on cloud 9

Positive

Grateful

Loving

Loved

Sweet

Fulfilled

Eager

I am grateful for my early morning dreams. I missed documenting them for a long time. They teach me so much.

I am grateful that even though we broke up, I experienced Arun. I have no grievances and that's a good place to be at.

I am grateful for ps and all my students.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I ate today.

I am grateful that I spent quality time with Ma, Pa, Sadhya, Melon and KitKat today.

I am grateful that I brought a smile to Twinkle's face today.

I am grateful for the neighbours I bump into each day.

I am grateful that I have money.

I am grateful for my pedigree.

I am grateful that I'm feeling happy.

I am grateful that I gave my first mock exam today.

I am grateful for my blazing beautiful life that is embellished with love.

I am grateful for all the wonderful doctors in my life.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for this beautiful night that finds me in a slumber so deep and sweet that tomorrow will be a day when I blaze many trails.

I am grateful for this Journal.

I am grateful for my family and my home.

Love,

Me.

10.21 pm

Journal 6.12.2024 9.50 am cryptic dreams

Dear Journal,

We came back rather late yesterday from Dr N's and I woke up so late. A messaged yesterday. Well....

I had a dream before waking up that I was trying to watch porn but I wasn't actually but in my dream I simulated the experience. I saw Bha in my dream and I was ignoring him. I was planning my wedding saree in the dream-- pink and white gold, so very pretty.

I saw a chinky father figure in the dream, who said he always watches out for me and some other details like a guy (in my dream) called Arpit being told not to talk to me. The dream ended with me deciding the saree. 

So very cryptic this is.

I have a ps session in the afternoon and my first mock to give. I'll give it around 1.

Life is good. I am not likely to watch porn in reality.

Love,

Me.

9.58 am

Journal 04.12.2024 6.40 pm after a long time an update

Dear Journal,

Life has gotten so busy that I haven't been updating my journal. The purpose of this entry is to continue paying gratitude.

I'm busy with ps, the assignments and meeting people. I met ik today and we went to qd for lunch and he introduced me to this new dating app.

I have so many guy friends it's unbelievable. I've also been talking to Twi. She is worried about her diagnosis. 

I don't really need more men to talk to.

I've also been having many cryptic dreams and have reduced my smoking. I keep seeing A in my dreams. I still love him so deeply.

Day and night paying him back his money is always on my mind.

I'm at Dr Shinde's at the moment for a sore throat. I know life will turn out stupendously well, I just know it. I hope A is doing well with whatever he is doing and that he's happy.

I am feeling:

Happy

Itchy

Tired

Full of love 

Slightly anxious

Grateful

I am grateful for ps. It's such a wonderful platform to express myself and reach out to those who need me. I'm grateful for my trainer. I have to finish today's assignments.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents. They bring me joy like noone else can.

I am grateful for Chotto, Sadhya, Melon and Kat. They are my heartbeats.

I am grateful for my wonderful friends.

I am grateful for having experienced Arun's love. I'm a much better person for it.

I am grateful for all the sumptuous food I eat.

I am grateful for the auditions that come my way. I can definitely do better in giving them.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for my beautiful home, books and clothes.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful that Mad cleaned my room.

I am grateful that I met ik today and spent some good time talking to him.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for the inflow of money. 

I am grateful for the treasures of my heart. I can't emphasise on this enough.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the good doctors in my life.

I am grateful for L-Glut.

I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, Dadu and Thama.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for the life coursing through my veins and arteries.

I am grateful for yoga and pranayama.

Love,

Me.

7 pm

Journal 27.11.2024 5.16 pm my mind

Dear Journal,

My mind is a warble. And I don't know what to say to anybody.

I have nobody to talk to and I really miss Arun's company.

I feel all alone and I must be able to take care of myself. It's not like I had any hopes pinned on our relationship but I did feel that our togetherness would last.

I must not impinge myself on him.

This journal is a blessing.

To know Arun has been one of my life's greatest blessings.

Love,

Me.

Journal 27.11.2024 1.11 pm Missing Arun

Dear Journal,

I woke up with a dream of Arun. I dreamt that Ramk had given me some work and that I have finished it and that I love Arun. I saw him in the dream as the object of all my desires and I saw him coveting an older woman. I still love Arun so deeply. I can't stop thinking about him at all.

I have the assignment from Ra Maj but I'm sitting on it. I haven't got many Tarot clients in the past month and I haven't chanted in days.

I think things plausible and true but I can't tell anybody.

I think things of all sorts and may be I should be regular with my meds. 

See Dhi has called me to her place today.

I'll meet her.

Now i'll chant after days and get on with my day.

I am whole, I am healthy, I am full.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for having loved Arun.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful that I'm accepted and loved.

I am grateful for God.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my beauty.

I am grateful that I have Ra Maj's project.

Love,

Me.

1.23 pm

Truths

Our lives are the lies we tell ourselves

And our victories are all the Truths

On which we dwell.

Harmony is in the nosiness of our beings

And love is all the sustenance that we

Will ever need.

Life goes on deathless into the vast beyond 

And there is no pain when you employ

Understanding as you are fond.

There are Truths in every lie

And the Truth can never quite defy.

-- Doel Sengupta

No more blindness

If there was anymore sunshine

I would probably go blind

In the wind, in the rain,

The light so beautiful

That I see again in

The golden rainbow

Of the night

The sun

Shines oh

So bright!

-- Doel Sengupta

Love is all I need

Love is beautiful, love is pure

Of that I am super sure;

In the middle of the life

In the jungles of heaven

Beautiful priceless gems shine

For immortal Paradise!

Journal 18.11.2024 3.28 pm Uma dida is no more

Dear Journal,

A while ago Ma messaged that Uma dida is no more. It's not good to keep regrets. I'm so sorry that I didn't eat lunch at her place the last time I was in Calcutta. May her soul rest in peace and may she be born in the happiest circumstances. Her death makes me sad.

In other news, I'm very sad that Arun is not talking to me. May be I should not have told him how much I love him and miss him.

I don't know how he's feeling. But a gut feeling tells me that he is very very sad. I hope I'm wrong. And this thought is also making me very sad.

May be I should completely let him go and let him be. But I could never live away from him. That would make me saddest and I want to be happy.

I wish I had an answer to my question. Will he have me in his life?

Silence speaks louder than words and his silence tells me he wants to be left alone.

I so love him. I so want to kiss his cheeks.

And I wish I could pay my last respects to Uma dida. Her life has been a celebration.

I hope I end the day on a happy note. I really wish for Arun to love me. Does he really not love me anymore? That makes me so sad and makes me feel so unlovable and dejected.

I think he's probably happy. 

Will he call me again?

I think I'll never stop loving him ever. And I need a way to manage the deep emotions I have for him in my heart.

I wish he was communicating. I wish I knew his thoughts.

May he be super happy. May life give him whatever he desires and may he always be loved. He's loved by me for sure.

Love,

Me.

3.39 pm

Journal 17.11.2024 4.43 pm Life is too short to....

Dearest Journal,

Life is really too short to not be Arun's friend just because I have such a deep ardent love for him. In fact, that is more reason to be friends with him. But I won't message him. I'll give him his peace of mind.

Life is too short to hold grudges against anyone. You never know when you'll meet them next in the eternity of life.

Life is too short to squander time.

Life is for living, yes. But basically life is for loving.

Life is for forgiveness and the sharing of stories.

Arun is married. On every date I met him he spoke about his wife. I should be understanding. I can't trouble him just because I love him.

I've been all tears ever since he called. I can't seem to stop crying. I wish I could tell him that I'll always think that he is the cutest person in the whole world and my favourite human being.

Life is too short to not have him by my side and listen to his stories.

I really care so deeply about this man. I wish he felt love for me.

I'll never be able to stop loving him.

You know I'm so so so worried about him. Is he fine? Should I call him? But he needs his space.

Where will I find another Arun D? There is no one like him. My best friend, my heart beat.

Love,

Me.

Journal 17.11.2024 10.52 am Guz's birthday

Dear Journal,

Today is Guz's birthday. Tomorrow is Subu's and G's. I have to wish all of them.

I have to let go of Arun. I don't think I'd ever believe him if he were to tell me that he loves me. I was so expendable for him.

Its not rocket science, it's easy to say he's found someone else.

But what should I do with all these feelings? I'll keep them in my heart and love him all the same. It's going to be very difficult to move on. Very, very.

I've cursorily prepared for the zadankai.

I hope to have a great day!

Love,

Me.

10.56 am

Journal 17.11.2024 8.51 am Guz's birthday

Dear Journal,

I think I've gone mad. Why did Arun call me up? We didn't talk for very long but even hearing the slightest glimmer of his voice changes my world.

It's Guz's birthday today. I'll call her up. She hasn't really kept in touch. Tomorrow is Subu's birthday and also G's.

I have to learn to take care of myself. Nothing has changed. Nothing. I don't think I want to meet A, even though I'd love to see his sweet face.

I'm not really being able to remember my dreams these days. They give me indications of how things are.

Nobody will ever love A more than I do. I don't think it's possible.

But he doesn't want to be with me. And that makes me so sad. I would have done anything for him. Even this I will do, not talking to him or troubling him and giving him his peace of mind.

I told him whatever I wanted to tell him over messages. Now I won't call him or message him. I'll let him be happy.

I hope he's taking care of himself. He must be drowned in alcohol with some other pretty girl by his side.

I really hope I can get over him.

Well.

I am feeling:

Teary 

Sad

Very emotional

Deeply in love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.01 am

Giving

This heart in which I harbour all thoughts

Is hardened with pain and tears of what was wrought

And in it  there were so many dreams sought.

Ah! To feel the cool balm of love again

As I receive so I give and give and give I do.

Journal 16.11.2024 12.26 pm Iam grateful

Dear Journal,

I was so sad yesterday. I cried a lot because I love Arun so deeply still. And I'm very grateful that he replied to my messages at night because if he hadn't I would have never slept. I slept like a baby yesterday.

He said he'd call. I'm assuming some day. I was so happy in the morning when I woke up. Because it's always nice to hear from the one you love.

But right now again I'm feeling desolate. Because he did tell me so many times that he doesn't love me anymore, convincing me to that effect.

It's going to be very difficult to just be friends with him but I'll give it a try.

This Vin casting guy has been messaging and calling all morning. I've been ignoring him but may be he really wants to tell me something so I'll call him back.

I have to write the play for the zadankai and I'm just not feeling up for it.

How are Arun's days going? He's so disciplined when it comes to work so I'm sure he's pulling through just fine.

Things will never be the same with him again because I'm so hurt.

When we were breaking up I felt that if he just gave it a chance things would be better than before. But he said then that he doesn't love me and has moved on. It was so easy for him to discard me from his life.

I really hope today is a much better day than yesterday.

And I don't know but I wish I was not so magnanimously emotional about Arun that all I see is him. He doesn't feel that way about me and that's a pity.

I wish things were different. I truly wish.

I wish we were on the same page.

Love,

Me.

12.38 pm

Journal 15.11.2024 4.53 pm Feeling misunderstood

Dear Journal,

I've been sad since morning. Just when I thought I would move on I got a call from A yesterday.

I've not been my happiest since morning. After all, he did discard me just like that from his life. He said it was because people told him things about me. But I know he had his reasons.

In fact, I'm glad he called. Not only did I get to hear his voice but I faced facts. He did break my heart very badly. And it's not the first time. He's broken my heart on many occasions even while we were dating.

I'm sure he's found someone else. And the last thing I expected and now I realise even wanted was a call from him.

Shakyamuni Buddha said: "The farther the source the longer the stream." With this whole infinite depth of feelings I have for him and in general I know that I have a very very long way to go. I have very far to go.

A did ignore me completely for two whole months before breaking up with me. And I can never forget that slight.

I don't want to overthink anything so I haven't been thinking anything but just generally harbouring my feelings.

Why did my heart choose him to love so deeply? And why exactly do I love him so deeply? And what should I do with all these feelings I have for him? And will I ever heal?

You know my friends say that I've gone through much more than most people but I feel that I also feel far more than other people, I have been gifted with far more insight and love than most people and I have a desire to serve more than most.

The conditions will arise when all my desires will fructify and I don't think anyone quite sees things the way I see them. That is why sometimes I feel misunderstood. In fact, right from my parents to my brother to A everyone feels my heart is to be trampled upon and I can be slighted in any manner and anyhow. I think my love is taken for granted. And I should do something about it.

I have friends who think they know better than me what is good for me. But no one knows me better than myself. May be I'm not that assertive and I don't say things when they should be said and I always wait for the after....

Well, anyhow today I feel hurt by A. All these days away from him I've been kind of nursing my feelings. But today I feel he has really broken my heart. Of course, he says he doesn't love me anymore so there's nothing to be done.

I would have never hurt him the way he hurt me. But that's me. He would have hurt any girl the way he hurt me because he did.

Taking him off my priority list is virtually impossible and unfathomable right now. And who knows what the future has in store. (And I'm not letting any soothsayer's words influence me.)

Life is dynamic. You meet people every day. And there are all sorts of friendships and relationships.

A week ago I really wanted to meet him. Right now after realising how heartbroken I really am I don't want to see him. If he were to ask me to meet him (hypothetically speaking) I wouldn't say no but gone are the days when I'd feel like wearing something nice to meet him. I, in fact, don't want him to see my face that's how desolate I'm feeling.

I could cry a little more than I have today. Such is life.

I am feeling:

Hurt

My mind is a whirlwind

Full of love

My pulse on the future

Respectworthy 

Reflecting on the past which I shouldn't 

Happy

Need to feel centred

Loving

Loved

Feel like I'm not really seeing things the way they should be seen and I wish someone who understood me could give me perspective.

In other news, life is good. I have learnt to never underestimate anybody and to never look down upon or to look up to anybody. G used to tell me that I never quite keep the status quo. I don't.

All people are capable of both good and evil. Even the angel aunty who smiles at you on the road has skeletons in her closet. So forgiveness is for all. And I must be able to forgive Arun, my mother, my brother, all people I love deeply and who have hurt me.

I wish I was wiser. I really wish I was.

And I wish I knew something about the future. Or wherefore I'm headed or what exactly is the right thing to do. Meeting a therapist is like applying bandage to a wound. I want a friend who really knows and understands me to hear me out. But given that I never tell anybody anything these days that's unlikely to happen.

I feel highly misunderstood and alone. I feel like nobody really understands me except myself and I in turn understand everybody.

May be I need some appreciation. I never get any from my family and never got any from Arun. Why are things like this?

I've never become a mother but I've loved many children as a mother. But I don't think anyone's ever understood the child in me. Not even my own mother.

I feel like I should move on from Arun. Let bygones be bygones and really forgive him.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.41 pm

Ps: Both very wealthy men and very beautiful women are capable of exhibiting a very nasty heart. Both De Jh and Sa Li today messaged me with several angry smilies saying I'm a very bad friend because I don't talk to them when they need me most. They are both very good friends. I told both of them I would attend to them when I'm feeling up to it and that I need space since I'm not feeling too well. I'll call up Sa Li before sleeping today.

Nichiren says: "Suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life."

What gives suffering also brings about joy and what is absolutely joyous (like Arun for me) is capable of giving immense pain. And nothing is totally all joy or all pain and it's presumptuous to accept or reject anything on account of either.

My periods are becoming emotionally difficult for me as I get older and I wish I had someone to talk to. When I tell Pa I have my periods he's very sweet to me. When I tell Ma that I'm feeling low because I have my periods she disregards my suffering and says all women go through it. Right through life Ma has shown me that she is capable of being very mean. Arun is also exactly like that. They both sometimes don't make the effort to be compassionate and see someone else's suffering. Egoistic.

And why exactly do I give Arun so much importance? Why do I write so much about him and think about him so much? Because I genuinely love him. I always, always will. But a lot of water has flown under the bridge. I haven't seen him in over four months. And a lot has happened since then. And he says he doesn't love me anymore. But I guess the bridge hasn't cracked and is still standing strong, having weathered the storm. We can still respectfully communicate. And it's never good to burn perfectly accessible bridges that fortify our lives. So I guess, on that note I'll accept my obnoxious wealthy guy friends despite their tantrums and also keep my arms open for Arun always. Because the bridges still stand. This is just a small hurricane.

7.13 pm

Journal 15.11.2024 9.59 am A feeling of letting go

Dear Journal,

I do love Arun. But even though I was happy he'd called yesterday I was left with a feeling of sadness after talking to him. After all we are not together anymore. And he says he doesn't love me anymore.

How do I stop loving him? I'll never be able to.

I saw some complicated dream before waking up and since morning I've been feeling really sad. I'm all tears right now.

I've been thinking that God has given me a really difficult mother. And I do have a yoke to bear. And that I should be grateful.

Will I ever find love again? And will I ever be able to get over A? What does God have planned for me, I do not know. All I know today is that I've wasted enough precious time and I can't anymore.

What does Arun think of me these days, I wish I knew. Does he respect me?

I've never quite ever opened up to him and there are many things I haven't told him being the listener to him.

I really do love him.

I'm sure he's with somebody else now.

I really hope to bring lots of joy to my parents. What I have I can't lose.

And I know that life will always treat me really well.

I wish I could stop smoking. If I'm able to do that, that would be a real victory.

These are just random meanderings of my mind right now as I can't stop the tears.

To let go. Like to really let go is what I seek.

I may find many reasons to find fault with Arun. But he is not a wifebeater. He is a decent gentleman who has a huge heart.

His smile and his sultry eyes keep flashing in my mind's eye. And I miss him. But today I can say that things will never be the same ever again. And that loss really hurts. And I must make room for the unknown to become known and to embrace life and love with all its beauty.

I don't know where I am and where I'm headed. All I know is that I have faith and my heart to carry me forward.

This De Jh messages me all day long. It doesn't seem like he has a lot of work to do. Spoilt rich brat is very annoying.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents who put up with me without complaining.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful that I have this gorgeous day in front of me to make the most of.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for this beautiful home.

I am grateful for time.

Love,

Me.

Journal 14.11.2024 2.08 pm It's lovely

Dear Journal,

I started the day glumly, thinking about Arun. But I forced myself to get on with the day. And then as I was chanting, praying for him the phone rang and he called!

I was so surprised to receive a call from him. I always have to stop myself from telling him I love him these days. We spoke briefly,  but even a few words exchanged with him is worth it. It is worth way more than all the joys of my life put together.

Anyhow, for the past month or so I feel like a great beautiful windy gale is brewing in my life and when at its force it will sweep me away. It's a good feeling but it causes me to feel that it's out of my control and I'm really trying very hard to get a grip on things. My periods are on and that doesn't help with feeling up to it.

Anyhow, today Bda didn't end up coming and that makes me happy. Sam has been sharing pics of his trip to Neral.

And I shall do all my nitty gritties and make the most of this day.

I'll always love Arun. He's always going to remain the most special guy in my life.

He asked me about the movie. It seemed like that is why he'd called. I told him that I'd declined the offer. I don't know how he feels about it.

Life is good. And like Sam says Life is Beautiful.

Yesterday, H Meh came home and told me to paint more. I really really should. But I haven't in so many months.

I ignored De Jh this morning and he felt really bad. But I can't chat with him all day long. I just can't. Even though he's very sweet and all that.

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love

Love,

Me.

2.22 pm.

Journal 12.11.2024 6.02 pm Meeting Sam

Dear Journal,

Ever since I've started talking to Sam I feel like I've been immersed right at the bottom of the universal ocean of love, so efficacious is his positivity.

When I first started talking to him I missed Arun so deeply that for the first three days I cried in pain and slept all day.

And then of course I met Sam himself. He is such a ball of optimism. Even though I'd decided I won't talk about A all evening that's all I spoke about and S said: "You are so into him."

He came across as such a sweet pious Jewish man and I feel he'd be a great influence on me.

He spoke about his ex, I spoke about A and as it turns out we share a lot in common.

I feel ever since I've met Sam that I've been immersed in the Universal dream with my pulse on it.

As I learnt that Sam's father is the head of the synagogue in India and he comes from a very orthodox Jewish family and will marry only a Jewish girl. That was a little painful to hear at first since he's so amazing but it's lovely. My first real Jewish friend.

The other day after he'd dropped me home he sent me a video about letting go. I just watched the video again and yes, I realise, Arun doesn't want to be with me so I have to let go, completely. I'll always, always love Arun but I must distract myself.

I feel like I've been hypnotised by Sam's positivity. He's so hopeful.

De Jh has been messaging me that he wants to buy me a gift just like that because he thinks I'm so sweet and I've been protesting. Now I've just stopped replying to his messages.

I bought Sam the James Allen and Chaim Potok books and he said he would buy me a nice Torah when he goes to Israel.

It's such a small world! He was at the Israeli embassy party I attended in 2016 on behalf of DNA.

We've decided to be friends which is the right thing because we come from starkly different cultural backgrounds. I really respect him.

His nephews are so cute. Two naughty Jewish boys.

It's wonderful to make friends and it's really wonderful to meet Sam. Like he said: "It seems like us meeting is part of a divine plan and it doesn't feel like we've just gotten to know each other."

It's amazing, life is very very good.

In other news, I've cleared all the rounds of Psat and my training starts next week. I don't think I'll be able to go to Calcutta, which is a great pity.

I am feeling positively beheld and drowsy all day and Ma and Pa say they are feeling exactly like that too. I guess it's the weather.

I think I love Sam but I'll never tell him that. That'll be too precocious and in the way of our friendship.

I am feeling:

Good

Happy

Positive 

Grateful 

Full of love

Sweet

Loved

Humble

A little worried

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life with all its wonderful experiences and all the people who adorn it. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.30 pm

Journal 10.11.2024 10.39 am Reaching for the moon

Dear Journal,

Last night mosquitoes bit me through and through and through it all I remember dreaming that I was reaching for the moon.

Actually it's a good thing that it's over with A. He doesn't have it in him to be true to me. 

I'll never forget how he told Vib to suck his dick or how he fell at that girl Rut's feet. He is not a decent man when it comes to women. Not in the way he talks.

But he did treat me very well (I mean decently) and he has a gentle heart that made me value him.

I'm sure he's with someone else now. That goes without saying. And he lies through his nose and is not to be trusted. He lied on his birthday.

He's arrogant to the core. And I'm sure he was not true to me.

All these remembrances hurt me. He did stare at Mun all through the first innings of the World Cup finals.

I should let him be. He'll keep philandering into his old age.

He judged me.

Actually everybody told me to leave him. Dr Dhawale when he met A had told me not to be with him, saying that he has a lot of issues and would never be true to me. But I would never do that to A. I should probably listen to people more. Or I don't know.

And then A told me that he'd left me because people told him to leave me.

That really hurt me.

He has his own psychological issues. Why did I love him so much? Why was my heart not more reasonable?

His face keeps flashing into my mind's eye.

I don't hate him. He's a humanbeing. And nobody is perfect. And I do know that he's valuable.

I wish him all the best.

I really hope Sam and me hit it off today and that we enjoy each other's company.

Love,

Me.

10.51 am

Journal 9.11.2024 3.05 pm Moving on

Dear Journal,

I must let my relationship with A rest in peace. He didn't give me any explanations except that I'd troubled him and that he's moved on. I think he still owes me an explanation for just leaving me whatever it may be.

It's no point being so unhappy and constantly thinking about him. Of course I still love him. I know I always will. But he troubled me a lot too. By no measure was he an easy boyfriend to have. He made me cry, he broke my heart on many occasions and he has his own madness. Yet I would never hurt him the way he hurt me. May be I did always love him more.

It's not like he stayed. He judged me. He discussed me with all and sundry and took a decision and took off. And plus of course he is married.

It has all been too much, you know journal.

He's been a helluva complicated troubled boyfriend to have. Should I delete our pictures at some point?

He's not available for a conversation. And the last time I called him he was very very rude to me. I don't think I deserve that kind of disrespect and arrogance from him. He thinks no end of himself and looks down on people less fortunate than him. That can't bode him well in life or give him true respect since he doesn't respect people in general.

These are his drawbacks. And I won't expound on his virtues. Paeans of this journal are filled with how much I love him and what he means to me. But if I mean nothing to him is there any point in dwelling on all that?

I wish him well. May he be happy and healthy. I actually worry about him. Something tells me he's going through some pain. Is he really or is it just a passing feeling?

I'll be fine. I have to bury this relationship. I have set him free and now I have to fly away to perch on finer branches.

I am feeling:

Freer

Happier than I've been in the past two weeks because I've actually decided to move on. And there's no turning back from here. I won't take Arun back anymore.

Alive

Awake

Cold

Dry

Appreciative

Sweet

Loyal

Happy

Eager to make the most of my day and my life

Let bygones be bygones. If he loved me half as much as I loved him he would have treated me differently not just at the end but throughout our relationship.

I am grateful for my sweet family and all my lovely friends and all the many men who evince an interest in me (I've never actually enjoyed the attention.) But they tell me that I must be pretty and wonderful in my own sweet way and I'm happy for that. I am grateful for God's many gifts to me.

So the other day I met De Jh. And we were discussing palmistry. And I've been studying his version and I notice that I have whorls on both my thumbs and mounts of moons. What does that mean? There isn't much explanation about it on Google. Whorls on the thumbs Google says is determination and will power and on the mounts of moon it means imagination. 

Well, well.

I hope to enjoy with Sa So on Monday. Then he's taking off for Israel. He's very sweet. I hope to have a long, deep conversation with him on Monday. Really looking forward to it.

May be at some point I'll get over A completely. And then, of course, if that happens I won't even want to be friends with him. Because I actually am hurt.

Love,

Me.

3.34 pm

Journal 9.11.2024 9.41 am I should really

Dear Journal,

I should really really let Arun go from my heart and mind. He is married and not ever likely to be loyal. I should really set him free.

I should really make the most of each moment, utilising it towards my growth and evolution.

I should really cherish my family. They are my backbone.

I should really diligently pray each day. It shapes my life.

I should really may be give Sa So a chance.

I should really be happy because I did, of course, say I love him. And he doesn't. So that's his choice.

I should really really love everybody and happiness will follow.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am

Journal 9.11.2024 8.50 am Dreaming of being alone

Dear Journal,

I've been having recurring dreams of being all alone.

I am actually feeling all alone despite talking to people. May be I should be nicer to the people I talk to and not isolate myself with thoughts of A.

I still love him so deeply. And I do feel alone in real life.

I, of course, googled the meaning of the dream. Is he happy? It was so easy for him to leave me. That makes me very sad.

Love,

Me.

8.54 am

Journal 8.11.2024 7.27 pm Remembering Laxmidoss

Dear Journal,

I'm really not taking care of myself. I don't feel like dressing up when I go out because I'm not going out with A. When I receive people at home I'm being such a plain Jane. This has to change.

Whenever I miss Arun acutely my mind goes to Mr Laxmidoss, the astrologer I had met in Chennai. It's not like I feel my heart abrim all the time for Arun; I feel the hurt, I feel the pain. But in the past I've always moved on really quickly from break ups. But this time it is not so.

I really love him in a selfless kind of way, appreciate him for his beauty. I was thinking about the ambigram he designed for himself last year. It was a work of genius. I so love this man. And I can't forget him and I don't want my love for him to die because he brought me so much joy and inspired me so deeply with just his regularness and his solemn entity.

He is so handsome and cute. And the pictures of us that I have show how deeply in love we were.

I imagine when he says now that he doesn't love me anymore he feels the way I felt when we were first going out. In his pain and anguish he hurt me a lot those days, comparing me to his wife and exes repeatedly and I used to walk around feeling brokenhearted. But I gave us a chance because I truly loved the fragrance of his skin and even within that pain I felt the light of love.

I must have hurt him so that he also felt broken hearted.

Yesterday when I was reading cards for De Jh, he said he wants to sever ties with his girlfriend because she is so dependent on him emotionally. I picked his cards and he got the devil and the Queen of Cups among other cards.

And I told him it's not possible for him to sever ties completely because the attraction and respect he has for her will never allow him to do that.

Then I went out of the realm of the cards and told him that when a woman is in love she does become more submissive emotionally and her judgments are coloured by her partner's judgments because she basks in the glory of her partner's protective love. That is a sign of a woman in love.

Did Arun also feel I needed him too much and was too dependent on him? Well I loved him and respected him in a way I have no other man and I actually really miss him.

Mr Laxmidoss used to be an engineer from a family of astrologers who was always sceptical about astrology. But once he got the conviction he left everything to become an astrologer. Much like my Tarot card reading.

He told me a few things till now that have come true and he's told me about things here on... let's see. I don't have his number.

I was in the midst of breaking up with G and Mr L told me it would never work out. Looking back me and G would never have made it. There was no real connection but I felt otherwise those days.

He said then (and I just can't shake the memory of this meeting since meeting and knowing A) that I would fall in love with a married man, much older to me and with children, and he described A just as I see him, at the age of 38. I met A at the age of 38. He said, "You may not believe it but this will be the relationship of your life. If you don't marry him it'll be because of your own inhibitions so when this happens don't hesitate. But believe it or not whether you marry him or not this man will be your partner." I think about this and I feel hurt because things are just not like that right now.

I shouldn't trouble A with messages. I should give him his peace of mind.

Mr L also told me that my life choices are most unusual and my life path would be most unusual and that I'd get all the world's happiness but a little later by 42 or something.

He said I would battle one major illness in my life but I'll do it beautifully and be very happy always from the age of 40.

And he said, "You are blessed with bliss in your old age (something other astrologers also told me). Normally, people suffer when they are old but you will be very happy. You should be grateful to God for blessing you with happiness in your old age. It is rare."

He said things are coming a little late to me because I'm unusual and out of the norm. But that I would taste major success.

Anyhow, I do have a gut feeling that life will turn out fantastically.

But right now I just don't want to dress up and I just don't want to go out.

Keeping Mr L aside, because all astrological predictions at the end of the day should be taken with a pinch of salt, all I really want to do is sit and talk to A. May be over a walk, may be over a drink. I'll hold my tongue, I won't tell him that I truly deeply love him and adore him.

I want to know, really know, how he is, whether he's happy and what's on his mind.

I won't lean into him and smell him and I won't hold his hands and kiss them. I just want to talk to him and see him. But whatever the circumstances of his life, he doesn't want that.

I need to see him to know he's fine. I so deeply care about him that I need to know that he's happy. I don't know why but lately I've been very worried about him and it's kind of driving me a little bit mad. I haven't prayed for three days. And something is telling me he's not very happy.

All I want to do as his well-wisher and friend is assure him that it'll all be alright. I want to give him hausla. 

Have I ever loved anyone this much? I don't think so and having reached thus far in this Journal post I think Mr L was right, Arun is the love of my life. Such is the power of creativity, it reveals hidden Truths,  even if only in the form of a blog post.

I really want to meet Arun. Whenever that happens is going to be a happy happy day for me because the wait has been one of anguish. I wish I could sit and pray. And I'm going to attempt it now. Why am I so worried about him? I hope he's alright.

I love A.

Love,

Me.

8.11 pm

Journal 8.11.2024 2.01 pm A great force

Dear Journal,

The past two weeks have been a lesson in themselves. I can't say I feel lethargic, but I feel stuck.

I feel that any small effort I need to make is monumental and against my calling and that there is a great force holding me back and sweeping me in another direction.

Nothing seems to be easy. It's caused me to feel faint, dizzy and whoosy. 

I feel rooted in a direction I'm unable to see. I feel like there are steps I must take but that those doors to opportunities in my destiny are yet to open.

I've been feeling for many years that I have far too many guy friends. I try to keep in touch with my women friends but they don't really want to talk to me. Hence, I'm always surrounded by men.

Apart from Hamida cat lady, Ma, Eshna and Qud there are barely any women I talk to regularly. Yes, the little girl children, yes.

Years ago, Acb had told me that women are jealous of me. I believed it but today I don't. I wish I had more women to talk to.

When I was with A I didn't really pay heed to De Jh and Sa Li because I was so caught up in my love for A.

And now I meet De Jh, Sa So, Sa Li, Vi Ti and many other guy friends. They validate me and tell me I'm simply wonderful. Well but am I more wonderful than others? Each person has their specialty, right?

Yesterday De Jh came over. I've really ignored him in the past many years but he doesn't seem to mind. He's so religious and pious. And as it is with such people you are always on your toes lest you offend them.

He and Sa So have been going on and on about what an amazingly beautiful being I am. It's so outright outrageous.

Nidhi said to overcome this feeling of stuckness I must exercise more. DR Shinde said it's an acute acid reflux problem making me feel this way. And right from Pa to Buro to everybody else I'm being told by everybody that I look absolutely fine.

But I don't feel fine.

In other words am I stuck in my feelings for A? Is that the force holding me back? I love him so absolutely and unconditionally. He's so cute.

Or may be it's Esme Wang's book that's done this to me.

I really hope I feel better.

The day has been started in stuckness and I hope I end it in grand momentum.

I feel:

Cold

Dry

Full of love

Dizzy

Whoosy 

Happy

Hopeful

Eager

Lovely and full of love

Patient

Likeable

Forgiving

Sweet

Blessed

I am grateful for all the special people in my life like Ma, Pa, Buro and everybody else. I'm grateful for this beautiful wonderful life and I'm truly grateful for each experience.

The day following from now will be filled with action and it's going to be a happy day.

Love,

Me.

2.25 pm

Love unto death

The serpent has arisen,

It has coiled its grip tight

To not let me move

Or manoeveur 

Into the deathly golden light;

I am loathe to take a risk now

Lest I choke and fall

And there is no rebound

If I don't move at all.

It's holding of me is so absolute,

So worthy of the snake's love I am

That even when I'm caught such

It's music roots me in shifting sands;

Love is such a thing,

Whether betrayed or beheld

Its sting is like a serpent's

Wondrous and unto death. 

Things I can do at this point to earn money: For Nidhi

1. Direct and produce my play Theory of Madness that I wrote in 2019. I'm in talks with two groups (One Delhi based and the other Girish Karnad's theatre group) to take the play on stage. Both groups are highly interested in the play, have asked for changes to the script and asked me to make a budget sheet.

2. Finish my novel.

3. Sell art on Saatchi. It's been many months since Ive painted. If I really put my mind to it I really paint well. Someone also approached me for liasoning to sell my work. (So to call this gentleman)

4. Continue to write for the newspaper I'm writing for.

5. Get a content writing, copywriting job.

6. Teach English after getting my tefl certificate. It's a two month long programme.

7. Write for a production house that proactively has been approaching me to freelance with them. The problem with them is that communication with them is staggered.

8. Get a journalism job.

9. Be more proactive and give more auditions for acting. (8 and 9 share the same spot on the priority list.)

This is fairly in the order of priority. For all the work in which I'm self-employed I have to get out of my comfort zone, pick up the phone and make calls. I find it a little difficult to do that and I feel inhibited.

Journal 5.11.2024 8.55 am Seeing Paulo Coelho

Dear Journal,

I saw that I was dating Paulo Coelho in a dream and that he was dating someone feisty behind my back and that I was very upset. He tried to talk to me about it and pacify me but I was very upset.

Did A date someone behind my back when we were together? It's something I'll never know.

This De Jh chats a lot. I need to utilise my time more effectively. I woke up rather late today.

I really want to give up smoking.

Love,

Me.

9 am

Journal 5.10.2024 12.27 am All the happy moments

Dear Journal,

I keep focusing on the negatives so here are very few of all the happy moments of my life.

1. I remember the night Buro was born clearly. I fell in love with him. I remember the first time I carried him. I remember playing a lot with him when we were small, in Delhi and in Bombay. I remember playing table tennis with him on our folding table, playing chess, carrom, tennis, cricket. I purposely always let him win. I remember him talking about his friends and his girlfriends. I always looked up to him because people always found him charming. He is still very charming. 

2. I remember Ma teaching both Buro and I to read. She guided him with his lessons. I love Buro.

3. I remember the various singing classes we went to. Buro was always lauded as a talented singer. I remember both of us winning various singing competitions.

4. I remember Ma waking us up at 5 and taking both of us for swimming. We swam and Pa played tennis.

5. I remember celebrating birthdays. I always bought gifts for Ma, Pa and Buro on their birthdays with the saved pocket money I got. I remember always decorating the house on Ma and Pa's birthdays.

6. I remember having heart to heart conversations with Dimma. She taught me so much.

7. I remember all the eat outs with Chumki mashi and Bubul mesho in Delhi and celebrating Diwali with all my family in Delhi.

8. I remember Ma pushing me to study Art as a main subject for my tenth boards. That gave me my lifelong love for painting and sketching.

9. I remember writing my first poem at the age of 8 and my parents and teachers were so in awe. I never stopped writing poetry after that. In fact my teachers when they saw a poem or two scribbled here and there made me read it out to the whole foyer.

10. I remember participating in Dramatics from a young age. I remember the inequality in co-curricular activities where all the star kids got preference. Both Buro and I surmounted that and we both were popular. Buro was more popular.

11. I remember training for athletics.

12. I remember the encouragement I received from Ma. She had no doubt about my capabilities when I was small even though she favoured Buro.

13. I remember studying Physics with Bubul mesho and Chumki mashi when they taught me Archimedes Law. That is why I'll never forget it.

14. I remember doting on Eshna when she was small.

15. I remember being a voracious reader when I was small.

16. I remember when me and Shobhan were the only two people to be selected in toi after a deluge of candidates applied for the job. I remember all my successes in the newsroom and making several journalist friends.

17. I remember all the good times I've shared with my friends in school and college. I remember frequenting Samovar with Van.

18. I remember Dadu lecturing me in civic policies before my 10th board exams.

19. I remember the day I got my 10th results and then my Bachelors marks. Despite not studying I aced the exams.

20. I remember thinking that Dimma is the most beautiful woman in the whole world and buro the most handsome man.

I remember being initiated into yoga by Dada.

21. I remember all the family get-togethers and parties.

22. I remember the day I got my ears pierced and the day I tried on Mascara.

23. I remember winning the Best Actress Award in the ninth grade.

24. I remember always being the top choice in Dramatics for all competitions.

25 I remember my teachers like Mrs Buch, Punita Mam, Haridas sir and Dr Arunan who became great friends.

26 I remember surviving on a shoestring pocket money while balancing a professional play and college. I still had fun.

27. I remember winning the employee of the year award at DNA.

28. I remember being promoted to dne at Indian Express.

29. I remember the very few times I've fallen in love. It's an exalted feeling for sure.

30. I remember all the times I have travelled with my family and friends. It's time I found the wanderlust again.

Love,

Me.

Journal 4.11.2024 9.52 pm My traumas and how I am overcoming them

Dear Journal,

Jung says: "Unless you make the unconscious conscious it will continue and you will call it fate."

My traumas and how I am overcoming them:

1. Well, firstly I was sexually abused by a young man when I was a small child of about four. Buro was small. This incident scarred me. I made a lot of male friends growing up but I was always suspicious of men when it came to romance and got onto the dating bandwagon much later. It was in about 2001 when I realised I was blooming awkwardly that I decided to forgive this man completely and I poured my heart and soul into praying for his forgiveness. I used to imagine that this man is in front of me and I used to visualise myself telling him that I've forgiven him. Till then this childhood experience weighed heavily on me. It was in 2012 that I had an aha moment. It took me 11 years of visualizations and prayers. I realised that I had actually forgiven him. This experience doesn't bother me anymore so absolute was my forgiveness.

2. Ma used to beat me and Buro up with cricket bats and tennis racquets and belts and what not. She scarred both of us for life. She used to sit in a corner and weep all day long. She was clinically depressed and is still very harsh. She doesn't have a very pleasant personality. In fact, I don't think Ma and Pa have as happy a marriage as they put on. They are not friends. They've never gone out on dates together and they don't share many common interests. The only common thing they discuss is politics and family. And both of them are very solitary. In fact, Ma starts shrieking at any given point. I must not grow old to be like her and I must forgive her. She has been depressed herself and has a negative frame of mind.

3. Ma didn't let me invite any of my friends to Buro's wedding. That was a clear rejection of me by her. She made it quite clear that she doesn't want any of my friends there.

4. Ma keeps threatening to have my door broken down if I lock it. Last year when she slapped me she told me that I would die a pauper. This was like her telling me and Buro when we were small that she wants us to die.

5. Buro beating me up when he was a teenager. I don't know why he did that. I can see the scars on his face and I wish Ma had a more pleasant personality and was more genial.

6. Everyday I see my family rejecting me. They don't want to talk to me, they don't seem to have any faith in me and we are best when we leave each other alone. But I have to keep my door open and I must forgive my mother. But her mood swings are unpredictable and she may lose her temper at any moment.

7. I was brought up with Ma calling me ugly and verbally and physically abusing me.

I wish to be a whole woman, a charming,  suave woman. And I hope to be able to make money. I wish I couldn't see the scars in Buro's body language and I worry about him. I wish Ma and Pa had a happier marriage and that Ma was not so harsh and negative-minded.

Wishing things were different is one thing but actually forgiving and becoming happier are quite another.

I do pray to forgive each day. But from today I will pour my heart and soul into forgiving others and myself.

I wish I had not developed this condition. It's not like I don't feel whole and I definitely don't feel fragmented. But I feel the pain of rejection now and then and it hurts and it makes me grievous. 

How should I become my happiest self? I'm seeking the way and I will find it.

Love is the force that leads to growth.

Love is the transformative power that mutates evil to good and something sanctimonious.

And I will some day become liberated from the pain and I will surmount my suffering to become my happiest self.

Love,

Me.

10 24 pm

Journal 4.11.2024 12.33 pm Feeling miserable

Dear Journal,

I feel miserable. No one seems to be happy with me. Ma shouts. Pa snaps. And besides I feel terrible. And I really miss A. I still love him so deeply.

We went to Pipi's house yesterday. Ma was in a foul mood all morning and all day.

I am not going to continue to read Wang's book. It's making me depressed. But I've got the essentials from her book so far. No point continuing.

I'm on my way to the passport office to renew my passport.

Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes smoothly.

Today De Jh was supposed to come home. But he has some plumbing emergency.

Na Bho and I are going to Prithvi tomorrow. Should be good.

So much for love and life. Hope I can feel happier.

Love,

Me 

1.59 pm

Journal 3.11.2024 4.59 am

Dear Journal,

I woke up over an hour ago. It's Bhai Phota today. May we have an excellent Bhai Phota.

The ignominy and infamy that I endure caused me to have very mild suicidal thoughts when I woke up. And then I told myself that it will get better. It always does.

No matter what I'm going through today better days are here to stay.

I really hope I can go to the film museum with Vi Ti on Tuesday.

I hope to make the best of today.

With A gone I feel so alone.

But this will also not last forever. Better days are here to stay.

I am feeling:

Lonely

Happy

Hopeful

Love,

Me.

5.04 am

Journal 2.11.2024 6 38 pm Birthday today

Dear Journal,

It's Eshna's birthday today and it's also Shanky's. I love both of them absolutely.

I called up Sheshu in the morning. It was a brief call. I called up Shanky when Biswada was here.

I took Biswada to Silk Road. I still love A. I'll never stop loving him. With the little money I have I treated Biswada at Silk Road.

Shanky sent me money to buy booze so that I can get drunk on his birthday. Biswada took me to Princess Wines and I bought half a litre of port wine.  I asked Ma if she'd like a drink and she declined.

I love Shanky. I really really do.

And I love A. I really really do.

Biswada told me while he was here that people have not been saying good things about me.

And I remembered: Those who are vilified the most are most honoured. 

I love A. But he left me over what other people told him about me. I miss A.

I'm drunk on half a litre of wine sponsored by Shashank. I love Shashank. He still introduces me as the girlfriend if he were straight.

Biswada told me that people have been bitching about me and I in my drunken state remembered how Jesus was carried to the cross. How the Buddha was vilified. And I tell myself that love will win.

In my drunken state I can say I love Shanky, who always introduces me as the girlfriend if he were straight and A. I absolutely love A. I could fall at his feet.

I am drunk on half a litre of wine. I am no longer in my senses to study any French. But I know of love. Love is the way.

I am going to be remembered very well no matter what people say of me today.

I love A. I love Shanky. I love Sheshu.

I am feeling:

Drunk

Emotional 

Full of love

Lovely

Love my best friend Shanky

Love A

Love my family

Will chant

I am grateful for all of life with all its experiences and all the people who feature In it.

I love Shanky. I love Eshna. I love A.

Love,

Me 

6.53 pm

Journal 2.11.2024 11.45 am Dream of a grand hotel

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I am waiting in a grand hotel lobby with lots of people about me.

It is Sheshu's birthday today.

Esme Wang's book leaves me vulnerable.

I am feeling:

Vulnerable

Broken

Happy

Excited to meet Bda

Full of love

I am grateful for this beautiful life with all its wonderful experiences and all the people who adorn it.

Love,

Me 

11.48 am

Journal 1.11.2024 6.24 pm Fortitude

Dear Journal,

Esme Wang's book is a real eye-opener. It talks about the stigma that is a mental health diagnosis and her journey. It's really very well-written.

Acceptance is the key. Wang's book allows me to accept my own diagnosis. It's not Schizophrenia that everybody has told me but what it is nobody has. Dr E S had told me that if I quit smoking all the symptoms will go away. Nidhi said the same thing about two months back. I have never heard voices or anything but I have had capgram and been deluded.

That's kind of presumptive and I must accept that there is a problem.

I feel the lack of faith people have in me in general. Ma is always angry with me and dismissive of me. She has always been this way. But this is a common dynamic in a mother-daughter relationship.

A left me because of this. 

This aspect of my life has shown me who my true friends are.

Both Ma and A have a habit of bitching. I'm sure Ma has poured her heart's plaints to all her friends and so has A to his.

I have many good qualities. My experiences have taught me to accept people wholly with their flaws. It's made me kind and compassionate and forgiving.

It's made me optimistically strong.

I love my brother and my parents who have stood by me through thick and thin.

Friends like Sa Li and Bda have emerged, never to leave my side. Both of them called me today to wish me.

Bda said he will come home in about two hours.

We choose our experiences through the karma we create. We create our own destiny. I am responsible for me and whatever happens to me.

I am strength. I am courage. I am happiness. I am joy. I am love. I am a ball of hope and nurturing. I win in each moment.

I am feeling:

Slightly desolate 

Happy

Hopeful 

Strong

Caring

Nurturing

Mystical

Pondering

Accomplished 

Full of love

Optimistic 

I am grateful for E Wang's book.

I am grateful for all the love in my life.

I am grateful that I pray. It's made me a far stronger human being.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences. Each experience is beautiful.

I am grateful for all the people who feature in my life.

I am grateful that I love.

I am grateful for all my successes and all my victories. 

Love,

Me.

Journal 1.11.2024 4.02 pm Le bonheur c'est un choix

 Cher Journal,

J'aime A. Je vais lui aimer toujours. Ce n'est pas possible de lui oublier.

Le livre de Esme Wang m'apprend a toujours prendre mes medicaments. J'en ai appris que ma condition peut aggraver si j'evites mes médicaments.

Je souvent reflechis a l'avenir. J'imagine que je prends soin de mes parents et de lui quoi qu'il arrive. J'imagine que je vais etre super riche. J'imagine que j'ai réussi.

Hier Vi Ti du groupe artistes etait triste. Aujourd'hui nous avons décidés a visiter la musée des films en Mardi.

Le bonheur c'est un choix. Vraiement il ya de la douleur dans la vie mais en chaque moment on peut choisir le bonheur et un état mentale qu'est heureux.

(Sa Li m'a appelle et j'ai lui parle a longtemps approx 40 minutes.)

C'est importante d'etre realiste.

A l'amour.

Bisous,

Moi 

4.48 pm